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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say ffs she is autistic!

70 replies

BrightonBelleCat · 23/07/2017 00:39

I spent an evening tonight with dp's parents. Dp isn't the dad of dd who is asd.

We came home and dp said 'my mum tried to talk to dd tonight and dd ignored her'.

I said 'right well you know the situation she sometimes doesn't like speaking to others'

He said well it's a bit rude isn't it.

What the hell do I do? Right now we are in separate rooms and I've been accused of having double standards.

I'm pretty fucked off.

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 23/07/2017 00:42

How long are you with him?

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 23/07/2017 00:42

3.5 years!

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 23/07/2017 00:42

Honestly? My DH is DSDad to my DS who is on the spectrum. I don't see how our relationship or family could possibly work if he didn't "get it".

How long have you been together?

SerfTerf · 23/07/2017 00:43

Ouch. Long enough.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 23/07/2017 00:45

His parents don't get it. If you don't have some physical affliction that they can't see they don't get it.

And neither apparently does he. And I'm fucking gutted.

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 23/07/2017 00:49
Flowers

Is he usually better at it than this? Worse tonight because it was his parents involved?

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 23/07/2017 00:53

I thought he was. Usually he is great but I can imagine his mum ' well I made an effort with dd and she ignored me'.

I'm so upset. I don't want to be dramatic over it but I thought he was on my side.

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 23/07/2017 00:57

On the one hand, he's right: it IS rude to ignore people by society's expected standards.
What he and his family need to understand is that those standards don't apply in your dd's world, and that if he/they can't understand that then they need to either get some empathy, fast, or go away.

SerfTerf · 23/07/2017 00:58

Adults can go very odd around their parents in a regressed, compliant kind of way.

Don't try and discuss it tonight if it's going to lead to a row.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/07/2017 01:05

Oh god that's tough. Is he normally supportive/understanding/gets it? Is it that he has a difficult/people pleasing relationship with his parents?

If there's no reason for it then I'd be thinking hard about the relationship, sorry OP. my ds has ASD and while DH can be hard on ds ( in that he challenges and pushes him in an attempt to develop his skills, sometimes a bit much IMO) he would I think destroy anyone else who criticised him, iyswim.

ExplodedCloud · 23/07/2017 01:12

Yes it is a test of where his loyalties lie. His DSD and her way of being or his parents and their expectations.
If he makes that clear and his parents' expectations are paramount then sadly he isn't the partner you hoped he was.
Our dc with ASD have precious few advocates. They don't need to live with anyone who isn't in their corner.

DIYandEatCake · 23/07/2017 01:28

Maybe it would help to have a chat with your dp's parents and explain what your daughter has difficulty with - if she looks 'normal' they might be finding it hard to understand if they don't know much about autism. Suggest some ways that they can bond with her - does she like anything like crafts that can be done together without lots of chat, would she like to be given a job helping prepare dinner, etc? your dp is right in a way that ignoring someone is rude - but you can reassure him that your daughter's learned social skills will improve as she gets older and you need his help to - supportively and gently - teach her skills for responding to people who ask her loads of questions.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2017 02:26

Could someone else explain it? When I worked for SS I found that me explaining worked when no one in the family could get anyone to understand.

DisorderedAllsorts · 23/07/2017 05:26

Has your dp been to any workshops for families of people on the ASC spectrum? It might be worth taking him to one because if he doesn't understand now it will make life very difficult later.

The girl with the curly hair project is specifically for women & girls with ASC. They publish comic books explaining different scenarios & hold training workshops.

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk

www.autism.org.uk/about/communication.aspx

Cailleach666 · 23/07/2017 05:57

Would be an easy one for me OP.

No man comes higher in my priorities than my children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/07/2017 05:59

Not being able to understand about autism and invisible disabilities is very common sadly.

lifeinthecountry · 23/07/2017 06:41

So sorry you're going through this OP. Sadly I don't think explaining more clearly to them will necessarily address the problem. One of my now adult DC is on the spectrum and my exIL were like this with him all the way through my nearly 20 yr marriage (even though exMIL was a counsellor working in a college, so surrounded by young people with all kinds of challenges and understood ASD on an intellectual level). Some people really just don't get it, even when they do, iyswim.

ProudAS · 23/07/2017 07:03

I've got Aspergers and my mum accepts the diagnosis but still doesn't "get it".

I'm glad for your DD that you do get it.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 23/07/2017 07:16

^rude to ignore people by society's expected standards.
What he and his family need to understand is that those standards don't apply in your dd's world^

Agree with this. OP I really really sympathise. My DS has HFA. I've had everything from he's ignorant/he's just naughty/he's 'too full on'. (Depended what mood you caught him in).

The people that were the worst for these kind of assumptions were people like my Mum Shock and a church I don't go to anymore.

You need to sit your DH down and tell him he needs to explain to his parents she is NOT being rude and maybe doing more research themselves on autism.

SpeckledyHen · 23/07/2017 07:17

How can people not 'get it' ?!

Would they expect a blind person to ' see' them or a deaf person to 'hear' them ??? FFS this makes my blood boil .

Penhacked · 23/07/2017 07:18

I agree with SerfTerf.

Heatherjayne1972 · 23/07/2017 07:20

Sorry op. That's rubbish behaviour from your dp.

My nephew is autistic - doesn't talk and is in his own world

I agree It's astonishing how many people just don't 'get it '
Or ( in the case of my ex) think the child is choosing to act like that and therefore it can be 'beaten out of them'. Horrific attitude
You have my sympathy

I think if it was me I'd lay it down in no uncertain terms to my dp and again to the in laws - this child has special needs and normal social rules don't apply

CalmItKermitt · 23/07/2017 07:22

Your DD doesn't need people like this in her life.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 23/07/2017 07:22

Well we slept in separate rooms last night. I'm still upset with him. I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 23/07/2017 07:26

Living in a world with a hidden disability is hard enough - being judged on something you have great difficultly with (social interaction) isn't good.

Flip this - they were VERY rude for not understanding. They were VERY rude for passing comment on an issue they hadn't bothered to get themselves clued up on. Which makes then not only rude but ignorant!

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