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AIBU?

AIBU to be hurt/annoyed

32 replies

helpme12335 · 23/07/2017 13:19

I have a 8 month old daughter. My sister has a daughter who is coming up 8 and was the only grand child for many years.

When I found out I was pregnant my mum offered to have my daughter a couple of days a week when I returned to Dave coats on childcare. As my return to work drew nearer she said that she wasn't able to guarantee what shifts she'd be working (she's a nurse) and therefore is unable to look after dd. No problem; I've booked her in to a child minders.

Anyway as this years progressed my mum has proceeded to have other grandchild time after time, often picking her up from school (she's lives 45 minutes drive away) having her stay for the night and then taking her back to school the following day so my sister doesn't have to pay for childcare. She manages to secure shifts around my sisters need for child care.

The situation came to a head this weekend, and i said you've never had my daughter to stay or offer to babysit yet you have sisters child upto 3 nights a week. My sister replied 'her daughter will always be a priority to my mum and come before my daughter, she's knows that, I know that and if I don't like it get over it'. I just can't believe she would say that and that my mum isn't annoyed with her for saying that or trying to deny that that is true.

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ZanyMobster · 23/07/2017 13:27

Many will come on here and say YABU as you're not entitled to any help but I would be so hurt if my parents did this. They have helped both me and DBS with our DCs, often having all 3 together. Only time they prioritise is if they have had set days with them or if one of us had asked first.

You need to speak to your mum away from your sister otherwise this could cause massive resentment between you all which is understandable but I am sure you wouldn't really want that.

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AfunaMbatata · 23/07/2017 13:32

Is loads easier to look after an 8 year old, she's probably tired from her work and the kid is easy.

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Justhadmyhaircut · 23/07/2017 13:32

Although I agree nobody is entitled to 'help' from anyone - your dm should want to spend time with all her gc, and to support you in your ability to work and provide for your family. . And to make your life easier as you are still her dc after all!!
Never understood the fair weather gps idea. . Or the you are an adult, your dc your problem brigade.
I have my gs 2 days a week to enable my dil to work and support her. And also to enjoy spending time with him!!

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Babbitywabbit · 23/07/2017 13:38

Your sister sounds like a right bitch for saying that.

IMO this is one of the problems with family providing freebie childcare - it can lead to all sorts of tensions and rarely seems to work out equitably for everyone in the family. Yours is at the extreme end though.

Sounds like all you can do is make it clear to your mum that while you're quite happy to accept that she doesn't want to be an unpaid child minder, it feels unfair that this is what she does for your sister.

Ultimately, remember that being the favoured child or grandchild doesn't necessarily come without strings attached. My sister has a child who is the 'favoured' one by my parents. opposite way round to your situation age-wise; my kids and my sisters first two kids are all grown up, but then she decided to go for a late baby who is of course much younger than all the other grandkids. Although she's fundamentally a sweet girl, she's been Terribly indulged and babied and at 11 years old she's far less mature and independent than most kids her age.

So Its very means and unfair of your mum and sister, but in many ways you're showing your dd a better example by standing on your own two feet

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Beelzebop · 23/07/2017 13:47

Could you sit down with your mum and have a chat about how the situation feels to you? Being ultra chilled about it, hopefully.

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Alicia555 · 23/07/2017 13:52

I'd fuck your sister off op! What a cruel bitch for saying such a horrible thing. Whilst I agree that no one should expect their parents to look after their kids there's no excuse for nasty comments and behaviour favouring certain family members!

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ZippyCameBack · 23/07/2017 13:59

Not providing free childcare is fine. Making excuses to one and then providing free care for another isn't fine at all.
I get it, OP, I really do. My mother gave up her job to look after my sister's child so sister could work. When I told her I was expecting my first, the very first thing she said to me was that I needn't think she would ever be looking after it. And she hasn't, not even for an hour. That doesn't hurt me at all but the contrast between the two is wounding.

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helpme12335 · 23/07/2017 14:05

Thanks for the replies. To be honest the child care isn't really the issue for me. It's the fact that my sister can say and think that and that my mum thinks it's ok and even worse hasn't tried to deny it either.

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VladmirsPoutine · 23/07/2017 14:06

Your sister is awful for saying that. And yanbu to expect your mum to treat you both equally and fairly.

If it were me, I'd be very curt and polite with them and then get on with my life.

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Bluntness100 · 23/07/2017 14:08

Your sister is the issue here and not just because what she has said is clearly untrue. It's simoly looking after a young baby v an eight year old are two very very different things.

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rollonthesummer · 23/07/2017 14:08

I can't believe your sister said that!

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TheMysteriousJackelope · 23/07/2017 14:11

YANBU because blatant favoritism is hurtful and so is the open spite and callousness from your sister. I imagine if your mother had said 'I just can't deal with babies any more' you would have been fine with it.

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Babbitywabbit · 23/07/2017 14:12

Do you think maybe your mum got sucked in to doing a lot for your sister because her dd was the first grandchild and your mum was excited by the novelty? And now perhaps feels obliged to keep going with the pick ups and sleep overs? I do sometimes wonder how many grandparents end up being drawn into scenarios which end up putting limitations on them. Not that this makes it any fairer; I'm just wondering what her thought process is. Perhaps she feels it's easier to just not commit to doing things with your child, than it would be to stop doing things with the other grandchild?

I know with my parents they felt very carried away with the excitement of a 'bonus' grandchild (my sisters girl) and did loads more than they did with the earlier grandkids.

Not fair and not nice but I would try to mentally move on and don't waste head space on it

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McBounty · 23/07/2017 14:15

Your DM isn't BU, but your sister is.

What a horrible witch.

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Decaffstilltastesweird · 23/07/2017 14:21

Yanbu. This sucks and your sister sounds pretty unpleasant.

But, there'a very little you can do about it sadly. Feel free to have a vent on here though. People can behave like cunts sometimes and a vent helps!

Fwiw my ILs favour sil over my lovely DH. This includes doing regular childcare for her dcs and going to great inconvenience to do so. I can count on one hand the number of times they've watched DD for us. I'm over it and luckily DH doesn't seem to care. If it was my own mum or dad, I'd be hurt.

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LittleRedWagon1 · 23/07/2017 14:21

YANBU!

I agree with PP's that you are not entitled to childcare from family but it sounds like that is absolutely not an issue for you. The blatant favoritism is the issue and rightly so. Favoritism like this can and has ruined family relationships, it is so hurtful and unkind.
Your sister sounds horrendous!

I would try to stay out of their way and just concentrate on you and your nuclear family now.

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Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/07/2017 14:23

My dd was an only grandchild for 8 years too, my parents treat all the grandchildren the same but there is no denying there is a special bond between them and my dd, I would never say it, they wouldn't say it to my siblings either. Your sister should never have said that but your dm has had 7 years longer to love and bond with your niece so the relationship is going to be different for a while, until your dd is a little older and interacting more at least but it will even out. Also there is a huge difference between minding an 8 year old and an 8 month old too

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Jenna43 · 23/07/2017 14:26

Your sister sounds horrible. Has she always been like this? Your mum should have stepped in and said something to your sister. I'd be very hurt in your position.

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helpme12335 · 23/07/2017 14:34

My sister is quite frankly vile. We have never got on but openly rubbing my face in it say her daughter will always come before mine is a new low even for her.

I totally agree it is much easier to look after a 8 year old than 8 month old but my mum has had her daughter religiously atleast once a week to stay since she was weeks old.

I don't expect the same but it would be nice for maybe once a month her to offer to have my daughter or watch her for a few hours.

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kittybiscuits · 23/07/2017 14:40

Your sister clearly isn't 'the problem' as such, because your mum agrees with what she said. Did your mum always play favourites with you and your sister?

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IHateUncleJamie · 23/07/2017 14:40

YANBU to expect your DM to treat both her grandaughters equally. Your sister sounds like a real cow. I'd go low contact with both of them tbh, (assuming your Mum knows what your sister said and hasn't torn her off a strip?) ๐Ÿ’

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diddl · 23/07/2017 14:42

Could be that when your niece is a teen & maybe not interested in Granny then your mum will want to be transferring across to your daughter!

I wouldn't let her.

Her looking after your niece doesn't mean that she can't also spend time with your daughter does it?

Although at only 8 months the no overnights wouldn't bother me & the no babysitting maybe not too much-I don't think that she has to give that just because your sister gets/got it.

I'd be considering telling both mum & sister to piss off permanently though re the remark your sister said & your mum effectively condoning it.

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SpartacusSaiman · 23/07/2017 14:53

Thing is your mum is 8 years older that she was when your niece was a baby.

So while i can see why she wouldnt feel she wants to look after a baby now. Your mum should have really backed yiu when your sister said that. Both behaved awfully

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Dumdedumdum · 23/07/2017 14:56

Was your mum actually in the room with sister when she said all that?

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AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/07/2017 14:56

My sister replied 'her daughter will always be a priority to my mum and come before my daughter, she's knows that, I know that and if I don't like it get over it'. I just can't believe she would say that and that my mum isn't annoyed with her for saying that or trying to deny that that is true


I'm sorry they're both so bloody horrible.

I'd go no-contact if that's how they feel.

๐Ÿ’ Snuggle with your DD & remember who is the most important person in your life now.

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