Please help - very long. Desperate.

[PamplemousseRouge]

Sorry this is long.

I really struggle to 'sell' myself in professional situations and don't really like talking about myself in other situations as I just feel really unconfident and nervous. This is getting more of a concern as I get older. The idea of dating as well terrifies me, as I don't really feel lovable or interesting or anything like that (currently don't have a partner and have never actually had a relationship).

I've been doing an online CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) course along with phone counselling (I was referred by a GP for counselling last year) , but it hasn't really helped that much and I just feel myself slipping back into my old ways. It feels so so frustrating.

I've got into a habit of constantly apologising and saying 'sorry' (usually in a situation where I don't need to apologise). I've done this since I was a teenager, and am finding it hard to break the habit.

When I was still at school and at university, I thought that confidence would come with time and that, when I achieved things or when I did something that I was proud of, this would help my confidence and self-esteem. This has helped, but not all that much.

I'm getting a bit more concerned now I've graduated from university and looking for jobs. It just seems so cut-throat and I really don't have a thick skin at all. I had a job interview today where the interviewers were talking about the importance of having a thick skin in their job in general and it got me thinking about how I can learn to be more resilient and more confident.

The interview was fucking awful. I didn't sell myself at all, and felt really intimidated to be honest. I think I came across as really straight-laced and boring, while the firm seems to very trendy, current and a bit cut-throat really. I just went to pieces in the interview and didn't express myself well at all - got very nervous and started rambling and not answering the questions at all. It was an absolute car crash.

I actually started a teacher training course last year, and resigned from it. It broke me completely as I didn't have (or develop) the resilience needed to make it. It was awful. (Have posted before about the teacher training under this name).

Growing up, I was basically taught to be a 'people-pleaser' by my family. Although my Mum has always said to me how important it is to be resilient and to be thick-skinned, she never really explained to me or showed me in practice how to be thick-skinned. (This is just for context and background).

I'm seriously starting to think ill never get a job or have a relationship (am 25). Not catastrophising, this is just my current feeling. Don't know what the fuck to do with my life. Literally no clue. Have had careers advice since February from a careers coach (arranged through my counselling), but when I've applied for jobs, I've either not got enough experience to do them or I've applied and not heard back or I'll have an interview (like today) and completely blow it.

For context, I went to a girls' school until I was 16. Literally had no idea how to talk to boys. I was always encouraged to prioritise school work and grades by my parents and had after-school activities every night and sometimes on weekends. Never had any friends round as I was always doing schoolwork or activities, and didn't really have many friends at school as I was so shy and unconfident.

University was much, much better - have lovely friends from there who I still keep in touch with. I went to a very, very academic university though, and we were told to focus on our degrees. I really enjoyed my degree and did quite a lot other extra-curricular stuff as well, which I also really enjoyed, but there was a lot of pressure put on us from the university to do well.

My current situation is thatI have to move out of the (London) flat I'm in a couple of weeks, as the contract finishes soon. My parents have offered for me to move back home, which is really kind and I do appreciate it. Unfortunately, the town where they live and where I grew up doesn't really have any opportunities at all and I really don't know what I'll do.

I also don't drive, as my eyesight is really bad and I can't read car number plates within the required distance, even though I've been told by opticians (and tested by opticians) to make sure my eyesight is good enough for driving. I feel so frustrated with myself.

My parents are also both fairly elderly (in 70s), and I really don't want to put a strain on them abd they already do so much to help me. I really want them to be in a position where they feel that I'm in a goood, stable position so they don't have to worry about me.

All of my other close relatives are really successful and doing very well, and I feel like such a failure.

Please please help :(

the thing is 'nowadays' is that everyone on FB etc. shows their perfect life. they aren't living that, they're curating it for others. 25 is young, maybe do a camp America next summer or something? you sound like someone who listens well so a mentor or helper from people with SN or something? maybe a Teachers Assistant? you dont have that additional pressure from the work and can simple help.
Look at fields that are totally different, I started in Tech Theatre, now in the Engineering sector! (and no degree). Take your time, find a job to keep you going that might allow you the free time to find something you like. Work on your Blog more, build it up and you could be the next BIG THING. Just Chill about 'oh I should be doing X/Y/Z by now' we're all different and do things at different stages.

Oh yes to all the people suggesting civil service, I think they also run a fast track scheme for under 26 graduates (I had a look once in the mists of time when I was eligible and the entry tests actually look quite fun in an odd sort of way...)

I have struggled with many similar feelings (and still do sometimes) and had several false starts in my 20s. I really really recommend acceptance and commitment therapy rather than CBT. It's harder to access, but Russ Harris' books (the happiness trap and the confidence gap) are fab, and he's soon launching an online version of the happiness trap- guided self help. I find it helps me so much to start with my values (rather than my 'goals') and then use those to guide me. ACT also makes a lot of sense to me in terms of needing to tolerate our difficult feelings to do what matters to us, rather than trying to get rid of our difficult feelings before we can start living. I also had life coaching (rather than career coaching) which I found super helpful- I realise now that my coach was using lots of ACT principles and techniques.

This was like reading my own diary.

I'm basically the same age as you (within two years) and have been in exactly the same situation. I have only just secured a job since graduating (2015).

I suffer from depression badly and went to a very, very academic university. I went years months without a job. I also pursued PR and teaching which is very weird.

In terms of finding a job. I would suggest going back to your parents (as I did) and spending some solid time thinking about what it is that suits you in terms of career.

I spent really good time thinking about what interests me, motivates me (as you said - making a difference), my skills and ambitions. Being able to get away from it all and devote my time to myself rather than paying bills was good for me. I also focused a lot on sector/company culture (e.g. PR culture was not conducive to my mental health). This helped me find a sector that motivated me. I was finally able to answer all those questions I struggled with at interviews. I finally found some more confidence as I had passion and belief I was a good candidate. I went from struggling to find a job for months to receiving multiple offers.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

I haven't read the whole thread just your initial post.

I had a horrible home life as a child. On top of that I was an introvert so not able to share my hurt with others. For some reason I was never short of friends/boyfriends in school.
It was only when I left school and started to deal with all that was happening in my life that I started to go back into my shell and shut people out.

By my early twenties I had no one. Literally no one. I was not as self aware as you are now.

15 years later I am happily married with children with a big group of friends. I am also MD of a company.

I am not good at public speaking or interviews but I can write well (except on forums).

I am finally getting to my point...

You are young. You are self aware. You seem smart. You have got this.

You can't drive due to your eye sight? Will Laser surgery help? Make it a priority.

It wasn't until my thirties I realised nothing happens unless you make it happen. What do you want? Set yourself two big goals a year and think about how you will achieve them. That is what I did and it worked for me.

Stop applying to high power whizz bang companies and seek out small or family businesses instead where you will feel more comfortable and you can gain in confidence. Join a group too (amateur dramatics, volunteer for a charity etc.) to give you an extra interest and something to put on your CV and talk about in an interview.

"Sorry for keeping you waiting" becomes "thank you for waiting".

Really like that its a good one that!.

Pamplemousse Knew or still know rather a girl who sounds just like what you are shes an introvert very much so now 24 shes finally found something she likes doing and its not been easy for her. She also said, and I think a lot of posters here will say that, Interviews can be worse than hard work. I might suggest a sort of notes or crib sheet fro asking questions of the interviewer seems to help espically if you do get a bit of tongue tied. Seems to me your a decent person maybe a bit quiet and shy some very good advice is to be had on these boards and believe you me, not everyone's life is "perfick" and just so!

You'll get there:-)

Thank you so so much everyone your replies have been so lovely and helpful :)

Just wanted to add a couple of things:
I spent a lot of my twenties feeling a bit inadequate and unsure of myself - but I found a career I enjoyed & I am good at (social research) - I, too, enjoyed writing and considered journalism, but now I get to write research papers/reports!
I also learned about personality types especially introversion/ extroversion- I am strongly introverted, it explained a lot about why I felt like I did in certain situations e.g. groups of people I don't know well or having to give 'off the cuff' answers/comments on things - I need time & space to think before speaking (actually there's no need for people in meetings to blurt out whatever pops into their head!) so you might find it useful to look into personality types e.g. Myers Briggs type inventory (MBTI)

I'm exactly the same I have a huge fear of failure and catastrphise things, such as make a small work error that many wouldn't think about, however I start panicking , make it way worse than it is and imagine being fired, very dramatic thought pattern. I'm a bit older than you and although I'll always be sensitive, over think and generally be anxious, I have gone with a bit of a fake it till you make it mantra. People at work think of me as confident now, I'm 100% not, it's kind of a mask but does work a bit. I take a beta blocker if I'm feeling really anxious !

I am 40! I apologise all the time! It irritates some people, some people don't care. I used to try and stop it, but now I accept it's just me! I'm also a people pleaser! Again- it's just me! When I catch myself doing it I make sure I ask myself if I want to or not! If not, I stop it! I think I come across a bit lacking in confidence to some, but I'm pretty successful! Have a good career, a PhD, manage staff teams! It's good for my employees I think, to see that not all managers are overly assertive, and it's ok to apologise (even excessively)!

Learn to accept yourself for who you r OP! Apologising all the time and not being confident are not bad traits! Just traits!

And other posters r right! Why don't you head off abroad - teach English in Japan/china, work in fruit picking in Australia/New Zealand, go and work on a kibbutz, do some summer camps in USA, or volunteer overseas for a charity. It will be great fun, confidence building, make u feel u r doing something worthwhile, and will give u time to think out your life and your future. Google some of these ideas - some work abroad pays well and requires little in the way of specific qualifications

You r just 25! It's so so young! Dont age yourself!

Wonderful advice above.

I'd also recommend teaching English as a foreign language abroad or VSO. It'll be scary as hell for you to make the decision to go but the confidence you'll develop will set you up for life.

As for relationships, try not to worry, forget about it for a while, focus on finding what you want with your life. A happy person is far far more attractive and that's when you'll find the right person for you, someone doing similar things with their life.

It can be so easy as a people pleaser to be almost grateful that someone chooses you that you forget to figure out if they're actually right for you. Find out who you are first, the rest will come.

Just a note of caution re. the fast track civil
Service suggestion. I understand why PP mentioned it but it's possibly a good example of how career ideas quickly grow more pressurised. The fast track civil service folk I've known are all the kind of thrusting, outwardly confident high flyer grads that are part of the OP's current problem so I'd say it's almost the opposite pathway that would make more sense. Starting in a support role in a team where the ethos is going to be warmer and help the OP to build confidence and blossom. The less pressure the better, then she can start to see her own strengths and ideally get a bit bored and ready to stretch more.

OP, I've read, and replied to, several of your posts in the past and all I would add is don't let your responses on here be part of your "people pleasing". Not saying you don't mean what you say but this discussion about how inappropriate the career choices are for your personality and current issues has been had at some length with you seemingly v self-aware about it and yet you're still going for hideous PR roles and then berating yourself when you crash and burn. I get that these cycles are hard to break but this time please really take positive action. Accept that you do not have this much vaunted (yet overrated in the scheme of humanity) "thick skin" and make a decision to value your actual qualities. If you lived at home and even did a caring job for a while, would that be so bad? Not everything has to be a launchpad to some hackneyed notion of success. Work on yourself first and then you might start to see your real value for others.

Or to quote Bill Hicks, out of context but still relevant: "stop putting your dick in the blender."

I agree with Pink. I was very much like you at that age, I tanked most of my interviews, crashed and burned in my one professional job. Which was the sort of job which valued "resilence". I.e. put up and shut up with outdated sexist attitudes etc. Don't feel like you have to apply for graduate level/prestigious style jobs. If you feel comfortable applying for retail/office/care work, then go for it. In terms of driving - I don't drive as I am too clumsy and anxious. But if you choose where you live carefully you can manage v well - towns like Manchester/Brum etc have good public transport.

The people pleasing issues - they do decrease, if not go away, with age and experience, honestly.

Have you considered doing a TEFL (teaching English as a foreign language) or similar. This would allow you to travel or stay in the UK and help refugees/asylum seekers. The refugee council is based in Stratford east London, they may have some opportunities. Also many if the refugees will be coming from countries where French is their first language so you may be able to take on an interpreter role. And you'd be helping people. Good luck, I remember finding my twenties similarly stressful and overwhelming, not having the structure of school/uni to focus on.

What you describe sounds perfectly normal! Truly. I'm twice your age, post-Oxbridge, have followed "at some distance" a prestigious profession and started another in extreme old age - and I still think the people who seem to glide through life with no apparent stuttering or difficulty are just ... strange.

Because why on earth would you leave university, or even first jobs, completely ready for the big wide world?

I'm a bit reluctant to add to the many suggestions above but - speaking from the outside - you seem most confident about your university experience. Not sure if you've already done any postgraduate study - but might more academic work be an option?

For instance - what was it about your languages degree that was important? Modern languages as a way into culture? (> Art, architecture, theatre, etc?) Or language as words? (> Translation, linguistics, even philosophy possibly?) Or "I can read this 14th century document on an obscure topic and become an expert in it"?

There is no rush. I agree with everyone else, the jobs you approached don't sound like your sort of thing at all. Focus on what you really want to do. (Though you may not find out for another 25 years!) In the end it does not matter whether you go home or scramble to stay in London. What you need is to give yourself time and permission to find your way.

Here endeth ...

British Council jobs site has some interesting vacancies OP. Some abroad and some with language requirements

I wrote a long list and list it, but I'm a lot like you and going abroad and doing TEFL for adults (never ever kids) was the making of me. Don't worry about Brexit, just do it for a year while you can. Its crap pay but great for a short term experience and easy work to get. PM me if you want more info!

*long post and lost it

Hi, I haven't read the whole thread.
I was pretty similar to you, mid 20s.

My first thought is: google Teach English in Japan.
I think it would be helpful (even fun) for you.

20 years ago, accommodation in Japan etc was provided with the job. You are put into a network of non-Japanese.

It is a safe way for you to gain confidence (especially with relationships). You could teach in Japan for a few years and see what life throws up.
I hope that helps.

If you're thinking of teaching in Japan, go on YouTube first & look up others experience. Very expensive to live there & tales of being treated very badly by teaching managers so deffo need a thick skin. Japan is not at all multicultural either - less than 1% gaigin & you will be constantly stared at & looked down upon. You also need to learn kanji & the language very fast to survive.

I wish I had had you lot to advise me when I was in my 20s!
good luck OP. wishing you all the best.

What about teaching English to adults in this country?

I also don't drive, as my eyesight is really bad and I can't read car number plates within the required distance, even though I've been told by opticians (and tested by opticians) to make sure my eyesight is good enough for driving. I feel so frustrated with myself.

That doesn't make sense? My eyesight is awful so I have to wear glasses so that I can read number plates etc at the required distance. Can't you do this?