To think DH expects too much?

[mistreyus]

Hi all,

My DH and I have been married for 2 years and we have 3 DS who are from my previous marriage. Aged 16, 10 and 7. My DH is studying abroad and lives away most of the time and I work in a high pressure job that involves travelling. I have to get 3 children to 3 different schools by 7:15 every morning and often don't get home until 1900 at night when my priority is getting kids fed, washed and to bed. I am constantly exhausted. I also have a part time job at weekends to keep us afloat money wise.

I'll start by saying my DH is absolutely committed to our children. I don't doubt that for a minute, he spends any spare time with them encouraging them etc.

DH has often commented on my children's behaviour. He seems to think that they are very poorly behaved. I just think they are normal kids with the exception of DS 3 who can be a handful.

I told him he should look up normal kids behaviour and then we could talk about it. This morning, the two youngest kids were dressed but neither had brushed their teeth or washed; nor had they made their beds. DH decided to inform me that he has been looking into kids like I told him to and he has read (apparently on numerous pages) that our kids are developmentally behind. Which straight away got my back up. Our kids are pretty much just normal kids as far as I can see.

Apparently DS2 who's 10, should by now, get up himself (which he does) get dressed himself (which he does), go and wash his teeth without being told (never happens) and make his bed. Plus put all his clothes away without being asked (which he does after being told). And DS 3 who's 7 should only need telling to do all that and then should do it.

I got annoyed right away. He's saying the kids are developmentally behind because they need telling and nagging to do chores?! They are all bright and intelligent, and maybe if I didn't have such a short window of time to spend with them each day I'd care more about nagging until they did all these things without asking; but frankly, I'm more interested in actually getting them to school; and getting to work. To me, it's more important to know that they are able to do it than that they go and do it without me asking.

I feel like he's attacking me and my parenting when I think that most people would struggle to do less than I do. It's alright for him to judge when he's 1600 miles away and I'm doing it all on my own. My house is spotless; I earn; my kids are polite and well mannered.
AIBU? Should I be worried?

DS (5) needs nagging to get into his school uniform, brush his teeth and grab his book bag without fail yet school holidays/weekends without fail will be up and dressed and ready to go by 6.30am

I have always assumed that is normal.

Yes StaplesCorner - you've got it exactly right! Bloody hell - my adorable / infuritating / perfectly normal kids aged 18, 18 , 19 and 24 need constant coaxing with an electric cattle prod to tidy rooms, make beds, load / unload washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, hang out washing, etc etc etc... But they do it - pretty much like every other kid that I know.

If anyone out there has got Stepford / Disney kids that willingly and perkily offer to cook and wash up dinner then I've never met you or anyone like you! And I know a lot of people! Good grief OP, your kids sound amazingly normal. Yes I think the problem is you DP does not have children and has not been through the whole bonkers life changing experience of child rearing.
Until you've been there - you just don't know.

I can't help comparing this thread to the school fees thread.

These are NOT DHs children, he has had little or no input into their lives, he didn't even know they existed for most of them..

The OP has three children, and wanted to also have a relationship, fine, but the children are her responsibility, and the relationship is her choice.

she can't decide to make the children the responsibility of the person she is having the relationship with.

Thanks all. I should probably explain that he does try to help when he is home; he just finds it inexplicable that they don't just do as they are asked. He looked things up in order that he could try to understand as I said he has unrealistic expectations and when he had researched it then we could discuss it.

The kids adore him, he always makes time for them and puts them to bed each night etc when he is home; but I think he gets totally overwhelmed by them sometimes. He's never lived with kids before and it must be a total shock to the system.

They aren't angels by a long shot but I honestly don't think that they are that different to others.

His parents are coming around tonight. I will see if I can collar them!

your kids are normal.

The DH does not really want your kids in his life maybe?

about him researching it, and then sticking with the research...what kind of man has never met any children in his life, ever at all, as a benchmark?

Is he very rigid? Is he an aspie (sorry if this is way off the mark, but he sounds like life needs research/explanations that most NT people would not need)

My siblings and I are competent adults. I only sometimes made my bed when asked, mum had to put her foot down to get me to put my clothes away ,etc etc about everything, till we moved out in pretty sure. I would call that pretty normal?!

This is OP's DH: he'a not a recent fling! Not U to expect him to make a contribution to family life.

"Helping" when he's in the country isn't much at all, but OP seems OK with that. Unless he wants to become properly involved in family life he needs to cease criticising.

They sound like normal kids to me. It truly sounds to me as if you're doing an amazing job.

If DH hasn't had DC before then to get them "ready made" can feel overwhelming, but you haven't written anything here that makes me think they are anything other than lovely, normal children.

she can't decide to make the children the responsibility of the person she is having the relationship with

Well user, she doesn't - he just sticks his oar in and moans. If he stopped doing that everyone would be happy.

It's none of his business. He doesn't live there and does nothing to contribute to the house emotionally, practically, financially.

If he doesn't feel it's normal and thinks you're so crap, he should put his profile back on the Internet.

Mine are 20...18 and 14 and i dont think they've ever made a bed in their lives....I rarely make mine either....my youngest is a nightmare for not brushing her teeth....shes 14 now so i dont nag anymore....if she wants crappy teeth thats her lookout...

User, with that logic, he shouldn't be researching or making comments about their development then.

You have 16 years experience of bringing up kids, currently working in a high pressure job, dealing with three schools, and working extra weekends to make ends meet.

Your husband is studying abroad. And has read the internet.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to suggest you're a bit ahead on the practical knowledge front. I'm guessing you may even have more experience of seeing other people's children and discussing with other parents in real life.

And the issue is kids not doing chores without being asked.

To be more sympathetic to him, is he perhaps observing other children, in a different culture where there is more of an old fashioned obedience to the parents? I can understand some of his frustration - if he feels responsibility to these children then he wants to see the best from them, but that has to be realistic and it's difficult for him to help if he isn't there. I have previously tried having a quiet word with kids to be genuinely useful to mum when I've been going on a work trip. I even believe they listened a bit, but it's pretty limited.

How close are you to his mother? I'd be tempted to ask her if her DS was doing all the things that he has listed at the age he seems to think is appropriate. I have a 5 year old son and 8, 12 and 16 year old nephews... your boys sound completely normal!

My 12, 9 and 6 year old make their own bed [shrug] it's not rocket science, it's straightening a quilt and a few pillows. I have to remind them to do some things - the first and third one are pretty good with their teeth, the middle not so much. But they get reminded to do them and then they get told to get up the stairs and to get it done.
It's just different ways of raising your kids - I can't stand nagging, the eternal whining to do what they could have done 5 minutes ago in half the time. But there's loads of things that my kids do or don't do that would have other parents having conniptions.

Wow. Your DH is never around, gives you no practical help, expects you to pick up everything so he can go off and study abroad, and then crtiticises how you do things when he does come home? Sounds lovely

Completely agree with this. How dare he comment on your parenting when 1. They aren't his kids and 2. He is never around!

Sorry OP but your DH sounds like a twat.

So, you have a full-time job, a part-time weekend job, 3 (very normal/lovely) boys, and by the sound of it a part-time Man-child, who seems to have issues with your (very normal) parenting too...
Just out of interest, is your OH a lot younger than you?
Not sure I could/would put up with it.
Sounds like you are doing a stellar job OP.

My XH used to do this. It was his first time living with children too, and he thought they should obey his every word, never answer back, get themselves organised, do the housework etc etc.

So I asked him if he did all this when he was young. No, he didn't, he answered back, hid when there was work to be done, didn't even dress himself in the morning (his sister used to dress him until he was ridiculously old).

I asked about the double standard and he just shrugged, and said 'they should do as they are told'.
He's an ex. Be warned, OP.

Just say yes if they're developmentally behind then they still need support which I am providing so I am parenting to match their ability. And it's quite tough on my own most of the time with so much to do and these expectations are doing nothing but making ME feel inadequate so please give me a break because actually we're all muddling along ok and we all forget stuff sometimes.

Well, I have a 7 year old and our mornings are mostly me saying "DS, put your shoes on" "DS, what are you doing?" "DS - SHOES!"

This is my morning too. DS1 is lovely, but cannot, for the life of him, focus on getting out the door. He dresses himself (1/3 garments will be backwards because he got distracted doing it), he'll pick up his bag, then realise he has to do a wee and leave it somewhere on the way, he'll have one shoe on, then decide he has to tell me something, get confused about what he was doing, take that one off and put them both back on the rack - he's a bit more ditzy than usual, but still within the realms of normal considering the other kids I know.

Oh and My ds 12 is hopeless at tidying, it's just under his radar completely. Still needs reminding to do teeth too. If dh starting saying shoulds as if it was my fault I would be seriously annoyed.

At the moment it is like your DH is on a mission to mould the children into mini people he likes but he may see it genuinely as saving you time and effort. Obviously a lot of parenting does involve repetition and requires a lot of patience. He probably thinks it's entirely rational to have a child learn quickly by example and then act spontaneously without prompting.

A child is not simply a blank slate on which we impose our ideas. They will hit milestones eventually so it's no good holding inflexible, rigid ideals.
DH is used to the world of adults, he didn't raise these children from birth so he won't realise how they click. He's not around long enough to fit into the rhythm of the household. I would be irritated and feel defensive too.

If it gets to the point his notions cause you more stress than actual parenting, you need to talk. Will you come back and tell us if you broach this with the in-laws?

I'll start by saying my DH is absolutely committed to our children

Urm no he isn't

My DH is studying abroad and lives away most of the time

This sounds like the arguments my stepfather had with my mum.

To be fair, looking back, he was right most of the time.

At the time it seemed like he was being unreasonable. He also had no children from his previous marriage, then he gained a "stroppy" 17 year old and a 8 year old (probably on the spectrum, with hindsight).

My mum never really made us do any chores, and it used to get his back up something rotten. I know I was untidy, but it never occurred to me to get the hoover out now and again, or do the dishes from time to time.
I look back now and can see how frustrating that must have been. My mum took offence at him criticising her parenting....but now I can see he had a point. They both worked full time in fairly stressful jobs.

That didn't really occur to me till my children were old enough to be doing stuff for themselves and I realised It could go the same way for them
It is lucky my DH is not averse to cleaning and doing washing etc!