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AIBU?

Dead BM's friends posting pics of my SS on Facebook

86 replies

beautiebyqueenie · 23/07/2017 13:58

Hi πŸ‘‹πŸ½
I really need some advice! Yesterday my SS went to a party (he is 6 years old) and one of the other mothers there was an old friend of his dead BMs. She has always been very disrespectful of me (snide comments to other people) being SS's stepmother but yesterday she took a picture of my SS and posted it onto dead BMs Facebook wall with some snide remarks about the situation. I am so angry and upset, as this is something in years to come my SS will be able to see and she did not seek out permission from BF (or me) to take the photo and post it online. I don't like confrontation but feel it is my duty to ask her to remove it to protect my SS as she brought quite a lot of emotion into the post. I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Valderal · 23/07/2017 14:39

I actually agree that having a picture of her son on the Facebook page is potentially a nice thing.

Obviously mum isn't able to do this herself and perhaps it's nice for extended family to see an updated picture of grandson, nephew, cousin etc

It's the snide remark I wouldn't be happy with.

Booboobooboo84 · 23/07/2017 14:39

As a child my step mum stepped up and became my mother after my birth mother couldn't and wouldn't. I cal her mum and she is my mother. And I call my birth mother my birth mother.

Those villyfying the op for stepping up and protecting a child that isn't hers as if he is should be ashamed of themselves.

It's important the child knows theirs a difference between the two of them but also that he is truely loved.

Report the post on Facebook and they will take it down and good on you OP, thank you for ensuring a young boy doesn't grow up without a mother

Purplemac · 23/07/2017 14:39

You lot have kind of lost the plot here because op used the word birth mum - which is commonly used in cases of adoption anyway regardless of the backround.

Commonly used in adoption cases because the adoptive parents are the mum and dad - birth mum and birth dad are NOT. They are just the people who created a child and are no longer parents. Which is why it is disrespectful to call this particular child's mum his "birth mother" because it implies that that is all she is, not his real mum.

People aren't jumping on the OP just because she used the wrong word, they are jumping because she used it a few times which implies it is normal for her - and that is very harmful for her stepson to hear.

For what it's worth, despite the use of "birth mum", the OP sounds like she cares a hell of a lot about her stepson and he is lucky to have her in his life. Which is why it would be a huge shame if he got fucked up because of her use of "birth mum" when talking about his deceased mother.

mrsRosaPimento · 23/07/2017 14:40

Birth mother/egg doner/surrogate aren't the same as a mother who died. Poor boy.

AndNowItIsSeven · 23/07/2017 14:42

Booboo your circumstances are very different your mum wasn't the mum that she should have been to you. The op sds's mum is dead.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/07/2017 14:45

Shes not his birth mum. She's his mum. I would find the disrespectful, especially in the circumstances.

Also you're not the step mum OP. Not yet at least. Leave it to the birth father to sort out.

beautiebyqueenie · 23/07/2017 14:46

I would like to apologise for using the term "BM" for my SS's DM. NO offence was meant, I just didn't know any better and from skimming through various posts on Mumsnet thought that was the correct term to differentiate. This does not apply to those who have been undeservingly nasty in their words.

OP posts:
MandateMandy · 23/07/2017 14:46

purplemac op has also stated that she only talks positively to the child about his mum. I doubt she calls her his birth mum to his face.

I find it so sad that people are posting that it is none of her business. She is living with and bringing up the child- of course it's her business.

Twoweekcruise · 23/07/2017 14:47

None of us know the full situation here and several people are being very sharp with op for no reason. We do not know the full back story here. My niece and nephew's birth mother is and always will be off her head on drugs and will never deserve the title of mother, she is a birth mother and nothing else. I just wish they had grown up with a lovely caring step mum like the op.

ElspethFlashman · 23/07/2017 14:48

But what did she actually say on FB that was so bad?

beautiebyqueenie · 23/07/2017 14:48

Of course I don't say birth mum to my SS. She is referred to as his mother. And he understands that I am his stepmother and his DM is his mother. People are too quick to assume.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/07/2017 14:48

OP, if I remember rightly, he's only lived with you for about a year, hasn't he? I can't be bothered to dig around looking for your post/thread but it was a fairly recent one.

And his dad immediately put you in charge of him at home? Telling him he has 2 mummies - you and 'mummy in the sky'?

That's nice if it suits all of you, but his dad is still his parent. He doesn't get to move a woman into his child's life and let her immediately take over.

He needs to contact FB as this child's parent and have the photo removed, if he's not happy with it being on there.

I'm sorry but I can't imagine why you thought this woman might ask your permission to post it, rather than his dad's?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/07/2017 14:49

If you feel you need to 'label' her you could refer to her as his 'late mother' or 'LM'. Much more respectful.

I wonder why this friend is so resentful of you? Did you come on the scene relatively soon after the LM's death? Or were the parents divorced before her death?

I lost a very dear cousin (grew up in a very close family and lived across the street from each other as young adults) who left a toddler and a newborn. Her DH met and married his second wife within 9 months. You bet there was resentment on some of our parts! But she was a lovely woman and we also understood his desire for someone to help him raise the children. She was very kind to us, was loving and respectful towards our cousin's memory as the children's mother and understanding of our feelings. We, in turn, tried hard to work past our feelings that it was 'too soon'. We all got there in the end.

I think your DP (DH?) needs to speak to this 'friend' and tell her to knock it off. But also think that you need to deal with this in dignified silence.

Is there a reason DP/DH can't go in and delete that posting?

ljny · 23/07/2017 14:50

For fucks sake get a grip folks. By the sounds of it op is bringing up a little boy who's mother has died. She is one of his primary carers and as such has every right to be angry that someone has taken picture of her stepson and posted it on fb.

Do you know what if I die all I care about is that there is someone there to cuddle my child when they are sad and to do the things i would have done. I don't give a shit if they call themselves their mum or the queen of fucking sheba.

This.^

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/07/2017 14:50

It's refreshing when an OP takes comments on board and apologises. That sounds patronising but it's not my intent.

You clearly care. Your ss is lucky to have you.

WomblingThree · 23/07/2017 14:52

Bloody hell some of you are unpleasant. If the OP is bringing this child up, after the death of his biological mother, she is his mum. Would you tell an adopted child their mum wasn't their mum? It doesn't matter whether the OP and her partner are married or not FFS, if they are in a permanent relationship. It's not the 1900s.

People are always happy to call an absent, useless father a sperm donor. Using BM in this context is the same surely. Death doesn't convey sainthood. For all you know, she may have just been the child's "egg donor". Would you all prefer that term?

VladmirsPoutine · 23/07/2017 14:54

beautiebyqueenie No need to apologise. You sound a very reasonable person going from your posts on this thread. She gave birth to him and you are raising him. I personally could not and would not do that. But that's not the issue.

PoppyJ1 · 23/07/2017 14:56

Wow an incredible amount of really nasty judgement on here for someone who's in a horrid situation.

I'd also stick with mother not BM as I agree that's an adoption term. But for you to call yourself a step mum, that IS actually pretty common and not "revering" oneself inappropriately. What other word do we use to describe out relationship to our long term partners' children? Or do we all secretly look down on unmarried women and assume children actually care about the marriage certificate?

This old friend of the mother sounds tacky and nasty; you don't bitch on memorial pages. I would refer it to your father to deal with but you could also confront her yourself if you feel it is safe to do so. I certainly would.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/07/2017 14:56

Wombling that's incorrect.

An adoptive mum is legally the mum. The OP may indeed love the child dearly but she is not his mum.

And an egg donor is not a biological mother. The woman who gives birth is in fact the biological mother. The other is the genetic mother.

Purplemac · 23/07/2017 14:56

purplemac op has also stated that she only talks positively to the child about his mum. I doubt she calls her his birth mum to his face.

Without the OP clarifying, you and I made different assumptions. As far as I'm aware OP could be telling her DSS "your birth mother was such a lovely person" and therefore says she only talks positively about her.

Now the OP has clarified that she doesn't refer to her as his birth mum around him (and hopefully not around others) it is not a concern. And like I said, she sounds like a great stepmum who cares a lot about her stepson, it's not like I have been slagging OP off - just trying to get her to see how it is offensive (because she said in her second or first post that she didn't think it was offensive at all).

elfies · 23/07/2017 14:57

beautiebyqueenie ,you sound a lovely caring stepmum.
Hugs for you and the bairn ,and lots of luck with the future.

PoppyJ1 · 23/07/2017 14:57

Partner not father! My auto correct is exceptional today!

ilovesushi · 23/07/2017 14:58

Why are people being so judgemental of the OP? We don't don't know the family history. There is such a term as birth mother. She didn't make it up and she may or may not be using it appropriately. We don't know.

ginnystonic · 23/07/2017 15:04

Wow, people completely missing the point of the thread by jumping in and criticising OP's terminology!

OP I would also be upset if someone posted a picture of my child or stepchild on FB, especially on a deceased page, which should be posted on with extreme care and tactfulness.

This woman and her opinion are not important to you, just let her judgement go. She doesn't know you or your relationship with you DS. She is being swayed by the loss of her friend and perhaps has her own issues causing her to be harsh on you.

How does your DP feel about the FB post? he could request the post be removed (as he is the father) and perhaps ask this woman not to post photos of his DS on social media (I'm guessing she is the type to kick off though, and it might not be worth the hassle)

In the meantime, you just concentrate on your little family and keeping your DSS feeling loved and happy and ignore the haters (on here and in RL too!)

Aquathest · 23/07/2017 15:05

OP - I think it's lovely that you are helping to raise your DP DS and obviously care so much about him - I don't like your use of birth mother for reasons already stated by PPs but you've apologised and there is no point harping on about that anymore.

However, I do think it is still your DPs place (and not yours) to tackle to the situation you have described as legally you are not actually his SM and do not have PR.

Have you told him about the FB post?

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