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AIBU?

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Original poster

To try and find a way of telling my friend she has made a mistake getting a dog?

56 replies

PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/07/2017 10:48

I board dogs, and also walk dogs. I have two border collies, who I love and have put in the hours and effort you need (and we have had issues with the younger one especially - both are rescue.) Due to the type of dogs I have, and now from experience of looking after many different other breeds, I am very confident with regards to what they need and take a lot of pride in it.

A very good friend has, on the basis of my two, also got herself a border collie (she didn't tell me until afterwards, and said it was because 'they are easy to train.')

I am now looking after this dog while she is on holiday for a fortnight. Until now, I had not seen her with the dog at all (the dog is now nearly 18 months old) so had no idea of it's behaviour.

She talks animatedly about the training she has done, but I am now suspecting this is more a case of her telling me what she thinks I might want to hear. Her son has told me that the dog isn't always walked, sometimes (as he is sitting is GCSE's) they 'don't have time so just throw a ball in the garden.') The dog pulls on the lead, has clearly very limited socialisation (not much idea of how to behave with other dogs, he either snarls or goes nuts), and does lots of irritating things like jumping up constantly.

I have mentioned via text a few of these issues and she has repeatedly pointed out 'he is just a puppy' or 'it's like looking after a naughty toddler, he'll be better when he is older'. She thinks the jumping up is cute 'because its like he hasn't seen me for years', and the constant whining or barking is met with 'a stroke or a treat' to stop it. The dog has chewed it's bed - it's one of those plastic oval one's with the higher sides - and cannot be left for long in the house without anything chewable being moved out of the way.

Her son does a lot of competitive swimming so they often take the dog along (as he cannot be left in the house) but left in the car but taken out for occasional loo breaks. He has walks on a long lead 'so he can sniff about' but she won't often take him off lead due to his recall. She appears to think this will resolve as he gets older.

This is a good friend of mine who I know well. I think she will be in denial that she has made a mistake, and wouldn't want to lose face, but I also think she needs to address the issues she has created before they get even worse. Or she needs to rehome asap before they get any worse.

I am dreading saying something but I also think I will regret it if I say nothing as its not the dog's fault. The dog is not 'just a puppy' or 'a bit loopy' and these issues will only get worse if things carry on as they are.

Or do I just butt out and leave her to come to whatever conclusion on her own?

OP posts:
WineAndTiramisu · 21/07/2017 10:58

Could you suggest puppy training courses? She may take advice from someone else better then from you? Would also help with socialisation.

I think whatever you say she'll take it the wrong way I'm afraid...

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/07/2017 11:01

I think you might be right, about taking it the wrong way.

She has said she hasn't time for puppy classes (not that the dog is actually a puppy any more) but did stuff at home. It came up when I was mentioning dog walkers (she lives 10 miles from me and I know someone who does dog walking in her area) and I added how it was good for socialisation, like puppy classes are.

Its very frustrating !

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 21/07/2017 11:01

Stupid woman for getting a border collie and not being prepared to look after it properly. I think you'll have to say something.

ThymeLord · 21/07/2017 11:05

I couldn't keep quiet for the sake of the dog, but that's just me.

If she doesn't deal with this very quickly she is going to end up with a highly neurotic dog. Hopefully, if you have a good friendship, she will understand why you are saying what you say.

CaptainHarville · 21/07/2017 11:07

I would chat to her. They are lovely dogs but you have to be dedicated to their welfare as they're so demanding. My neighbours had collies and even with acres of space, time and attention they all had quirks as they're a challenging breed. I would chat to her about how difficult they are as a breed to keep happy and healthy. Maybe it will help her realise her mistake.

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/07/2017 11:25

Thanks for the replies.

At the moment I suspect she is in denial about what she has done. She makes excuses for everything the dog does, saying it is because he is very young Etc. She does know how much time and effort my own dogs take up, and she has been with me quite a lot with my own dogs, but appears to be unable to see that she will have to approach her own in a similar way.

OP posts:
DefinitelyOdd · 21/07/2017 11:35

My friend once 'randomly' decided to get herself a dog. So she went to the dog rescue and got herself a collie/lurcher cross. This dog had been previously living on a farm and was used to being out and about for the entire day. The dog was also socially anxious, fear agressive towards males and other animals and to top it all off SHE HAS NEVER OWNED A DOG BEFORE.

I tried to help by helping her take it to training classes and giving my (limited) knowledge of dogs. Unfortunately it ended with her having to have the dog put down because she was unable to look after it and was too ashamed to take him back to the rescue.

It really boils my blood when people get dogs and don't appreciate how much looking after they take. It also annoys me when people do the same to cats/kittens and I really wish there was some kind of exam that people had to take before getting animals.

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/07/2017 11:52

Definately I really wish your friend was a very unusual example, but unfortunately I don't think she is. My friend does know how much time I spend with my dogs but, strangely, doesn't seem to be applying the same kind of effort to her own.

She's always cuddling her dog, and he seems very loved, but she doesn't seem to want to put any effort into it. Not even for proper walks. In comparison, from the first day we got a border collie we made sure she had long walks and plenty going on. I think it is irresponsible to get a dog, any breed, and not seriously think about what you need to do and everything it will involve. It is surely common sense?

OP posts:
DefinitelyOdd · 21/07/2017 12:06

She just couldn't understand what was needed. At the point where she was thinking about having him put down, I even offered to take him and home him myself because I was shocked at the callousness of just killing a dog for nothing.

She did love him but that didn't translate to what the dog needed sadly.

RiseToday · 21/07/2017 12:12

I would have to say something to her, but you will probably be facing an uphill battle as it's not like she is openly admitting that she is struggling, rather making excuses, saying it's all fine etc....

I would probably say something like you've noticed how much he has benefitted from long walks and lots of mental stimulation whilst staying with you, how his behaviour has improved (if that's the case?)

Perhaps she will take notice, or it may just fall on deaf ears. Very sad for the dog if she chooses to ignore though.

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/07/2017 12:13

Maybe she's hoping you'll train him while he's with you? (I wouldn't be surprised if she thought you could manage it all in a fortnight)

I do think something needs to be said, or he's going to have a miserable life, but I can't imagine how tactful you'll have to be. Even once the training has been tackled, there's still the thorny issue of the lifestyle changes she'll have to make

confusedandemployed · 21/07/2017 12:20

I know someone who got a BC and didn't give it appropriate socialisation or exercise. I won't go into details but the poor thing was seriously mentally deprived and had absolutely no idea how to behave with othet dogs or kids. Ended up nipping a child. Ownder washed her hands immediately, another friend stepped in and tried to give the dog a fighting chance at leading a happy life. Unfortunately it was just too damaged and was PTS before it turned 3. I wouldn't be keeping quiet.

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/07/2017 12:25

I have been giving her small updates on how we have been getting on, mentioning things such as how we have managed to nip the jumping up in the bud. I didn't add that he shouldn't of been doing it anyway, just mention how quickly he seems to learn.

I am hoping some of it may sink in, but as many of you have said it certainly won't be easy. It is quite hard to hear you have been doing something wrong, and with the consequences that can come from it, and so I think I need to be as diplomatic as I can possibly be.

The dog is very clever, and we have been doing massive massive walks which he has been enjoying enormously. He has also been mirroring some of the behaviour of my dogs, which has been a good thing. I do wonder if she is expecting him to come back a lot better behaved, even if it's not a conscious thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/07/2017 12:26

confused that kind of situation really upsets me. I honestly believe that there are no bad dogs, just bad owners. Your example is a perfect example of it

OP posts:
Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/07/2017 12:28

I am also wondering if she thinks I take things with my dogs to extremes, and it isn't that necessary. Therefore, she can get away with doing far less and it won't really matter.

OP posts:
AnnaleeP · 21/07/2017 12:29

Would you offer to take the dog off her? I think it's pretty obvious she's made a mistake and she perhaps doesn't want to admit it.

confusedandemployed · 21/07/2017 12:32

Paul it was very upsetting indeed. I still get tearful when I think of him, he was a beauty.

ThymeLord · 21/07/2017 12:34

Would you offer to take the dog off her?

I was actually going to say the same thing. It just isn't fair on a dog such as a BC.

Justhadmyhaircut · 21/07/2017 12:37

Tell her how well the dog has settled with you and suggest you keep it...
Tell her you are replacing it with this...

Much more appropriate for her don't you think??

To try and find a way of telling my friend she has made a mistake getting a dog?
Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/07/2017 12:38

I can't really. The thought has crossed my mind, but I have two of my own and I also walk on board other peoples. Three would be too many.

OP posts:
ThymeLord · 21/07/2017 12:39

That's a shame. Of course, it's not your job to pick up the pieces though!

rascallyrascal · 21/07/2017 12:41

I will admit to getting two puppies 15months ago and being completely clueless so I sympathise with your friend in that respect- I had no idea. HOWEVER we recognised this and took them to every class going! They seem happy. They are ok on the lead, well socialised but still jump up (sometimes- when really really excited!) and their recall is, erm, not perfect but we are still working at it and putting the time in. They are a furry work in progress!! They always will be. Hope your friend starts to recognise this before the poor pup is beyond help. Xxxxx

Original poster
PaulDacresButtPlug · 21/07/2017 12:44

It's not but I do feel very sad about the situation. But, I have to be realistic, and not take on more than I am able to look after properly

OP posts:
MrsOverTheRoad · 21/07/2017 12:44

People ARE dim. We misguidedly took on a Maremma puppy...well, we rescued him from a bleak rural property in Australia...we didn't even know what a Maremma WAS ...all we knew was a sad, lonely puppy was sitting alone in a tiny pen in the middle of a massive vineyard...he slept there and ate there alone and he was thin and dirty.

Farmer said "Take him" so we did.

What a journey!

We were ignorant but sought help and thank GOD we have a large property or we'd be buggered!

It's cruel and stupid not to train and walk dogs.

Spudlet · 21/07/2017 12:45

I read an excellent article years ago about borders and their specific issues which make them quite demanding as pets. It was all about the job they'd have been expected to do as working dogs and how the traits they had to do that job made pet life harder for them. I'll try and find it again - maybe your friend might find it thought provoking...?

I love dogs and I've even taught dog training - but I wouldn't have a border as a pet. I couldn't give it what it would need. Hats off to those that can and do!