to not take DS to his 'birthday party'

[IzzyHarvey]

This is potentially very outing so I will keep it as vague as possible!

DS is turning 2 on Saturday, my parents offered to have his party at their house as they have a large garden and we live in a small flat. I was very grateful and organised a small get together with immediate family (mine & DPs sisters/brothers their children and a few of our close friends with DCs his age).

DS was born extremely premature and has suffered multiple complications because of this particularly with his chest and lungs. He was hospitilised a month back with a chest infection as his lungs cannot cope very well even with a cold. This is the reason I have kept it small to avoid lots of germs/people and my mother knows this.

She first asked if I could invite her brothers, their children (my cousins) and both sets of my grandparents. These are people who don't see DS regularly so he won't get mucu out of them being there other than the increase in numbers/added stress. I explained this and my mother agreed and backed down.

She has now told me she has organised a seperate party for us the weekend after with all of these people and more and is guilt tripping me into bringing DS. I really don't know if IABU because its lovely she cares enough to do this and great that DS has a big extended family who want to celebrate with us but having not one but two relatively big parties with the risk of them making him unwell again is making me anxious and I don't want to go!

I can understand your anxiety. Take it one gentle step at a time.

I don't think YBU with worrying, necessarily, as I take it big togethers are not a regular occurrence for DS?
I still think you should go and see how you get on. Extended family can always make a difference to children where available, even if they don't see them much right now. Could you ask for there to be a separate 'quiet area' you could take ds for some space if it gets too much? I think it would also be good for both of you, as in the future 'busy' settings may be unavoidable/unexpected and this atleast gives you a chance to see how you can manage the situation, if that makes sense.

Awwwwwwwwww OP Here's a ((((((((((((big Hug))))))))))))

As someone said above. Get through the first party, then decide on the second

My DC used to go to an communication skills class for developmentally delayed children when they were 2. One of the little girls there was similar to your DS, born premature and liable to wind up in hospital after getting a simple cold because it would lead to RSV.

We were told to not come to the class if the children had a cold as it could be dangerous to her and were told what symptoms to watch out for. She didn't get a cold from coming to the class and there were about 15 toddlers playing with her for a couple of hours each week.

Can you ask your mother to inform all the guests that they should not attend the party if they have a cold or other infection to avoid your son becoming very sick? Also tell her that if it looks as if someone has ignored this you'll be taking your DS straight home.

As far as I know the girl's mother wasn't too worried about school later on as she was hoping her child's lungs would get past reacting to infections in such a serious way as she got older.

IzzyHarvey YANBU to want to control where your son goes and who he mixes with and to be angry with your mum for putting you in this unwelcome position.

Yes, extended family is all very nice but he is not making memories at 2, he won't remember this in years to come so for him the benefits are limited. Of course an ongoing relationship with family members is good, but it doesn't have to start with a big family party.

In terms of his likelihood to actually get ill, it is really hard to know if you are being unreasonable as I have no idea what doctors have said. If they have told you to limit attendance at parties etc then you are totally not being unreasonable. I'd ask the professionals and get guidance.

The fact he was hospitalized before due to contact with a sick person does really show that your fears could be true. You need manage his condition and your own fears, and also to be able to defend your/doctor's 'rules', especially when challenged by people like your mum.

Can you trust your mum to pass on the message to every single relative? If not, I'd say I would like to get their email addresses and email them just so they know what your ds's condition is. I'd include the no sniffs and colds thing and no hugging/kissing.

I think you do need to have a serious chat with your mum. Your son is not 'something/someone' she can show off to relatives (much as I totally understand her desire to do so). Her access to her grandson is through you and pulling these kind of unwelcome stunts is going to end up limiting her contact with your ds because you will not trust her. It sounds kind, throwing two family parties. BUT it isn't, because you already said you did not want a big family party. So you are well within your rights to bow out of the second one if you choose.

OP, I hope your son has a lovely birthday

I have a friend with a child who has cystic fibrosis. Thankfully he is doing well and generally in good health. She told me about a time when he was little and a neighbour came to visit with her daughter who was coughing and sneezing, blithe to the dangers. She just asked them to leave. End of visit.

Rather than fear the worst, can you try to expect the best, but prepare to stand up and leave, or cancel at short notice. It takes balls and resolve, but it is better than trying to second-guess what-ifs, and fingers crossed it will all work out.

I wish you all well, and good health.

Build up immunity ffs I think many people don't understand that some children don't "build up immunity" through a cold etc as their body simple doesn't have the capacity to cope it with it. If you can't cough (been there) you can't remove flem etc and It builds and makes you very ill. It's bad enough for an adult but for a small child it is very dangerous.
Unless you haven't spend time with a child like this you might not know but it is not being precious to keep them away from infection. It won't help them in any way to have the infection the normal rules of being exposed and making stronger do not apply - they become weakened and more susceptible to further infection making them even sicker. It is not precious to not want them hospitalised when they don't need to be.

& yes school is a massive problem - I only know about the above due a child at my DC pre-school who starts school this year. We have kept our DC away from preschool when they have a cold so they don't pass it on but can't do this at school and really don't know what will happen. There is really no advantage to this child getting ill just months of hospital.

coukd you ask your mum to hold the party a few weeks later? Give a bit of recovery time? & as awkward as it is she must tell people not to come if they are ill and make it very clear. If she won't do this don't go.

I do think she is a bit out of order if she didn't ask first, even if it is at her house.

I think in the nicest possible way that it's your anxiety you need to deal with rather than anything else. Not letting him see his great grandparents for his birthday is extreme. They won't be around forever and having a relationship with them and memories with them will be SO important to your ds.

I have a child with a chronic condition and I know a few parents through a support group who are hugely overprotective. They minimise risk at the expense of their child living a normal life. I see my job as a parent as being to manage the anxiety and take the worry for my child so that he can enjoy the experiences available to him.

I think you're going to have to manage your expectations re school too. My child doesn't have a TA and the condition involves several crises a day that could be life threatening as well as handling medication that could kill if managed wrongly. She does have a medical care plan but it's very much focused on keeping her the same as the others and not singling her out. Her teacher is trained re medication but apart from that there is no special provision and funding for 1:1 is being cut all the time.

But what exactly is the value of great grand parents? All relatives may have some value but if they are not going to be around for long really what 'relationship' do you think a two year is going to have with them?

Seriously? Like, actually, seriously?

Obviously I can't protect him from everything but I don't see what good having two days surrounded by a big group is really.
Really? Getting to know his extended family is not a good thing?

I understand your anxiety, but it needs to be reasonable. How about taking him to his GP and asking whether it would be ok to do, and maybe tell your mother to ask any member with signs of a coming infection not to come?

Could you speak to his doctor op, put your mind at rest? Would the doctor really advise you to behave in the protective way you are do you think? I'd also be the exact same, but it doesn't mean it's right for any of you. I'd speak to his doctor, if he says your child should be protected to this extreme then don't go, if he or she says it's fine just ask folks with colds not to come, then force yourself to go.

You're behaving with instincts to protect. It's completely natural. So don't worry about that, just speak to the doctor and try to force logic in too.

Gosh Italian, I can't believe you posted that about the GGPs

My GM died at 88. My DC talk about her regularly. Smallest was 3 when she died. I am very willing to accept that DC2 may not "remember" her but she has very very fond & loving "memories" of her GGM. As do I of mine, who died when I was 7.

The sheer pleasure both fit from each other (GGM and my small DC) was HUGE. I am welling up just thinking of it. I came on this thread to ask OP in fact if she'd reconsider inviting the GGPs to the first gathering, so that the second might be scrapped altogether. Those older folk will so love bing a (small) part of that little toddlers life.

My GM lit up when my DC were around and indulged them ridiculously - biscuits, sweets, cuddles, telling me all about her memories of myself and my siblings when we were that age, and how she felt when she was a new mother and my mum was a baby.

Extended family are a huge blessing.

toosexyforyahshirt yes seriously, I never met my great grand parents and I don't feel the loss of not knowing them. I met my granddad when I was a baby, so no memory of that, other granddad died long before I was born. I had one grandmother who died when I was 11 and another who died when I was 15. I had a relationship with grandmother and it was fine. Do I feel a loss at not knowing my grandfathers or great grandparents, no I don't. If your kids see their grandparents or great grandparents regularly and have a great relationship, that is fabulous for them.

But it does not sound like this is the case. This won;t be making memories for the child as he is only two. So if it puts his health at risk, I cannot see the value of it. If you can, fine. It will be the OP's decision.

For the record I can see that grandparents and great grandparents get huge value from meeting the next generation but that is not what we are talking about we are talking about the value of the relationship to the child.

I think one poster said something alluding to the fact that great grandparents would not be around for a long time, so my point was that it is not going to be an ongoing relationship for the child.

I took my child see his grandmother in a care home. He really disliked it. She was too ill to really have an on-going relationship with him. That is a sadness for me but not for him.

Swing "Getting to know his extended family is not a good thing?" How much getting to know people do you think a two year old can do? He is not even two and a bit or almost three, he is turning two. This could be an exciting day for him, true, it could be fun. But it won't be getting to know relatives in the way a 5 or 10 or 15 year could, IMHO.

Totally agree with Bluntness speak to doctor to see what is advisable.

NoSquirrels "Gosh Italian, I can't believe you posted that about the GGPs." I am sorry if I upset you, it was not my intention to do so.

"My GM died at 88. My DC talk about her regularly. Smallest was 3 when she died. I am very willing to accept that DC2 may not "remember" her but she has very very fond & loving "memories" of her GGM. As do I of mine, who died when I was 7." That's great for you and your kids. Of course. If it is important for you all, great. As i say my Great grandparents and half my grandparents were gone before I was 2 so I was not really in the position you or your kids were in.

"The sheer pleasure both fit from each other (GGM and my small DC) was HUGE. I am welling up just thinking of it." That's lovely for you.

"My GM lit up when my DC were around and indulged them ridiculously - biscuits, sweets, cuddles, telling me all about her memories of myself and my siblings when we were that age, and how she felt when she was a new mother and my mum was a baby. "
Yes I can see and have said how beneficial it is for older people. But I was speaking of the child. If you have had these great experiences, that is fab, but you cannot assume all people will have them, or will miss them if they do not have them.

"Extended family are a huge blessing." It has been for you, which is fabulous, as I say, it's not necessarily everyone's experience.

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I do see the value in him seeing his extended family and we do visit the great grandparents but up until now we do avoid big family events and we mainly just go over for dinner etc. I don't see what DS will get out of having two parties, he will be the only child at the second party and it is mainly for the adults to see him around his birthday.

Perhaps i should add that I would love to have more contact with wider family, but it is not practical. I would make they effort but we are very dispersed and uncles and aunts etc are quite elderly now.

I have managed to make an urban family of local friends who are special to me and my kids and we are very close. I guess for me biological or family links are not always so important. Our son is adopted so biology has no real significance for me.

Just in case you have all got me pegged as a heartless bastard! Which, I am not.

DS had his "first" party today and had a lovely time. My mother asked about the second party and if we were still coming, I said we would but that if DS became poorly in between we wouldnt and reminded her to ask everyone not to come if poorly. I also asked her not to do something like this again as it had upset me a bit as I explained to her my wanting to have a small get together and that having two seperate days defeats the object of that.

That's good news OP. I am not saying there is no value in relationships but just that his health needs to come first.

Glad he had a good time

PS I thought that he was going to see GGps only at party, did not know it was ongoing.

I think I have offend people with this post so have asked if it could please be removed. I actually do love being around family, but my family is quite small so GGP are not part of my experience, but clearly have upset some!

Thats my thoughts entirely italian, his health needs to come first. His doctor has always told us to avoid busy places where possible, crowded areas and places like doctors waiting rooms etc. but obviously we have to balance this for him to live life ti the full so I generally try to balance things, i.e. going to the park IS crowded but as DS has a brilliant time it is worth the risk and we avoid busy times.

This party it seems the risk outweighs the benefit as DS wont get much out of an afternoon round his grandparents with lots of adults around.

I think you've handled this well OP.
We're in a similar situation and people just don't get it. Exposing an immunosuppressed child with poor lungs to people with colds won't build up their immune systems, it will potentially make them very poorly.

I hope your mum took it ok.

Given that no-one here knows the specifics of your son's medical condition, I think it's a bit presumptuous of some posters to tell OP she is being over anxious. OP, you know your son best and what he can deal with. Not your mum, not your extended family and certainly not anyone on here. Follow your own instincts and do what's best for your son. His health is far more important than a party he won't remember. And unfortunately, however much people are told not to come when ill, there is always one who thinks they are the exception, and their cough/sniffles/sickness bug isn't THAT bad so it'll be fine.