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AIBU?

Dead BM's friends posting pics of my SS on Facebook

86 replies

beautiebyqueenie · 23/07/2017 13:58

Hi πŸ‘‹πŸ½
I really need some advice! Yesterday my SS went to a party (he is 6 years old) and one of the other mothers there was an old friend of his dead BMs. She has always been very disrespectful of me (snide comments to other people) being SS's stepmother but yesterday she took a picture of my SS and posted it onto dead BMs Facebook wall with some snide remarks about the situation. I am so angry and upset, as this is something in years to come my SS will be able to see and she did not seek out permission from BF (or me) to take the photo and post it online. I don't like confrontation but feel it is my duty to ask her to remove it to protect my SS as she brought quite a lot of emotion into the post. I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
AndNowItIsSeven · 23/07/2017 14:17

Stop saying birth mum she will always be his MOTHER. How dare you try and take her place.

KoalaDownUnder · 23/07/2017 14:18
  1. 'Birth mother' is only used for surrogacy situations. She's his mother, alive or dead.


2. His father is his father, not his 'birth father'.

3. Facebook drama is childish

4. Don't get involved; that's his father'a prerogative.
MrsPorth · 23/07/2017 14:19

"Birth mother" is usually used for adoptees' biological mothers and implies no legal or ongoing emotional bond. Your use of it could seem insulting - maybe the friend feels that you don't show due respect. She was his mum, straightforwardly.

That said, playing it out on social media is unnecessary and could upset your stepson, as you say. Your husband should give her a call.

KoalaDownUnder · 23/07/2017 14:20

Depending on what she said & what she's doing, I'd consider getting a lawyer to send her a sternly worded letter.

Yes, you should definitely log it with the police, too.

beautiebyqueenie · 23/07/2017 14:21

Wow, some nasty comments! Please do not assume more than I have posted openly. Things like assuming I am trying to "take her place" are just silly. He is old enough to understand he has his "DM" and me his "SM". (Thanks for the update on acronyms though, my mistake).

OP posts:
beelover · 23/07/2017 14:22

The Facebook page can be changed to a deceased status so previous posts can still be seen but nothing further added to it by anyone.This would stop this situation happening again.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/07/2017 14:24

Yep, just get the page closed off. No need for lawyers Shock

beautiebyqueenie · 23/07/2017 14:25

The page is a deceased page, however people can still post.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 23/07/2017 14:25

My mother died when I was tiny and my stepmum has raised me since a toddler. I see my stepmum as my Mum, that is what I call her and I love her to bits. But I would be utterly enraged if she, or anyone else, referred to my mother as 'birth mum'. She wasn't a surrogate, she didn't relinquish me and it would be so disrespectful to her memory. So unless either of those situations apply (surrogacy or adoption) please just stop it.

WorraLiberty · 23/07/2017 14:25

What is his actual Dad doing about it?

VladmirsPoutine · 23/07/2017 14:26

OP, beware that on MN step parents are equal to MILs - essentially satan personified. You can't be both a good person and stepmother, nor can you be a good person and a MIL.

Yanbu and she shouldn't be posting pictures of a 6yo boy on his dead mother's fb page.

Redglitter · 23/07/2017 14:27

Calling her his Birth Mother is rude and disrespectful. Regardless of your role in his life she was is and always will be his Mum

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/07/2017 14:27

Some of you really need to draw your nasty claws in.

The OP is bringing up her DP's child with him, of course it's her business.

It sounds like it was a less than optimal situation from the beginning & if his mother wasn't a good Mum to him when she was alive, I'd call her his BM too.

The OP is protective of him & trying to give him a loving family & stability & all you lot want to do is bitch at her?! Seriously?! It's disgraceful.

Purplemac · 23/07/2017 14:28

Nothing wrong with you being a motherly figure to him. Nothing wrong with him deciding in time to call you mum. Nothing wrong with you loving him as if he were your son.

There is a LOT wrong with calling his mum his "birth mother" though. It's diminishing her role in his life to someone who just gave birth to him.

Foslady · 23/07/2017 14:28

If the comments are that derogatory surely the only one to look bad will be her? Don't feed her drama

Purplemac · 23/07/2017 14:29

OP, beware that on MN step parents are equal to MILs - essentially satan personified. You can't be both a good person and stepmother, nor can you be a good person and a MIL.

There are plenty of stepmums on MN who would get riled up about this - I'm one of them. I would never refer to my DSDs mum as her "birth mum".

user1495025590 · 23/07/2017 14:30

I tgink posting pictures of a son on his mothers page (when she is clearly not able to herself) by her close friend, is just fine.
But you have not divulged the 'snide' comment so how are we supposed to know whether YABU

MandateMandy · 23/07/2017 14:32

For fucks sake get a grip folks. By the sounds of it op is bringing up a little boy who's mother has died. She is one of his primary carers and as such has every right to be angry that someone has taken picture of her stepson and posted it on fb.

Do you know what if I die all I care about is that there is someone there to cuddle my child when they are sad and to do the things i would have done. I don't give a shit if they call themselves their mum or the queen of fucking sheba.

You lot have kind of lost the plot here because op used the word birth mum - which is commonly used in cases of adoption anyway regardless of the backround.

Op i don't know much about the situation because you didn't answer the questions but if you plan on being in this man and child's lives for ever i would be asking my partner about parental rights etc. If you are to all intents and purposes parenting this child you need the rights and responsibilities to back it up.

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 23/07/2017 14:32

Koala. There's absolutely no need for that. This isn't the only thing this woman has done & doing what she has done is nasty & not something this child needs to read when he's older. If this woman is continually bad mouthing the OP then she has every right to get a lawyer to tell her to stop it.

IHateUncleJamie · 23/07/2017 14:33

Either you, or maybe your DH, can contact Facebook and get the photo removed, OP. As long as the child is under 13, nobody can post a photo of him without permission. Not sure whether you can do it and tell FB you're his StepMum, or whether your DH needs to do it from his FB account. Either way, you can certainly get FB to remove the photo. πŸ‘

Gazelda · 23/07/2017 14:34

stitchglitched are you me? I grew up in exactly the same situation. The mother who gave birth to me will always be my DM, and I'd be apoplectic with rage and bitterly upset if anyone referred to her as my Birth Mother.

But OP, I get that you're hurt by the friend's FB post. Without knowing what was said, it's difficult to know if your hurt is justified or whether you are being over sensitive and making this about you rather than your SS or his DM. How does your DP/DH feel about it? I think it probably best if you ask him to have a gentle word with the friend and explain how it has made you feel, and that whatever the motive it doesn't do his DS any favours.

It sounds as though you are giving the boy a lovely upbringing. Continue to include his DM in his life, he will thank you for it.

helenjo32 · 23/07/2017 14:34

I've never posted before but your use of the term birth mother is totally disrespectful. You disagreed, people explained why and yet you keep using it. My sympathy for your situation went out the window then.

user1495025590 · 23/07/2017 14:34

feel it is my duty to ask her to remove it to protect my SS

not your duty.He is not your SS - you are not even married to his father. You do not have PR so keep your beak out, and stop calling his mum his 'birth mother' how fucking offensive to this boy and to his mother's memory.

stolemyusername · 23/07/2017 14:35

I'm going to look past the whole BM/SM thing as it's not actually relevant to the question you asked.

I think that your partner/husband should ask for the photo to be removed firstly by the friend, and if no success there he should follow the FB procedure to remove photos of children that have not been allowed by their parent.

If you don't have PR for your SS but are playing an active role in his upbringing and are expecting that your relationship will last, then I think it's possibly time to look at getting it appointed.

Miserylovescompany2 · 23/07/2017 14:36

Whatever the back story, its your business, OP! Don't get drawn into other people's drama/chaos...

If you make a HUGE song and dance the chances are this person will up her game. Let her get on with it. Don't give her the reaction she craves.

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