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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with sick dh

60 replies

oneleggedfatbird · 19/07/2017 08:58

Just need a rant. I've mentioned dh and brain tumour before. He's moved out to a flat that is better for his needs; we're still 'together' though. It's over the other side of town, half an hour if there's no traffic (there is ALWAYS traffic). Yesterday he told me that he thought i don't give a shit. I nearly exploded. I have four children, two dogs, work part time, have a home to run etcetc. I'm run ragged. He says I'm not doing enough for him. AIBU to want to tell him to fuck right off? This is while I'm pushing a trolley round Morrison's doing his shopping for him having been at work all day. Yet to feed kids and walk dogs. Last week i spent two days sorting out his paperwork. Three hour phone call to DWP. Tedious shit. I've had enough. Sorry to rant.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 19/07/2017 09:09

What did you say to him when he said that? I hope I was fuck off.

Rant away, if he needs a carer then maybe it's time to look into that.

gamerchick · 19/07/2017 09:10

Why has he moved out? Surely living on his own won't help?

XJerseyGirlX · 19/07/2017 09:11

4 kids, 2 dogs, a job, a house and a sick DP! OP I would have told him to fuck off too. You poor thing rant away.

Is the flat a permanent move or just long term temporary?

caffeinestream · 19/07/2017 09:13

Brain tumours can alter your personality, can't they? Unless he's always been like this, it's probably a side effect of his condition, which is shit for both of you.

Why did he move out? Surely that causes more work and expenses for you? Can he not move back home and have carers come to the house?

for both of you.

Syc4moreTrees · 19/07/2017 09:18

Would it be possible for you to rent your main home out and then rent something you can all live in together? You've obviously got a lot on your plate, but really it isn't his fault he is sick, and his grumpy mood could be a side effect of the tumour, or of living with the knowledge you have a tumour. I think it sounds hard on both of you.

whifflesqueak · 19/07/2017 09:21

I imagine this is hard on both of you.

I'm sure my husband would feel desperately lonely if he had to move away from our family home. Can you Skype or FaceTime in the evenings?

I'm sorry you're going though this op. It sounds like a massive emotional burden.

Serialweightwatcher · 19/07/2017 09:33

Don't know if you've posted before or not, but would assume he's scared and miserable and just wants to know someone cares - I know you physically do a heck of a lot by the sounds of it, but maybe he just needs reassurance

thereallochnessmonster · 19/07/2017 09:33

Why has he moved out?

If a woman had a brain tumour and moved out of the family home to live by herself, I'm sure all of MN would be baying for her husband's blood.

What's the back story?

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/07/2017 09:35

Yes a brain tumour can affect a person but the OP doesnt say that it is out of character for him so I suspect he has always been a bit of a selfish tosser but now he has an excuse.

I agree that it seems odd that he has moved out though and so far away, how on earth is that better for his needs if he thinks that you should do more for him? Either he is living independently and therefore needs to arrange carers etc or if he wants you to do this for him then he needs to help you help him by living either at home or a damn sight closer to home.

BarbarianMum · 19/07/2017 09:36

I'd also like to understand the backstory - is there a previous thread.

ConstanceCraving · 19/07/2017 09:37

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate OP.

There must be more to this though if he's moved out whilst being so ill?

TwentyYears · 19/07/2017 09:40

onelegged I haven't seen your previous posts but have you had help from a neuropsychology or acquired brain injury team? They can sometimes really help. Not all GPs know if there is a service in their area so it's worth pushing to get referred to one. Some even let you refer yourself. Google those terms for your area. You could also try Headway, a charity for those with brain injuries.

zen1 · 19/07/2017 09:47

Is he the one who has form for being abusive to you OP (prior to the brain tumour)? I think I remember you previous post about him.

Cromwell1536 · 19/07/2017 09:53

Wow, OP, you have a lot on your plate. As others have said, no back story to go on about the state of your marriage generally and your husband's previous character and behaviour.Serious illness can challenge people's selflessness and consideration for others, and terminal illness even more so - all their energy taken up in surviving the day-to-day. Not an excuse for shitty behaviour, but just a fact that those living around the person have to take into account. Can you get practical caring help from NHS/social services/charity sector so that the physical load on you is reduced? And take a look at your week and build in some nice time for yourself/with the kids/friends? I realise that might seem like an impossible task at the moment, but you know where this level of stress and work is heading, don't you?

SlothMama · 19/07/2017 10:02

It's a difficult situation and I imagine very stressful for you OP, could he do his shopping online? I'd suggest contacting Headway or at least urging your partner to, they are really helpful.

RB68 · 19/07/2017 10:08

I think my response wld be I am too busy doing shit to give a shit - now let me get on with YOUR shopping, before delivering YOUR shopping and then prioritising OUR children Ill or not saying crap like this isn't helping. Or alternatively I would ask him if he wanted a list of what I was up to and while he was at it did he want to pay me for the care services

pictish · 19/07/2017 10:08

Is he the father of your children?

LakieLady · 19/07/2017 10:18

He needs to get assessed by Adult Social Care and see how much support they're able to provide. And you need a carer's assessment.

Explore charities that could help: Headway are great, so are Macmillan if his tumour is malignant. They will be able to help with all the benefit stuff.

Are there ways the support he needs could be provided more easily? You could do his shopping online from home, for example, which would be quicker and less stressful.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/07/2017 10:19

What a very difficult situation, I really feel for you OP.
Is there any chance some sort of help could be put in place, for your DH, or a day centre, he could attend.

LightDrizzle · 19/07/2017 10:21

Rant away to us and to friends, tell him you are doing a lot, you understand what he's going through but you are doing everything you can.

As others have said, his tumour may be affecting his behaviour and mental state, ask his consultant about it at your next appointment. Or his fear and the uncertainly may have made him particularly needy and myopic. Whatever, it's incredibly hard on those closest to him and you are only human.
💐

WannaBe · 19/07/2017 10:32

The problem with serious illness is that it affects everyone who is dealing with it, not just the person who is ill. But brain tumours can have an impact on personality which may be affecting him adversely anyway. Also, if he was like this prior to diagnosis it's possible that the tumour was there undetected for a while. Added to which, being alone doesn't help because he will have time to dwell on how he's feeling/what he's going through etc.

I have a serious heart condition and I have been seriously affected by side effects from medication etc. On days when I am really feeling ill I really don't cope well with being on my own, and I was previously the most independent person I know. My DP sometimes comes down if I'm really ill and him being there makes a massive difference, but as soon as he's gone I find myself dwelling on all manner of unnecessary crap and then I have to work really hard so that he doesn't get the brunt of it because none of it is his fault.

If your house doesn't suit his needs is there somewhere else you could move to so you can still all be together? What is his long-term prognosis?

Janiston · 19/07/2017 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groupie123 · 19/07/2017 10:42

Why has he moved out? What does 'together' mean? If you can't handle the dogs get rid. But your DH has a point. If you are still together then you should be doing more for him - you can start by moving him back in, or moving yourself and the kids to him.

Original poster

oneleggedfatbird · 19/07/2017 10:54

Ok, back story. Met 12 years ago. He's ten years older than me. The two you get children are hi. Two older ones live with their dad (their choice), oldest is mentally ill and second has learning disabilities. The family home is a VERY small space, he's a big man and doesn't know what his left side is doing or where it is. So HE CHOSE to move out of the family home. @janiston made me laugh 'some kind of leper!' There is an older thread but I don't know how to tag it. We went to relate last year and I thought we were doing ok, then he got his diagnosis. Bloody awful eight weeks before operation as his diabetes spiraled out of control. Numerous hospital admissions. Then i cracked and walked out a week after the op. We have been doing ok since. Getting support from psych at the hospice; he attends once a week. Recent scan shows the tumour hasn't grown anymore and not going to be seen at the hospital til next year.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 10:55

He's absolutely taking the PISS OP... tumour or not.. tell this man to get a bloody grip... isolating himself from his family but expecting the home comforts of being waited on hand and foot ...

Tell him to get a Carer/Home Help x

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