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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a little annoyed my inlaws are decorating my house?

88 replies

IbizaLovesSundays · 21/07/2017 00:01

My DH and I have just bought our first home together. A small 3 bed mid terrace and there is quite a bit of work to do on it to spruce it up and update the decor (think floral carpets and textured wallpaper) I've stripped the walls and the floors right back and DHs parents want to come and help paint and decorate as they are retired and like to spend time with their DS.
This is completely lovely and we have been able to do so much more in such a short space of time than if they hadn't offered to help, but last week my MIL came back with curtains for some of the rooms that she had picked up at a very good price. They aren't awful but just aren't really to my taste, but she doesn't really see why I would want something else. I have had Pinterest boards for years gathering up ideas for rooms in the house and whilst I appreciate the kindness and the sheer amount of work they have done to help us, aibu to be a bit annoyed that I'm not getting to decorate my house the way I want it?
DH kinda sides with his mum as he doesn't see the point in spending lots of money on curtains when these ones will do for now.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/07/2017 06:00

Be kind, hand them back. Tell her you really appreciate the offer. It was really lovely to think of you. However you have made plans for your new home and really want to decorate the house yourself to your taste. I think helping her to decorate a room in her house would be a lovely idea. Failing that, perhaps invite her on a shopping trip to buy a few bits and have a coffee.

SleightOfHand · 21/07/2017 06:09

Nip it in the bud, start as you mean to go on.

Wormulonian · 21/07/2017 07:00

Stop it now!! As others have said it's a slippery slope. If you thank her and accept them then she may take that as carte blanche and no end of crap will be foisted on you. That she has had a great deal of fun going out shopping for. If you take the curtains and decide in a few months to change them she will be hurt then too.

She could have phoned/texted you and sent a photo to let you know about the "bargain curtains" and you could then have gone yourself to get them if you wanted. Or she could give you some money to help but no she went out and made a purchase - may have planned it. IME (and I'm probably your MIL's age it's PA and controlling. She is "playing house" but it is not her house to play in.

You know your MIL and perhaps her intentions (I don't) but the helpfully buying bargains rather than giving you the money to make your your own decisions can be a form of control - she is still the parent making wise choices for the "children". It puts a bit of "her" in your house. As for the sensitivity that can be control too (not consciously perhaps) but it does mean no one dares say what they think/want.

Winegumaddict · 21/07/2017 07:09

Worm has hit the nail on the head. I have a lovely MIL when she saw a duvet set she thought I'd like she sent me a picture and asked if we wanted it. She would never just buy for my house without asking me/DH.

metalmum15 · 21/07/2017 07:09

Don't accept anything you don't like. It's your home and you can do whatever you please with it. Any time she buys something just reply with 'Oh it's not for me thanks, but I think it would look lovely in your kitchen /bedroom /downstairs loo'. She'll soon stop being 'helpful'.

metalmum15 · 21/07/2017 07:09

thekillers · 21/07/2017 08:12

The novelty of painting will wear off. If they want to paint then embrace it.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 21/07/2017 08:19

I think it's lovely that they want to help but they have overstepped a bit - although they probably don't realise because the desire to help is genuine IYSWIM?

That said, I do think you need to put a bit of a boundary in place. Otherwise it will happen again and again and sitting and seething about it will do you no good at all.

I'd speak to your MIL and tell her that you really do appreciate all their help and it's been wonderful having them there, but that you have been dreaming of your own home and planning on how you want things and you've got a decorating plan in your head. Tell her that you feel very awkward but that the curtains aren't quite what you were looking for, although you are really grateful that she's bought them and saved you such a big expense - but that you were hoping that she wouldn't mind if you exchanged them for another pair. I'd round it off by asking her if she'd like to come with you, that way it includes her and avoids any chance of her feeling snubbed, and also neatly gives her a bit of insight into the things you do like so that if she picks things up in the future they are more likely to be what you want.

If you do it diplomatically and with tact, it should be fine.

SafeToCross · 21/07/2017 08:29

She might have had the same struggle once with her in laws she can think back to, or she might be trying to replicate help they gave her which she really valued. I would just say I'm really fussy about colours and styles, so I need to choose stuff or I won't be happy with it. Maybe joke about your Pinterest Board. I think you might need to ask her to give you the receipt for one thing, so you can take it back, just to draw a line and make them stop buying. And say no to a few of the tasks. And say to DH you compromise with him, but not with his parents.

pynk · 21/07/2017 08:37

She would say 'it's no problem I can easily take them back' but I know that her feelings would be hurt and she's quite sensitive

Just hand them back nicely and don't worry if she is a bit hurt. It's silly for you to be silently getting angry with her if you don't do something about it.

pynk · 21/07/2017 08:41

It's the end of the sales time in a lot of places and there are some amazing bargains about so it it could be that that she genuinely saw some curtains at a great price. Her intentions might be completely innocent rather than 'controlling'.

KERALA1 · 21/07/2017 08:45

I had that view until I realised how expensive curtains were. 8 years on mums laura Ashley ones stil in the guest room

glitterglitters · 21/07/2017 08:47

My mil did this. We stuck them up until we saved up more money and lived there for a while. Then replaced them immediately.

Consider them a stop gap.

BakedBeeeen · 21/07/2017 08:52

Worm is right, it is a form of control, even if it is meant well.
You MUST nip this in bud as others have mentioned. A close family member of mine has exactly the same situation which funnily enough started with a pair of curtains, and the situation has ever so gradually got worse and worse. Now the PILS are getting between family member and husband and causing so much stress to the couple.

BarbarianMum · 21/07/2017 08:54

It is ok to say no if you are nice about it, even if she gets upset. But I think accepting them (the curtains) for rooms you can't afford to curtain right now is sensible - it will free up budget for the ones you choose yourself.

We've had dMiLs old dining room curtains up in our bedroom for 7 years. Ive never liked them but it is only now we can afford to replace them with some I do like. In fact, MiL is coming over to help me make them today.

Trills · 21/07/2017 08:59

She would say 'it's no problem I can easily take them back'

Make her take them back then. Do it as nicely as you can, but do it.

If you do not, she will think she has done a good thing, and will do more things like it.

And you will be stuck, because you didn't say no to the curtains, so how can you say no to the rug, or the painting?

Trills · 21/07/2017 09:00

If she is the sort of person who gets upset when someone does not like an unasked-for gift, she should stop buying things for people. It's up to her to take care of her upset-ness.

morningconstitutional2017 · 21/07/2017 09:03

Yes, that is annoying. It's your house after all. I was in a similar situation when DH and I were first married. I made DH 'uninvite' his dad from decorating our first house as I wanted it to be the two of us. He'd recently retired and was looking for a project as he didn't like having to retire - he had no real hobbies. I felt that that was his problem and over time I felt a bit bad about it.
You've had some very tactful solutions suggested here. Maybe these curtains could go in spare bedroom as a stopgap.

IHeartDodo · 21/07/2017 09:03

Aw that's so sweet of them, sounds like their hearts are in the right place!
I think I would just innocently go on about how you've done so much planning, and have been really looking forward to choosing all your stuff Yourself.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 21/07/2017 09:12

Tell her this " I just want to be able to go into a room in my house, that I bought with my hard earned money and see the hard work that I put in and be proud ". Tell her you are enjoying being with them while they help but you need them to let you do more. If she is daft enough to be hurt by that, she'll get over it.

Also, if you're planning on having babies at any point, get her in the habit of texting you photos of all possible purchases, NOW. You do not need a grandparent who buys things "because it was a good price".

summerfruitsquash · 21/07/2017 09:16

They sound very similar to my ILs. Is your DH an only child? We recently moved house and my ILs offered to come round and unpack for us while we were at work. Thankfully DP also thought it was a bit too far and put a stop to that. He's their only child and they just want to be as involved as possible. Sometimes I feel like my toes are being trodden on but I'm always very upfront with DP about it and we always find a compromise.

I don't see it as control though, they genuinely thought it was a nice thing to do for us. Same with your mil, she is just being helpful in her own way.

Perhaps let her know how much you appreciate the gesture but you'd like to have a say as it is ultimately your home and you have a different taste in decor. Could you suggest a shopping trip, just the two of you, so that she doesn't feel pushed out and you can give her an idea of what you do like?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/07/2017 09:16

Your husband is the problem, he needs to man up OP.
I'd accept the curtains, then sit down for a coffee, with your lovely MIL, and take her through your mood board.

rightwhine · 21/07/2017 09:18

YABU to be a little annoyed. I would be really, really annoyed. Nip this in the bud now or they'll be doing it for years.

FetchezLaVache · 21/07/2017 09:23

I like Rhubarb's suggestion:

Just tell her it's very kind of her but not to spend their hard earned cash. you've been planning the decor for months and have specific ideas about each room

It's very polite, but gets across the message that any further interference will be deeply resented very clearly.

TheCraicDealer · 21/07/2017 09:24

I think it's a generational thing- when our parents were getting married and moving in together furniture was expensive and there was way less choice, so you were grateful for stuff passed on. My dad genuinely thinks he's doing us a favour sending me pics of things for the house that are on offer in Lidl (love my dad!) or trying to convince us to take a thirty year old divan and mattress that's been lying in their attic for twenty years. Sometimes I take him up on the Lidl goodies but you have to put the foot down with a lot of stuff. During the week he was trying to get me to take an ikea bedside cabinet that was £20 or something new ten years ago and which (importantly) we don't need. He has a real "but it might come in handy!" mentality. Things were less disposable thirty years ago.

I think it's really overstepping the boundary picking and buying new stuff like curtains without speaking to you. If she does something like that again say, "thank you but I had my eye on a pair I really liked that I was going to buy. Do you still have the receipt?". If you ask them to help you do or pick things out then it might help them feel more involved and pre-empt the random purchases. I know it's your house and you shouldn't need to do that, but it's understandable that you don't want to upset or offend anyone.

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