To think DH expects too much?

[mistreyus]

Hi all,

My DH and I have been married for 2 years and we have 3 DS who are from my previous marriage. Aged 16, 10 and 7. My DH is studying abroad and lives away most of the time and I work in a high pressure job that involves travelling. I have to get 3 children to 3 different schools by 7:15 every morning and often don't get home until 1900 at night when my priority is getting kids fed, washed and to bed. I am constantly exhausted. I also have a part time job at weekends to keep us afloat money wise.

I'll start by saying my DH is absolutely committed to our children. I don't doubt that for a minute, he spends any spare time with them encouraging them etc.

DH has often commented on my children's behaviour. He seems to think that they are very poorly behaved. I just think they are normal kids with the exception of DS 3 who can be a handful.

I told him he should look up normal kids behaviour and then we could talk about it. This morning, the two youngest kids were dressed but neither had brushed their teeth or washed; nor had they made their beds. DH decided to inform me that he has been looking into kids like I told him to and he has read (apparently on numerous pages) that our kids are developmentally behind. Which straight away got my back up. Our kids are pretty much just normal kids as far as I can see.

Apparently DS2 who's 10, should by now, get up himself (which he does) get dressed himself (which he does), go and wash his teeth without being told (never happens) and make his bed. Plus put all his clothes away without being asked (which he does after being told). And DS 3 who's 7 should only need telling to do all that and then should do it.

I got annoyed right away. He's saying the kids are developmentally behind because they need telling and nagging to do chores?! They are all bright and intelligent, and maybe if I didn't have such a short window of time to spend with them each day I'd care more about nagging until they did all these things without asking; but frankly, I'm more interested in actually getting them to school; and getting to work. To me, it's more important to know that they are able to do it than that they go and do it without me asking.

I feel like he's attacking me and my parenting when I think that most people would struggle to do less than I do. It's alright for him to judge when he's 1600 miles away and I'm doing it all on my own. My house is spotless; I earn; my kids are polite and well mannered.
AIBU? Should I be worried?

My kids are similar ages and they are all capable of doing what your DH says, without being asked. The just don't. And fwiw they sound exactly the same as yours. YANBU

They are your kids, and it is up to you if you have chosen not to instill obedience, but I can imagine it must be exhausting and wearing for your DH to face at home if they don't follow simple instructions.

Really? More exhausting than running a house single handedly and having 2 job? Poor DH. Should she bring him his slippers and ensure the children are all spotless before the go to bed and leave him to enjoy his 1950s lifestyle in peace???? Ffs!

My DH is studying abroad and lives away most of the time and I work in a high pressure job that involves travelling.

If you have a high pressure job and travel a lot (which should pay well) and 3 children, why do you have to work on weekends? Is it to support your DH? Does he work?
I wouldn't really take any opinions from an adult who studies and lives such a cosy life. He doesn't know the first thing about parenting obviously. Playing with children for a few hours a week is like being their uncle, not their stepfather.
It would be great if you could make your children more independent (especially DS1 and DS2), for your own sake, but with how little time you can actually spend with your children, you're most certainly doing a very good job.

So, how have these discussions come about? If you read the step parenting boards, they are littered with posts by women who complain about the lack of activity in their step children, and the lack of willingness on the part of the parent to address this issue.

if for instance the OP has been complaining about how hard it is to get three kids up and dressed and out of the dor in the mornings, it would not be unreasonable of the DH to state that actually, children should be told to do certain things and expected to comply accordingly at their various ages, and that although they might not comply, expecting them to be able to is not an unreasonable expectation.

Often one of the reasons why children get away with doing so little is because we as parents often don't push the issues - often for a quiet life. And yes, I speak as a parent who has been guilty of exactly that so this is not a personal criticism of anyone.

Reality is that it's hard moving into a household where there are already children present. Even harder if you've not spent much time being a step parent before moving in, and if there are then issues relating to those children it can be difficult to strike the right balance between offering opinions which are intended to be constructive and coming across as criticising someone else's parenting.

The reality is that it sounds as if the OP jumped into a relationship far too quickly, with marriage, cohabitation and step parenting all being part of the plan within a matter of months, and now she's just reaching a point where they're all starting to get to know each other after a couple of years and the teething problems are starting to show. This would ordinarily not be an issue, but because they left it no time at all before jumping into marriage and living together there's no leeway to address the issues before moving the relationship to the next level iyswim.

It's entirely possible that the DH is not wrong in his opinions, but that the OP is not yet in a place to be having these conversations because the relationship has moved more quickly than the co parenting relationship iyswim.

my kids are through the floor developmentally then. ffs. tell him to get a life. you have a packed full on busy life, coping admirably imo. So your kids don't do what you say, or need reminding, big whoopy do. Ooh he would get right on my nerves. It's a family not an army camp.

oh and btw stop working at weekends to keep your family afloat. Tell him to go and earn some money at the weekend living a student lifestyle which i assume you're funding.

How many parents really have perfect little robots for kids? It's very very normal for children to forget to do things, and to need repeated tellings, or even to refuse altogether.

Think about where you've set his parenting bar. So many people have very different settings for men and women. If you were the stepmother in this scenario and did exactly what he does, would you honestly be doing enough? It doesn't sound as if he likes your children very much. Do they ever give you their opinions on him?

Wow to you and all you cope with!
I work 3 days have a toddler and am completely exhausted most days and just knackered the others! My house is bearable but wants a clean.

It sounds like you're doing a great job and so are the kids I would say. If you're happy to pester when needed then since you're the one doing it most of the time I can't see an issue. Lots of grown adults need pestering to do those kinds of things.

He sounds as if he wants you to have an easier time with DC but doesn't understand that can do something does not equal will do something in the overwhelming majority of DC. This especially applies first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening.

Be clear that they are not developmentally delayed and if he wants to support you then gentle nagging is normal in parenting.

I can imagine it must be exhausting and wearing for your DH to face at home if they don't follow simple instructions WTAF?!!!

Fuck me I am worn and exhausted thinking of all the stuff OP has to do on to of enabling her DH to live on another planet.

" ... on top of enabling" that should read.

All I have they all sound normal to me OP!

Don't think the pic worked?

You could tell him that someone on mumsnet - me - is 62, still doesn't make the bed, hates being told what to do, and struggles to put anything away, but has had two children, two grandchildren, two good careers and is pretty much ok to be let out in public. If it helps!

Well I spoke to his parents and his mum remembered that he still needed shouting at to get out of bed in the mornings!!

When I mentioned that to him he said "oh I know but I still made my bed etc once up!"

We have agreed to make checklists for the kids to follow in the morning to remind them of jobs that they need to do!

Making the bed just after you have got up is bad for the bed anyway. We leave our bed covers pulled back for hours, and open the windows to air the beds and bedrooms.

Explanation here

People are very quick to attack aren't they.
I don't think you were unreasonable to be a bit annoyed and your boys sound perfectly normal - but you did tell him to look it up! He's showing an interest in something he doesn't understand is all, and encouraging a bit more independence in the children can only make your life easier OP. Sounds like the checklist is a good place to start.

I had it too easy growing up at home and almost wish I had been expected to do more at 16 such as doing dinner once a week or something (not the 4 mile hike from the bus though), I'd have been more prepared when I left home!

We have agreed to make checklists for the kids to follow in the morning to remind them of jobs that they need to do!

WTAF? Why? Who in their right mind has this? So basically he's said your kids are badly behaved and you've said yes they are. A list. I can't believe you did that OP. The youngest is still young enough for a star chart or something if its a real issue, but basically you've shown him that he was right all along.

He is trying to be helpful. He honestly had no clue when it comes to kids and so is going on what he's read. J think a previous poster said he's misunderstanding the words could and should. They can do all of it. They just don't unless screamed at reminded constantly a few times.

we thought we'd try a list so that I'm not constantly repeating myself to them. Hopefully they will eventually remember without asking. Who knows. I doubt he will bring it up again....

Does the 16 year old look after the younger 2 in the holidays?

Youthecat not that often as they go to holiday club, although he often picks them up from school during school time and brings them home on the bus for me and does them dinner.

In holidays DH is home for a few weeks too so he helps.

They sound normal and your DH sounds a bit clueless about children but I suppose that's not surprising considering he doesn't have any of his own, hasn't been a step father for long and is away most of the time.

He and his parents probably don't remember exactly what he was like but even if they do, it could be that he was the unusual one rather than your children.

If your children are doing well at school, I suppose that the only thing you can do is try not to take it personally and if possible, ignore!

Yanbu. Your dh sounds clueless and I would tell him so. We could all critique other people's lives and make suggestions for improvement, but none of us do everything perfectly ourselves. Maybe you could look at your routine and your dc's behaviour and make improvements, maybe things work best for you as they are, but considering your dh's lack of real parenting experience and low level of contribution I wouldn't be accepting any advice from him.