Please help - very long. Desperate.

[PamplemousseRouge]

Sorry this is long.

I really struggle to 'sell' myself in professional situations and don't really like talking about myself in other situations as I just feel really unconfident and nervous. This is getting more of a concern as I get older. The idea of dating as well terrifies me, as I don't really feel lovable or interesting or anything like that (currently don't have a partner and have never actually had a relationship).

I've been doing an online CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) course along with phone counselling (I was referred by a GP for counselling last year) , but it hasn't really helped that much and I just feel myself slipping back into my old ways. It feels so so frustrating.

I've got into a habit of constantly apologising and saying 'sorry' (usually in a situation where I don't need to apologise). I've done this since I was a teenager, and am finding it hard to break the habit.

When I was still at school and at university, I thought that confidence would come with time and that, when I achieved things or when I did something that I was proud of, this would help my confidence and self-esteem. This has helped, but not all that much.

I'm getting a bit more concerned now I've graduated from university and looking for jobs. It just seems so cut-throat and I really don't have a thick skin at all. I had a job interview today where the interviewers were talking about the importance of having a thick skin in their job in general and it got me thinking about how I can learn to be more resilient and more confident.

The interview was fucking awful. I didn't sell myself at all, and felt really intimidated to be honest. I think I came across as really straight-laced and boring, while the firm seems to very trendy, current and a bit cut-throat really. I just went to pieces in the interview and didn't express myself well at all - got very nervous and started rambling and not answering the questions at all. It was an absolute car crash.

I actually started a teacher training course last year, and resigned from it. It broke me completely as I didn't have (or develop) the resilience needed to make it. It was awful. (Have posted before about the teacher training under this name).

Growing up, I was basically taught to be a 'people-pleaser' by my family. Although my Mum has always said to me how important it is to be resilient and to be thick-skinned, she never really explained to me or showed me in practice how to be thick-skinned. (This is just for context and background).

I'm seriously starting to think ill never get a job or have a relationship (am 25). Not catastrophising, this is just my current feeling. Don't know what the fuck to do with my life. Literally no clue. Have had careers advice since February from a careers coach (arranged through my counselling), but when I've applied for jobs, I've either not got enough experience to do them or I've applied and not heard back or I'll have an interview (like today) and completely blow it.

For context, I went to a girls' school until I was 16. Literally had no idea how to talk to boys. I was always encouraged to prioritise school work and grades by my parents and had after-school activities every night and sometimes on weekends. Never had any friends round as I was always doing schoolwork or activities, and didn't really have many friends at school as I was so shy and unconfident.

University was much, much better - have lovely friends from there who I still keep in touch with. I went to a very, very academic university though, and we were told to focus on our degrees. I really enjoyed my degree and did quite a lot other extra-curricular stuff as well, which I also really enjoyed, but there was a lot of pressure put on us from the university to do well.

My current situation is thatI have to move out of the (London) flat I'm in a couple of weeks, as the contract finishes soon. My parents have offered for me to move back home, which is really kind and I do appreciate it. Unfortunately, the town where they live and where I grew up doesn't really have any opportunities at all and I really don't know what I'll do.

I also don't drive, as my eyesight is really bad and I can't read car number plates within the required distance, even though I've been told by opticians (and tested by opticians) to make sure my eyesight is good enough for driving. I feel so frustrated with myself.

My parents are also both fairly elderly (in 70s), and I really don't want to put a strain on them abd they already do so much to help me. I really want them to be in a position where they feel that I'm in a goood, stable position so they don't have to worry about me.

All of my other close relatives are really successful and doing very well, and I feel like such a failure.

Please please help :(

I wouldn't live through my 20s again if you paid me. They were AWFUL. And life then was a lot easier really compared to these days.

A word of warning; I was so miserable when I was 25, and thought i was so old (my mother married at 24, how about yours?) that I very quickly married literally the first man who came along. Bad, bad idea. Take your time.

You had a good time at university; wonderful. What did you like about your work or experience there? I can only now with hindsight link what I loved about my studies (history) with my current job, but the link is analysis and putting clues together to form a picture.

I am still described as unconfident but with time I have slowly let go of the need to be seen to excel, and every time I do that things get better. Of course I work hard and try my best, but if I obsess less about my performance I do better.

I'd ask for face to face counselling. I like phone counselling but not interacting with a person is not necessarily helpful. I also think CBT has a role but it's not for everyone. Actually maybe a break from counselling altogether?

You've slid over what the careers advisor said. Did they also suggest you should be doing some terrifying professional role? You don't have to. I will say it again - you don't have to. I am a professional myself now but it has taken 20 years to get there. Better, find somethereal you like - the organisation, the place, the goals, whatever - and get some sort of basic work there. Volunteer for a charity you like (and not necessarily in a scary 'graduate' type role) or be a self employed cleaner in an area you love, in beautiful houses, or help with a Brownie group, or become a tourist guide to your home town, or babysit after school hours, or do care work - there is always care work, and it can break people, but a lot of people find huge value in it. In your spare time, go back to one of those activities you love. You didn't only learn to work at university, you learned to live, you got to know people and had experiences. It will be different now but it can also be better.

Oh gosh that place you interviewed at sounds awful, that was them not you! And you've ruled out PR, well that sounds sensible.

I used to think quite similarly to you and would likewise have assumed the subtext to "you need a thick skin to work here" meant I wasn't good enough and would need to change myself and my personality to fit. These days I'd think "well, that's code for you're a right bunch of bastards and there's a mild bullying culture at this place so screw you".

Try reading The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, you might find it a bit of a revelation. Your last post here is I think practically a quote from it! I only discovered it when I was most of the way towards growing out of everything you describe. Honestly I was very similar, super-academic, under-confident, felt abnormal, shit-scared of everything. I'm mostly normal and capable now

One other thing, bear in mind well-meaning suggestions to "boost your confidence" may come from people who aren't at all sensitive in the same way you are. It's the difference between someone who needs to go skydiving to get a proper thrill and someone who gets pretty pumped up just by going on a fairground ride.

Have you thought about doing marketing /pr/lobbying for a charity? It will be great experience and you will be helping people.

Also, don't go on the holiday if you don't want to. You can give yourself that permission. If it's going to make you unhappy and anxious, don't do it. If, on examining your feelings, you think the anxious feelings might pass on, then maybe you can go.

Try picturing Monday, say, assuming that you haven't gone. Really envisage it - you know your friends or whoever you were going with have now got there, maybe there are pictures on Facebook. You're at home. How does that make you feel? Do you feel nothing but relief and quiet pleasure that you have some headspace or do you feel sad you're not there?

OP, why are you so certain that you can't cope with things the way others do? How are you so sure that "everyone else" deals with hardships so effortlessly, because I assure you they don't.

I'm 36. I only really found my professional niche at 31, and that was by doing an MA in a completely different field from my BA. It also involves being self-employed, working from home and having minimal contact with other people. And that's what's right for me.

Maybe you don't feel confident because you're not doing what's right for you. Maybe you could consider a different path, something in academia perhaps?

But most of all: don't panic.

I was a monumental mess at 25. With time comes confidence and the ability to not give a shit what other people think.

Two things: are you an introvert? Or do you think you have social anxiety?

If you're introverted, self-acceptance is the way forward (there's nothing wrong with introverts. The world is just set up to cater more towards extroverts).

If it's social anxiety, CBT plus medication could be useful.

In terms of the careers you have mentioned, I worked in politics for around 10 years and as an introvert, I found it fascinating, but utterly exhausting and draining because politicians can be dickheads demanding.

You are still very young. You don't need to force yourself into a profession or organisation that eats your self confidence. There are other options.

It's a really positive sign that you made good friends at uni and still see them, and that you did a load of extra curricular stuff.

Can you take a week off, somewhere quiet and think about what you'd like to do? Perhaps a small organisation would suit you. One that is gentle and peaceful in its set up, that attracts staff of similar disposition.

If you work well one to one, could you do tutoring? It pays quite well and would leave you plenty of time free to explore other interests and job possibilities.

I think it's a sign of strength of character to have walked out of teacher training if it wasn't right for you. That is a kind of self confidence, even if it doesn't seem like it. You know yourself enough to know this won't make you happy and value yourself enough to choose happiness over social approval.

Maybe you are just introverted. That is not the same as lacking in confidence. But it does demand a different workplace skill set. Research good jobs for introverts with language skills - see if anything comes up that makes you think - Oh yes of course!

I'm with Twillow in that I think you are putting yourself forward for jobs that aren't you at all! Teaching, PR and journalism all require huge amounts of resilience within challenging environments. There are other jobs which are not quite so challenging or public-facing which would allow you to build up your confidence over time and enable you to use the skills you do have. Don't jump in the deep end...test the water first. I built up my confidence over many years but still wouldn't work in PR! I would also be wary about working abroad. I have done it myself and adapting to a new culture as well as a new job in a different country where you don't know anyone is very, very isolating.

As for relationships, they can wait...seriously....find friends, do hobbies with them, enjoy yourself. You are only 25 and you have years to get to where you want to be. I built up my confidence at your age by working with people with disabilities....I realised I could be useful and make a difference. Think about a career with value, not a cut-threat environment full of people who, by their very presence, make you feel inadequate. Do something meaningful with your life.

And you are not a failure!

I was always an absolute failure at interviews. I worked out a survival plan...research the company, study the job spec and person specs. Then rehearse every aspect. Walking in, sitting down, where to put my hands. Dress code for company. If you think you do well but don't get the job, ask for feedback.

It is tough when you leave uni but you will find your job...the one with your name on it! good luck sweetie

You've had great replies so I haven't much to add but I just wanted to say that as well as being extremely hard on yourself you're looking at all the areas of your life you'd like to change at once and that makes the whole thing feel like too big a mountain to climb.

There's no rush to get everything sorted, tackle one thing at a time or you will just feel overwhelmed. It sounds like work is priority so focus on that for now and try not to let yourself worry about the rest for the time being. Its setting achievable goals I suppose, breaking it down into more manageable chunks.

If it helps at all I didn't even start to get my life sorted til my 30's and it all seemed to happen at once for me. It's amazing how much can change in a short space of time so stop putting pressure on yourself that you're somehow lagging behind

I think it's fairly normal to feel under confident in your twenties, I certainly did. Massively anxious about getting a job, then that I was rubbish at the job (imposter syndrome) but as time goes on I got better at covering the anxiousness up, until it got to the point where people commented on how calm I was and I thought ha, and then a bit later I realized I actually felt calm/confident (in thirties by that point). One thing though that jumped out is you seem to over think things a bit? Like when they asked you why you wanted to go into PR you really thought about the question and panicked, whereas a standard answer would be "because I am passionate about communicating and feel that I can really use the skills I developed through my journalism experience to communicate effectively about blah blah blah..." (ok maybe not that cheesy but along those lines). Not always a bad thing since it makes you sincere, but also you mention working in EUrope but are worried about the future because of Brexit. But you are25. even if the worst did happen and all U.K. citizens were returned on a boat in 2 years (Id be on the boat too) you could have have had a fab time working abroad for 1 or 2 years, possibly building up relevant career experience. Having worked abroad would never look bad on your cv (unless it was a coffee shop in Amsterdam or 10 years backpacking) and some jobs/organizations in particular could really differentiate you to future employers. At worst you could find out what you don't want to do. Of the top of my head the ECB do one year post grad internships (paid) you will probably still be eligible for, and you could also try looking at international organizations since they employ people from all around the world so visas aren't an issue should we need them in the future (try looking at the in jobs portal for ideas, their are in and in affiliated orgs all over Europe and the world with a wide range of jobs available. (The only downside is there is a bit of a culture of unpaid internships used as a way in which I think is slightly exploitative but there is sometimes funding available. It is also possible to get paid employment from the start.) I'm not saying you have to work abroad by the way, just that there are lots and lots of opportunities should you want to.

Oh yes, and interviews are something which you get better at with practice, the more you do the better you will be able to answer questions like that, and as a poster above says you can also practice, even asking someone you know (ideally a bit older with experience of the jobs market) to run mock interviews.

The interview was fucking awful. I didn't sell myself at all, and felt really intimidated to be honest. I think I came across as really straight-laced and boring, while the firm seems to very trendy, current and a bit cut-throat really. I just went to pieces in the interview and didn't express myself well at all - got very nervous and started rambling and not answering the questions at all. It was an absolute car crash.

This part of your post jumped out at me. When I was younger, I too would have beaten myself up over this sort of thing, but as I've aged, I try to consider interviews as a two way thing. They may be appraising me, but I am doing the same to them. Do I want to work for these people? Do I feel like I would be properly valued here? Would you really want to work there? They sound like assholes to me!

If you enjoyed university, is there a chance to return? Further study, or some kind of job? I rushed through everything when I was younger. If I could speak to my younger self, I'd tell me not to be in such a hurry.

Good luck with it all.

Wow thank you so much everyone Your advice has been absolutely amazing.

You're all absolutely spot-on as well - everything that I've learned about myself so far suggests I'm an introvert.

It's funny really that I'm drawn to jobs that are more suited to extroverts - I wonder if it's because the areas of work I've been interested in (journalism, PR, teaching) all have certain requirements that I think I would fit (e.g. an enjoyment of writing, working with people, making a difference, using languages) but the actual careers that I've mentioned and looked into aren't at all suited to my personality.

I was thinking earlier about the interview I had today - the best way that I can describe it is as if I was in an exam. They were asking questions and I was giving answers that I felt they wanted to hear (if that makes sense?)

I was just repeating stuff to them about their company from their website () that I'd learned. And when it came to them asking me why I wanted the job and to work with them, I had no idea what to say . I didn't really have any passion or conviction at all, and I think they could definitely see that. I think I knew deep down in the interview itself (and beforehand) that I wasn't a good fit for the company or the job (and they did as well!) I felt awful, as I didn't feel like I was being sincere or honest (or true to myself) in the interview.

If I'd got the job, I have a feeling that I would've just got more stressed and anxious because the work seems pretty fast-paced and demanding, and I think I would've really struggled to deal with that as well as trying to convince myself that I really wanted to be there and do that particular job. I would've definitely been wasting their time and mine. It was really useful interview practice though! And it turns out that I learned a lot about myself from it).

Also I could never face doing PR in a scary uber cool PR firm, but lots of organizations need press officers...

I had zero confidence at your age but I have learnt that most people can fake it with a bit of practice. Think about it as acting a part rather than being you. Good manners often get you part of the way there - things like being friendly to the receptionist when you arrive can really help - breeze in with a big smile and a "good morning" that sounds confident and it helps set you in the right frame of mind - might sound cheesy but it works. (BTW when I was recruiting I always asked my secretary and the receptionist for feedback - helped me weed out some arrogant little s**ts). It sounds hard but practice it in the mirror and on the ladies at the till in Sainsburys and before you know it you'll be able to give the interviewer a friendly smile and set the right mood for your interview. It stood me in good stead when I had a job interview in a very stuffy Oxford college - 16 people on the interview panel all on one side of the table and one chair for me on the other. Clearly meant to intimidate - I put on a big smile and said good morning and they all started shuffling around and not knowing what to say... but by then I was nearly twice your age and had acquired a bit of "front".

The other point is that you MUST do your homework before an interview - then you'll be more confident. Professional firms like PR agencies charge their staff out for shocking amounts of money so interview time is an investment of time that could otherwise be earning for the firm. In a city firm these days a one hour interview with a manager might well be £400+ of lost earnings. If you don't know what PR is go online and find out. Look at the firms website - the photos would show you that they are trendy - find out who their clients are -is there a field they specialise in - if so its an interview question to ask why? What is their selling point that distinguishes them from their competition - who are their competition? If you are given the name of your interviewer look them up - if they are not HR what do they do,how do they fit into the firm who are their clients etc.

In the meantime given you have two languages why not think about secretarial temping - there are plenty of agencies who are on the look out for people with language skills for secretarial and reception type posts and many aspiring and freelance journalists temp. In fact my very favourite temp who I always asked for was a Cambridge languages graduate who freelanced as a travel journalist - sometimes I got lucky and she was available and sometimes she was off on an all expenses paid -jolly- research trip.

At 25 and with language skills you are likely to be highly employable if you do your homework and fake the confidence.

Have you thought about the civil service? Politics, structured, a wide range of jobs, some of which allow you to just be an expert and not at all trendy, or PR-ish.

Never worked in local government but they deliver vast amounts of public services.

If you are interested in politics have you looked at the Civil Service. A couple of years in one of the departments or parliament will give you options. I know people who have gone from the Treasury into Government Relations for a big bank.

I wonder if you could do something like a press officer in an organisation like a University? I work at a University and they can be good places to work and gain experience. With your language skills an International office type post might be good.
Plus, only now in my 40s do I feel self confident - cause I am old and evil now and don't care about stuff so much. It's hard in your 20s, it really is. Plus you sound lovely and thoughtful.

Epic x post

Try not to worry too much, and keep up with the positive actions you're taking like the counselling and career guidance. And there are lots of positives in your life, good uni friends, good degree etc. I still feel pretty much as you do, and I'm more than 20 years older! I used to look forward to the point when I would be 'grown up' a mythical destination where I would lose my shyness and become confident and outgoing, clear in my ambitions etc. It never happened!! But I did get married (met dh when I was about 29, first relationship) and I did finally get a job (when I was about 26). Selling myself in a CV and managing an interview were things I never mastered, but I got a work experience through a post grad course, where I was able to prove myself over a few months and they gave me a job. I've never moved jobs and the prospect terrifies me. I think you should try not and be too hard on yourself, and try not to feel like you need to completely sort out every aspect of your life in one go. Could you get a different flat when your contract runs out? Is it important that you get a driving licence or is that something you could just decide you won't do? Not everyone drives. If you want to live in London a car isn't necessary at all. Do you know anyone who might be able to help you get a start in a company, even just for some temp work? Just to help build up your confidence, populate your CV and give you some ideas about what sort of work you like or don't like.

I seem a lot more confident than I feel but that's because I'm old and I've run out of fucks

Me too perhaps you need some life experience, there's no need to step on the gravy train. Volunteer abroad, become a humanitarian, start your own business.

As far as interviews go, the best thing is practice. Google all the likely questions and prepare answers and go over them a hundred times. I don't like to think of it as selling myself, just showing the best of myself in an honest way.

I recently went to an interview & they asked me what team work means to me (honestly 99% of questions are so predictable & therefore you can prepare). I got about half way through my reply & lost my train of thought I said I'm so sorry I'm nervous & my minds gone blank. They didn't mind & carried on & I got the job!

I know you said counselling wasn't much good which I thought until recently too, but I've found the most brilliant counsellor who really picks apart & explains my past & what I'm saying. It's such a relief after sitting opposite a string of counsellors just saying hmm and tell me more etc It's like I'm finding my way out of the muddle. Or life coaching?