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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This is annoying, right? I'm not just a meany pants?

95 replies

ThePearlNecklaceOfTheresaMay · 23/07/2017 22:04

DH and I both like to have a cup of tea and maybe some toast or a couple of biccies in the evening after the kids have gone to bed.

However I am the only one who ever does it. Makes the tea and toast, I mean.

If I didn't do it, he wouldn't do it. So we'd both miss out.

He's obviously not bothered. But I AM bothered. I like tea and toast in the evening! He only likes it just because I happen to be making it.

So anyway, tonight I just made it for myself and he got all huffy.

AIBU that I didn't make any for him?

OP posts:

AuntMatilda · 23/07/2017 23:52

wicksend has the right idea. I don't blame you for doing that, OP.

Or;

'What's the 20th letter of the alphabet'?
Or
'You know when you bump yourself and your skin goes purple for a bit? What's that called again?'

'Bruise'.

'Brews! Lovely idea thank you...'

PoppyTree · 23/07/2017 23:52

I am on the fence tbh. I must say, I am more likely to pop in the kitchen to make coffee and toast, or cheese and crackers, or a cappuccino. And DH rarely does it. He is really chuffed when I do it though, and would do it if asked IYSWIM. I also deal with almost all the finances, and pay the bills, and usually do the shopping and washing. I don't care.

Then again, he is more likely to put the duvet covers and sheets on, and mow the lawn, and build furniture, and do heavy work, and carry the bags when we are out and we buy stuff. We can have 50 items in 8 bags and he will carry them all to save me doing it. He also does all the driving, (on a long journey especially,) but is cool if I want to do it; which I usually don't! He will also go fetch the kids from a long way away, like a 3 hour round trip when I can't be arsed.

So we both do stuff for each other IYSWIM. I know it may not suit some women's ears to hear this, but we do tend to have our own little jobs/chores, that we always do. We just sort of fell into it over the years. And making snackettes is something I usually do.

So imo OP, YABU. I am sorry to say this but imo you were being petty and mean. I mean, from what you say, you haven't even mentioned anything to him, like 'hey you wanna make it for a change?'

I agree that you need to tell him you'd like him to do it sometimes. So what if he is a 'grown man?' Grown men need a nudge sometimes!

KimchiLaLa · 23/07/2017 23:52

Jealous you can drink tea in the evening without being up all night. Anyone know of a good decaf tea that tastes like normal tea?

Ceto · 23/07/2017 23:54

I want tea.

He's not fussed.

Unless I'm making it, in which case he'll have some.

Next time, when he says he's not fussed, say "OK, then, so if I make some just for me, you won't get huffy again, will you*. He'll be stuck: if he shows any sort of displeasure with that, clearly he is fussed, and should (a) say so and (b) admit that if wants it, he should make it sometimes.

FeckinCrutches · 23/07/2017 23:55

Why don't you ask him to do it?
How long has this been going on? Months? Years?

DirtyChaiLatte · 23/07/2017 23:57

Just tell him that it's not fair that you have to do it every night that you want to take it in turns from now on.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 24/07/2017 00:02

Yanbu

If he "wasn't fussed" why is he in a huff with you now?

The answer is he is bloody well fussed, but he is pretending he isn't so he doesn't have to get off his arse and take his turn.

He's taking the piss!

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 24/07/2017 00:04

And I can't believe how many women are telling the Op she's being mean.

How long have you been making this tea and toast for, evety single night OP?

PoppyTree · 24/07/2017 00:10

You have to put things in perspective. So she has been doing this night after night for years or whatever........

But maybe HE has been doing stuff too for years (that she doesn't do.) Also I am sure he doesn't hold a gun to her head! And he is also not aware (apparently) that she is so ANGRY about doing it.

Sorry, but making something for yourself and purposely leaving your husband out when you know he would like it, and you usually make it is just petty and mean.

melj1213 · 24/07/2017 00:11

If he "wasn't fussed" why is he in a huff with you now?

Maybe because instead of speaking to him, the OP just moved the goalposts and randomly decided she was only making her own tonight.

The "status quo" is that the OP did it for both of them, if she didn't want to do it, why not use her words to tell him she wanted to change the system and that it was his turn?

PoppyTree · 24/07/2017 00:16

Agree with @melj1213

Have to say I think the reaction to this would be different if it was a woman on here saying her husband had done this to her. It would be like 'what a nasty, selfish, pig of a man, why are you with him exactly??? LTB!'

Majora · 24/07/2017 00:20

I agree with melj, but I think YANBU. If he never makes it but expects you to make it, I would be miffed.

You probably should have asked him to make it or "hey, it's your turn to do tea and toast! i always do it :)" But I would be miffed too and would probably do the same thing.

I think calling you a child is over the top, but AIBU is like that.

GreenTulips · 24/07/2017 00:21

if she didn't want to do it

There was ok IF she didn't want to so didn't!

Was he grateful every night she made the snack? No he wasn't fussed so didn't see it a treat or favour - just what happened!

He should've been more appreciative

WicksEnd · 24/07/2017 00:29

Ooh the 'bruise' is a new one to use on teenage DS AuntMatilda
Thank you!

Pallisers · 24/07/2017 00:33

But maybe HE has been doing stuff too for years (that she doesn't do.) Also I am sure he doesn't hold a gun to her head! And he is also not aware (apparently) that she is so ANGRY about doing it.confused

if he has been doing stuff for years that she doesn't do under the exact same circumstances as OP posted - and posted on MN, I'll give him the same response as I gave the OP. He didn't so who cares?

This thread is funny. Would women really sit there night after night for their entire married lives going "well I'd like a cup of tea and a biscuit, how about you?" and get the response "I'm not fussed but I'll have one if you are making it" night after night after night and not realise their husbands like a cup of tea and a biscuit but just don't want to get up from the sofa??

And then you tell her she is mean for taking him at his word? He said he wasn't fussed. Certainly not fussed enough to do it himself (why would he when he had a woman to do it for him?) but fussed enough to object when it didn't appear for him.

When my dh says "not that bothered" to something he doesn't expect me to produce it for him anyway just because I am doing it for myself. I thought that was normal.

Trollspoopglitter · 24/07/2017 00:37

"Your OH, who has got used to the usual system.."

Key words. Most of us adults know that if we take and never offer back, it will catch up with us eventually. So pretending you have no idea what social norms are and you weren't just being a lazy git isn't going to work on your partner, who knows you.

unwantedwoman · 24/07/2017 00:45

You made yourself some but not him? Yeah, meany pants.

melj1213 · 24/07/2017 00:55

Even with that being the case just one night randomly choosing not to make any for her OH without once saying anything is going to end up with him being miffed and huffy as he has had no sign that the OP is unhappy with the situation as it is currently.

If the OP had continued with the routine as usual and then said "Hey, I'm always the one making the tea and toast, it's your turn tomorrow" and her OH had got huffy, then I'd be on her side but to just decide to change the plan is always going to cause irritation and annoyance in the other party especially when it is over something so petty as tea and toast.

GreenTulips · 24/07/2017 00:59

Yes but it's the little things that grind you down

Pallisers · 24/07/2017 01:02

You made yourself some but not him? Yeah, meany pants.

he always lets you make the tea and toast. Yeah meany pants - every single night. Not just the one night you decided to behave like him and suit yourself.

melj1213 · 24/07/2017 01:18

Yes but it's the little things that grind you down

So here's a radical solution, if something is bothering you ... put on your big girl pants and talk to the other person about it.

kmc1111 · 24/07/2017 01:19

God, just use your words and tell him what you want. Can't stand this type of passive aggressive game-playing. All you had to do was say 'Let's start taking the toast and tea making in turns'.

TheMaddHugger · 24/07/2017 01:33

(((((((Hugs))))))) OP

I too have had this. I 'cured' him by speaking up and Saying Your turn, I'll have ... I spoke up years ago.

On the other hand my good friend has been married same as i [30+ yrs]
And her husband is a CAD wouldn't make a cuppa to save his own life. She has only recently been angry about all this as he lost his work and she is now carrying the whole home on her megre wage.

It's very hard to change them [DH] this late in the game

OP Speak up.

Good Luck

IloveBanff · 24/07/2017 01:41

kmc1111 "God, just use your words and tell him what you want. Can't stand this type of passive aggressive game-playing. All you had to do was say 'Let's start taking the toast and tea making in turns'."

I couldn't agree more. You're both adults and presumably love each other. So act like it. There's no need for any acrimony.

ThinkOfTheHorses · 24/07/2017 03:28

I agree with your point but it brings me back to something many MNs seem incapable of with partners ... you've committed yourself to this man so why can't you simply say to him ' why do I always have to do X .. why can't you also sometimes do X?'

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