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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Great friend but awful on playdates aibu?

60 replies

ollieplimsoles · 25/07/2017 21:00

Need some advice,

A few months ago I got talking to another mum at a baby group I take my dd too. She takes her ds who is a couple months younger than dd. Both kids are under two.

Shes a great person, we have lots in comon and I'm happy to have her as a friend. However, we have had a couple of playdates together at my house and she just does NOTHING to control her kid...

For the third playdate in a row my house has been trashed and my dd's toys broken. She often brings him round hungry and tired which doesn't help, but she doesn't discipline him at all. She prefers to have a cup of tea and chat, but we just can't do that with two toddlers!

I just wish she would control him a bit more, he tantrums like crazy if something doesn't go his way and often hurts himself in the process. He gets under my feet while I'm making drinks and snacks for the kids and touches things in my kitchen- she just sits in the next room waiting, surely its not too much to ask that she just keeps him happy while I at least finish in the kitchen.

Im also sick of him throwing dd's toys at her and snatching and not being told off for it, i dont let my dd snatch toys, even her own! He also pushes her and hits her- today i had to drag him away from the bookcase he was hanging off while my friend sat inches away!

Aibu to ask her to keep him in check a bit more when hes here because I always have to run around after him. If so, what do I say?

OP posts:
puglife15 · 25/07/2017 22:26

Corbyns but nothing in the OP's post points to behavioural issues to me? He sounds like a normal, if hard work, toddler. Looking at the op again it sounds like he's probably 20 months old, not much more than one and a half.

I have two DC - one who was a very easy going if shy toddler, quiet, content, good sleeper, naturally cautious, easy, could take him anywhere. The other is loud, very physical, runs away at every opportunity, takes huge risks, climbs everything, has screaming tantrums, throws toys etc.

I agree the mum should take more action to prevent her DC hitting etc but there's nothing "wrong" with him.

puglife15 · 25/07/2017 22:27

OP you are a good friend.

Could you child gate your kitchen and put toys you don't want him to grab away?

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 25/07/2017 22:31

So call her to come and grab her ds every time he misbehaves. Don't let her sit on her arse while you control her bloody kid!

CorbynsBumFlannel · 25/07/2017 22:35

I wasn't using behavioural issues as some kind of code for 'something wrong with the child' I was using it to literally mean issues that the parent is currently having with the child's behaviour.

puglife15 · 25/07/2017 22:37

Ah ok. So parental issues I guess!

mooneypie · 25/07/2017 22:42

dd was a very easy toddler. Ds now 17 months is into EVERYTHING. He's too young to really understand no, so I mainly use distraction, but I would no way take him to someone else's house at this stage, and if we go out I end up having to follow him around and stop him climbing/throwing stones/walking off etc etc! He just screams and writhes if he is constrained too :) He is not a brat, I am not a bad parent, he's just an adventurous and strong willed toddler. I don't let him get away with anything 'naughty' and if I have to remove him and trigger a tantrum that's fine, but I definitely chose my battles. It is seriously hard work but it will be so much easier this time next year. I find out door toddler play areas with sand and water the best at keeping him occupied atm if that helps. Stick with them (you never know, if you have another child who is similar one day you may be glad of her support)

Della1 · 25/07/2017 22:45

Yes yes to meeting outdoors. My very physical 2yo needs outdoor space. Soft play isn't great for some children. If you're outside, her toddler can touch things without you feeling stressed. Is there an open space near you? Take a couple of balls for the dc to kick around/chase after/throw.

TheVanguardSix · 25/07/2017 22:45

Your friend's boy will more than likely turn out to be a totally lovely kid. But at the moment, that's not what you need to hear.

I had a friendship identical to yours. In fact, we're still friends and our kids are 7 and are still very good friends. I had to call time on the playdates though at that age. I can't tell you the number of times I was left with my flat looking like a Texas tornado ripped through it. The final straw was when my lovely friend chatted away while I washed her caked-in-mud child from stem to stern and she didn't even bother to help. It was her kid. Mine wasn't even in the shower with him. Just him, looking like he'd fallen through a sewage drain.

Do you live near a common with a playground? Two of mine needed to be run like dogs at that age (still do). A big,open, safe green space with the added bonus of a nearby playground might be the recipe you need. It is true, as another poster mentioned, fresh air is magical for kids. It really calms them, and us, down.

Della1 · 25/07/2017 22:46

Also, you will probably get more opportunity to talk than if you're in an enclosed space. If it's s wide, open space she will be able to see him and will never be far away.

Della1 · 25/07/2017 22:48

I agree with above. I take my 3 dc (all under 5) out in the fresh air twice a day. It's great!

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 25/07/2017 22:50

Meet at hers?

fairypuff · 25/07/2017 22:51

Can u go to her house?

gandalf456 · 25/07/2017 22:52

He's only tiny and it's a phase. It'll pass. In the meantime, some great suggestions. It may be a bit of the parent's fault but it's an easy trap to fall in if you have a lively child who doesn't listen if you do something and doesn't listen if you do nothing.

I have had a lot of play dates like this -some with it being my child acting up and some with the guest. Some friendships survived and some did not.

When we fast forwarded, all kids rurned out ok. Just try to keep visits short and infrequent until the phase has passed

GoingRogue · 25/07/2017 23:01

I just tell the toddlers/kids off myself tbh. I'm firm but fair. I'm quite confident though, and have two kids and am 36, if that makes a difference. So for example when he's raiding your cupboards just get down to his level and say firmly "No, we don't pull these out....here are the toys..." And direct him back to where he should be playing.

Agree to meeting outside, esp in summer. You could chase them round the play area for 30 mins then strap them into buggies with books, snacks and drinks and go for a 30 min stroll together when you could have your catch up chat.

Good luck - it does get easier! I think he's just at a tricky age and fingers crossed he'll calm down (I think it would be a shame to lose a friend over it, but then I've distanced myself from people in the past because I came to realise we have very different parenting styles).

Caterina99 · 25/07/2017 23:02

OP it's just part of toddler mum life! I have friends that I don't invite to my house or go to theirs because my DS (just turned 2) just fights with their kids over toys the whole time. And then some that he gets on with no problem.

Yes park and playground and soft play playdates are more work at that age for certain toddlers cos you have to follow them everywhere in case they fall or hit someone, but it does get better. I mostly sat on a bench this morning with my friend as our crazy toddler boys ran round the playground together. A few months ago that would have been unheard of.

Ceebs85 · 25/07/2017 23:04

A child in my house would get the same treatment my own child would. Don't seethe while he destroys your house and gets under your feet. Address it! Hopefully she might take the hint that they need to step up and deal with their own child's behaviour (hopefully!)

GlitterGlassEye · 25/07/2017 23:07

I have 3dc and my youngest dd(2) can be a bit of a brat and I have no qualms whatsoever telling her off especially in others company or house.

I wouldn't tell her tho OP, as she might take it as a criticism but just stop inviting them over. Go to the park.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 25/07/2017 23:15

I have boys. It was at about this stage that I realised my 'mum' social group was almost entirely mothers of boys.

There are also lots of stages when your friends' kids don't get on with your own. I have one good friend who had a boy the same age as my DC2. They were great friends, then they were vile to each other (taking it in turns to be the vile one although obviously it was mostly her child Wink) and so on. Now as they go on to secondary they are back bosom buddies again. But there were years where they never set foot in each other's homes because it ended in tears.

LouHotel · 25/07/2017 23:19

What about an organised activity like swimming or baby gym where there's structure so might help with discipline but in a play environment. Would also help her to widen her social circle.

MrsNuckyThompson · 25/07/2017 23:21

OP - I'd do as suggested and go somewhere neutral.

I'd also consider getting off your high horse and start hoping your DD doesn't get a bit more tricky in her behaviour as many many todders do. Your friend maybe feels she is in a 'safe space' and can relax for once as you are her friend (e.g. It sounds as though when out in public she didn't just sit back doing nothing).

KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/07/2017 23:29

I would go about this in two different way but both to achieve the same thing.

If you think she's lonely and (esp) because you seem to like her, offer to come round one eve after her LO is in bed, bring wine or drink tea and have some grown up time together (even if it's just watching something on netflix or something).

With playdates, I think you both need to be focussing far more on the children (not meant as critically as that sounds). But, prepare for them. I.e. have snacks and drinks ready. If your friend wants a cuppa, tell her to put the kettle on.
In the meantime, set up an activity (esp at the moment when it can be outside), and splosh around the paint or play with sand or toss a ball around, bake biscuits if you can stand the mess. Whatever. and because they have the attention span of a gnat, have a few things around they can do, but - key point - you're there facilitating. Change the focus of those playdates so that they involve you. I wouldn't expect children of that age to play unsupervised in any case.
And you might find that her kid, once he has something to focus on, behaves a whole lot better.

Good luck.

wibblywobblyfish · 25/07/2017 23:36

I had a friend that used to let her older twins rampage through my house, one time they went into my teenagers bedroom, emptied all his cds and games out onto the floor and stamped all over them. They poured bottles of shower gel all over the bathroom floor and then the youngest child who was about two wandered off to find them, joined in and shat all over the bathroom to boot. They were about 6 at the time. Friend sat downstairs while I tried to fix the chaos. My teenager was out at the time and my other was about a year old and asleep on the sofa. I avoided her after that. I liked her, I just couldn't cope with the destruction and my OH would come home and get really angry about the mess which I had been left to fix. I would always feel anxious about meeting up and stressed during the time we spent together.

We moved on to soft play but there were so many confrontations with other parents that I stopped going with her.

pynk · 25/07/2017 23:40

Why can't you just ask her to help out in the house and ask her to watch her lad a bit more. If you are seeing someone with a little kid regularly then it's daft to be worried about being the perfect host.

If the lad is throwing toys at your DD and won't stop then you will have to ask them to leave. You can't put your DD at risk of being hurt just because of 'politeness'. That would be crazy.
You don't have to be rude or unkind

blankface · 25/07/2017 23:40

Would it be unreasonable to say something like "Sorry do you mind telling him not to touch xyz or keeping him away from xyz? Im worried about him breaking it and getting hurt?

I just speak directly to the child, smile and say 'No. We don't do that here' and direct them to something more suitable.
I'd never tolerate behaviour from a visiting child that I'd not tolerate from my own.

DanHumphreyIsA · 26/07/2017 05:45

@wibblywobblyfish thats terribleShock. I'll never understand people who have such a lack of respect for other peoples houses, parent or not!

OP tbh I would just tell your friend, and if nothing changes the next time they visit, then tell your friend that you wont have anymore play dates at yours and the reason why. I get you want to be there for her, but the situation is not really fair on you or your DD.