To have no idea why this upset this woman, dance school related.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I was talking to a couple of mums yesterday. One with a dd in a dance/drama type school that I decided not to send my dd to as she's really into ballet not the drama. Moreover dd already knows a lot of children in the dance school. Her dd has been at the other school for years and the mother seems heavily committed to it. I talked lots to this mum as she has a wealth of experience before I decided on which school and although I didn't tell her, the one I chose also suits me better due to chronic illness/ mobility issues of which she isn't aware.

The other mum is a friend and my dd up til now has been going to the same local dance school. So I've just signed my dd up to a very good local dance school renowned for good ballet. Both schools have a stunning reputation so the choice was also based on which classes were available to her on a Saturday and this one came up trumps. The owner of school itself when I said I had also considered the other school confirmed it is also an excellent school. So no competition as far as I'm aware.

My friend was asking me about the school. The question she asked was "is x school (the one dd is going to) old school". To which I replied "I think so." The other mother hit the roof, "You can't say things like that, it upsets people bla blah blah". And I said, well it's more about the ballet for dd and not about the drama so I've chosen based on what my dd wants. She continued to rant about how I upset people saying stuff like that.

Any dancers out there. What did I say wrong? I have put myself through professional acting btw so I just don't get it. It's normal to talk about one school without denigrating the other, isn't it?

Oh hilarious - it was a conversation, you know, chatting? Not a phone thing!!

Thanks Trinity and Alexander for the insight into the dance world. I'm thinking this is all a bit Dance Moms for me. Really I'm way past any of that kind of competitiveness. Not living vicariously through my child is good for the soul.

Perhaps she thought you meant dance hall stylee?As in ragga.

Rest assured it's her, not you.

Next week you & your friend should do something different, without her, go for a walk or sit in your car. She needs to get the message that her behaviour was rude & anti social. Daft mare.

Ballet is ballet is ballet. But sometimes people use the term "old school" to refer to the sort of ballet training where teachers shout & children get eating disorders. That cliche of ballet training that is now actually quite rare.

"Modern ballet" is something different again.

I don't think it's about equipment - it's likely that the other mother maybe thought that you were using the term "old school" in a derogatory way about the teaching methods.

MsLexicon

Her dd is studying for grade 3 or 4 ballet. She got 1st place in a modern solo dance at a festival. So I'd be an idiot to look down on the school. And I wouldn't do that anyway.

Annie

Yes you're right. We also sit with a mum from dds school. These 2 women work together. I think my friend and i and they are different. We are deep thinkers and analytical.

@Mummyoflittledragon

I suppose I'm a Dance Mum but I'm not the competitive type. Still can't understand why it's seems to be part of DD's soul to dance when I spent my childhood avoiding any stage activities lol. However there is always a hard core dance mum or two (or way more) at every school. Some are batshit. Some are nasty. All of them are entertaining if you let them be

I'd distance yourself from her if I were you as she seems to be the dreaded combo of "Batshit-competitive-defensive" type and they're the worst lol.

FWIW you get the same competitiveness when choosing Primary and secondary schools. Mental but it happens. Best ignored/avoided.

"Batshit competitive-defensive". Sounds like a personality type 🙈🙉🙊

it definitely is with some people

How come you didn't ask her why she was upset at the time? If someone said to me 'you can't say things like that' and I didn't understand what she meant I would just ask her to explain. Then you could have explained back what you meant and cleared the air. I know it is too late to say this now, but that is my advice for next time you have a misunderstanding!

Mumma. I agree. I just get all tongue tied and upset. She was in full attack btw and properly scary. Part of family dynamic being the scapegoat and frequently attacked by family (just gone NC with brother this week so feeling very raw). I get frightened and go into people pleaser mode. I also have ME/CFS so brain fog factors in this also.

I have no idea what this threqd is about or why a ballet school being traditional upsets people. Maybe you could ask her to explain, I'm guessing you didn't at the time? Wouldn't that have been the normal reaction? To ask what was wrong with saying it and why such a phrase upset people?

I think that the third woman took "old-school" to mean supposedly superior, in the sense of being the original, "pure" form of something, undiluted by new-fangled, modern methods and practices! There is often an associated idea that "old-school" demands higher standards, harder work, more commitment, and even more talent to achieve. I think she thought that you were giving her daughter's school inferior status, as not being "old-school". That's why she said it was "upsetting". (Disclaimer - I don't necessarily agree with this. Depends completely on the circumstances, which we know nothing about. )

As a fellow ballet/dance mum I feel your pain Dance can bring an awful and frankly bizzare side out in some mothers, normally the ones who failed at dance themselves and are now living through their child

Deffo living vicariously. The new fangled thing was mentioned upthread. She's being ridiculous if she thought my friend and I were getting at that. I was quite clear I didn't expect my dd to be a dancer. I think she expects hers to be one though.

Anyway sounds like I didn't say anything wrong so if it ain't me, that only leaves one person

This sounds familiar to me. Could it be that she's got her nose out of joint because she feels a bit insulted that you have "rejected" the school her daughter attends as no longer good enough for your daughter and she is in a bit of a sniff about it.

Was the word "traditional" was a bit loaded? Perhaps she was trying to imply either stuffy or snobby as a bit of a put down. When you agreed, she might have, (with her nose already out of joint) have considered this to be smug agreement and the put down backfired? I could be wrong of course. Who knows?

But I have had "friends" or rather ultra competitive peer group mothers behave this way over things like tutors/schools or clubs and have often wondered why they had to put so much effort into finding out exactly what we were doing and why, and then having pestered me for a the reason ( which were similar to yours - that it suited my child and was on the right day etc.)
They refused to accept my reason, implied I must have some secret motive that I was hiding and would instead choose to attribute some other stupid reason, usually along the lines of us giving ourselves airs and graces, or spoiling the child, or wasting money. They of course, doing almost exactly the same thing - were completely in the clear. It doesn't seem to matter whether they were talking about after school activities or hairdressers. I steer well clear of such folk these days, they were not real friends. Still gives me a shudder to think of it.

Good luck with old school if I've read it right and your daughter's playing rugby as well! Hugely different muscles and the potential for lots of interesting injuries even with touch Rugby if she takes either highly seriously. But good on her.

Could it be that she's got her nose out of joint because she feels a bit insulted that you have "rejected" the school her daughter attends as no longer good enough for your daughter and she is in a bit of a sniff about it.

This is what I thought too, Duck Billed Splatter Puff.

Duckbilled
My friend was the one who said it. I know I contradicted myself upthread. The same for me regarding days and activities. My dd is really into sport with boundless energy. I otoh have ME/CFS and so I booked her into a bunch of activities because it suited me. I couldn't play with her for very long but I can take her to things and sit.

Millie
Thanks. She does contact rugby now, I'm not so sure this one is her serious sport but she likes it and it's one she goes to with daddy. I know there's a lot of risk of some interesting injuries. She also rides and does judo. I'm figuring the judo break fall techniques help with falling off the horse as well as falling at rugby and the gymnastics helps her keep her muscles stretched and loose. Anyway, she loves it all and has made a wide circle of friends. She'll be a boys dream when she gets older as she's also into watching football. That's if she doesn't scare them off first as she's pretty feisty

I haven't rejected her school per se. It is important for dd to have existing friends wherever she goes for the first time otherwise she struggles and potentially would end up not wanting to go. We've been through this before although she's getting better with age. It's also too scary for me to take her there and pick her up from a mobility POV. I can't park outside. It's in the centre of a city. I have enough energy to drive her there and collect her later but having to park in multi storey car parks and navigate traffic as a pedestrian is a whole different ball game. I have chosen not to apply for a disabled badge partly because my need for one fluctuates and I don't want to get one for this just to park on double yellows outside the place. Dh works long hours and has a lie in on Saturdays so he wouldn't be up for a 9am drop off in a city and he also works some Saturdays so I cannot always rely on him. Her school just didn't suit for lots of reasons and categorically none of them are to do with the quality of teaching. I'm sure it's excellent. The photos of the shows and costumes are breathtaking.

Think of it as old school like Ocford or Cambridge ... she thinks you're saying it's better than her daughters more modern school because it is more 'old money' than 'nouveau Roche' x

Utterly bonkers and it shows how 'not of that world' you are in failing to decide her completely doolally tantrum!

Sorry decode not decide :)

Horses

Funny you should mention that the new school has been around forever.

WellThisIs

Nooo I am not of that world. Never was part of the in crowd or popular girls.