Other children attacking my toddler

[ChangeCat]

She seems to attract bullies! Playgrounds, the beach, soft play... they think I'm not looking then push her over, refuse to let her on equipment or throw sand or water in her face. Last week a boy threw a rock at her, I told him off but she was scared by then and wanted to leave.

She's sociable (if a bit shy) and approaches them expecting a friendly reaction. She doesn't push in or take things, she waits her turn for the slide etc. They sometimes play with her a bit then try to hurt her At the top of the slide the bigger kids try to push her out of the way so they can go first!

She's just two and these children are usually 3-4 year olds. They seem really aggressive for no reason!

How do I stop this and give her confidence?

I used to think the same as you too when bigger kids did it to mine but now I realise it's normal, kids do this.

Keep a close eye and get through this bit, it's constant monitoring im afraid until she is a little bit older. Not nice I know but as someone said she will turn older too and then the roles will reverse.

Maybe use your initiative and have a think about whether older children will be impatient with her using the equipment to play

The playgrounds we go to are usually for under 5s (low level equipment, big sandpit, all enclosed). By independence I don't mean playing unsupervised. I always watch DD and stand near the equipment, close enough to keep her away from swings but not to stop a child pushing or hitting. Keeping her within arm's reach would feel restrictive. I'd have to constantly shout 'wait' and make her hold my hand instead of running around

'I don't agree with bring within arms length at all times, they need a bit of independence'

There's your problem. I see what you're saying but you can't have it both ways. If your dd is, for whatever reason, getting a lot of this behaviour (and I do think the number of instances sounds a bit extreme!) then you need to stay closer. It's not helicoptering provided you're not over-intervening in what she's doing all the time, just blocking anything physical.

That said I have to ask where you are going?! I take my 2yo to baby groups and the park every day & whilst a bit of this is par for the course, as I said your situation sounds a bit extreme!

I think some of your language is way ott 'bullies' 'terrifying' 'aggression' and you might need to reframe your view a bit. Young children just lack impulse control. I do agree they need a bit of supervision though, it does bug me when there's no one there to correct them at least, even if they saw from afar and come over after the event.

'Eli, Eli, we don't throw sand, Eli, no don't throw it in the boy's face he doesn't like it. Eli don't do that. Fuck off Eli's mum, get off your ass and stop your child from doing it, don't constantly whine at him. Fred's dad was also uselss and didn't stop Jessie from standing at the bottom of the slide stopping children coming down.

It was piss taking. Parents who thought the world literally revolved around Eli, Fred and Jessie, while they stood like willowy twats doing jack shit to stop their toddlers pissing everyone else off.'

I agree 'bullying' was the wrong word. But it is terrifying for a 2-year-old to be pushed/kicked/hit with a rock by an older child. Deliberately hurting a smaller child is aggressive behaviour.
I wish parents of children who tend to react aggressively would keep a closer eye on them. If mine hurt another child on purpose I'd reprimand sharply and keep them away from the younger ones.

I found 3-5 year olds the worst when DS1 was 18-24 months. He was very physically capable and attached himself to other children to play with them.

The 6-10 year olds were lovely with him. But the 3-5 year olds would be mean. I think they're practicing asserting themselves - its only recently that they've stopped being the smallest themselves !

I agree that little kids pushing etc. is unfortunately a normal part of learning to socialise etc. I don't judge the little kids but will hold my hand up to judging the parents that don't seem to watch their children.

My eldest son is 5 and has high functioning autism.not so stealthy boast He is the kindest, sweetest kid ever. Genuinely never pushes, hits, snatches..even off his little brother.I find myself following him around soft play not because I worry about his behaviour, but because he will never retaliate to other kids having a 'silly moment'.

We are currently dealing with an issue at school where DS has made friends with a little boy who AFAIK is NT, is lovely,intelligent charming etc. But very volatile.He has bit my son several times, once was hard enough to draw blood.

I am torn between the massive benefits of my son's first friend but this aggression. His parents have little interest in helping their son to learn and won't tolerate any suggestion that their little boy is out of line.My son is very very tall and muscly for his age and doesn't look like 5 year old at all. I think that's why they feel this way.

OP, I hate this kind of thing too.But just keep a close eye on your DD when she's around a load of kids as she's only dinky.

Young kids are largely amoral until taught right and wrong. Lord of the Flies. I'd be annoyed with the parents for not supervising properly and not taking opportunities to teach their child a better way to behave. In a lift the other day another toddler mum told her son off for 'stealing' (presumably for trying to snatch (empty) milkshake bottle out of my DD's hand, i hadn't noticed). I just smiled. Kids will make mistakes. Parents are there to teach them. Have a go at the parent if they're not doing their job.

'it is terrifying for a 2-year-old to be pushed/kicked'

I think the rock incident is out of the ordinary, but with the others it does sound like you may be projecting a little bit.

I completely agree about the supervision (from afar or whatever) though. Surely you know if your child tends toward hitting/pushing etc. It's not right to just leave them all to it, they're all learning how to be and need guidance. No need to make a big scene, but nothing at all is a lesson lost.

A 2 just year old needs to be followed closely to keep her safe. She will learn her assertiveness skills in good time.

The tree won't grow any faster, even if you pull very hard.

Chasing and rough play is just how 4 year olds play. This can include (mutual) sand and leaf throwing. Your 2 year old is simply too young for that and if she makes a beeline for older kids (which kid doesn't) you need to be there. Many 2/5 year olds want to play with the 4/10 year olds, not all of them dare to initiate it. Just because she's bold doesn't mean she's ready. 4 year olds also have little impulse control and are learning to share, negotiate and assert themselves. Which is why their parents aren't at arms length; they do need that tiny bit of independence to learn this.

It's be a bit like leaving a 6 month baby old in your toddler's playpen and expect your toddler to play nicely so the intrepid 6 month old can explore.

Honestly this thread is ridiculous.
If another child has an interesting toy she stands nearby watching, the child seems to see that as a threat. Other times she's picked up a toy (e.g. a spade lying in the sand) and been attacked because it's not hers!

Your 2 yr old is invading the private space of 3-4yr olds then taking their stuff so the lash out and you are labelling them bullies?? They are children! Tiny pre-school children! Just wait until your dd is 4 and being followed around by a strange 2yr old when they are trying to play. Total PFB.

Maybe you just have a child with a good, kind nature and you teach them right from wrong? Whereas other parents can't be arsed to discipline their children correctly, creating havoc for others. And some kids (not a popular opinion on MN I think) just aren't very nice.
WTH with the kid hitting her while she was clinging to your leg?!? Older kids should know better. It's easy to see why a small toddler may lash out but a 6/7 year old generally knows that this is shitty behaviour.
Hope your DD is ok

The older children are 3/4 not 6/7.

Bit OTT sunshine How is 'standing nearby watching' invading a child's personal space? Did you take a small leap there?

And where was the 'taking their stuff' derived from?

Apologies, that was my mistake re: 3/4 year olds. I can see how it is a bit trickier with kids that age but not entirely normal to keep whacking a child who is holding on to her mother. And some shitty parenting if the other parents don't discipline their child if they see this going on.

Your 2 yr old is invading the private space of 3-4yr olds then taking their stuff so the lash out

Many don't lash out though. It's only a few, but it seems there's one in every playground or softplay. I've no problem with boisterous play or taking back toys that are theirs. But lashing out aggressively at a younger child is unacceptable and needs the parent to intervene. Otherwise gentle, timid children suffer. Why should a two-year-old get injured because she picked up the wrong spade in the sandpit, or pushed over and kicked because she stood too close to another child?

Again op how do you know they are older?

I feel for you OP. How horrible kids can be was probably my biggest shock after becoming a parent. My eldest was about 2 at soft play and two older boys had cornered him and were hitting him with a toy mallet. Seconds before they were all playing nicely together and as soon as I turned my back to order tea they went for it. I still feel sick thinking about it and avoid soft play at all times now!

'lashing out aggressively at a younger child is unacceptable'

It is really starting to sound like you don't understand young children or age appropriate behaviour.

'and needs the parent to intervene.'

Yes.

There's a distinction.

Why don't you say no that's not yours and stop her from taking other people's stuff? Are you the kind of parent who thinks it's fine for their toddler to touch other people? I hate it when sticky spit handed toddlers try to touch me. Some mums think it's marvellous because it's so cute though. Take the marvel elsewhere.

Agree you need to teach your DD to ask before taking things. It's polite, teaches her that you can't just pick up other people's things and also avoids agro.

DC can get quite possessive over some of their toys (and sometimes they just don't care - difficult to predict).

Both my DSes have gone through phases of being very protective of their toys and at other times not caring in the least who picks them up. And it evolves with age.

DS1 (nearly 6) is back into a phase of not liking to share because he is now aware that if we're not careful, someone could leave the park with our toys (hasn't happened yet but he is at school and is aware that people can take your stuff)

DS2 (3) hasn't got this awareness yet and has grown out of his toddler protectiveness so is currently quite happy to leave his toys lying around for others to pick up.

Why should a two-year-old get injured because she picked up the wrong spade in the sandpit, or pushed over and kicked because she stood too close to another child?

You need to be with her telling her she can't have that spade and move her when she's too close to others.

Again op how do you know they are older?

In parks- by their size! DD is 99th percentile. At toddler groups I know most of the mums so I'm aware of who has just turned 3 or 4.

Toys and Trees, about the spade- I'm talking about a large sandpit with some communal toys and some that kids have brought. I do step in if she picks up a toy belonging to someone else. But often it's a communal sand toy that another child gets violent over. I would be mortified if she thumped a one year old for picking up her toy.

Clearly some of these kids know their behaviour is wrong, or they wouldn't wait for me to look away before attacking.

It is really starting to sound like you don't understand young children or age appropriate behaviour

What do you think is age appropriate behaviour for a 3-4 year old? Is it acceptable to throw rocks at toddlers, kick them, shove them over, pour sand over their heads and generally hurt them because they're smaller and weaker?

My friend's 3 year old is very gentle with DD, she looks out for her and helps her climb the nets in softplay. She gets possessive over toys sometimes but there is no physical violence.