AIBU to be hurt/annoyed

[helpme12335]

I have a 8 month old daughter. My sister has a daughter who is coming up 8 and was the only grand child for many years.

When I found out I was pregnant my mum offered to have my daughter a couple of days a week when I returned to Dave coats on childcare. As my return to work drew nearer she said that she wasn't able to guarantee what shifts she'd be working (she's a nurse) and therefore is unable to look after dd. No problem; I've booked her in to a child minders.

Anyway as this years progressed my mum has proceeded to have other grandchild time after time, often picking her up from school (she's lives 45 minutes drive away) having her stay for the night and then taking her back to school the following day so my sister doesn't have to pay for childcare. She manages to secure shifts around my sisters need for child care.

The situation came to a head this weekend, and i said you've never had my daughter to stay or offer to babysit yet you have sisters child upto 3 nights a week. My sister replied 'her daughter will always be a priority to my mum and come before my daughter, she's knows that, I know that and if I don't like it get over it'. I just can't believe she would say that and that my mum isn't annoyed with her for saying that or trying to deny that that is true.

[mumofthemonsters808]

IT is what it is, all the falling out, shouting from the rooftops, being upset is just wasted energy, your sister has summed up a family dynamic that will remain despite anyone's objections. If you accept it now, you'll save yourself years of turmoil. Focus upon your own little family and leave your Mam to it.

i say this, having experienced the exact situation whereby only the golden child got a look in and I could write pages and pages describing some of the stunts that were pulled. Even wHen the Grandparents died, their bank accounts showed peanuts left to other Grandchildren and thousands to golden child. One bedroom was a shrine to him, it contained fifty photographs hung on the wall, not a single picture of any other child.This obsessive love they had for him came at the expense of their relationships with other children in the family.Was it worth it, I bet my bottom dollar if they were still alive they'd say it was.

Don't be like me Op and try to change things, the odds were stacked against me, I was never going to win this battle and I suspect you won't either.Your Mam will reep what she sows, sadly Golden child failed to show at the hospital when whey were on their last legs, even on their death bed they were talking abut him though.

[ExcitingButScaryTimesAhead]

Yanbu. That was a terribly hurtful thing to say. Your Mother should have spoken up and told your Sister not to be so nasty.

[HashiAsLarry]

YANBU at all to be upset your DM didn't deny it. That's very horrible.

FWIW I have the eldest grandchild on both sides and I don't expect her to be anyone's priority other than mine and DHs. She's not even ours too, as we also have DS too.

[StillDrivingMeBonkers]

Depends on circumstance.

The way you've written your post, it reads that you and your sister are in the same place: both working, both with partners and so forth.

You seem stable and grounded and financially capable - but is your sister? Further, is your niece emotionally reliant on your mother? Has your mother been almost a surrogate mother to your niece? Does your sister need the extra layer of support your mother gives?

All that aside though, doesn't excuse what your sister said. Has the family always pandered to her?

[WomblingThree]

Your mother isn't going to deny it because it's true. It sucks and it hurts like a bitch, but unfortunately that's just the way it is. My MIL has a favourite child and openly admits it. It's not my DH! He's learned to accept it, and pulled way back from them. It's their loss at the end of the day because their golden child is a complete flake who doesn't give a shit about them.

Detach yourself from them and concentrate on your own little family. There's no need for dramatic "no contact", just don't bother making any effort beyond basic politeness.

[sykadelic]

You could always be a bitch right back:

"Haha no. It's because mum knows you can't handle having a kid so she has to help you to make sure X is brought up well and she has no such concerns about me or Y."

Doesn't help anything of course, but it would piss her off :P

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

My sister replied 'her daughter will always be a priority to my mum and come before my daughter, she's knows that, I know that and if I don't like it get over it'. I just can't believe she would say that and that my mum isn't annoyed with her for saying that or trying to deny that that is true


I'm sorry they're both so bloody horrible.

I'd go no-contact if that's how they feel.

💐 Snuggle with your DD & remember who is the most important person in your life now.

[Dumdedumdum]

Was your mum actually in the room with sister when she said all that?

[SpartacusSaiman]

Thing is your mum is 8 years older that she was when your niece was a baby.

So while i can see why she wouldnt feel she wants to look after a baby now. Your mum should have really backed yiu when your sister said that. Both behaved awfully

[diddl]

Could be that when your niece is a teen & maybe not interested in Granny then your mum will want to be transferring across to your daughter!

I wouldn't let her.

Her looking after your niece doesn't mean that she can't also spend time with your daughter does it?

Although at only 8 months the no overnights wouldn't bother me & the no babysitting maybe not too much-I don't think that she has to give that just because your sister gets/got it.

I'd be considering telling both mum & sister to piss off permanently though re the remark your sister said & your mum effectively condoning it.

[IHateUncleJamie]

YANBU to expect your DM to treat both her grandaughters equally. Your sister sounds like a real cow. I'd go low contact with both of them tbh, (assuming your Mum knows what your sister said and hasn't torn her off a strip?) 💐

[kittybiscuits]

Your sister clearly isn't 'the problem' as such, because your mum agrees with what she said. Did your mum always play favourites with you and your sister?

[helpme12335]

My sister is quite frankly vile. We have never got on but openly rubbing my face in it say her daughter will always come before mine is a new low even for her.

I totally agree it is much easier to look after a 8 year old than 8 month old but my mum has had her daughter religiously atleast once a week to stay since she was weeks old.

I don't expect the same but it would be nice for maybe once a month her to offer to have my daughter or watch her for a few hours.

[Jenna43]

Your sister sounds horrible. Has she always been like this? Your mum should have stepped in and said something to your sister. I'd be very hurt in your position.

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

My dd was an only grandchild for 8 years too, my parents treat all the grandchildren the same but there is no denying there is a special bond between them and my dd, I would never say it, they wouldn't say it to my siblings either. Your sister should never have said that but your dm has had 7 years longer to love and bond with your niece so the relationship is going to be different for a while, until your dd is a little older and interacting more at least but it will even out. Also there is a huge difference between minding an 8 year old and an 8 month old too

[LittleRedWagon1]

YANBU!

I agree with PP's that you are not entitled to childcare from family but it sounds like that is absolutely not an issue for you. The blatant favoritism is the issue and rightly so. Favoritism like this can and has ruined family relationships, it is so hurtful and unkind.
Your sister sounds horrendous!

I would try to stay out of their way and just concentrate on you and your nuclear family now.

[Decaffstilltastesweird]

Yanbu. This sucks and your sister sounds pretty unpleasant.

But, there'a very little you can do about it sadly. Feel free to have a vent on here though. People can behave like cunts sometimes and a vent helps!

Fwiw my ILs favour sil over my lovely DH. This includes doing regular childcare for her dcs and going to great inconvenience to do so. I can count on one hand the number of times they've watched DD for us. I'm over it and luckily DH doesn't seem to care. If it was my own mum or dad, I'd be hurt.

[McBounty]

Your DM isn't BU, but your sister is.

What a horrible witch.

[Babbitywabbit]

Do you think maybe your mum got sucked in to doing a lot for your sister because her dd was the first grandchild and your mum was excited by the novelty? And now perhaps feels obliged to keep going with the pick ups and sleep overs? I do sometimes wonder how many grandparents end up being drawn into scenarios which end up putting limitations on them. Not that this makes it any fairer; I'm just wondering what her thought process is. Perhaps she feels it's easier to just not commit to doing things with your child, than it would be to stop doing things with the other grandchild?

I know with my parents they felt very carried away with the excitement of a 'bonus' grandchild (my sisters girl) and did loads more than they did with the earlier grandkids.

Not fair and not nice but I would try to mentally move on and don't waste head space on it

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

YANBU because blatant favoritism is hurtful and so is the open spite and callousness from your sister. I imagine if your mother had said 'I just can't deal with babies any more' you would have been fine with it.

[rollonthesummer]

I can't believe your sister said that!

[Bluntness100]

Your sister is the issue here and not just because what she has said is clearly untrue. It's simoly looking after a young baby v an eight year old are two very very different things.

[VladmirsPoutine]

Your sister is awful for saying that. And yanbu to expect your mum to treat you both equally and fairly.

If it were me, I'd be very curt and polite with them and then get on with my life.

[helpme12335]

Thanks for the replies. To be honest the child care isn't really the issue for me. It's the fact that my sister can say and think that and that my mum thinks it's ok and even worse hasn't tried to deny it either.