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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Great friend but awful on playdates aibu?

60 replies

ollieplimsoles · 25/07/2017 21:00

Need some advice,

A few months ago I got talking to another mum at a baby group I take my dd too. She takes her ds who is a couple months younger than dd. Both kids are under two.

Shes a great person, we have lots in comon and I'm happy to have her as a friend. However, we have had a couple of playdates together at my house and she just does NOTHING to control her kid...

For the third playdate in a row my house has been trashed and my dd's toys broken. She often brings him round hungry and tired which doesn't help, but she doesn't discipline him at all. She prefers to have a cup of tea and chat, but we just can't do that with two toddlers!

I just wish she would control him a bit more, he tantrums like crazy if something doesn't go his way and often hurts himself in the process. He gets under my feet while I'm making drinks and snacks for the kids and touches things in my kitchen- she just sits in the next room waiting, surely its not too much to ask that she just keeps him happy while I at least finish in the kitchen.

Im also sick of him throwing dd's toys at her and snatching and not being told off for it, i dont let my dd snatch toys, even her own! He also pushes her and hits her- today i had to drag him away from the bookcase he was hanging off while my friend sat inches away!

Aibu to ask her to keep him in check a bit more when hes here because I always have to run around after him. If so, what do I say?

OP posts:

early30smum · 25/07/2017 21:05

Maybe suggest meeting at her house?! Or at a park/soft play? YANBU at all.

Questioningeverything · 25/07/2017 21:07

I'd just stop meeting at mine, meet in a neutral place. That way your dcs toys don't get broken and if she asks why you're not meeting at yours be honest, my dds toys are getting broken and I don't think your ds is managing very well in our home so it's best to meet elsewhere

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 25/07/2017 21:08

I wouldn't have them over. I'd meet on neutral ground.

I have a relative who let's her younger children do things that they shouldn't and any time I say anything, she gives into them or tells me they will be ok. Um no they won't be ok when I can see an expensive toy being broken etc. I don't have them over. I'll wait until the children are older.

LovelyBath77 · 25/07/2017 21:08

I remember for a stage it was generally easier to go out! Why not make the most of the lovely weather and meet up for a picnic in the park instead?

LovelyBath77 · 25/07/2017 21:08

Soft play is always a good one at that age, too.

BroomHandledMouser · 25/07/2017 21:10

I'd second soft play, awesome places for that age. Plus nothing gets broken

SquitMcJit · 25/07/2017 21:11

It might be best to suggest meeting up somewhere neutral - like a park, if that's possible for you both. Then, if she continues to not watch his behaviour it is not on your territory and with your things - and you can move away to be with daughter ( while he rampages around).

Sadly, saying anything to her probably wouldn't work if she can't already see what is happening in front of her.

SquitMcJit · 25/07/2017 21:12

Sorry, cross post with a million other people! Great minds think alike and all

Original poster

ollieplimsoles · 25/07/2017 21:22

Great suggestions! We tried soft play at my suggestion and it was a disaster.. her ds stayed in the play area for about ten minutes before he bolted and she spent the rest of the visit chasing him around the building and putting him back the play area. He also didnt play very nicely and did a lot of shoving and hitting, other parents got huffy, which I can understand. She vowed never again. He seems a really bad tempered child, i know thats a strange thing to say about a baby, but i I don't know how else to put it!

I feel quite bad and don't really want to stop meeting her because she doesn't have any family help nearby and I think shes just worn out by looking after him.

The park might be an idea, but he just doesnt listen to her and she will not tell him 'no' thats the issue.

OP posts:

Patriciathestripper1 · 25/07/2017 21:26

I stopped inviting 'brats' back to my place for all the reasons you have just mentioned,
We either go to park and cafe for 'tea' now or indoors soft play. Worth every Penny not to have my house trashed!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 25/07/2017 21:28

I'd just start meeting up without kids tbh.

Iloveanimals · 25/07/2017 21:30

I had to stop seeing my friend. My son was just scared stupid by her kid. She never corrected him and it got to the point where my kid point blank refused to see him anymore. Toys broken, house trashed. He was seven!! Had to call it quits. One of those things.

quizqueen · 25/07/2017 21:44

You don't like the behaviour of either of them in your home but keep inviting them over for more of the same. Why?
This child will be a bad influence on yours. Do you want your child to imitate the other's behaviour? If your friend and her child are untrainable then it's time to find others to socialise with and tell her the reason before your child gets hurt..

WanderingTrolley1 · 25/07/2017 21:49

I wouldn't host. Arrange a trip to the park instead?

sleeponeday · 25/07/2017 21:52

How old is he? And are your two identically aged? I ask because in my experience a couple of months can make a monster of one and an angel of another, and then the tables turn... none of which explains her failure to manage her child's behaviour, though. Sympathies with that one.

Hudson10 · 25/07/2017 21:53

No brainer. Suggest a meetup in the local soft play instead!

SarahJonesS · 25/07/2017 21:58

Have you tried different soft plays? Some have a better lay out than others.

Playground/parks/farm.

I have a friend with a Dc who screams when happy/sad/angry and whom takes possession of all my dds toys. I always find an excuse to go somewhere other than mine (I also never go to hers so I don't have to reciprocate)

Namechangetempissue · 25/07/2017 21:58

Just tell her. It doesn't have to be nasty, and then you don't have to either sit and silently fume as the kid trashes your home and pretend you are ok with it or just never see her again. Sit her down and say that you don't want to upset her, but you are going to have to cancel playdates for the forseeable future as your child is getting hurt and frightened. You can empathise and say you understand it is hard work with a rambunctious toddler and that you don't dislike him but that you have to put your child first. She may open up to you, she may get offended but you have nothing to lose really!

puglife15 · 25/07/2017 22:03

It's really sad to see people calling a two year old a brat or a bad influence. He's two ffs!

Yes she might not be preventing him from doing things he shouldn't but it's not the kids fault. Tantrums at this age are normal. And she must be exhausted if he's non stop into things the whole time. He sounds like a challenging child and you are doing a kind thing supporting her. It sounds like the park could be a good option.

Gemini69 · 25/07/2017 22:03

Years ago now of course... but I stopped seeing a particular friend for this very reason...

Bodicea · 25/07/2017 22:05

Wow you guys are a being extremely judgmental of this poor boy, calling him a brat etc.
I am having a few behavioural issues with my ds at the moment. I'd like to think I would nt written off by my friends because of it.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 25/07/2017 22:05

The park might be better than soft play. Neither of my kids have been happy to be contained in the shitty under 3's area of the soft play looking at the huge, fun area for the older children once they were mobile.
Being outdoors also has a calming effect on more spirited feral children ime as well.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 25/07/2017 22:06

Behavioural issues that are dealt with I can have all the patience in.the world with. Behavioural issues that are ignored and impacting my kids and property I have less time for tbh.

Original poster

ollieplimsoles · 25/07/2017 22:21

quiz

Its funny you should say that, i did notice dd doing things today that are quite out of character for her but not for him.

My dd is 21 months and he is 19 months. Dd is certainly no angel and has her tantrums- shes a toddler!, i dont want to write her off as a friend as she does need the support, i get the feeling shes just so desparate to talk to adults that she just forgets about her ds on a playdate- shes with him 24/7.

There is a large outdoor playarea near me, we could go there. But i think she wouldnt fancy it because she would have to run around after her ds, in a house she can keep him enclosed and we can chat- thats her logic anyway! We cant chat! Her ds runs riot and i clean up afterwards!

Would it be unreasonable to say something like
"Sorry do you mind telling him not to touch xyz or keeping him away from xyz? Im worried about him breaking it and getting hurt?"

OP posts:

CorbynsBumFlannel · 25/07/2017 22:24

I'd just tell the child myself if the mother was doing nothing tbh.

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