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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL lent us money and wants it back early

97 replies

candypanda283 · 19/07/2017 12:07

I had a high risk pregnancy with my daughter and struggled to look after my other daughter when i hit 38 weeks. My DH told his mum our situation and asked if there was anyway he could borrow 1000 to cover 2 weeks off work so he could help me. He told her we wouldn't be able to pay it back for about a year and asked if it was definitely ok. She said yes, checked with DHs stepdad etc and it was all fine.

2 weeks after giving birth she came to see me and told me she thought she had given us enough time now and it was time to start paying it back as my husband had been taking our daughter out on a few day trips to keep her busy and not stuck in the house with a newborn.

I told DH and he spoke to her and she said that she would ideally like it back asap as she wanted to go on holiday and may need a week off sick in a couple of months.

We have been trying to pay it back and in 4 months weve managed to pay 200 back. She has now told other relatives who have offered to pay her for us so we can owe them the money.

I feel really embarassed, this isnt what wr agreed and I hate that our financial situation has been discussed. I hate that it looks as though we've borrowed money we can't afford to pay back when that's not the case at all.

Mil thinks we are BU and should make sure all our spare money gets paid to her but we have 2 babies to pay for now and i dont see why dd1 should go without 1 or 2 days out a month or without clothes because shes changed the deal..

OP posts:

Donttouchthethings · 19/07/2017 12:43

No one here knows your situation. If you don't feel good borrowing from other relatives, don't do it. Could your DH have a good talk with his DM and sort something out?

Rhubarbtart9 · 19/07/2017 12:43

Can't you just borrow on a card and pay it all off slowly.

I think you need to take that as a lesson learnt. Don't borrow!

Possibly she wasn't quite clear how long you needed to borrow the money for. It does seem unfair but at the end of the day it is her cash

LaContessaDiPlump · 19/07/2017 12:44

What a shitty way for her to behave - sorry op. Make sure all the others know that you were expecting to pay her back in 1 year's time, not immediately. Also, never accept any favour from her again, ever. She has shown how her mindset lies when it comes to favours (very unwilling giver once it is actually agreed).

MatildaTheCat · 19/07/2017 12:44

I feel bad for you and think spending £30-40 a month on days out and clothes is extremely frugal. It is, however, a life lesson in getting all loans set out in writing with repayments agreed.

Swallow your pride and accept to have the loan passed on to another relative and set up a dd with immediate effect. Ask both mil and the relative to please not discuss with anyone else as, no doubt they themselves would prefer if the situation was reversed.

Good luck with future finances and hopefully you will be able to build a savings fund to cover all these contingencies. Taking two weeks off when neither is earning plus the post birth time off was probably an extravagance too far in your position but you know that now.

squishysquirmy · 19/07/2017 12:47

She is being unreasonable.
You agreed something, and it looks like she has changed her mind. Coming to you within 2 weeks of the birth asking for it back is quite arsey, as is discussing the loan with other family members.
It's not like you borrowed £1,000 for a holiday or anything - it was for a sensible reason - the health of you and her unborn grandchild.

ONE trip to soft play is hardly profligate, and I don't consider new children's clothes to be a luxury.

Agree with others that the best thing to do is pay MIL back as fast as possible, and never borrow from her again. Don't let her hold anything over you. How is your relationship with her otherwise? If it is generally good, it is not worth falling out with her over money, but it would colour my opinion of her if I was in your shoes.

easterholidays · 19/07/2017 12:48

You're probably already aware/claiming but you know you are entitled to Maternity Allowance if you don't qualify for statutory maternity pay, OP?

www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance/overview

Disregard if not relevant!

BarbarianMum · 19/07/2017 12:49

Sorry but what a bitch. I'd have given my ds the money in those circumstances if i possible could, and certainly wouldn't be hassling to change the terms of the repayment. And who in the world begrudes their grandchild a trip to the farm or a new pair of leggings ffs!

Remember this OP - this

Wormulonian · 19/07/2017 12:50

MIL is unreasonable as she has changed the terms of your deal. This is the problem with borrowing from f&f they make value judgements on how you spend your money.

Have you any things you could sell to pay her off?

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 12:50

just out of curiosity OP...

how does your MIL know you've purchased these clothes for the little one and gone on a day trip to a soft play ?

is someone informing on you ?

BarbarianMum · 19/07/2017 12:50

...this woman is no friend to you.

Scattymere · 19/07/2017 12:51

Definitely MIL is being U. How can anyone just say the OP should start paying it back immediately if this clearly wasn't the original arrangement? The deal was 1 year and the MIL starts demanding this 2 weeks after her granddaughter was born- possibly the most stressful, emotional time anyway without this added burden.

I'd definitely ask to speak to her or get DH to, point out you had clearly agreed a very different arrangement/time frame and make sure she knows that harassing you for money 2 weeks after your baby was born is appalling behavior but you don't want the stress of this so will try to repay her as soon as possible. I'd be seriously backing off from her for a while so she hopefully understands she was very unreasonable.

Cailleach666 · 19/07/2017 12:54

You have two cars on finance? That sounds costly.

Cailleach666 · 19/07/2017 12:55

Never borrow or lend to friends and family.

THat's why we have banks.

QueenArseClangers · 19/07/2017 12:55

Is your MIL always this unkind?

She sounds horrible, I'd pay her the money back and never speak to her again

lilujay · 19/07/2017 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Syc4moreTrees · 19/07/2017 12:56

Could you approach your Lender and ask for a payment holiday for a month and just pay her off in a lump sum? Or see if there is anything you can maybe sell to raise a few extra pounds. The other option would be just to borrow on a 0% credit card and pay her off and then just chip away at that debt over the year?

squishysquirmy · 19/07/2017 12:57

Would it be possible to give up one of the cars, or would that cost more?
I get the impression that the op can no longer easily afford things they used to be able to afford, due to circumstances changing (Mirena failing and high risk pregnancy). We can all try to organise our finances responsibly, but we can't foresee every circumstance.

LogicalPsycho · 19/07/2017 13:01

I think MIL is being U.
She's changed the terms of the agreement so she can go on holiday, and begrudges her granddaughter a pair of leggings and trip to soft play!

Remember this when she's elderly and thinks you and DH owe her some help, OP!

ExConstance · 19/07/2017 13:07

if you don't qualify for maternity pay could you get maternity allowance?

Changebagsandgladrags · 19/07/2017 13:10

My mother gives us all sorts of unofficial loans. When we try to pay the money back she says "No I wouldn't take money off my grandchildren". Like you, I fully intend to pay the money back when I'm back in work.

I can't believe your MIL doesn't take this approach, unless she really needs the money.

CheshireChat · 19/07/2017 13:10

My PIL did this, so fucking annoying so you have my sympathies.

Also, depending on where the OP lives there might not be lots of free stuff to do.

Around me- there's a park but obviously no good in the rain. There's a couple of museums but DS is a bit young and there's not enough to fill a day really.

And the charity shops around here have tatty clothes that aren't particularly cheap and they're not great when you need something rather than have time to have a good mooch about.

So pay her as much as you can, see if you can agree a monthly amount you can actually afford.

Also don't tell her about anything you buy/ do.

Bettercallsaul1 · 19/07/2017 13:11

It sounds as if the OP's MIL couldn't actually afford to make this loan, in terms of her own life and lifestyle, since she needs it back after just four months. She may have given the money a bit unthinkingly, in response to an emotional appeal, without considering the consequences for herself. Since she is making it clear that she now wants it back (and is actually telling other people!), I would transfer the loan to one of the relatives who has offered to take it over. It is a bit awkward and humiliating to do this but if you can't raise the money elsewhere, this is your best option. You won't feel nearly so much pressure if one of your relatives can actually afford it, and you can pay it off in instalments over an agreed time period. Lesson learned OP - don't borrow from MIL again!

Sprinklestar · 19/07/2017 13:12

How sad. It sounds as though what could have been a nice gesture to help you out when you needed it most has well and truly backfired. How petty of her to now want to control what you spend and where, especially since this changes the fact you'd agreed it would be repaid next year.

Pay her back when you can and within the originally agreed timeframe, but don't trust her again. I can't believe she's risked ruining relationships over £1000. And telling other family members is awful! How humiliating for you.

Cindbelly · 19/07/2017 13:12

The lesson here and I'm speaking from bitter experience is to never lend or borrow money from DHs family / MIL again.

Personally I would take the other family members up on the offer to pay her back, but be clear to them the money will be paid in full on... date and not before.
If they're not ok with that, then MIL will have to wait for her money. A trip to soft play and new clothes are not lavish luxuries, soft play is a treat fine, bit clothes are a necessity- does MIL not expect your DC to have xmas / birthday presents till she's paid back too?

Even though it's a different scenario, I will share my mat leave story with MIL; and why I learned never to get involved financially. mind that my MIL is batshit

About 4 months before I left work, with DC2 I was asked to sign a contract agreeing that if I didn't return to work after 12 months, for a period of at least 12 months, I would have to pay my mat leave back. We saved hard and put aside 5k to cover that possibility or to cover a nursery. MIL was horrified at the idea of dgc going into a nursery and insisted that she would look after DD instead. We had many many conversations about it and she had multiple chances to back out all through my pregnancy and after DD was born when I was on mat leave.
Then 3 weeks before I was due to go back to work she asks me if she can borrow the 5k I had saved for a 'personal emergency' - then used that money to book a holiday for her, SIL and dnephew- flying out the day I was due to return to work.

We ended up 5k down and having to find a nursery last minute, whilst she and SIL swanned off on holiday with our money.

caoraich · 19/07/2017 13:15

Oh this is tough. Borrowing money from friends/family can be a nightmare- the only time it's worked for me was when the friend who asked was living far away. I didn't really see what he was up to so couldn't judge takeaways/nights out! He paid me back in time and all was well.

Could you repay her the £800 you're still owe from a 0% interest credit card? There are OK deals out there and it would give you probably more time too as they're often up to 18 or 24 months interest free.

I get what you mean about the lump sum- I just had a bizarre conversation with someone about professional registration fees: I've been in a low paid job for the past year essentially getting specialist work experience, but will be returning to my reasonably well-paid job in August. Trying to explain that there was no way I could afford the £500 lump sum THIS month but by September it would be fine was totally bewildering to the person on the phone. Eventually we agreed to a monthly direct debit. Sigh. Maybe this is what's confusing your MIL too?

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