Please help - very long. Desperate.

[PamplemousseRouge]

Sorry this is long.

I really struggle to 'sell' myself in professional situations and don't really like talking about myself in other situations as I just feel really unconfident and nervous. This is getting more of a concern as I get older. The idea of dating as well terrifies me, as I don't really feel lovable or interesting or anything like that (currently don't have a partner and have never actually had a relationship).

I've been doing an online CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) course along with phone counselling (I was referred by a GP for counselling last year) , but it hasn't really helped that much and I just feel myself slipping back into my old ways. It feels so so frustrating.

I've got into a habit of constantly apologising and saying 'sorry' (usually in a situation where I don't need to apologise). I've done this since I was a teenager, and am finding it hard to break the habit.

When I was still at school and at university, I thought that confidence would come with time and that, when I achieved things or when I did something that I was proud of, this would help my confidence and self-esteem. This has helped, but not all that much.

I'm getting a bit more concerned now I've graduated from university and looking for jobs. It just seems so cut-throat and I really don't have a thick skin at all. I had a job interview today where the interviewers were talking about the importance of having a thick skin in their job in general and it got me thinking about how I can learn to be more resilient and more confident.

The interview was fucking awful. I didn't sell myself at all, and felt really intimidated to be honest. I think I came across as really straight-laced and boring, while the firm seems to very trendy, current and a bit cut-throat really. I just went to pieces in the interview and didn't express myself well at all - got very nervous and started rambling and not answering the questions at all. It was an absolute car crash.

I actually started a teacher training course last year, and resigned from it. It broke me completely as I didn't have (or develop) the resilience needed to make it. It was awful. (Have posted before about the teacher training under this name).

Growing up, I was basically taught to be a 'people-pleaser' by my family. Although my Mum has always said to me how important it is to be resilient and to be thick-skinned, she never really explained to me or showed me in practice how to be thick-skinned. (This is just for context and background).

I'm seriously starting to think ill never get a job or have a relationship (am 25). Not catastrophising, this is just my current feeling. Don't know what the fuck to do with my life. Literally no clue. Have had careers advice since February from a careers coach (arranged through my counselling), but when I've applied for jobs, I've either not got enough experience to do them or I've applied and not heard back or I'll have an interview (like today) and completely blow it.

For context, I went to a girls' school until I was 16. Literally had no idea how to talk to boys. I was always encouraged to prioritise school work and grades by my parents and had after-school activities every night and sometimes on weekends. Never had any friends round as I was always doing schoolwork or activities, and didn't really have many friends at school as I was so shy and unconfident.

University was much, much better - have lovely friends from there who I still keep in touch with. I went to a very, very academic university though, and we were told to focus on our degrees. I really enjoyed my degree and did quite a lot other extra-curricular stuff as well, which I also really enjoyed, but there was a lot of pressure put on us from the university to do well.

My current situation is thatI have to move out of the (London) flat I'm in a couple of weeks, as the contract finishes soon. My parents have offered for me to move back home, which is really kind and I do appreciate it. Unfortunately, the town where they live and where I grew up doesn't really have any opportunities at all and I really don't know what I'll do.

I also don't drive, as my eyesight is really bad and I can't read car number plates within the required distance, even though I've been told by opticians (and tested by opticians) to make sure my eyesight is good enough for driving. I feel so frustrated with myself.

My parents are also both fairly elderly (in 70s), and I really don't want to put a strain on them abd they already do so much to help me. I really want them to be in a position where they feel that I'm in a goood, stable position so they don't have to worry about me.

All of my other close relatives are really successful and doing very well, and I feel like such a failure.

Please please help :(

Disagree with rache11 - I worked in Japan for almost 2 years (admittedly, it was a while back!! But u like to think things will have improved a bit, not gone backwards!) even in those days, no kanji was needed! U pick up what u need as you go along! And for someone like me (and you perhaps OP) that apologises all the time etc... I found I suited Japanese life well and was similar to Japanese woman in character. Of course it's a different culture, and there are things wwestern people might find odd or uncomfortable, but it's part of immersing yourself in a different culture, and learning by experience! Japanese people do work very hard, and westerners are expected to too, but bullying by managers is wrong no matter where you are, and there will always be people who have those experiences (both in the uk and abroad)!

Japan teaching her can be a great adventure, bug there are adventures to be had elsewhere too - Australia and New Zealand are relatively safe, and loads of fruit picking and customer service opportunities out there for Brits! Loads of other overseas oppprtunities elsewhere too! Might be worth investigating and c what you're drawn to! (I think it's about taking a break, having an adventure, learning more about yourself and gaining confidence - such experiences can be gained here in UK too! ... )

What comes across from your op is when you were at school your time was taken up with homework and activities. Then you went to Uni and although you met a few friends a lot of your time was spent studying.

Have you thought of doing a part time job eg in a pub, cafe or somewhere where you interact with the public just to get yourself out there. Or like others have said fruit picking abroad or a job where you don't have to think too hard where you can have a bit of fun with other people. It isn't going to be forever but just a few months

Just somewhere where you can learn interaction with people without there being a right or wrong answer.

I would recommend listening to the guilty feminist podcast. They talk alot during the earlier episodes about apologising. Also I think you should read nice girls dont get the corner office. Dont be put off by the title. Its about being assertive and selling yourself. I think a lot of the strategies would be very useful for you.

I second the suggestion of the British Council - I worked as a language assistant through them: part of my interview was in French as I was going for a position in Francophone North Africa - I was awful But I still got the job! We got somewhere to live, a stipend and as it was something like 20 hours a week, we could take on private English tutoring for extra cash. No TEFL or teaching experience was required, though they stated that foreign language grads were preferred (I wasn't) You can sign up to their mailing list, and they let you know when a new round opens. Most of the options are in Europe, especially France and Spain, so no need to go right out of your comfort zone unless you want to.

I was very similar to you - and I remember the time it changed: I was on a first solo trip abroad, to volunteer on a project in a country I'd never been to and where I didn't know the language. I arrived late at night - to discover the people who were supposed to meet me weren't there. I waited for two hours, getting more and more anxious, and then gave myself a good talking to, telling myself that I could just get another plane home, but perhaps, if I did my best and tried to make something work, I might be able to improve my life when I got home, because I'd be more confident and accomplished. It wasn't easy - I got a taxi driver to take me to a hotel, and then muddled along for a couple of weeks, trying to get in touch with the project - but in the end, I stopped feeling so panicky all the time, and stopped feeling so lost, and within a month, I was having a ball. Three months later, I didn't want to go home. Twenty five years later, I can confidently say that that trip changed my whole life. I have still struggled from time to time, of course - but I learned that faking it until you make it really can pay off.

Honestly, go to the British Council website: (it wasn't them who left me stranded, btw!) and have a look - it's working with people, helping people, using languages: and they love people who will blog for them!

Hi everyone!

Sorry for not replying to this thread sooner - I was away for a few days and didn't have a chance to come back to update.

Just wanted to thank you all so much for all of your comments and help :) Everything that you've all suggested has been so helpful. If anyone has any further suggestions, please feel free to post them on here.

Regarding the eyesight, about the only thing I know anything about. I would expect a good optician would prescribe you glasses to correct your vision to the required standard, unless you have a restricted field of vision or some other serious problem with your eyes. Contact lenses might not work though, because many types can't correct for astigmatism.

Re: my eyesight problem, I've had problems with my eyesight since when I was very young.

I was born nine weeks' premature, and was ill for quite a few months afterwards. I had hydrocephalus, and had a shunt fitted to help. I'm not sure of the exact details of this, as I only know them from what my parents have mentioned, but my optic nerve is quite badly damaged because of having the shunt fitted. Apparently, fitting a shunt can cause hearing or sight problems, and my eyesight was affected after having the shunt fitted.

I'm not sure how to go about correcting the optic nerve damage or whether it can be done. Whenever I've had an appointment to assess my eyesight (with people who have access to my medical records), they've never brought up the possibility of having surgery or anything like that to correct the nerve damage.

I wear glasses and contact lenses. My prescription is quite high
for both.

I haven't RTFT but seeing as you did Spanish and French maybe going into translating or if you like journalism there's always people and companies looking for fluent speakers to translate articles/essays/websites for them to expand.

All I want to do is just make my parents proud of me and to go into a secure career that I enjoy and get fulfilment from - this just seems bloody impossible right now. I tried so hard at school and university trying to make this happen, and I'm not really sure where to go. I'm so fucking indecisive and confused. The more I try to find out where I want to go in life, the less certain I am.

I feel like family members are judging me for not having a job, and friends are too. It's really worrying my parents too :(

Thanks for your post Dead. There are no jobs in journalism unfortunately :( I spent every holiday in university working unpaid in journalism, and I can't face doing any more unpaid internships. I can't afford it. And it's so hard to find a job as a translator. Most jobs are freelance, which means very little job security.

Job security nowadays is extremely rare if non-existent

Try what you think you'll enjoy, rather than seek a career where you think there's security, you could be limiting your choices unnecessarily

Exactly as daisychain says.

Have you not been keeping up with how things are now OP? (I'm sure you probably have - but may be reflecting the concerns of people around you ...)

I think you're slightly caught up in a vortex of panic. And not really taking on board everything that's been posted. There is no rush. You do not have to begin a lifelong career tomorrow.

Is it worth asking again whether you've considered postgraduate study in something you're truly interested in? (Appreciate you may already have used up all the funding that's available to you.)

The determined negativity in your tone is, I have to say, pretty uncomfortable to read - but it's unlikely that anyone on this thread will magic you into your ideal future. You need to concentrate on what is possible, rather than waste time protesting that nothing can be done.

OP, have you given any thought to the posters' suggestions on travelling? (I remember doing this at your age and I went from feeling lost to feeling proud that I was 'working overseas'! And it gave me a chance to be on my own, away from family pressure, peer pressure etc... and really explore what I wanted to do).

You are incredibly employable. Languages, internships, academic - and you're only 25!
My advice - build resilience and get a thick skin by keep going to interviews. That's how it's done, I wish there were an easier way but there isn't. Go to as many interviews as you can. When you have a bad experience think of it as thickening that skin - next time won't be as bad. Did you survive anyway? Yes. Did you go to the next interview anyway? Yes. Well done you!
Also, have face to face CBT. Invest in it 100%. It will help you.
Don't worry about the boyfriend thing, work on everything else and that'll happen organically.
Finally, don't keep telling yourself the same story about who you are. Work on the specifics that you want to change. And be nice to yourself You'll be ok 💐

For fun, and the social life, and to actually learn the basic skills of self presentation, why not take an evening acting course?

If you are in London look at Royal Central School of Speech and Drama, City Lit, and others. Many will specify that they support confidence / presentation/ communication. They are not really aimed at wannabe actors.

I think while you're young and very the support of your parents, internships/freelancing would be a good way to build up both confidence and experience. You have a bit of a scattershot approach to jobhunting atm (I think you were applying for something in Education recently, not PR), and some short term work would give you a clearer idea of what you want. I also think the TEFL idea sounds good.

Don't get hung up on the introversion thing. Many introverts have jobs which involve presenting etc. I am an introvert teacher. I love it and am good at it. I think you are talking about confidence and resilience, and you can develop those.

Not read the whole thread so apologies if this is repeating previous posts, but three suggestions.

1. Find something like your local guiding group and volunteer as a leader. You would be an absolute gift to that sort of group, and the environment would help you build confidence. I believe the initial contacts and application can be done online, too.

1. For next year, would you consider working at something like Eurocamp? Your languages would be an asset and you'd get a lot of exposure to people without having to interact with the same ones day to day.

1. Longer term, have you considered looking into working in the charities sector? You sound like you'd be a great fit, and a definite asset.