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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little annoyed my inlaws are decorating my house?

88 replies

IbizaLovesSundays · 21/07/2017 00:01

My DH and I have just bought our first home together. A small 3 bed mid terrace and there is quite a bit of work to do on it to spruce it up and update the decor (think floral carpets and textured wallpaper) I've stripped the walls and the floors right back and DHs parents want to come and help paint and decorate as they are retired and like to spend time with their DS.
This is completely lovely and we have been able to do so much more in such a short space of time than if they hadn't offered to help, but last week my MIL came back with curtains for some of the rooms that she had picked up at a very good price. They aren't awful but just aren't really to my taste, but she doesn't really see why I would want something else. I have had Pinterest boards for years gathering up ideas for rooms in the house and whilst I appreciate the kindness and the sheer amount of work they have done to help us, aibu to be a bit annoyed that I'm not getting to decorate my house the way I want it?
DH kinda sides with his mum as he doesn't see the point in spending lots of money on curtains when these ones will do for now.

OP posts:
BatmansPrettierSidekick · 21/07/2017 09:25

Buying and decorating your first home is so exciting so nip it in the bud now.

goujonsfortea · 21/07/2017 09:28

YANBU.

Not so lovely PIL in reality. It's your house, it should be your rules. DP has an apron-strings mentality by the sound of it, you could save yourself years of crap like this by disabusing him of that attitude now.

You will both be happier in the long run if you grasp the nettle and rip the plaster, as it were.

MissEliza · 21/07/2017 09:29

You have to stand your ground otherwise you'll spend the next few years hating the curtains/carpet/paint colour because you gave in to avoid hurting someone else's feelings for a couple of minutes.

SaucyJack · 21/07/2017 09:29

"But they are the kind of people that don't really care what looks good, as long as it works and does the job it's fine."

This is quite at odds with how overbearing they're being with the decor of your home.

Is it a money anxiety thing? Some people just don't like to see "good" money being spent even when it's not their cash, their house, or their business full stop. My dad was the same. He'd want to help with the flat, but he just couldn't understand why I didn't want white trades paint and furniture he'd found in the street.

Anyway, I digress. YANBU obv.

Josieannathe2nd · 21/07/2017 09:29

I would very kindly, politely but firmly decline the curtains. I think it's part of establishing good boundaries that makes a good relationship. At the same time I'd involve them and show them your Pinterest boards, ask for advice on stuff but I think you need to be clear that they are helping you, not taking over. Personally I'd love my house to be decorated so I would be very greatful for the help- stripping wall paper etc is hard work and boring and make sure they knew it but the decisions should be yours.

alteredimages · 21/07/2017 09:30

If you don't want your PIL's help then you need to communicate that clearly but politely to them. The tricky part is that your DH seems to be happy with their help so they are probably receiving mixed messages.

I had a different but similar situation when I married DH. His parents had bought him a flat and DFIL had decorated it and put in the kitchen and bathrooms before we met (this is normal practice in DH's country). The problem is that I hated it and did a pretty bad job of showing it. DFIL had poured his heart and soul into the work and was so proud, and I stamped on it. If he weren't such a forgiving person I don't think we would have a good relationship now and I cringe every time I remember my behaviour. I was bloody awful.

Now we want to sell that flat and buy a new one, and DFIL is threatening to decorate it for us. He loves marble, gold everything, giant Chinese vases and draped gauzy fabrics which can't be washed and collect dust, I like simple things and nice wood. DMIL just gave him a Hmm look and he stopped talking about it. Grin

In the meantime we did buy a holiday flat that was ready decorated but needed to be furnished and PILs furnished and equipped it to their tastes. I found it quite liberating to relinquish control and be happy that they were choosing things to their tastes. They are so proud of it and take people there all the time. They also made better choices than I would have done, even if I'm not super keen on the look.

What I am trying to say with all this rambling is that although decorating your first house is very important to you and understandably so, your relationship with your PILs is more important in the long run and so if you can't make them understand your point of view it might be worth just deciding to let it go and then have lots of stuff mysteriously break.

Do make sure of a common position with DH though, because this is the key.

PuckeredAhole · 21/07/2017 09:32

Could you dye the curtains?

2rebecca · 21/07/2017 09:33

Say no, someone offereing to help towards the cost of curtains you choose, help you paint and paper a house with amterials you have chosen is fine (if they're up to the job) but going out and buying stuff to their taste isn't on. I'm surprised she knows what size the windowa are. have you been oversharing? I'd say that as she can get the money back you'd rather she did as you want the curtains to match your chosen scheme.

PuckeredAhole · 21/07/2017 09:35

Oh and my mil opened a letter addressed to my dd because she recognised her son's writing (bday card) so I know all about mils overstepping!!

LadyLapsang · 21/07/2017 09:35

They sound like their hearts are in the right place and they have given you lots of unpaid labour. If you don't want the curtains and there is a possibility you could exchange them for something you would like, perhaps take your MIL out to tea while you do it. Why don't you give her an insight into your taste - Pinterest board - so that if she sees something relevant she can let you know. However, you and DH must be on the same page, if he is telling her you are hard up, moaning about your expensive tastes and he is happy with the other curtains, then you need to have a talk.

tabbymog · 21/07/2017 09:38

Foot putting down time, OP, with both feet.

'Thank you for the thought, MiL, but it's not a good idea to buy for our home without knowing what I like. I've been planning this for a long time and have everything clear in my mind.'

This is based on my experience with my own MiL, 4'10" of pure bitchery and no taste. YMMV but you need to be firm. You can only decorate your first home together for the first time, once.

I'm 70, decorating and furnishing my new home for myself, for the very first time. There's no-one to argue with me and it's absolute heaven. You ought to be able to enjoy this to the max possible, and she's getting in the way. She should step aside, don't even take her window shopping.

SapphireStrange · 21/07/2017 09:38

it's so kind of them, but I just want to be able to go into a room in my house, that I bought with my hard earned money and see the hard work that I put in and be proud

Tell them this, kindly and clearly. Ask your DH to back you up more too.

ElsieMc · 21/07/2017 09:40

Oh dear this sounds like me. I picked up a lot of ex display stuff at Dunelm Mill for next to nothing as my dd and her partner were buying a new build and didn't have much money. She is ultra fussy so I was prepared for her to say no. She initially took them but found nicer ones from Next (which strangely I ended up paying for as well!). She was going to use them in her bedroom but decided she didn't want them and so I gave them to my other dd who rents.

I think if you are going to do this as a mil, then be prepared for them not wanting them. I wasn't offended in the least because some of the family benefited. I would just keep them and perhaps use them in the spare bedroom.

FWIW, my mil when I had dd1, had a load of second hand toys delivered to my house without checking first. It was like receiving a load of junk from the local tip, filthy food encrusted plastic toys and a pram (she proudly said silver cross) completely broken down and held together with masking tape. She was mortally offended when I was not filled with enthusiasm.

bimbobaggins · 21/07/2017 09:41

I disagree with people saying that it's a lovely thing to do. You are excited about buying and decorating your first home.
How does she even know what size of curtains to buy, she must have measured up and deliberately went to buy them rather than finding a bargain by chance. Definitely grow a pair and say while you appreciate the gesture you are looking forward to doing it yourself.
And I would feel this way if it was my own mother.

PuppyMonkey · 21/07/2017 09:46

I understand MIL will be upset if you decline the curtains - but YOU are also upset at not getting the chance to decorate as you'd planned. Tell your DH his mum doesn't have a monopoly on being upset.

Tell her kindly how much this means to you, how much she has helped already but now it's time for you to take over. She can either take the curtains back or you'll accept them and keep them as spare?? She'll get over her upset.

Gemini69 · 21/07/2017 10:04

DO NOT allow someone to decorate your Home in fear of hurting THEIR feelings...

your invalidating your own feelings and it's making you very frustrated... you need to stop this from happening NOW

80sMum · 21/07/2017 10:08

Because I enjoy decorating, I have never had anyone else do mine for me. So, I understand how you feel OP, in that you want to have the enjoyment and satisfaction of improving your home yourself.

I have done loads of decorating at my DCs' houses over the years. However, it's always been on an "invitation only" basis: I wouldn't just turn up and take over, I wait until I am asked and then I am glad to help.

I absolutely love decorating, so it's no sacrifice for me to do it!

However, I just do the work as per instructions. I have never had a say in the colour choices or anything like that and wouldn't expect to.

I suspect my DCs would LOVE it if I offered to decorate their houses while they went away on a holiday!! But it would be entirely to their specifications.

ilovesushi · 21/07/2017 10:24

Get her to take them back. Otherwise you are opening the flood gates and before you know it your entire house will be decked out in her style. It's your house, not hers. My FIL decided to repaint our bannisters a few years ago when we were on holiday. Let himself in and did the worst bodged job you can imagine. Gummy, blobby paint, bits of grit and hairs trapped in it. Awful. Still can't face the effort of sanding the whole thing down again. Makes our hall look so scruffy. I really put my foot down after that. So intrusive, so not helpful.

littlemissangrypants · 21/07/2017 10:29

I wonder if some of this is generational. Dps parents are in their 70s and certainly remember the rationing after the war. They make do and mend and hand things down to us. Partners dad struggled a lot when he was furnishing his first home and he had very little money after paying the mortgage. He had help with hand me downs from his family.
In turn when his son set up home they bought a few things for him to make sure he wouldn't have to struggle. They now hand on dinner services and glassware too as they think we are of the age to start having dinner parties.
I have also started collecting things for my sons for when they move out. Just a basic house starter kit but should hopefully save them some cash. I worry about overstepping so maybe giving cash might be more useful. (not that they are moving out any time soon)

Original poster
IbizaLovesSundays · 21/07/2017 10:46

Thank you for all the suggestions. Just to say MIL is not being controlling or trying to stamp her authority on the place she's just genuinely being kind.
Thankfully we live in West Yorkshire and they live in Devon so it's a bit of a journey for them to come. They don't come often, and they are also the type of people who don't let you pay for anything when you are with them (food, cinema tickets, theatre etc) which is so lovely and kind (my parents are the same really) I think I will say thank you so much for the offer, and I have nothing planned for the dining room and spare bedroom, but I've got ideas for the living room and bedroom so would like to buy my own curtains for there.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 21/07/2017 10:53

It is hard when you know they mean well. I hope you can sort it as obviously you should have what you want. If she is nice and you get on with her would a joint shopping trip soften the blow?

MissEliza · 21/07/2017 10:58

alteredimages may I ask where your dh is from?

pictish · 21/07/2017 11:03

I also think this is a generational thing because my mum was like this, my mil is like this and even dh's aunt has to be herded off at the pass with her cast-offs or bargains. My mum and in-laws were born during or just after the war, when make-do and mend was the order of the day. It's ingrained and came from their own parents who did and had to.

I remember being skint but at the stage of needing ds1's first proper bed. Mil and her dh insisted they had a wonderful single bed and mattress going spare and offered to drop it off for him. We accepted but certainly hadn't expected the sagging, rusting iron sprung bedstead and accompanying hard, lumpy and scratchy fucking horsehair mattress that they cheerfully deposited in ds1's bedroom.

We immediately bought an Ikea cheapy and stashed the iron maiden in a cupboard. Mil was testy and pinchy-faced AF when I offered it back after a diplomatic few months. I was very much made to feel like a spoiled and wasteful little madam...which I am fucking not. It's the closest we have come to having a falling out.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 21/07/2017 11:12

Oh well if they live so far away put the curtains where you like. By the time they come to visit she'll have forgotten where they were supposed to be. Grin

Congratulations on your new house. Flowers

MackerelOfFact · 21/07/2017 11:34

Explain to them, as nicely as possible, that you've been looking forward to owning somewhere for so long, and after decades of living with parents, sharing and renting (assuming you have!) you're really excited to be living somewhere where you actually get to choose your own decor and furnishings and not have to 'make do' with other people's choices.

Personally though, I'd take the curtains and use them until I'd saved enough to buy the ones I really wanted (turns out curtains are about 10x more expensive than I ever realised), but that's just me.