To say ffs she is autistic!

[BrightonBelleCat]

I spent an evening tonight with dp's parents. Dp isn't the dad of dd who is asd.

We came home and dp said 'my mum tried to talk to dd tonight and dd ignored her'.

I said 'right well you know the situation she sometimes doesn't like speaking to others'

He said well it's a bit rude isn't it.

What the hell do I do? Right now we are in separate rooms and I've been accused of having double standards.

I'm pretty fucked off.

I am ASD myself and if you appear very able in 'communication', look the same appear to have no physical disabilities and learn 'coping' skills . People are totally unaware of the torment those with ASD go through everyday. The truth is even family members will never fully understand!
They are likely to make such comments as, well he/she looked me in the face yesterday talked to me and today she is ignoring me being rude !

People don't understand that every day is different and requires coping strategies that differ from day to day . Your DD possibly could not interact with your DPs family on the day due to 'overload'. The only way of coping in a highly stressful situation is for her to completely blank everybody out including you !

I don't understand the double standards bit of your post OP , what does your DP mean by that ?

Frumpety because I pull the other dc up on their manners. He says basically it's one rule for one.

I guess if she can react sociably it looks like she's choosing not to in this situation. And that if you correct your other child's manners it looks like you are choosing to ignore it. So it is frustrating to observe as well as obviously frustrating for you!
Take DD and MIL out together for coffee and cake (DD with an iPad for distraction but also primed with photos to show off, you can talk about them) so they get to bond a bit? Or walk a dog or geocache or something? So that they get to know each other away from the pressure of a social occasion?

Both my adult children are on the spectrum. Some days dd just feels overwhelmed and wants to hide away a bit. Other days she's a social butterfly. I see it like if she had a physical disability and pushed herself too far one day, she might not be able to do that again without taking an appropriate amount of rest - same for social situations for dd. Sometimes she just needs a rest from it all.

There are autistic children and autistic children. No two are alike. As the parent of an autistic child I get frustrated when bad behaviour is justified with "because autism".

It can be very difficult for autistic children. All the more reason, therefore, for their parents to make sure they know when they have inadvertently (or deliberately) been impolite. They may not "get" social norms; they may need to have them explained to them. My autistic DC needs understanding but also clear rules and an explanation for them. Striking the right balance can be very hard. Just the same, if my DC deliberately ignored a person I would say it wasn't OK and would ask why it happened.

I actually think in some cases and at times when we have turned off because if we didn't we would 'meltdown' we (ASD) people don't actually see people that might be standing next to you or engaged in conversation.

I don't think we are actually being 'rude' just trying to blank out what can be distressing and uncomfortable times !

Other times we can be fine with the whole process of meeting talking and interacting in a 'neurotypical' way. This means because we appear 'normal' on a good day , people expect us to interact the same way every time.

As the parent of an autistic child I get frustrated when bad behaviour is justified with "because autism".
Bear in mind though that behaviour is classed as good or bad according to NT social norms and not to autistic social norms. It doesn't take into account the fact that we might struggle with certain situations at certain times, or that what NT's consider appropriate seems highly illogical and downright inappropriate to those of us who are autistic. For example, why should I be expected to make polite conversation with strangers if I'm not in the mood? But in many situations I am. No-one sees it from our point of view and says "actually we should be free to choose". I'm not saying that autism is an excuse for doing whatever we want but it seems damn unfair that we have to meet NT expectations and never the other way around.

Ds can be very sociable with someone and at other times can't cope with that someone near him. If that person persists in pushing it, it results in a meltdown and people getting hurt.
Some 'behaviour' is because of that particular person's autism.

I didn't see it so can't say for sure what happened but mil apparently asked her a question and she ignored her completely, put her head down and moved away.

If i am there, I just say things like 'she isn't feeling talkative today but dd it's nice to answer x's question.'

I'm probably making some huge fuck up by doing that. I don't know what to do half
The time.

I have aspergers and DS1 is being assessed, if he has been inadvertently rude I will speak to him about it, but I also understand he can't always help it. I struggle in certain situations and then shut down.

My parents don't understand autism at all and I'm constantly being told it's not a disability by them and they have told him the same! It's so frustrating!

Does she respond to things like social stories? Perhaps that would be useful to at least give her a "get out phrase" she can use when things get too much?

You still haven't aid how old she is Brighton. I don't think you're making some huge fuck up, but probably you, and DP, could (easy to say in hindsight) handled it slightly differently.
If you knew she was having a bad day, then hover a bit more so she's not out in such a situation, especially if she's with people she's not used to.

Give her a get out sentence, even if it's "i need to ask mum".

Explain before she goes, we're going to visit X, ignoring is rude, you need to join in small talk for 10 minutes and then can read/do whatever.

I model answers too. So if the question was what did you do last week, then I would prompt, as you did, that it's nice to answer, you could tell her about your club/friend.

But it's all dependent on your Dd age, family dynamics etc and you know that best so it's hard to give advice, I explain to mine that people find that rude and don't like it and try to give ideas how to deal with it. I don't tell off, as I'm aware it's not deliberate rudeness, but neither do I let it slide. It's hard. It's a learning curve judging what the right thing to do at that particular time is. What was your DP doing to help her?

Frumpety because I pull the other dc up on their manners. He says basically it's one rule for one

I actually agree with your DP; both my DS were treated the same with regards to being pulled up on manners (DS1 NT, DS2 ASD & LD) even if it had no impact for DS2 as we felt as parents that yes, whilst DS2 sees the world, sees social norms etc differently it was important that we as parents were consistent in our approach as a family.

I'm not saying it's worked/helped DS2 (other than as we have been consistent it's become part of his routine) but we feel that it has helped DS1, especially during the teenage years!

My ds has asd. I think I know what you mean by ignoring and I'm sure it's more that she's asked a question she can't answer and then can't explain why she can't answer?

That does look rude. Imo what you do are parents at this point can make the difference to how people view the child. I tend to try and engage ds by asking him the same question in a way he understands or saying "why don't you tell x about ....." (..... being related to the question asked)

I'm pretty sure you haven't gone through 3.5 years of him having a bad attitude - I suspect this is more 1 incident where you've disagreed and you've gone into defence of your DD. (That's pretty standard in any relationship!)

It's probably time for a good chat about the future expectations from DD because the reality is that as children with asd grow older people are more judgmental of lack of engagement because they expect more with age. You can find and agree ways to deal with it and support DD.

Sorry I thought I had said. She is 12. I always give her the 'talk' beforehand however she was thrown out of her comfort zone a bit as we went for a BBQ I thought it would just be us. It wasn't there other people popping in and out.

I said to dp you should have told me so I could have spoken to her but he said he didn't know.

So that started off on a backwards foot and when I took the younger ones to get their food the mil spoke to her then.

When we got home he told me I had double standards as I was already feeling pretty pissed off at him. I do pull her up but doing so in front of his dm would have started something and I didn't want It to turn into another spectacle.

Exactly, Brighton. Sometimes you have to choose your moments. You sound like you're doing a fantastic job and are really sensitive to your dd's needs. Had you have been able to prepare your dd for there being other people at the barbecue then it would have been different, probably.

The other people popping in and out totally changes the context to this. If my ten year old is ignoring people because he's stressed, sometimes I say to them he is feeling overwhelmed, but I have a chat with him and say it's rude to ignore people who are talking to us. The world is harsh for autistic people and they do need tools to navigate through it - disclaimer in that this is my child with ASD not others who may be different.

However, a surprise bbq is a totally different kettle of fish. Unpredictable, busy, possibly loud with annoying sounds and having to be 'normal', I'd totally let her off in this situation.

What does he expect with a surprise barbecue thrown? More people than anticipated, more noise, different smells, a fear of people she perhaps doesn't know as well approaching her.

Get him to stand in the bathroom. Turn the shower on. Start the bath running. Spray some perfume. Put some shampoo in the bath, a different bubble bath in the sink. Turn the light on. Add another light. Put a radio on in one corner, put another radio on a different station in another corner. Then try and have a conversation with him. When he gets agitated, tell him dd's life is like that all the damned time!

Well that totally changes it, that's a bit different to just visiting the IL's. I wouldn't take DS to something like that in the first place. I would have made an excuse not to go. But if faced with it, I would be keeping a hawk-eye on him and we would make our excuses and leave early if need be. DH wouldn't be happy with that either! But, my DS is younger so easier to keep tabs on!