AIBU to ask Wtf Is 'Child Led'?

[JustDanceAddict]

Seeing this a lot lately - what does it actually entail.
If my DCs didn't want to get up for school cos they're tired, is it child-led to keep them off school?
Mine know unless they are illthey are going in, as I have to go to work when tired, etc.

I will listen to my kids' reasons to do x,y or z but if I don't agree they will not be doing it.

I have let DD (15) off a couple of optional things and have regretted it as in the end it wasn't right in the circumstances that she didn't attend.

Surely it's all about compromise, but some things: school, family events, etc. are non-negotiable (barring mental health issues around school before I get flamed).

Oh look, much sneering from people because some parents give their child the same level of respect that they do every other member of the household. Child led is not about permissiveness or not providing a safe framework, it is about putting objects, or topics out for them as an invitation to play and seeing where they take it.
In younger children it can be weaning from the breast, finding a bed time that suits them and their sleep patterns rather than an arbitrary one. There are lots of ways to let your child lead and the resulting behaviour is far better than the average rather than what is insinuated here and the children running wild and not respecting their parents boundaries. It's a two way exchange of respect and it's fascinating to document in the classroom and to see how children take the 'invitation' so differently.

I thought that child led referred to very young or young children.
Not a teen or a an old child.
And was more about either learning style or weaning.

Fwiw, I think there are areas where the child was 'lead' things and areas where they can't.
Learning to read and count for example has to be compulsory after 7yo because we know that this is the age when all children are ready (so more leeway at 5yo when some might not be iyswim).
In my books it also doesn't mean that you shouldn't try at all!!

Same with weaning, follow their lead as to how much or how they want to eat. But at some point they WILL have to use a spoon and then cutlery. And they WILL have to try lost of different foods (for their own sake really. A restrictive diet is never good for the body at any age)

I think I was very child led my two were little. Not so much when they got older!

Poor form OP.

It is generally used to mean showing more respect for a child's autonomy than normal society/parenting norms do.

If what you want is actual information as against an opportunity to sneer, perhaps doing a little research would be your best bet?

Thanks so far.
Totally understand it in an EFYS framework - child-led play etc. Letting your young kids dictate bedtime - no. In fact my very old friend told me recently that because her parent didn't set bedtimes she felt as a child that she wanted those boundaries like me and other friends. Even my teens get shooed off to bed by 10pm the latest in term time - they're rotten when they don't get enough sleep. Parents have to take the lead.
Obviously if a child is school refusing because of an issue, I want to discuss and help, but I will - and have - told the school what the problem is. If they're tired/cba/got a runny nose - they go in. I apply the same principles as I do to my working life.

I do hope none of the posters who think child led is wrong have ever asked their dc to write a list for Santa? I mean they might ask for things they actually want, rather than what their parents decided they are getting.

Re: bedtimes, my understanding is that rather than saying "bedtime is 7pm" and fighting for an hour to get your kid into bed, you might read or quietly play for an hour and try bedtime at 8pm, when they're actually ready for bed and make 8pm bedtime!

It's not "we'll all sit around watching TV downstairs and you take yourself off to bed when you feel like it"

Well, those who would say they adopted more child led principles would disagree with you.

For one of my children a 'child led' bedtime wouldn't work as she would still wake at silly o clock regardless of bedtime. For my other, he could manage his own sleep quite adequately without my help. So just because something doesn't work in your household doesn't mean it is wrong across the board.

Dh and I are not the bosses in our house, no-one is. We are a cooperative who make decisions together. I wouldn't declare us as child led as I am not into labels, but equally I don't get to make decisions around my child's autonomy just because I am older. I'm not talking walking in the middle of the road or the ridiculous zip wire analogy used earlier of course, but normal every day decisions.

Like @RaspberryRuffless we home ed.

[Warning: Jargon alert] We used to radically unschool. Recently (since January) we've introduced some structure, so would say we are child-led, rather than unschoolers, now.

The reason for the change is because my eldest is getting older, and we're looking towards pre-16 college in a few years. So, they now have a choice of one exercise/page of maths or English each day, followed by 10min of Spanish (their choice, as we're holidaying there next year), plus an optional 1 page of a workbook (the ones you can get in various topics for £1). The rest of the day, their time is their own and they can learn and play what they wish. Recently, that has been a project on WW2, playing the keyboard or the recorder, writing a film script and using toys to make a stop-motion-film, making up dances (they do far too many dance lessons and love to practise choreography), doing arts and crafts, playing outside with friends etc.

But yes, even as babies we were child-led: breast-fed on demand, BLW, potty-trained when they were ready, etc.

I wasn't saying it was right!!

We now use 'talk for writing' rather than chalk and talk

There's room for all isn't there?

Sorry so the child led part is the topic - not the outcome - they get to chose the topics

Yes, exactly. Noticing that your class has an interest in bastard fidget spinners Tim Peake and incorporating the ISS as a mini-topic, to give them opportunities to show off their adjectives/fronted adverbials/research skills etc on a topic they actually care about.

It's not new. It was like that when I was at school a hundred years ago.

"Child-led" is basically the polar opposite of "because I said so".

So it's basically what most people do then? I mean no one sits down an says "you will play with the lego"

The only reason to label it is you either think it some how make a you superior like the baby led weaning stuff. It's feeding your baby. You didn't invent finger food ffs. Or you are using it as an excuse for something.

Baby led weaning is very different to offering finger food in a normal weaning pattern. And I don't know anyone in real life who calls themselves child led, however I know a lot of parents who are the very opposite of what it means. "Because I said so."

"Child-led" is basically the polar opposite of "because I said so". No I might listen to my dc, discuss their opinion, discuss my opinion and end with so the answer is no. Obviously I don't do this if it is a time sensitive situation.
And yes it is what most people do, just like if they follow the NHS weaning advise, rather than cow and gate, you will be doing BLW.

According to child led parenting friends it very much is about your child setting the lead, so for example, their DC went to bed at midnight and got up at 10am until they started school because that's when they wanted to sleep.

To be a child led parent, you really have to home educate as school imposes all sorts of annoying rules like turning up on time and following their timetable, not the child's.

I would imagine it's virtually impossible to do "properly" unless you never interact with anyone outside of your immediate family unit.

Again, it isn't about being permissive or not having any rules.

DD attends a Montessori nursery (not deliberately chosen, it was the best rated local nursery and the closest to my place of work). Their philosophy is very child-led and despite being a bit sceptical to begin with I can see how it has allowed her to blossom.

Of course there's every chance she'd have also thrived in a non-Montessori environment, who knows!

Our child told us (in very many different ways) that she wasn't ready for school at 4 and half years old. We listened.

The single most concerning thing about that is that no one appears to have noticed. No visits, no checks, nothing. I guess that's a whole other thread though.

I hate all this parenting styles stuff. Sometimes I let my DC do what they want and make certain choices, sometimes they need to do what I say.
Why label everything?

I have issues with being too child-led even in EYFS environment, though that probably makes me a bit of a heretic in the eyes of many!

Shit Red, I can't listen to my dc and respect them because they go to school? Really?

I've only really heard it used in an educational context, early years or otherwise.

Are you a home educator, Morphene?

I don't think that's what Red was saying, Scaredycat.

It's one of those things that is at heart a pretty sensible idea but that has been hijacked by the parenting industry and mistakenly used as a label by a certain parenting style which can be a bit odd

So the sensible stuff is giving children respect and autonomy within safe and age appropriate boundaries. So yes at the park we can run around pretending to be wild animals if you want but no we can't do that in the cafe. It's listening to kids, letting them know they are heard and respected but of course there are times when they need to do what they don't want to. Kiddo needs to be strapped in the car seat even if he doesn't want to.

As always, people take it too far and that where you get little fenella and Tarquinius staying up till midnight and never being told no and spawning a million jaw droppingly entitled parenting blogs.