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AIBU?

to not take DS to his 'birthday party'

68 replies

IzzyHarvey · 21/07/2017 10:53

This is potentially very outing so I will keep it as vague as possible!

DS is turning 2 on Saturday, my parents offered to have his party at their house as they have a large garden and we live in a small flat. I was very grateful and organised a small get together with immediate family (mine & DPs sisters/brothers their children and a few of our close friends with DCs his age).

DS was born extremely premature and has suffered multiple complications because of this particularly with his chest and lungs. He was hospitilised a month back with a chest infection as his lungs cannot cope very well even with a cold. This is the reason I have kept it small to avoid lots of germs/people and my mother knows this.

She first asked if I could invite her brothers, their children (my cousins) and both sets of my grandparents. These are people who don't see DS regularly so he won't get mucu out of them being there other than the increase in numbers/added stress. I explained this and my mother agreed and backed down.

She has now told me she has organised a seperate party for us the weekend after with all of these people and more and is guilt tripping me into bringing DS. I really don't know if IABU because its lovely she cares enough to do this and great that DS has a big extended family who want to celebrate with us but having not one but two relatively big parties with the risk of them making him unwell again is making me anxious and I don't want to go!

OP posts:
Whosthemummynow · 21/07/2017 10:56

Honestly I think you are being a bit U.

Do you take DS to the supermarket? Or the park? I understand the anxiety but there is more risk of him catching germs from normal everyday places

mikeyssister · 21/07/2017 10:59

Why don't you wait and see how DS copes with the first party before you start worrying about the second.

And explain exactly that to your DM

RhubardGin · 21/07/2017 10:59

I understand that you're anxious, what an awful time that must have been!

Although I think you are being a tiny bit unreasonable.

Your DS needs to build up his immune system and you can't protect him from germs forever.

He could catch a bug from strangers in the street and when he starts school he'll be surrounded by hundreds of pupils everyday that could pass on everything under the sun.

I think you should take him to both parties and not let your fears take over.

But I say all this in the nicest way Smile

DressedCrab · 21/07/2017 11:01

YABU. You need to calm down a bit about his health or you will be a nervous wreck when he starts school.

RhubardGin · 21/07/2017 11:03

Whosthemummynow

^^ this

toosexyforyahshirt · 21/07/2017 11:05

Unless he lives at home in a bubble there is no more risk at a family party than there is anywhere else. You need to chill.

kali110 · 21/07/2017 11:07


Unless he lives at home in a bubble there is no more risk at a family party than there is anywhere else. You need to chill.

This.
You're going to be nervous but what happens when he starts nursery or school?
Does he go to the shops?
He has to come into contact with people eventually.

mohuzivajehi · 21/07/2017 11:08

That's a bit infuriating behaviour from your mum.

Play it by ear a bit, see how he copes with the first party.

On the day of the second party you if he can cope with it you can minimise it by arriving late and leaving early - just put in an appearance but don't need to be there the whole time. But if he's not up to it then don't go, they can't force you.

IzzyHarvey · 21/07/2017 11:33

I know he does have to come into contact with some germs but school is something he needs to do, and when the time comes he will have a special care plan at school and possibly a TA to ensure certain things that he can't do, and limit the germs in other situations.

Obviously I can't protect him from everything but I don't see what good having two days surrounded by a big group is really. When my mother mentioned the second party I did say that there was a reason I wanted to keep the party small and having a second (bigger) party defeats the object of that nevermind the fact its not really 'for' DS as he will be the only child there. But I can't push it too much because she has been hugely helpful in the first place and I know it hasn't been done to be unkind.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/07/2017 11:35

Surely people won't come if they aren't well? So there won't be much of a risk? I would imagine a supermarket would be a greater risk.

IzzyHarvey · 21/07/2017 11:38

I do food shopping online for this reason Wolfie I only go to the supermarket occasionally with him if somethings forgotten or when DP is home and I can go alone.

OP posts:
Jaynesworld · 21/07/2017 11:39

Could you give your mum some ground rules for party number two. Such as no admittance with colds/sniffles etc. No touching your ds and regular handwashing.

Wolfiefan · 21/07/2017 11:40

But he goes out to do shoe shopping etc?
I understand the anxiety as I had an immunocompromised toddler whose kidneys stopped working every time he was ill. But this seems more like you are being anxious rather than a sensible judgement on a realistic risk.

mikeyssister · 21/07/2017 11:53

Have you had many parties @Wolfiefan??

My best friend always rang before a party if one of hers had vomited so I could make a decision based on the facts, unfortunately an awful lot of people are not so considerate.

IzzyHarvey · 21/07/2017 11:59

Yes I mean obviously I don't stay indoors with him 24/7 although I'd like to
and he does do day to day things that germs are around but I generally try to keep it all to a minimum.

I think my anxiety is probably playing a part here you are right, last year for his 1st birthday we just had the grandparents round for tea so stretching to a party this year is quite a big step in letting him live a little but the extra party is just pushing it for me Sad

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/07/2017 12:02

I hope few parents would bring a vomiting child to a party. But this is a party of adults who know this child is vulnerable. Surely no one will turn up unwell.
Yes we have had parties. Even an immunocompromised child needs to continue to live. Take reasonable precautions and listen to consultants. But don't stop living.

HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 21/07/2017 12:02

I think you're being a little unrealistic about the suppprt he will get at school tbh.

IzzyHarvey · 21/07/2017 12:06

Honey without going into details, his doctor has explained how things will work once he is in school and due to his condition (which will be life long) he will have an educational plan.

The main problems in regards to people being unwell is more respiritory, and many people still don't understand that them having a sniffle or a dry cough could make him really unwell, we had this problem at christmas with a family member who turned up coughing and just said he wouldn't get too close to DS and DS was hospitilised then too on oxygen.

OP posts:
MommaGee · 21/07/2017 12:08

OP is he on any sort of long term antibiotics of he's prone to chest infections and hospitalizations?

One of the things that made me relax a bit with DS who has CLD and is on o2and numerous rehospilations etc was the reality of sitting in PAU or A&E, of having numerous nurses and cleaners and doctors and students in and out of our room. Countless hospital consultant appointments sitting in a waiting room with a load of other kids.

He's too old to play pass the parcel with so it should be easy to keep him near to you even if he's mobile.
Make it clear he doesn't like kisses if he's not verbal enough to say no.

It has to be your call but having a loving big family desperate to get to know your son isn't a bad thing x

Sirzy · 21/07/2017 12:14

I can fullly see where you are coming from, but in the nicest possible way you are being unreasonable. Are you getting help for your anxiety?

I can see where you are coming from, ds is a brittle asthmatic and has a host of other lung (and other) related issues too. This is going to be his life for life so I have tried very hard to hide my anxiety and encourage him to be as "normal" as possible. I want him to be able to look back on his childhood and have lots of happy memories not just memories of being stuck inside or constant appointments.

It's hard and it's horrible for us as parents but it has to be done! Sadly we can't wrap them in cotton wool

beggingbehind · 21/07/2017 12:19

I can understand the anxiety i really can! One of my DS's was born at 26 weeks, little mite was a fighter though. He was (still is really immunosuppressed) we spent the first 4 years of his life protecting him from everything, we rarely took him shopping no park nothing. This caused its own problems latter on, he wasn't as socialised when school did start and we didn't 'build up his immune system'. We realised that we couldn't rap him up in bubble rap for his whole life as eventually he'll take control of it so for his sake we needed to help him with that. If you don't feel up to the second party now thats fine, but just remember that eventually there will be another 'second party' (in the metaphorical sense) that you will need to send him to. Better to do it sooner. Also just to make you aware that at school he may not get the support you want him to, i say this from experience of my DS and other DC's i know of (prem and other disabilities) the funding just isnt there. He will probebery have a school action plus plan though

Voiceforreason · 21/07/2017 12:29

Not sure how a TA in school can reduce exposure to germs other than the obvious frequent hand washing and wiping tables with antibacterial wipes? Fact is, germs are often airborne.

Hissy · 21/07/2017 12:39

it won't always be like this OP.

All kids are susceptible at first, but they do get stronger every single day..

Yesterday I saw a great big 11 year old participate in a Year 6 End of Term/School production.

Had she had held out until she was due to be born, she would be still very much in Year 5.

She had an appalling start, and was tiny for years, but now she towers over her teacher. I know you can't see this, as it's all still so raw, but you will get your little one through this and it will be OK.

Being premature does not mean that your child will need anything other than the usual support at school. The school will absolutely not limit numbers/proximity for a child unless there is a clear stated documented reason why they should.

Take the child to the parties, it will be OK. Just make sure that the child has enough sleep in the lead-up and afterwards so that they are as fit as they can be and the immune system has as much oomph as it can.

vikingprincess81 · 21/07/2017 12:53

I get why you're concerned OP. I know you can't wrap him up in cotton wool, but you can take reasonable measures to keep him well. I see you've mentioned an educational plan at school, in conjunction with the doctor, which suggests the need for measures to be in place, it's not just about him being a preemie.
It's no wonder you're anxious, and I wonder if you have support for that?
It's hard going having a dc with a chronic condition Flowers as well as all the usual stresses and strains of being Mum, have an unmumsnetty hug

Hissy · 21/07/2017 12:56

doesn't always mean your child will need more support

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