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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL lent us money and wants it back early

97 replies

candypanda283 · 19/07/2017 12:07

I had a high risk pregnancy with my daughter and struggled to look after my other daughter when i hit 38 weeks. My DH told his mum our situation and asked if there was anyway he could borrow 1000 to cover 2 weeks off work so he could help me. He told her we wouldn't be able to pay it back for about a year and asked if it was definitely ok. She said yes, checked with DHs stepdad etc and it was all fine.

2 weeks after giving birth she came to see me and told me she thought she had given us enough time now and it was time to start paying it back as my husband had been taking our daughter out on a few day trips to keep her busy and not stuck in the house with a newborn.

I told DH and he spoke to her and she said that she would ideally like it back asap as she wanted to go on holiday and may need a week off sick in a couple of months.

We have been trying to pay it back and in 4 months weve managed to pay 200 back. She has now told other relatives who have offered to pay her for us so we can owe them the money.

I feel really embarassed, this isnt what wr agreed and I hate that our financial situation has been discussed. I hate that it looks as though we've borrowed money we can't afford to pay back when that's not the case at all.

Mil thinks we are BU and should make sure all our spare money gets paid to her but we have 2 babies to pay for now and i dont see why dd1 should go without 1 or 2 days out a month or without clothes because shes changed the deal..

OP posts:

hatebeak · 19/07/2017 14:07

Your MIL is being deeply unreasonable. Who behaves like that towards family? Unless her circumstances have changed dramatically - in which case wouldn't you ask apologetically and nicely for the money back asap? You don't lend money to people and then monitor how they spend it. As long as it's paid back eventually, that's really none of the lender's business. I think she's behaved really meanly.

user1489675144 · 19/07/2017 14:10

So MIL gets to play the look at how helpful I am them almost immediately demand it back... then others get brought into it so lots now know your financial situation. Can you borrow from a bank and a good rate of interest and avoid family borrowing like the plague in future.

MIL sounds like a hag

Dowser · 19/07/2017 14:19

I would set up a standing order of £100 month .
Debts get paid fist
Anything else is fun money..

SandyDenny · 19/07/2017 14:20

Is your dh on a zero hours contract or was there some other reason he couldn't have paid time off work. If he is on zero hours how feasible would it be for you to get a loan from a bank, you may have no choice but to borrow from other family members.

00100001 · 19/07/2017 14:21

it's tricky.

There are savings you could no doubt make - if you're prepared to make a few sacrifices.

I would borrow the money on 0% card - give her the money to keep her happy. Then pay back the credit card asap.

then concentrate on saving money. No more soft play/ activities that cost money out of the house. (yes, even in the rain, she won't melt)
So much free stuff you can do with a toddler - such as

go to the park
go for woodland walks
feed the ducks
go for a bike ride/scoot
visit the library
look for insects/animal tracks
do a treasure hunt/walk
Pokemon Go
Museums
make tent/den in the garden
make your own crazy golf course
Go to the apple store and play on ipads
keep an eye out for free activities put on by local groups/council

No need for brand new clothes for the kids, charity shops, car boots and eBay are your friends here.

Don't buy them any more 'stuff' like toys - no doubt your children have boxes full already.

sycamore54321 · 19/07/2017 14:31

" He told her we wouldn't be able to pay it back for about a year "

Entirely open to interpretation. It could mean she wouldn't see a penny back until a year's time or it could mean it would be repaid over the year with the final instalment paid at the end of the year.

Borrowing or lending informally is a terrible idea, especially without clearly agreed terms. Unfortunately you have learned that the hard way.

Cut down as much as possible and pay it back however best you can. And keep all financial arrangements with banks from now on.

toomuchtooold · 19/07/2017 14:31

Could you repay her the £800 you're still owe from a 0% interest credit card?

Be careful doing this - AFAIK most of the cards charge you interest on cash advances. I guess if you wanted to you could e.g. put your weekly shop on CC and use that cash to pay her back? You have to be so careful running up CC debts though, as the interest rates are really bad once the interest free term finishes.

owltrousers · 19/07/2017 14:39

I think you just need to set up a payment schedule and a written list of payments that both parties (borrower and lender, whoever that might be) can agree to.

e.g

20th July - £50
20th August- £50
etc

So then everybody knows where they stand. Also if your situation changes or you get spare cash its always a good idea to pay some extra back for good will.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2017 14:41

That is shitty, has their circumstances changed? So your not allowed to buy your children necessities or leave the house, if you owe money .

grannytomine · 19/07/2017 15:00

As a grandmother I think your MIL is being unreasonable. I would go without a holiday to help my kids in a similar position. I've told my daughter I will give her £1k per month when she is on maternity leave as I want her to take the year off and enjoy the time with her baby. I'm not particularly well off, currently owe £4k on the credit card but as far as I'm concerned it's what mothers do for their kids.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2017 18:08

Awww bless grannie, what a lovely grannie you sound, my mum is helping me out as well, and thinks the same as you. I have a dd with ASD and learning difficulties, so find it hard to find work, as childcare provision for children with SN is very limited.

grannytomine · 19/07/2017 18:20

Aeroflotgirl, I'm glad you have a mum who helps. My mum did it for me, and my granny did it for her so I just think it is paying it on.

I hope you dd is doing OK.

RB68 · 19/07/2017 18:21

I would say an o% card might be the way to go you will be charged 2 to 3% for a cash advance as a one off then have to pay a min Mthly amount but you can set an amount higher than that.

Do you have any clothes or kids toys that you can sell locally - its a bit of work but seems to me that might be a way to go

Try and make do with minimum stuff in the mean time and ask yourself do I need it or want it for buying stuff. As to the days out - not unreasonable to entertain a child but once or twice a mth is not unreasonable but you need to get her off your back as it sounds like she is a right royal pain. People have to live int he mean time and existing is not living and you never get the early years and Dad time back at that age

sycamore54321 · 19/07/2017 18:24

I'm sorry grannietomine but if you are already £4000 in debt, adding another £12,000 without a plan to increase your income is foolish in the extreme and certainly not typical of "what a family does". We have a responsibility to ourselves first and foremost and it is not a good idea to make foolhardy expenses now with the expectation that some other family member will bail you out subsequently (which is implied by "that's what family does"). I appreciate your intentions are amazingly kind but have you really thought it through?

In regard to the OP, she and her husband agreed a loan. There is nothing wrong with the MIL not giving a cash gift to her. Other families might operate differently and that is fine too but it's also fine for the MIL not to give a large gift, particularly if she was only asked for a loan.

grannytomine · 20/07/2017 09:52

sycamore54321 don't worry, my income is increasing as I reach state pension age and my pension will be about £700 a month so it will all be cleared. I'm not expecting family to bail me out, that wasn't what I said at all, I was talking about mother's helping daughters in a long line.

With regards to the OP her MIL lent the money for a year then wanted it back in weeks, not fair to change the rules like that in my opinion.

Helendee · 20/07/2017 11:15

I also think that MIL is unfair in asking for early repayment but we don't know exactly what was originally agreed. I can also see how MIL might be a tad miffed if she thought she was lending the money as an emergency payment and can see it being spent on what she considers to be extravagances. Also did the OP agree to pay back with interest?

swingofthings · 20/07/2017 11:28

Surely it is a matter of interpretation!

He told her we wouldn't be able to pay it back for about a year and asked if it was definitely ok

To me, that reads that they wouldn't be able to repay the loan IN FULL before the end of the year, not that they wouldn't be able to START repaying until then.

£1,000 is a lot of money to have to wait a year to receive any form of payment, especially if it means another year or longer to get it paid in full. How can this be reasonable? Unless they are well off and can easily afford to do without, why should THEY have to cut down so that YOU don't have to?

AvoidingCallenetics · 20/07/2017 12:22

I wouldn't transfer the debt to anyone else or get a loan. I would simply tell mil that she will have to wait and be repaid as originally agreed!

It does piss me off though when posters bang on about charity shops and crap like playing in the apple store. If your child needs a specific item of clothing, like leggings, odds are you won't find them in a charity shop in decent condition/correct size/colour for less than a supermarket sells them.
Am a bit at the suggestion she should take her dc to play in the shops. The apple store is not a playground for bored kids and for those of us who don't live in walking distance of a city centre, the petrol and parking cost more than soft play anyway!

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 20/07/2017 12:55

To me, that reads that they wouldn't be able to repay the loan IN FULL before the end of the year, not that they wouldn't be able to START repaying until then.

I would have taken it that way too if what the OP has reported is how it was said to MiL. OP does your DH remember the exact wording of the conversation?

Lucysky2017 · 20/07/2017 13:27

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be" - all these old sayings tend to be true.
Perhaps go back to work sooner, take up the other relative's offer to transfer the debt and may be get a temporary weekend job for now to start repayments.

HazelBite · 20/07/2017 14:50

OP is there any chance you could get some evening/weekend work?
If you could get a 0% credit card and payback MIL asap the remaining 800 perhaps even if you have to wait for seasonal work (Xmas) it would help clear that debt sooner rather than later.
I would be reluctant to let another member of the family take over the debt as the same thing could happen all over again.

grannytomine · 20/07/2017 17:55

But she asked for the money back 2 weeks after the baby was born so if dad was borrowing the money to have the last two weeks of the pregnancy off work that was probably a month at most. So even if she thought they would start paying off before 12 months to ask for it all back in a month is unfair.

Or have I got the timing wrong?

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