Great friend but awful on playdates aibu?

[ollieplimsoles]

Need some advice,

A few months ago I got talking to another mum at a baby group I take my dd too. She takes her ds who is a couple months younger than dd. Both kids are under two.

Shes a great person, we have lots in comon and I'm happy to have her as a friend. However, we have had a couple of playdates together at my house and she just does NOTHING to control her kid...

For the third playdate in a row my house has been trashed and my dd's toys broken. She often brings him round hungry and tired which doesn't help, but she doesn't discipline him at all. She prefers to have a cup of tea and chat, but we just can't do that with two toddlers!

I just wish she would control him a bit more, he tantrums like crazy if something doesn't go his way and often hurts himself in the process. He gets under my feet while I'm making drinks and snacks for the kids and touches things in my kitchen- she just sits in the next room waiting, surely its not too much to ask that she just keeps him happy while I at least finish in the kitchen.

Im also sick of him throwing dd's toys at her and snatching and not being told off for it, i dont let my dd snatch toys, even her own! He also pushes her and hits her- today i had to drag him away from the bookcase he was hanging off while my friend sat inches away!

Aibu to ask her to keep him in check a bit more when hes here because I always have to run around after him. If so, what do I say?

My godson used to be exactly the same, he would run wild, screaming and having tantrums, then his brothers came along and I had left it too late, after she had been visiting for over a year I really couldn't change our meet up plans. In fairness, his mum used to visit me and was a long trip for her on public transport. My salvation came when I got my first car and that meant I could visit her more often than she visited me ( she only lived less than ten miles away)

I'd suggest, try meeting at the park for summer, find a 'really good' soft play area for the autumn and insist that it's so good she really must visit with you. Hopefully by next spring when both children are a bit older things will be a bit easier.

You can't solve this problem for her. She won't go to soft play because he hurts other kids, runs away and she has to deal with him. She won't want to go to a park because she'll have to watch him. She WANTS to go to your house BECAUSE she can push that stuff onto you and you won't (or haven't) get huffy the way parents at soft play did. You can try and be blunt with her but I suspect if she thinks she'll actually have to, you know, parent him she won't want to.
I would suggest going to her house. But as others have said this behaviour could easily be copied by your dd. Sometimes there is just a difference in expectations and people's ideas of what is acceptable parenting.

19 months? He sounds like his ability to be physical is way beyond his ability with language and understanding.

Meet somewhere with lots of open space and not so many kids until his brain catches up with his body....

I've got 2 girls and a boy, and I remember feeling exactly the same when my first daughter was a toddler and my sister used to bring her son round. Wrecked my house constantly. After a second daughter I then had a son and realised how incredibly differently they play at that age. DS used to power through the house emptying, tipping, drawing on things unless he'd had huge and I mean huge amounts of outdoor exercise. Toddler boys are very different to toddler girls. Massive generalisation, but in general the boys are physical at that stage in a way that girls don't tend to be. DS is now 5 and still needs a huge amount of exercise to cope with the discipline of school, and a lot of the other boys are the same. I would suggest park or playground with plenty of activities and sorry, but at that stage it's almost impossible to sit and chat. They're not old enough to entertain themselves. If she doesn't like it that's her problem. Why can't you meet at her place? Then it's her house that gets trashed.

I had a similar situation with my friend's DD. She was a nightmare. We nearly always has to go to her house as my friend didn't drive, and her DD was awful. Rude, sulky, spiteful. She wouldn't share any of her toys and would hit my DS and openly say she hated him (he's pretty chilled and well behaved - he was utterly baffled!). My friend did nothing to stop this - just the odd embarrassed giggle and mention of 'Little Pickle'! It drove me mad. We had another friend with a DS, and she used to come sometimes and it was still the same. Very uncomfortable. In the end I simply made excuse after excuse not to go, and instead just met up with my friend separately in the evening without our DC. She said another mum had refused to have any playdates with her DD as she felt the DD was not controlled enough, yet she did nothing to change her parenting and her DD is still a spoilt brat.

I know it is a pain in the neck but if you like her don't cut her off it is fine for you to say to the little boy no don't touch that see if she offers her house next time stop offering yours and see how it goes, she might be on her knees with him and needs the reassurance or support to tell him no. I would also suggest a night out just you and her go for dinner or something be friends away from the children .

I would just reprimand him myself eg 'we don't throw toys' 'We sit on the sofa, no bouncing', 'you go to mummy while I'm making the coffee, I don't want to trip and spill it on you' all in a cheerful but firm voice. Offer snacks and drinks on arrival. Don't put lots of toys out all at once.

Is your friend coping ok?

My daughter was like this. The people that stayed and hung around with me and didn't judge me are my wonderful friends.

My daughter was diagnosed as ASD in the end. I am very lucky as a lot of people are very judgemental and unsupportive.

Yes. It is a learning curve. I had a couple of friends whose children turned out to have asd. There for yhe grace of God. ..

Either suggest meeting at the park, or at hers or meet one evening without the boy (if she has someone to look after him).