This is annoying, right? I'm not just a meany pants?

[ThePearlNecklaceOfTheresaMay]

DH and I both like to have a cup of tea and maybe some toast or a couple of biccies in the evening after the kids have gone to bed.

However I am the only one who ever does it. Makes the tea and toast, I mean.

If I didn't do it, he wouldn't do it. So we'd both miss out.

He's obviously not bothered. But I AM bothered. I like tea and toast in the evening! He only likes it just because I happen to be making it.

So anyway, tonight I just made it for myself and he got all huffy.

AIBU that I didn't make any for him?

But I do see what you mean - and it seems to be a male thing - like never thinking to wash up when it's on the side ... and when you get mad they say that you didn't ask them to do it ... but it's their house too and why should you always have to do it or ask them ( which they'll call nagging)

OP is this one of many one-sided efforts in your relationship? Or does he do his share generally?

It's never helpful to look at just one chore. I literally never take the bins out, my husband always does it. He doesn't get huffy about it, because there are chores that I always do, or generally do more often, and it all evens out without the need for keeping score.

I suggest that every time you're waiting for the kettle to boil, you try to think of a nice small thing he did for you that day. If you can't think of anything, then I guess you should be annoyed.

Someone before said "He is really chuffed when I do it though, and would do it if asked IYSWIM. " Surely him knowing it is a nice thing to have done for you without having to ask is why he should be doing it for you sometimes without being asked. I'm totally on your side here, OP.

What does he say when you ask him?
Or simply go oh it's tea and toast time your turn. If he says he doesn't want any make yourself some and he has no room to moan.
I like the pp who does rock paper scissors that's a fun way and less point scoring.

Wonder if we would see this posted if it was a husband about his wife

He needs pulling into line imo.
Better late than never.

Hi AtSea, you said

He doesn't need "telling" or "asking to take turns" etc. He should be offering. If he's not then he's not that bothers so OP was right to assume he didn't want any and make her own. No wonder so many people complain on here about their layabout husbands when we are expected to "ask" for things rather than it just being fair that they do it without being nagged in to it.

But people in relationships do ask for things, especially if you've fallen into a bit of a habit. "Hey love would you close the curtains" or "can you grab me a glass of water".

Yes, he should have thought to offer but sometimes people are thoughtless. That's why I think OP should suggest "look babe, let's take turns getting the tea in because it's not fair that I always do it" and a reasonable person would respond "oh crap, i'm sorry, I just never think to but now I will".

Thoughtlessness can be a learned behaviour, of course, and I do think women are more conditioned to be thoughtful. But they should talk about it.

I think it's indicative of bigger things. If I've cooked dinner and had longer putting children to bed I really like DH to make me a cup of tea when I come downstairs. I told him this as I t's nice to have something done for me after a day of making things for everyone else. If he has cooked the dinner I make the tea. It's about looking out for / after your partner.

Maybe he's not fussed about having it, but happy to join in with you?

I have toast on occasion, always ask dp, who says "go on then", like I've twisted his arm. If I didn't ask, he'd go without, maybe he doesn't want it enough to actually get off his arse.

Anyway, I quite like him joining me in the eating, I feel less indulgent!

I'm on the fence with this, but I think you should ask him if he is making the tea and toast, if he says no, then you can say 'you won't bother if I get my own will you?'.

I think suddenly changing the routine like that makes a big dramatic point. Sometimes that's needed but other times you could have just asked nicely.

YABVU for using the term 'biccies'

I drink lots more tea than my DP, so offer him lots more than he offers.. occasionally I ask him to make a cup and he'll say he's not bothered at the moment, then I'll say you don't want one if I'm making one then.. oh I'll have one if you're making one he goes... that pissed me off. Then he thinks I'm childish if I very occasionally refuse we do take it in turns to do tea and toast, or its whoever is least busy or one does tea and one does toast.. I always think it's the small things that count. giving and taking should be evenly split Imo. Little resentments can eat away at relationships.

I had similar. Got to the point where I said to Mr BagLady
"Will you go and make me a cup of tea please".
He said "No, you make it".
So I did, sat down with tea and scrummy biccies. He sulked a little and I said "you didn't want one".

Perhaps, OP, you could just ask DH outright?
"will you do the tea and toast tonight please?"
If he says no, then you just make your own, he doesn't et any. If he says yes, then Brill... result.

Wow this is still going?

A near perfect 50:50 'you're a PA bitch OP'/'your DH is a dick' ratio.

I didn't expect this tiny marital battleground of attrition to be so divisive.

I just said to him 'I really want a cuppa' and he replied, 'well it's not gonna make itself is it?'

Then he winked at me and got up and made the tea .

Passive aggression isn't usually the most effective way to solve a problem.

You were being mean. It's nice to do things for others.

There's a fine line between being nice and being a mug.

It looks like teapriving him did the trick.

It's nice to do things for others

Absolutely - which is why DH should share the experience

Maybe he does lots of other things?

YABVU for using the phrase "meany pants"

It sounds like he's just got used to you doing it. Just tell him you want to take it in turns in future, if he still wants toast he needs to do his fair share. It would annoy me if my DH suddenly stopped doing something as a show of passive aggression when he hadn't brought it up as an issue previously.

Then he winked at me and got up and made the tea

Huzzah, nice update OP!