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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit cheeky for a wedding

93 replies

Bluepansies · 23/07/2017 15:22

Old friend's wedding recently. We travelled 200 miles and so had to get two night's accommodation as it started fairly early. Guests were asked to bring a dish so I made 120 macarons of various colours/flavours which cost a fair bit in time and money but I figured, it's a wedding, it needs to be something special. Location was rural so pricey taxi was needed to get there and back. Arrived at stunning venue (which bride had told me cost them several grand) for ceremony.

No drinks were provided, only a paid bar. The only food all day and evening was dishes that guests had brought and were on the whole big vats of things like bland pasta/rice/couscous salad. The entire budget had clearly been spent on the venue.

AIBU to feel a bit miffed that for the hundreds of pounds I spent on this wedding they couldn't at least have thrown in a drink or two? They even asked for money instead of presents!

OP posts:
dingdongdigeridoo · 23/07/2017 16:34

Sounds like her priority was to have a princessy day that'd look good in pictures, rather than a fun celebration. I wouldn't mind bringing a dish to a wedding, but would also be miffed that they'd spent thousands on a venue and zero on guests.

TBH though I wouldn't be upset at the other guests bringing pastas etc. It's always a bit awkward knowing what to take and what'll last without refrigeration. I prefer it if the host gives some sort of guidance.

greendale17 · 23/07/2017 16:37

Mmmhhh macaroons!

I can't believe they asked you to bring food! Really?

greendale17 · 23/07/2017 16:38

Bride sounds a stingy crap host

bunningsbunny · 23/07/2017 16:38

I'm guessing that many people like you would have taken things that they could prepare in advance, that would be reasonably priced, and that they wouldn't have to worry about food poisoning with.

They also probably assumed that as it was a wedding rather than a general 'party with buffet where guests bring a dish' and where no other direction was given, that the hosts would have provided the 'main' bits of the buffet - whether that was beef wellington and a dressed salmon or slices of pizza, pork pie and tins of tuna... Plus that they might have asked some to bring savoury and others to bring pudding, with a little direction such as salads/pasta/bread rolls/etc to ensure there was an even spread of different dishes - leaving it all to chance and hoping that some people will bring the meaty/fishy/main course stuff as opposed to all the bits like bread and salads etc sounds like a recipe for a badly planned meal that will be memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Whichwayyisup · 23/07/2017 16:39

The culture I'm from it is completely normal for guests to bring food and drink and it gets laid out buffet style for all to share.

Then after the ceremony, it is customary for the bride and groom to dance and bow to the guests during which money is given to them for their new life together.

Different strokes etc

elevenclips · 23/07/2017 16:41

very cheeky indeed.
if finances are tight and guests are required to bring food the couple should have said no presents, the food is the present.

and they should have organised it a bit so that everyone didn't bring the same thing

JaneEyre70 · 23/07/2017 16:41

I'm very on the fence about weddings full stop but don't know why people have to go so over the top with venues. I'd prefer to feed and water my guests and keep them happy rather than have naice photos to sit in a neglected photo album, but that's just me. To ask guests to travel, spend money on accomodation and bring food sounds downright bloody cheeky tbh, let alone to have to buy your drinks Shock. You're a very good friend.

ChickenBhuna · 23/07/2017 16:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

If you cannot afford a big wedding then don't have one. Invite less people , have a budget venue perhaps , but do feed and water your guests.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/07/2017 16:43

I think if they are so hard-up that they felt they had to ask people to bring food, you could have anticipated that there would not be free drinks. Hope the day was lovely anyway.

GrandDesespoir · 23/07/2017 16:47

YANBU.

I hate the type of wedding where the b&g expect you to trek hundreds of miles to the middle of nowhere - usually in order for them to save money or by getting married in a sodding youth hostel or similar - and to bring your own food with you into the bargain. No way I'd be buying a wedding present in this instance I'm afraid.

NotAnotheChinHair · 23/07/2017 16:48

It sounds like a shit wedding

GrandDesespoir · 23/07/2017 16:48

Superfluous 'or'...

burnoutbabe · 23/07/2017 16:51

yes, you could have guessed what sort of wedding it would be from the bring food request. If not asked to bring drinks then highly likely to be buying your own and if just asked to bring ANY FOOD you can guess that the food offering would be pretty random and poor.

I'd have declined up front. They clearly don't care much for guest comfort.

Floggingmolly · 23/07/2017 16:52

The guests catered the event themselves! That is spectacularly tacky...

What was there about the venue that broke the budget if they didn't provide food? Most venues wouldn't allow you to rock up with your own dishes and start laying out trestle tables, that's church hall territory Confused

LoniceraJaponica · 23/07/2017 16:58

When my cousin got married he asked guests to contribute a dish of food to share.

BUT, we always do this as a family so it wasn't considered a rude request, AND he paid for ALL the drinks over the entire day.

The reception was in my auntie's garden, so the venue was free, but they hired help to supply crockery and cutlery, help serve the food, clear up and wash up.

It was a very hot day and he had to send out for more drinks as very little red wine got drunk.

It was the best wedding I have ever been to. Sadly they are no longer together.

yikesanotherbooboo · 23/07/2017 17:00

I wouldn't particularly object to bringing food but it would have been better if you could have brought drink as well AND bridal couple should have said no gifts....

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2017 17:01

Its not really cultrually accepted to bring a dish to a traditional English wedding. Yes some cultures do bring dishes. Sounds like the bride wanted a nice photographic venue, and not to care less about the wedding guests.

LoniceraJaponica · 23/07/2017 17:04

I don't think there is such a thing as a traditional English wedding any more.

Namechangetempissue · 23/07/2017 17:04

It's the cheek of asking for cash gifts on top of asking for food Shock. Some people have balls of steel.
In my opinion if you invite somebody to attend a wedding, you are responsible for feeding and watering (not necessarily a free bar, but at least a drink of fizz) that person. If you are going to ask guests to provide a plate of food or bring a bottle then you pad out the table with a few mains yourself first or you forgo gifts as the food is the gift.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 23/07/2017 17:11

So, just to make sure I've got this right, there was no sit down meal?

Only the 🥘 provided by the guests??

I wouldn't like that, unless the other guests were Gordon fucking Ramsay (which, by the sounds of things, they weren't). Confused

The paid bar wouldn't bother me personally as I am very 'meh' about alcohol.

Hintreppit · 23/07/2017 17:11

You can't ask for food and cash- asking for cash alone is bad enough never mind asking guests to cater for your event too. Embarrassing.

SheSaidHeSaid · 23/07/2017 17:11

I think it's really odd to ask guests to bring a dish to a wedding.

If it were me, I'd hire a village hall and decorate it myself, then use the spare cash on organising food for guests?

gabsdot · 23/07/2017 17:13

This is extremely cheeky and a bit risky too. What if only half the guests brought something and the food ran out? What if everyone brought egg sandwiches?
Cough up for good grub at weddings is what I say

BackforGood · 23/07/2017 17:14

YANBU - it's the combination of things.

I've been to a couple of parties where we were asked to bring a dish for the table in stead of a present - but the venues were village hall type things and we could all BYOB too so a lovely cheap evening for all the guests and the hosts only paid out for plates / cups / some ice / some soft drinks / disposable cutlery and probably £100 for a hall. However, most people were local and these were evening (birthday) parties. All good.

All other weddings I've been to, I've been provided with food and there is a pay for your own drinks bar, after the wine on the table and something for the toasts. Again, all fine

Spending thousands on a venue and not providing anything for guests is just odd.
Asking guests to bring the food and asking for cash / presents is beyond rude.
However, if all guests were bringing something, wasn't there any co-ordination of "Can you bring something savoury / can you bring a salad / can you bring pasta / can you bring a sweet?" If everyone were bringing something I'd expect there to be MASSES of food as people (like you did) always over cater.

onceandneveragain · 23/07/2017 17:16

Yanbu about the cheek by b&g of expecting you to bring food and present on top of all other expenditure, or to be annoyed at the lack of money and planning spent by them in coordinating reception.

However yabu to be equally upset at the other guests who bought pasta etc - if everyone had bought fancy sweets like you there would have been no 'proper' food and everyone would have been starving! Plus as other posters have pointed out there are limits in what type of food people are able to cook and are practical to travel and make several hours in advance.

B&g should have expected this and if they were really committed to the "bring food" idea should have said x of you bring pasta, salad, crisps etc, x if you bring desserts, x bring alcohol and soft drinks and we'll spent a few quid on some more complex/hot dishes, still saving them money and ensuring food is varied, edible and hygienic!