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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL lent us money and wants it back early

97 replies

candypanda283 · 19/07/2017 12:07

I had a high risk pregnancy with my daughter and struggled to look after my other daughter when i hit 38 weeks. My DH told his mum our situation and asked if there was anyway he could borrow 1000 to cover 2 weeks off work so he could help me. He told her we wouldn't be able to pay it back for about a year and asked if it was definitely ok. She said yes, checked with DHs stepdad etc and it was all fine.

2 weeks after giving birth she came to see me and told me she thought she had given us enough time now and it was time to start paying it back as my husband had been taking our daughter out on a few day trips to keep her busy and not stuck in the house with a newborn.

I told DH and he spoke to her and she said that she would ideally like it back asap as she wanted to go on holiday and may need a week off sick in a couple of months.

We have been trying to pay it back and in 4 months weve managed to pay 200 back. She has now told other relatives who have offered to pay her for us so we can owe them the money.

I feel really embarassed, this isnt what wr agreed and I hate that our financial situation has been discussed. I hate that it looks as though we've borrowed money we can't afford to pay back when that's not the case at all.

Mil thinks we are BU and should make sure all our spare money gets paid to her but we have 2 babies to pay for now and i dont see why dd1 should go without 1 or 2 days out a month or without clothes because shes changed the deal..

OP posts:
SoftSheen · 19/07/2017 13:16

YANBU, MIL is being unreasonable.

However, in your situation it is obviously in everyone's best interests to economise and pay back the money ASAP. Personally, I would start by getting rid of one of the cars. You don't really need two cars if only one of you is working.

Bettercallsaul1 · 19/07/2017 13:17

Since that was a loan, Cindbelly, I hope you eventually got your £5000 back? Shock

swingofthings · 19/07/2017 13:19

It sounds pretty obvious that what she and you believe was agreed is very different and I suspect that's because your OH heard whathexwanted to hear and reported that to you rather than whatvyour MIL had really agreed.

That's the problem when you lend money to people who are desperate for it they tend to focus all their attention to the YES and switch off to the BUT. That's why I never lend money to friends and family.

MegEmski · 19/07/2017 13:20

OP you have my sympathy - this was never going to end well

Some people have not RTFT - the OP was going to pay it back in one lump when she was back at work, hence the 1 year

I think they have been unfair, and I can see why you are upset.

I think you have no choice but to do your very best to get it paid back and never borrow from them again. It would have been much easier all round if they just said no initially, rather than yes and change the goal posts!

trulybadlydeeply · 19/07/2017 13:20

Personally, I would take a loan out for the amount, and certainly not borrow from the other relatives, as it could be out of the frying pan into the fire, particularly as they are distant relatives. As you have finance on two cars, I assume your credit rating is reasonable. You could take it out over a fairly long period, such as 3 or 4 years, which would be little a month, then once you are back at work you could over pay and get rid of it much sooner than that.

Cindbelly · 19/07/2017 13:23

Hahaha no!
She claimed the 5k was her 'wages' paid in advance for looking after DD and that it was my decision to put DD in a nursery instead of hold out on mat leave for another 2 weeks till they got back. So therefore not her fault see batshit! she even turned a few distant family members against us for 'denying' her the right to look after DD everyday

Me and DH just consider that the price we paid to get her out of our lives.

timeisnotaline · 19/07/2017 13:23

Id be totally pissed off at this, and would take a long time to get over it. I would definitely pay something back but I don't think I would spend Mat leave on a super tight budget when we had planned and agreed otherwise eljust because mil can't communicate.

Cindbelly · 19/07/2017 13:24

Sorry op didn't mean to derail your thread there

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 19/07/2017 13:25

You have two cars on finance? That sounds costly.

The OP said she fell pregnant on the Mirena coil - ie, presumably took out car loans not realising she would be on maternity leave this year. And I think they're hard to get out of even if you sell the car, because the car probably won't cover the loan plus interest, and anyway, won't OP need a car as an agency nurse?

I think the MIL is being unreasonable too. She agreed to the terms of repayment and now she's massively changed the goalposts and is bad-mouthing you to other relatives. She wants it back to go on holiday, which is an extravagance in itself, if we're getting picky about what anyone spends their money on. (I know it was her money, but she agreed to help her ill DIL, new grandchild and son, so it seems really mean-spirited to be doing this!)

Sitting in the house doing feck all because you're skint during mat leave is horrible - this is presumably why the OP and her DH asked to repay the lump sum when OP returns to work. Also, IME, as mat leave goes on the lack of cash really starts to bite. It would be silly to assume OP's family won't have any unforeseen expenses in that time.

MatildaTheCat · 19/07/2017 13:27

Cindbelly Shock. That's a MN classic of a Cheekyfuckerdom Grin.

wannabestressfree · 19/07/2017 13:28

Cind that's terrible....
My own mother gave us the money to finish the disabled bathroom in the ground floor of my partners house- direct to the builder.
Two weeks later she changed her mind and sued us. I have a CCJ, am terminally ill and a half finished bathroom. Council stepped in.
I haven't spoken to my mum and most of my family for two years.

BabsGanoush · 19/07/2017 13:28

Are you the same poster who had twins - it's unclear in your thread. If, so, I thought you rented not mortgaged.

Sorry if it's not you

PoppyJ1 · 19/07/2017 13:38

YANBU. She's moved the goalposts and now you're stuck. What's the matter with her? These are her grandchildren she is begrudging days out for!

Rocksyluv · 19/07/2017 13:39

Your MIL is horrible.

I too would borrow the money from the other relatives and pay her back, and never ask her for so much as a cup of sugar.

Iwantamarshmallow · 19/07/2017 13:42

both you and your mil ABU . she should not have changed the deal but i don’t think you should be having 'treats' or going on days out when you owe money. Have you considered that she may have asked for the money back early because she assumes if u can afford days out you can afford to pay it back.

reetgood · 19/07/2017 13:44

It sounds like crossed wires. I understood from your post that you would repay over a year, not in a year, so perhaps that's what happened?

It also sounds like a bit of a financial makeover might be helpful, to ease the stress of adding another unexpected child to the mix! I'd start with the cars - are either on a finance deal that you can return? Then the bills, etc. Money advice service and money saving expert are good places to start. And the advice re maternity allowance is worth following up. It might only be small savings, but I bet £50 a month would make a difference right now.

TroysMammy · 19/07/2017 13:50

Do you mean she is planning to take time off work to go "on the sick" in few months time even though she isn't ill and it will be used as an extra week holiday or does she have surgery planned?

Couchpotato3 · 19/07/2017 13:51

As someone else suggested, ask your mortgage company if a payment holiday is possible. Alternatively, you might be able to worry the extra £800 from them and add it to your mortgage (although this would probably take a few weeks to arrange).
Do you have any large items you could sell - an expensive camera/musical instrument etc to raise some cash?

What would happen if you just said no, you can't repay until next year as agreed?

Perhaps it would be best to take the loans from the rest of the family to get MIL off your back (then have as little as possible to do with her in future). Then find a way of repaying them asap and move on.

GetAHaircutCarl · 19/07/2017 13:51

MIL sounds a bit mean but the lesson here is neither a lender nor a borrower be.

Couchpotato3 · 19/07/2017 13:51

borrow not worry!

coddiwomple · 19/07/2017 13:55

i don’t think you should be having 'treats' or going on days out when you owe money.

but that's the point, I was under the impression that the reason the OP borrowed money was to be able to afford these "treats"!
Otherwise you wouldn't borrow money to be able to take 2 weeks off work!

Unless there is a genuine emergency, the MIL is a nasty piece of work. We are talking about her son, DIL and her grand-kids, as it doesn't appear anyone has refused to give her the money back. She didn't have to accept in the first place.

Original poster
candypanda283 · 19/07/2017 13:56

@babsganoush I am actually Candypandas best friend but don't want to post on my own account/ name change

OP posts:
rinabean · 19/07/2017 13:58

Very sad that she considers low level spending on her grandchild to be "spare money", but not a holiday she has only just decided on

Remember this in the future

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 19/07/2017 13:58

Can you get a bank loan to pay off MiL?

£1,000 over five years would be between £18 and £21 pounds per month, and yes you'd be paying interest (anywhere between £100 and £250 depending on the interest rate - shop around) and yes you'd have to start paying straight away. But you wouldn't owe MiL or any other family member, everything would be on an impersonal, business footing.

Starlight2345 · 19/07/2017 13:59

I would get DH to talk to MIL...Tell her how much you can afford to pay a month and that once you are back at work the rest will be repaid. However I would also let relatives know..

My only query on this is was there a misunderstanding it would be paid over 12 months as opposed to a lump sum at the end of 12 months because that would be considerably more than £200 by now.