to not take DS to his 'birthday party'

[IzzyHarvey]

This is potentially very outing so I will keep it as vague as possible!

DS is turning 2 on Saturday, my parents offered to have his party at their house as they have a large garden and we live in a small flat. I was very grateful and organised a small get together with immediate family (mine & DPs sisters/brothers their children and a few of our close friends with DCs his age).

DS was born extremely premature and has suffered multiple complications because of this particularly with his chest and lungs. He was hospitilised a month back with a chest infection as his lungs cannot cope very well even with a cold. This is the reason I have kept it small to avoid lots of germs/people and my mother knows this.

She first asked if I could invite her brothers, their children (my cousins) and both sets of my grandparents. These are people who don't see DS regularly so he won't get mucu out of them being there other than the increase in numbers/added stress. I explained this and my mother agreed and backed down.

She has now told me she has organised a seperate party for us the weekend after with all of these people and more and is guilt tripping me into bringing DS. I really don't know if IABU because its lovely she cares enough to do this and great that DS has a big extended family who want to celebrate with us but having not one but two relatively big parties with the risk of them making him unwell again is making me anxious and I don't want to go!

Your argument now seems to shift into thinking he won't benefit from the second party. I find that a bit odd.
I agree completely about managing risk. We would avoid soft play for instance but would go out on his scooter. It wouldn't occur to me to avoid adult members of our own family though. I would expect them to understand enough to stay away if they were ill at all. I still wonder how much is a cold reasoning of the risks and how much is your anxiety. (and I know what it is to be worried about a child. Trust me!!)

itscurtains I am sorry you are in a similar situation, I hope your DC is doing okay.

My DM didn't take it particuarly well, she looked a bit taken back and said I agreed to coming to the party now and I don't have to be long but that people want to see him around his birthday, I just explained that I've talked to her before about how these things are hard for us to make and she knows I avoid other big functions for this reason. I will go to the party next weekend but just for a few hours and will leave if DS isn't up to it or anyone turns up unwell.

Up to now we have had great difficulty stopping people seeing DS when unwell, despite his hospital admissions. Most do tell us when they are really unwell but still we have family/friends who will sniffle/cough and say they 'think' it is just hayfever

People are so used to getting on with things if they have a cold etc that they don't realise the impact on others.

Winter is the worst time for us, but every cold/virus turns into an infection requiring antibiotics - he's just finishing a course now. Having spent so long in hospital, seeing him back in hospital on oxygen/breathing support is hellish.

Hope it goes ok and germ-free.

OP I am sorry your mum doesn't seem to get it.

I think the party and people wanting to see you around his birthday is just unfair when you have made it clear this is problematic for your son.

It's perfectly possible to pursue the wider family relationships at smaller gatherings.

I really was not meaning it is not important to know family but a party is often a bad way to talk to people, you get a few moments with each person so it is not such a good way to build up relationships.

Our son is adopted and we were really delighted when wider family members came to his dedication (like a baptism). I was so pleased people were willing to come so far, and it was the first time some family members met our son. But then I was totally in control and choose to have this over 8 months after he joined our family because we were told big family parties (or any parties) were not good too early on.

This is not for the same reasons as your son, of course, but they were still about his benefit and him getting to know us really well before being introduced to all and sundry.

Luckily, for me, I was able to be in control of when our son met my his grandparents, and my closest relative, my sister, then her family, etc etc. To have had this taken away and things organised for him would have been very annoying. I know it is a totally different reason but I really feel for you because I would not like it.

Don't worry, Italian - you've explained your post, I get it. Just don't like to think older people are excluded from life and relationships because "it's of no benefit to the DC".
All of life is a balancing act, and to me excluding GGPs from a small family gathering and relegating them to party 2 seemed unkind - fair enough not wanting every cousin, uncle, aunt etc too but there probably aren't even 4 extra people in the GGPs.

OP, your mum is being overbearing and should listen to your wishes, but she's obviously struggling to understand your point of view for whatever reason. Summer gatherings are going to be better than winter ones at least (more fresh air/less cooped in one place/less colds etc going around) so at least your DSs birthday is at a good time of year!

Re-reading your OP, I am going to offer you your DM's point of view:

"I'm hosting DGS's party. DD has invited all her friends and their DC, but most of our family aren't invited - her DGPs for example would love to be included but DD has said no as she doesn't want lots of people around DGS as he is immune compromised. I do understand that - lots of people at once in a big crowd aren't a good idea, so instead I have organised another small gathering for just our extended family a week later. Now DD is saying she's not happy and won't come - but it's another small gathering, so I don't see what the difference is to coming to the first one. It feels like she can't be bothered to bring DGS if there aren't children coming too - but children are often the germiest! Her DGPs and other older relatives would love to see DHS and family gatherings are important to me - AIBU to feel a bit hurt by her attitude? It seems it was OK when it suited them, but not now."

I realise this probably wasn't your intention- you are looking out for your DS, you need to do that of course, no question. But there doesn't seem to be a difference between the first and second party in terms of risk, and perhaps you have underestimated how important your DM feels including the extended family is. She shouldn't take over - he is your DS - but I think you've both just failed to understand where the other is coming from.

In regard to it only being 4 extras, if I invited my GPs, I would also have to invite DPs so it would be 8 GPs, it would add extra people to worry about in the party as they wont be able to partake in any of the childrens activities in the garden and they would almost certainly mention it to other family members.

NoSquirrels I hadn't invited all of my friends though, just 3 close ones with similar aged children, and all of both sides of immediate family, so my DS's aunties, uncles and cousins. I have excluded great aunties, great uncles and GGPs as there are two sets of those on both sides. The gathering shes planned has more people and having two small gatherings is practically the same as one big one in terms of the germs, I wouldn't normally have planned a gathering at all, I had only done so to celebrate his birthday.

I'm just offering you an outsider's point of view of what your mum might be feeling.

Two gatherings doesn't increase the risk - each gathering has its own risk, but in doing it twice yes it is two occasions when I suppose you usually never have any. But because you've agreed to one party, then it does seem over anxious and a bit exclusionary- that it is OK for your set of friends & relatives but not extended family important to your DM.

I'm not saying you should risk your DS's health come hell or high water, but just that perhaps you could consider how it appears to your DM. Depends on whether you view things as being only of "benefit" to your DS, or of being of "benefit" to your community/family as a whole. I've certainly shown up to stuff my DC wouldn't necessarily enjoy because it's important in a more general sense.

Again - I don't doubt your DM has come at it in a bit of an overbearing fashion, but I think you're not appreciating how it looks from her point of view. Sure it's nothing a bit of communication can't fix.

Hope your DS continues in good health and I'm glad he enjoyed first party!

My DD had multiple health issues and a life limiting condition - she was prone to chest infections. Whilst we did not avoid gatherings we wouldn't knowingly put her near someone who had a cough/cold.Most people we knew were sensible enough to avoid her if they were ill. I say most - as one mother brought her DC into contact with DD when one of her kids had chicken pox (he was at home) but there was a high chance the other was about to come out in spots - which he did the next day and DD also got it.

Your DS needs to build up his immunity and he won't do that by avoiding everyday sitiuations When he goes to nursery/school he will be in contact with every virus/bug going - it's what happens when children start in these settings - they are constantly ill. He needs to be prepared - and so do you.

You need to let him live as normal a life as possible whilst taking sensible precautions eg making sure others know the dangers of coming near him if they are ill, not letting others kiss him, good hand hygiene etc.,

bigbluebus "Your DS needs to build up his immunity and he won't do that by avoiding everyday sitiuations When he goes to nursery/school he will be in contact with every virus/bug going - it's what happens when children start in these settings - they are constantly ill."

Do you know that the OP's child needs to build up his 'immunity' in this way?

This is why I don't let anyone else organise my children's parties.

To be honest, I don't think that the main issue here is your son's compromised immunity. Yes obviously it is a very big factor in why you are feeling anxious, but I think there is a problem with your mum assuming control of the party(ies) because they are being held at her house. Does your mum normally disregard your feelings about things to do with your son?

I think you may have to grin and bear this year (and watch everyone like a hawk for sniffles etc) and resolve that you will not allow your mum to be involved in organising any parties again. ANd I would explain to her why - her inability to respect your wishes regarding your son's health is not ok.

Well how else do you think it happens italian. That is why children in nursery and infant classes are constantly ill with every cough cold and bug going around but are ill a lot less as they grow up as they have built up immunity surely.

bigbluebus how do I think what? How do I think children with imunology issues stay well? No idea. It's not something I have had to face, thankfully.

But this child does have a compromised immune system so I would take profession advice. I would not simply expose them to stuff on the hope it builds them up.

My kids went to nursery and are at school and were not constantly ill.

I've even heard of people purposely exposing their kids to chicken pox! Personally, I'd rather read up or take medical advice. I chose to have my son vaccinated against chicken pox. Each child is different and I have no idea what is best for the OP's child, but I think she does.

I think your feelings are perfectly reasonable.

I wouldn't want this sort of party announced to me (aunts, uncles, cousins, who your DS barely knows, would be coming along etc) for my dc's 2nd birthday; she doesn't even have the health problems your DS does. It sounds like a bit of a circus tbh and not really for the benefit of your DS, who won't remember it. It is very nice that they're interested, but parties aren't really the best place to get to know a toddler are they? They usually get ignored by everyone but their parents and grandparents ime, unless there are other children there, which you have said there won't be. If they need an excuse for a party, maybe your mum could host a summer drinks party or something instead?

I can't really comment on the health implications, as I don't really know what they are. So I won't!

I do understand where my mother is coming from, and I can see it from her perspective, but in my opinion I have based DS's party around his best interests. It upsets me all the time that we have to make allowances for these things and that having a big party with everyone is off the table. Thats why I tried to be fair in having both sides of mine and DPs family in his immediate circle. This meant DS got to see the main people in his life, and also have a 'normal' birthday.

The second party is largely around what my DM wants, it will be more of an adults tea party, catering for the older generation (who constantly ask if he's 'better' yet) while DS will probably be bored with no one to play with while being exposed to 10-15 adults who could potentially bring bugs.

I think I have learnt my lesson in having the party at her house as its kind of held me to ransom for the second, I will have next years at home I think!

Damned right have the parties at your house! It will give you a much greater sense of security. You'll be more chilled about things I think

Good luck

DN had chronic lung disease due to prematurity - DSis was told to stay away from large gatherings, every cold for the first 4 years led to hospitalisation for intravenous fluids. It WASN'T a case of having to build up immunity, it was letting the lungs reach a state of maturity to cope with infection.

OP, you probably know better than anyone else - do what you think is right. Being in hospital with a little one who is struggling to breathe is heart wrenching.