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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say ffs she is autistic!

70 replies

BrightonBelleCat · 23/07/2017 00:39

I spent an evening tonight with dp's parents. Dp isn't the dad of dd who is asd.

We came home and dp said 'my mum tried to talk to dd tonight and dd ignored her'.

I said 'right well you know the situation she sometimes doesn't like speaking to others'

He said well it's a bit rude isn't it.

What the hell do I do? Right now we are in separate rooms and I've been accused of having double standards.

I'm pretty fucked off.

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 23/07/2017 07:27

How can people not 'get it' ?!

Lots of people don't. I dont want to merail a thread but I once had a church elder offer me exorcism for my DS 'as X is convinced it's a spiritual battle'. Angry

The worst thing about it? Said church elder had two grandchildren with ASD! Shock

A lot of the time I don't think that its that they "Don't get it" it's that they refuse to/are ignorant to it.

My rather strict no nonsense Dad was the one who suggested DS mah have ASD and encouraged me to go to the doctors. He's also the most calmest (out of the people DS interacts with) around my DS, and DS just mellows with him.

OP. Does your DD have any recommendations from any professionals involved. We had a recommendation list for family and friends and school of how to deal with DS from the specialist ASD team from SALT. It was just little subtle things and its made such a difference.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 23/07/2017 07:31

She is high functioning as another poster said so basically it's assumed a lot that she is rude or spoilt etc.

She has an inclusion lesson at school three times a week.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 23/07/2017 07:34

'right well you know the situation she sometimes doesn't like speaking to others'

The key here is "sometimes" - sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. You haven't given us enough information to go on. To use autism as a blanket reason, when it may be the childs choice whether to engage is wrong.

Something I reprimand my son occasionally for is using his autism as an excuse.

WomblingThree · 23/07/2017 07:35

Is this the first time your DD has met his parents?

Rhubarbtart9 · 23/07/2017 07:40

Get loads of info and give it to DH and also the parents. Tell them 'Ive got you lots of info to help you understand DD's condition. I know it's quite complex and so it's worth having a read'

KimmySchmidt1 · 23/07/2017 07:41

Don't do anything - if he is normally sympathetic then this will be all about his relationship with his mum and nothing to do with DD - that I'd just the example that had come up this time. Honestly my DH and I used to have massive rows when we came back from or we're going to his parents until we realised that he just has a difficult relationship with them and that stress has been playing on his mind. Now we know and acknowledge it it's all much easier to manage.

Have you tried asking him Sympathetically ' what's wrong, you're usually really understanding of DS?' And finding out if his mother has been stressing him out?

Rhubarbtart9 · 23/07/2017 07:41

Autistic people can be rude intentionally and unintentionally. You can always talk to your DD too about what to say/do if she feels put on the spot.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 23/07/2017 07:46

Wait a few hours until you've both had breakfast and aren't groggy, then sit down and talk to him about it.
I agree that people can regress when seeing their parents. Which isn't ok when it impacts on your dd, but now he's apart from them and can reflect on it he may recognise that he was being unreasonable.

HareTodayDragonTomorrow · 23/07/2017 07:51

I can see both sides. On the one hand, yes it is rude of your DD and on the other it is almost disrespectful of your MiL. BUT your DD cannot go through life just ignoring people when she feels like it, you need to teach her the tools to cope in such situations and why not practice in a family setting?

You say she is high functioning and 'sometimes', so she can learn what to do. Can you take an activity so she can say something like "I don't feel like talking, can we do this together instead?"

I think it's lovely your DP's mum is trying to take an interest in her, you see so many families where the step-grandparents (for want of a better description) don't take any interest in children who aren't blood relatives, and maybe you should think about trying to encourage it.

Wormulonian · 23/07/2017 07:59

Wombling I was also wondering if this was the first time DD had met DP's parents. Perhaps you need to see them again/phone/write to them and explain DD's condition and that she was not being rude. If they can't grasp that then I'd notr eallyw ant to have much to do with them.

I suppose the bigger problem is DP if he is fine in private with DD but struggles "in public". If this was a first meeting with his parents was he nervous? Were his parents already a bit hostile about your relationship?

lifeinthecountry · 23/07/2017 08:05

Agree with PP, OP, I think this is more about your DP relationship with his parents. Roughly 70% of the rows me and exdh ever had were due to something his mum said and he then reacted to. I don't think it was really her fault (although it would have helped if she'd spoken to me directly) it was due to the way he reacted and then attacked me with things.

BUT your DD cannot go through life just ignoring people when she feels like it, you need to teach her the tools to cope in such situations and why not practice in a family setting?

How simplistic! It's not that easy, otherwise children with ASDs would all quickly be cured of their social challenges, wouldn't they. Confused Each person on the spectrum is unique and has different challenges. My adult dc with HFA still regularly ignores people and I expect he'll continue to do so for the duration of his life. If you believe that's simply because I didn't teach him the required skills thoroughly enough, you're completely failing to understand ASD.

frumpety · 23/07/2017 08:07

Is this the first time that MIL had met her ? Has anyone explained to her what being ASD means for your daughter and how it can manifest itself in social interactions ?
I know a child with ASD , went to a party and he was sitting on his own in the corner of the garden so I went over to chat to him , just as you would do with any child . Normally when I see this child we have a little chat , this time I got nothing back at all . There was a moment , a brief fleeting moment , when I felt a bit upset that he wasn't responding to me , and then I thought maybe I am upsetting him coming over and trying to chat , so I said 'nice to see you , I am going to go and get a drink ' and wandered away . They came over to me later on in the party and we chatted about their toy . I guess what I am trying to say is that whilst I can understand the MIL being upset , if she realises that it isn't done as a personal slight , she might be able to deal with it better in the future , but that is going to require somebody explaining it to her .

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 23/07/2017 08:08

I think she has issues when she is singled out or put on the spot. She freezes a bit and doesn't know what to do so she ignores the person.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/07/2017 08:09

I think not responding to your hosts is considered rude by society so work needs to be done with your daughter to enable her to reply. It's a difficult one but if this is the only thing you disagree with your dp on them I'm sure you can talk it through.

WomblingThree · 23/07/2017 08:17

On a message board where a lot of people have children with autism, it's sometimes difficult to remember that there are still a vast number of people who have no idea what it is or how it manifests.

I think rather than being upset or angry you need to educate your PIL about the condition and how it affects your daughter. It is irritating (my own parents can barely remember what my invisible disability is, in spite of being told about 500 times) but see it as an opportunity to educate and advocate.

MrsBobDylan · 23/07/2017 08:17

Choices of behaviour driven by autism arnt really choices. I can give my nt children the 'tools to cope' with situations and I can let them know when their behaviour is unacceptable. I can't with my dc with asd because he has so many other things whirling round his head (obsessions, anxiety, new sounds etc) that my words often can't cut through the mental 'noise'.

People who say 'you just need to teach them' just don't get it, but it was ever thus.

Op, am sorry, you must be feeling very upset today. Hope you can work it through today.Flowers

Heatherjayne1972 · 23/07/2017 08:17

Autistic people see the world very differently. They just can't understand why it's a social norm to talk when you don't want to for eg
My nephew doesn't do queuing or sharing he doesn't see why you need to que up or share
My sister and his school have worked very hard to teach him that these are expected of us all
But he doesn't see why and therefore doesn't
In my experience you can explain all you want but it makes little difference

WomblingThree · 23/07/2017 08:20

Heatherjayne1972 people with autism aren't a homogeneous being. Just because your nephew doesn't "do" queuing and sharing, doesn't mean all people with ASD are the same.

otterlieriver · 23/07/2017 08:26

Actually she can go through life ignoring people when she feels like it.

She would find life immensely difficult as a result - and many people with autism do. 'Difficult' being an understatement.

There's nothing much you can do with people like this, OP. To be fair I think you have to live with autism on some level to 'get' it but your DP does.

TheFirstMrsDV · 23/07/2017 08:41

Lots of parents don't 'get it' Its not exclusive to step fathers.
I agree with the pp who mentioned that weird regression/compliance a lot of adults slip into when with their parents.

Maybe he thought he understood. He thought he 'got it'. Then he saw DD with his parents and his parents had a word with him and he doubted himself and your DD?
Particularly as your DD is sometimes able to be sociable.

I have to regularly remind myself to 'get it' about DS and he is doesn't sound as able as your DD (going by limited information)
I am just so used to him and kids with ASD are like any other, they change and develop.

I understand why you are so upset but try and put it into perspective. Is he normally good with your DD? Does he make an effort?

How much 'training' has he had? Maybe he needs more information.

MrsBobDylan · 23/07/2017 08:47

I don't think heatherjayne was suggesting everyone with asd are the same wombling.

OneInEight · 23/07/2017 08:47

Variability in behaviour is one of the things we (and school) struggled most to understand with my ds's. But for my two anyway how they behave reflects their overall stress levels. On days where there has been a lot of stress social niceties are one of the first things to go.

Meeting an unfamiliar person is pretty stressful on its own so it is not unsurprising that your dd can talk happily with your dp but not his parents. Your dp could help the situation another time by asking his parents to avoid direct personal questions (mine absolutely hate this), steer the conversation to neutral topics (whatever your dd is interested in), ask your dd for help in making drinks etc so she has an activity to do and give her a let out clause (so that she knows she can leave if it becomes too stressful). We find that telling people in advance about our ds's difficulties and what they can and can not cope with makes such visits go a lot smoother. It's taken us long enough to understand them so actually it is really unfair to expect a stranger to automatically understand.

Basically your dp needs to be proactive in supporting your dd and not just criticising - after all he is the NT ones so presumably more able to alter his social behaviour than your dd with an ASC).

Heatherjayne1972 · 23/07/2017 08:53

Womble. I never said all autistic people are the same
Point is you can explain social norms all day long. If someone doesn't get it. It's a waste of your time and energy
Just let them be

DressedCrab · 23/07/2017 08:59

I'd cut him some slack if he is normally supportive. He was probably a bit embarrassed and didn't really think.

On the plus side it's lovely that his DM tries to engage with your DD, who isn't a blood grandchild. She probably felt snubbed and spoke hastily to your DP.

We can't always behave as we know we should and we make mistakes. Try to talk to his DM about autism and explain that it isn't personal. People don't always get that.

Concussedbanana · 23/07/2017 09:17

Talk to him and them, together, and open and honestly. DS1(9) has ASD, he is high functioning and o sometimes have to have a word with myself about understanding him. It's bloody tough on everybody.

We are actively joining groups and looking at courses as a couple as DH struggles to get it (he has aspergers himself in all likelihood so it's never going to be easy)