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AIBU?

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Original poster

Other children attacking my toddler

81 replies

ChangeCat · 19/07/2017 10:34

She seems to attract bullies! Playgrounds, the beach, soft play... they think I'm not looking then push her over, refuse to let her on equipment or throw sand or water in her face. Last week a boy threw a rock at her, I told him off but she was scared by then and wanted to leave.

She's sociable (if a bit shy) and approaches them expecting a friendly reaction. She doesn't push in or take things, she waits her turn for the slide etc. They sometimes play with her a bit then try to hurt her Angry At the top of the slide the bigger kids try to push her out of the way so they can go first!

She's just two and these children are usually 3-4 year olds. They seem really aggressive for no reason!

How do I stop this and give her confidence?

OP posts:
Prezel1979 · 19/07/2017 11:28

What Zebras said. Some of it is not malicious and just needs calm policing. Some of it is bad behaviour and then I used to tell the offending children off, while also moving my kids to a different activity if necessary.

When you tell them off, confine it to the situation - "No, we do not hit" or "No, it is DD's turn to slide, your place in the queue is here." Don't go into childrearing questions like demanding apologies, even if you would from your own child.

Once, I fetched the parent, when the child refused to budge from the slide. But if you fill yourself with inner certainty that they are absolutely going to obey you, they usually do Grin. If you feel unsure about telling off another child, they sense it and call you out.

In the case of the boy chasing your daughter and hitting her in front of you, I would have taken him over to his mother, said "your son is hitting my daughter" and left them to it. No point getting annoyed about the strawberries, it is annoying but that's up to her. I also agree with Zebras that your real solution is probably to be found in steering her to play with more similarly-aged children.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/07/2017 11:30

I agree,you can't sit down and watch your dd from a distance, you need to hover at this age.

Spikeyball · 19/07/2017 11:31

You need to supervise her constantly. That is the only way when your child is younger or just more vunerable than the others. I sometimes have to get on play equipment with my 11 year old with severe sn to make sure he and the others are safe ( he may hit out if others invade his space or are very noisy ).
Some pushing and grabbing is normal when young children play together but it is fine to ask them to be more gentle if it gets too rough.

araiwa · 19/07/2017 11:37

Have you never met 4 year olds before?

Its your job to closely supervise and take care of your dd. Especially if she is with bigger kids

highinthesky · 19/07/2017 11:53

OP, if you don't assert yourself in these situations your DD is not going to feel like you are on her side. You have to be firm with other parents.

We all know how willful kids can be. Just this morning my mum was busy pacfying DD aged 2, whilst she was screaming her head off. Between the noise the pair of them were making I struggled to make the point that DD wasn't to repeat what she did (piling up random objects to access a high shelf depite clear warnings). Discipline must come from other parents.

ppeatfruit · 19/07/2017 13:20

A 2 yr old is a baby, growing up a little bit. Warnings aren't going to work highin They haven't the memory or understanding.

You just have to find something else for them to do, take them out and or check that they're not hungry, tired or thirsty.

I speak as an ex minder\nanny to 5 families, Mo3 and EY teacher.

toosexyforyahshirt · 19/07/2017 13:41

You really need to stop looking at them as nasty or bullies. They aren't, any more than yours will be when she behaves exactly the same as them at their age.
You'll look back on this and cringe.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/07/2017 13:48

I agree toosexy

Imchangingmyname · 19/07/2017 13:54

Your first? She will be doing the pushing soon. Wonder what your reaction will be...? Bet I can guess Wink

Toysaurus · 19/07/2017 14:16

Actually I've had a bloody day of it but the other way around. My ten year old has been kicked, had his hair pulled, had a car smashed over his head and sand thrown in his eyes by a few different toddlers. He was very patient but I was pissed off at parents not supervising their toddlers to the point I was telling a two year old to stop kicking him in the face.

Eli, Eli, we don't throw sand, Eli, no don't throw it in the boy's face he doesn't like it. Eli don't do that. Fuck off Eli's mum, get off your ass and stop your child from doing it, don't constantly whine at him. Fred's dad was also uselss and didn't stop Jessie from standing at the bottom of the slide stopping children coming down.

It was piss taking. Parents who thought the world literally revolved around Eli, Fred and Jessie, while they stood like willowy twats doing jack shit to stop their toddlers pissing everyone else off.

YokoReturns · 19/07/2017 14:19

A tiger mum is a competitive mum who pushes her kids to achieve, I think some posters mean 'lioness' when talking about protecting their children.

paxillin · 19/07/2017 14:20

I think many of us thought this when our PFB was 2. Intrepid explorer bullied by the naughty big kids. When you have an 8 year old you'll get annoyed at people letting their baby tumble about on the slides and then coming over to tell the big kids off.

Tiny toddlers need a parent next to them unless in a tiny toddlers-only place. If you have to come running, you've been too far away to start with at that age. They won't push her with mum next to her.

Original poster
ChangeCat · 19/07/2017 15:08

I'm rarely more than 5 metres away. For example I sit on a bench next to the sandpit rather than climb in it. She's very quick and likes running, unlike a younger toddler who is happy to potter around your legs. I don't agree with being within arms length at all times, they need a bit of independence.

We mostly go the under 5s section of the playgrounds.

I know a toddler doesn't intend to be 'nasty' but intentionally hurting a much younger child is aggressive and terrifying. It's not the same as toddlers hurting a 10-year-old in the sandpit- the 10-year old is much bigger, stronger and can shrug them off when they get annoying.

OP posts:
paxillin · 19/07/2017 15:14

2 year olds do not need independence. But 2 year olds tumbling about on a playground with much older kids stop their independence. They need to learn to sort out their own disputes (just the ones you describe, slides etc). But your 2 year old cannot do that.

funkynoodle · 19/07/2017 15:20

Maybe more thought should be put into where you are bringing your child to pla?. Irish play parks have age categorised equipment which is a great way to stop older children from being impatient with the younger!

Maybe use your initiative and have a think about whether older children will be impatient with her using the equipment to play.

I know this is completely unfair and its horrible that you would need to do this but, it might save other children being mean. Then when she is a bit older she can fend her herself.

(p.s What I mean by this is... For a 2yo choose to go on the smaller slides or the support swings)

Could this be a mismatch between equipment and child that is putting your child in this position?

TheMysteriousJackelope · 19/07/2017 15:25

I saw this quite a bit when my DC were toddlers.

Quite often it's as if the parents think their three or four year olds are old enough to know not to push and shove so slack off on watching them like hawks. The problem is the children do know how to behave when parents are watching them, but haven't worked out they are supposed to behave like that when their parents are not watching them. Add in being over excited, lacking impulse control and not having much experience of how dangerous pushing and shoving on playground equipment can be and it's not surprising things go bad.

The play areas in the mall were the worst. Too many children crowded in, loads of four or five year olds with parents who were pretty much zoned out after lugging children and shopping around all morning. A lot of children were well behaved but there were plenty of children pushing in front, not letting others climb up things, and running around and bumping smaller children.

All you can do is keep close to your own child.

PetyrBaelish · 19/07/2017 15:32

"2 year olds do not need independence" - That's quite an assertion. I really think they do, it's how they learn to say 'no' and grab a toy back after it gets snatched instead of falling to pieces. (I know I am generalising and this doesn't always work).

Toysaurus · 19/07/2017 15:38

OP I disagree. You deal with a ten year old have a fucking autistic meltdown because some shitty parents let their Children do what the fuck they like. It gets exhausting trying to parent other people's children when it's hard enough keeping mine calm enough so he doesn't punch them in the face when he's being deliberately hurt. Just parent your child. He shouldn't have to even shrug off anyone else's child and If they've hurt him deliberately or thrown sand in his eyes he won't always understand or cope with it. Supervise them properly. His shrugs hurt.

toosexyforyahshirt · 19/07/2017 15:38

Look up the what independent means and you'll realise its not any kind of assertion, but simple fact. 2 year olds are not, cannot and do not need to be independent.

paxillin · 19/07/2017 15:40

Nope, 2 year olds learn nothing from the "independence" of mum being too far away to prevent them from being hurt. Snatching back a toy and saying "No" does not need to be practised in my experience.

FlandersRocks · 19/07/2017 15:47

Children older than your own always look really alarming

This. I simply don't believe that soft plays and playgrounds are full of horrible, thuggish and bullying 3 and four year olds. You always get the odd one or two...but more likely that the majority are normal but just look massive and scary and rough next to your 2 year old.

I had my first instance of this feeling with ds3 last week who's 9 weeks old. He was sitting happily in a bouncy chair, swinging his legs and next minute he's surrounded by these massive, rough thuggish 16/18 month olds pushing and shoving and barreling past which irritated the fuck out of me - but realistically I realise this is my issue!

Spikeyball · 19/07/2017 16:12

Changecat some older children can find toddlers that are allowed to pester and annoy them, difficult to cope with. They aren't all able to shrug it off.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 19/07/2017 16:15

My DD is also one of those kids OP who is lovely but seems to attract bullies. Like they're easy prey or something Sad as a PP said you can't control other children's behaviour, I've told my DD to come tell me if anything happens and I always stick up for her. I think with kids like ours it's important they see us do that and I'm hoping mine will learn from me how to eventually stick up for themselves

Lurkedforever1 · 19/07/2017 17:28

Just to give an alternative view, how sure are you that all these dc are much older? Dd has always been v tall, and was an early talker too. And I couldn't begin to say how many occasions parents of other dc misjudged her age. Loads of times when she was being a perfectly normal 2/3/4/5 yr old, other parents of dc who were either her age or older thought she was being careless or mean because they assumed she was 4/5/6/7. Not throwing rocks, but eg snatching her own belongings back, or not taking care when someones older but smaller child started climbing right behind her.

bluechameleon · 19/07/2017 17:38

YABU to call 3-4 year olds bullies. They are still learning how to behave and don't need to be judged. Judge their parents if you must and they really aren't supervising adequately.