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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to 'veto' this holiday?

83 replies

angstybaby · 20/07/2017 10:03

DH loves his holidays. he's having one in september on his own and we're all going off for 6 weeks in next summer. Neither will be cheap. Now he wants another 2 weeks at xmas.

This would be fine if we could afford it. his idea of being able to afford something is 'i can get credit to pay for it'. mine is 'do you have the money in your current account?'. we have separate accounts and split the bills between us though in a very haphazard way and sometimes, he'll be overdrawn at the end of the month.

he thinks i'm being a kill joy and that it is unreasonable that i essentially get to veto his choices because i hold the negative position. last night we had a row and he walked off, saying he was going to book the holiday. FYI we both work FT and I earn 80% of what he does so holidays are paid for by both of us.

how on earth can i get us on the same page financially? or should i just give up and opt for completely separate finances (which I know would mean that he takes the kids on holiday without me. being separated from them - they're all under 7 - would be heartbreaking for me)? we've always seen our finances as shared but we have such differing ideas. i worry that if we split our finances, he'll spend as much as he does now and i'll still have to bail him out because we share a mortgage, etc.

help!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 20/07/2017 11:48

If he's carrying credit card balances, or indeed the loan you have, can he take out any 0% credit cards to eliminate the interest cost and put the debt back in his name? They're giving these out quite easily these days, although they are making noises about people getting into too much debt.

Original poster
angstybaby · 20/07/2017 11:48

i should probably point out that i earn a good wage on my own and that we have about £100k equity in our house. this is partly why DH thinks there's no need to worry about money. and there won't be bailiffs coming any time soon. we borrow, we repay, banks offer us more money....this is why my credit rating is excellent - I make money for banks

OP posts:
jendou123 · 20/07/2017 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
angstybaby · 20/07/2017 11:53

DH has rubbish credit history because he's missed payments in the past (before we met and before he got his current well-paid job) and he has a fair few cards. which is why i've ended up applying for stuff - it makes better financial sense (er...arguably)

we have moved most of our credit card debt to much lower interest rates, mainly to loans, so it's cheaper than it was but it's still debt. DH is just used to having debt and his calculation is that it's not costing us that much, so don't worry. i worry that credit cards and loans can be called in, interest rates can rise, unexpected things can happen. and going into debt for a holiday seems crazy to me.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 20/07/2017 11:55

I hope it's not a Masters on how to use the Internet correctly, jendou

CockacidalManiac · 20/07/2017 11:56

OP, he's being an arse; especially as you've had to take loans out because he seemingly can't be trusted with money.

CockacidalManiac · 20/07/2017 11:58

The problem with debt is that nobody knows what's around the corner; Illness, job losses...
Manageable debt can suddenly become unmanageable.

peachgreen · 20/07/2017 11:59

if he died, we'd be ok because i'd see the house and down-size.

That depends on how much debt he's in!

Goingtobeawesome · 20/07/2017 12:00

Having debt to buy a house is totally the same as having debt to go on a holiday Hmm.

No, don't tell him you're secretly saving for your kids. He would spend it.

colacolaaddict · 20/07/2017 12:01

Crikey, I take it back. I wouldn't be taking the 6 week or two week holidays with that debt hanging over me. It all sounds precarious and stressful OP, and it's not how you'd choose to live at ALL.

CoolCarrie · 20/07/2017 12:02

Don't tell him about the money you have put aside for your children, he really doesn't need to know about it, it isn't for you or his future, it is for the children.

Original poster
angstybaby · 20/07/2017 12:03

he's hinted it's about 20k...

wow, i just read that back and now feel slightly sick.

Ok, I will:

  • continue to calmly say that we need to full and frank financial disclosure (but I'm not going to tell him about the kids' accounts)
  • insist that we have a holiday budget
  • not get drawn into a fight
  • suggest we set up joint account for bills and mortgage
  • suggest we set up a joint account for a holiday fund

Much like the Brexit negotiations, I doubt I'll get everything I want but this seems to be a war of attrition...

thank you so much for your ideas and support.

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 20/07/2017 12:04

Cockacidal is absolutely right with her assessment about manageable debt. We are living in interesting times, very low interest rates but with Brexit comes uncertainty.

The only way forward is full, non judgemental disclosure. You both need to understand your incomings, outgoings and debt liability.

Have a look at MSE website, some great tools and advice on the site. Good luck OP, money is a difficult discussion to have but it's best to have some transparency.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/07/2017 12:09

Good luck OP. As part of this, can I suggest that you both sign up to the credit club on moneysavingexpert. You can enter your details to see your credit card balances online via experian I think, for free and instantly, so you'll have confirmation of the accuracy of the £20k debt.

Original poster
angstybaby · 20/07/2017 12:11

Thanks BarbaraofSeville for the credit club tip, and your other advice. I do appreciate the time and effort that everyone has taken, especially as i feel too embarrassed to discuss this with anyone

OP posts:
dotdotdotmustdash · 20/07/2017 12:24

My DH and I used to both earn reasonable salaries as nurses (not high but enough). We had a mortgage, 2 DC, 2 cars etc. Out of the blue I developed two frozen shoulders - a debilitating condition which takes about two years before it resolves.

I had to give up all work, I couldn't even brush my hair far less work. In that time I got benefits totalling less than £400pm and we were down £1k pm on our previous income.

We had to take a 12month mortgage holiday which seemed like a good idea at the time and certainly helped with the finances. I never returned to nursing but instead returned to a lower paid job (which I prefer). That mortgage holiday added 17k to our mortgage and we had 6k of cc debt that we had built up and our cars died so we had to take a loan over 5 years to consolidate our money. I don't think we've ever recovered, or maybe we are starting to now after 7 years.

Anything could happen - I was only 39 when I had to stop work.

It's definitely a good idea to plan for the unexpected as much as possible. We had no savings then and still have none, but we also don't have expensive holidays or lifestyles and we now have two children going off to Uni this year.

I think you really need to bring him back to earth.

Original poster
angstybaby · 20/07/2017 12:33

Thanks for sharing dot. i hope you're doing ok now

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/07/2017 12:47

I'd agree with the others. 20 k debt is a lot, and he wants more. He's frittering away the equity on the house and living beyond his means. If house prices crash or interest goes up, or one of you gets ill loses your job you're going to be in trouble.

He's an adult with kids and he needs to grow up. Borrowing even more money to go on another holiday is crazy with that level of debt. Personally I'd say no hols until the debt was cleared, but I don't do debt other than mortgage. He is reckless with money.

BewareOfDragons · 20/07/2017 12:54

but then he says, but we've got a mortgage so you're clearly happy to have some debt...

Your DH is an idiot. Mortgage debt is completely different to going into debt for a holiday.

The only big ticket items truly worth going into debt for, generally, are: our homes (mortgages, higher education (university), car (if you need one (reasonable car), and health (emergency, more applicable to the states). Holidays are big ticket items generally and do not count as emergencies.

He needs to save up with you if he wants to go on extra holidays. He is being a big baby and setting a bad example for his children if he won't discuss this calmly and won't discuss his debt with you. You are supposed to be in this together. He sounds like he's in it for himself.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 20/07/2017 12:59

A mortgage is a to keep a roof over your head and at the end of the term, you'll own your bricks and mortar with the additional likelihood that it will have appreciated in value as well. It is in no way comparable to a holiday.

What does he think will happen at the end of your mortgage term if you keep borrowing? Or - assuming it's on a repayment basis - does he plan to still be paying it back at age 70? What if the market crashes and you're in negative equity? Brexit is likely to bring further economic uncertainty and many are predicting that there will be a housing market correction. Good news for FTB but not so much for people like your DH who may end up with a mortgage bigger than the value of the house.

His attitude to credit cards is interesting - he doesn't really seem to see it as borrowing, does he? I'd be very wary of getting any further financially intertwined with him - and no bloody way would I be taking out debts in my name to clear his off! I'm assuming that he's planning to work until he drops as well? If he keeps extending the mortgage and has got credit card debts all over the place, then it's doubtful that he's making much pension provision. In your shoes I'd be very worried about my family's financial future, as his attitude to spending and saving seems to be rather immature.

bunningsbunny · 20/07/2017 13:51

Hmm. If he has money to splash on a holiday then he should use that money to repay the loan that you have taken out to help clear his debts. Incredibly selfish not to - and to want to increase borrowing in credit card in order to do so is just jaw droppingly selfish and inconsiderate.

If it was for a week's family camping in the summer and you hadn't been away for 5 years and you get a really good deal and weren't likely to be able to go for another few years then I could see that it would be a special experience/memory with the kids so I would go for it.

But to go at a very expensive time of year when he already had/has other massive holidays lined up is a total pusstake; someone who wants to live above their means and doesn't care that you will be paying for it.

Ellisandra · 20/07/2017 13:55

I would bet the £300 you have saved for your children that his debt is significantly more than £20K.

Sorry, I don't mean to be an arse - but I'm that confident. You have got a shock coming if you do get the truth out of him Sad

I wouldn't have married someone like this as we just wouldn't be a good match. My fiancé's "financial personality" is very similar to mine. It would make me very unhappy to be with someone in debt and irresponsible about it.

How are you going to feel when you find out that you took on his debt and he's run up more?

ThePants999 · 20/07/2017 13:58

Sad as it is, I would personally be unwilling to have actual joint finances with someone who thinks it's OK to live on credit.

peachgreen · 20/07/2017 14:03

I agree Ellisandra - if £20k is what he's hinted at, I expect it's more like £40k.

OP, this would be a dealbreaker for me. Without full and frank financial disclosure you can't know that you and your DCs are safe from reprisals should your DH's debt come crashing down around his ears.

Tazerface · 20/07/2017 14:17

I think you need to ask him why he thinks it is fair for you to have to pay back his debt, which is thereby freeing up his credit history to take on more debt for a holiday?!

If he can get credit now, he should be getting a personal loan to pay off the one you have that is paying off his debt.

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