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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with sick dh

60 replies

oneleggedfatbird · 19/07/2017 08:58

Just need a rant. I've mentioned dh and brain tumour before. He's moved out to a flat that is better for his needs; we're still 'together' though. It's over the other side of town, half an hour if there's no traffic (there is ALWAYS traffic). Yesterday he told me that he thought i don't give a shit. I nearly exploded. I have four children, two dogs, work part time, have a home to run etcetc. I'm run ragged. He says I'm not doing enough for him. AIBU to want to tell him to fuck right off? This is while I'm pushing a trolley round Morrison's doing his shopping for him having been at work all day. Yet to feed kids and walk dogs. Last week i spent two days sorting out his paperwork. Three hour phone call to DWP. Tedious shit. I've had enough. Sorry to rant.

OP posts:

User843022 · 19/07/2017 10:55

'4 kids, 2 dogs, a job, a house and a sick DP! OP I would have told him to fuck off too. You poor thing rant away.'

As others have said if there's a huge back story to this you should maybe mention it. On the basis of your op you sound horrible.

Tell him to shop online, how old are your dc? Cant they walk the dogs?Sorry you're having a tough time but to say you are sick of a dh with a brain tumour without saying why other than the traffic's a nuisance is all a bit odd.

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 10:56

inidentally... on paper you are legally seperated.... should he be Terminally ill.... you and your kids will inherit nothing... so think on x

Groupie123 · 19/07/2017 10:57

I still don't understand this living arrangement. You all need to get a bigger house and live together. Not trying to be goady OP, but you don't really seem like a family to me. Maybe this is a sign to finally end things? I get overprotective when my husband so much as knocks a tooth out, could not imagine a situation where I'd be ok for him to move out with a brain tumour.

Groupie123 · 19/07/2017 10:59

@gemini69 has a point. You are legally seperate and his eldest kids' mum could challenge you to any assets on their behalf.

caffeinestream · 19/07/2017 11:02

He's obviously very unwell - a brain tumour and out of control diabetes. Both are hard enough to deal with on their own, let alone both together when you have a wife and kids and you can't really help.

I suspect he's feeling pretty powerless and is wrongly taking his frustrations out on you. Can you really afford to have him living away from home? Practicalities aside, running a second home for him must be a huge financial burden on you. If his condition is so bad that he can't really control half of his body, does he not qualify for home help? Or if he doesn't qualify for state care, can you not bring him back home and use the money you're saving (as you won't be paying for 2 homes) and pay for some care or counselling or something for the two of you?

It sounds difficult and utterly miserable and I don't really know what the solution is. I feel sorry for all of you. and

user1476869312 · 19/07/2017 11:23

Sounds as though he'd been abusive for years and is now milking his illness to continue controlling OP. Yes, it's sad that he is ill, but bad things happen to shitty people as well and it's understandable that OP feels frustration rather than anything else.
Look into getting as much additional support as possible, OP. You do not have to be responsible for this man on your own and you are not legally obliged to care for him at all if you want to end the relationship.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 11:25

What stage brain tumour is it ? He sounds like he needs support not to be living alone . My wonderful dad died of a grade 4 brain tumour and his personality massively changed due to location of tumour . I don't want to sound patronising but have you researched his type of tumour to find out how it affects his behaviour etc ? He needs help and so do you . Brain tumour trust is amazing for advice and they will recommend services which may help you both

pictish · 19/07/2017 11:28

He's got a bloody cheek and that's all there is to it.
If he wants to live on his own, let him. He can do his own shopping.

ohtheholidays · 19/07/2017 11:35

With the shopping could it not be done online?and with your children you said you have 4DC but only 2 live at home,I mean I don't know you may still be heavily involved in they're lifes but believe me your not the only person coping with something like this.

I suffered serious brain damage a year after having our 5th DC and 3 of our DC are asd and the oldest has MH problems and I constantly feel self loathing and guilt over my DH's work load but I honestly think he'd rather chop of his own arm than have me move out and believe me I have offered,I offered to move into a special facility and to get extra help in for him with the DC and the house but he's my Husband so he sucks it up bless him and gets on with it all just like I would for him.

If your relationship was previously abusive because of your DH then it would make sense why you wouldn't want to care for him and if that's the case then the best thing you could do is help him find a carer and support from somewhere else.

User843022 · 19/07/2017 12:05

I did an AS to see if there was much more to this and other than the op saying how hard it was for her after dhs diagnosis, I can't see any history of abuse. Just the 'whole mess' reminded her of an abusive ex? I must be wrong op so apologies if he has been abusive.

'Three hour phone call to DWP. Tedious shit. I've had enough. '
Yes dealing with the DWP can be 'time consuming and tedious', it's no fun for anyone especially those with life changing illnesses.

Has he no one else to help him, other than someone who clearly doesn't want to? Ask Macmillan, they may well have volunteers who would be a more willing advocate for him?

Willow2017 · 19/07/2017 12:37

The ops dh decided himself to move out for whatever reason without extra support in place.

Now op is expected to work, take care of their kids and pets and the house and still take care of him an hours round trip away but he is moaning she doesnt do enough!

The diabetes thing was before he had his operation obviously things are better now if the hospital dont even want to see him for a whole year.

OP you need to see if he can have support at home I know Things are not so easy to get these days but you could see about aids in the house and carers to help with personal care etc.

This is putting a huge strain on you and consequently your relationship. Was he impatient and demanding before this? Does the tumour have a bearing on his personality or is it situated elsewhere?

Perhaps the therapy might help over time. Can you attend a session to put your side of the relationship across to him in a supportive environment?

JessicaEccles · 19/07/2017 12:47

I think you need to actually seperate from your husband, and put in place some support for him. This half and half relationship cannot be doing either of you any good.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/07/2017 14:45

They are not legally seperated at all. THere is no formal separation agreement and they are still married. Lots of people live apart during marriages for a variety of reasons and it doesnt affect inheritances. Stop spouting stuff that you know nothing about, its not helpful.

Willow2017 · 19/07/2017 16:44

I took it that OPs oldest kids live with their dad not the dh in the post. She said that they youngest 2 are his.
So no ex wife to be muscelling in on anything for her kids. Not that she could anyway as they are not legally seperated at all!

I cant imagin how hard it must be for OP when her husband decided to move out and have no support in his new house but to just presume she would support him in a new house a distance away from her plus their old house and their kids and work!

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 17:59

She spent hours on the phone sorting out his paperwork.... with DWP.. so they know he's living at a separate address and living alone... this is called Separation...

He's claiming his rent and benefits a separate address ....

this is not good....

MargaretTwatyer · 19/07/2017 18:07

Jesus, just read your other thread. He sounds like a dick but your response to his illness seems to have been to whinge about how hard it's made your life and how difficult it's made things for you. Really not on.

Gemini69 · 19/07/2017 18:10

MargaretTwatyer

oooooozing of tea and sympathy ....

MargaretTwatyer · 19/07/2017 18:11

And the OP said that he'd moved out because the flat is better adapted to his disabilities. It's not like he's just moved out on a whim for no reason.

MargaretTwatyer · 19/07/2017 18:11

I'm kind of sorry for a bloke with a brain tumour who's being told what a bloody inconvenience he is TBH.

Musicaltheatremum · 19/07/2017 18:28

Even a low grade brain tumour causes huge problems. Mental fatigue, mental slowing, personality change, emotional changes, depression.
My husband had a "benign" low grade (2) Tumour. The last 5 years were really hard. Yes we only saw the consultant once a year as it was "stable" but they are a unique form of cancer and his apathy drove me up the wall at times. We had a very strong relationship and he was a lovely man but sometimes I wanted to run away.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/07/2017 22:37

gemini as I said, a lot of people live seperately during marriages for a variety of reasons and as long as there is no benefit fraud then there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. If he were to die tomorrow then because they are married all the standard inheritance laws with the OP as spouse would apply, their living arrangements wouldnt have any influence at all.

Willow2017 · 19/07/2017 23:59

gemini unless they get a divorce they are still married doesn't matter where they live!

Sprinklestar · 20/07/2017 03:01

I've just read your other thread and I feel incredibly sorry for your DP. I can't imagine how hurtful he must have found you leaving him when he came out of hospital. He's essentially dying and most of his behaviour will have been caused or exacerbated by his condition. Yes, it's shit for you and it's shit being a carer, but wouldn't he do the same for you? Can't you think back to the man you fell in love with? It's like you're blaming him for being ill, when you must know that this isn't the 'real' him. Living on his own will hugely increase the chances of other medical issues - if he falls, or has a seizure and doesn't get help quickly. Why would you do that to someone you love(d)?

Iflyaway · 20/07/2017 05:16

Janiston - nasty post and jumping to conclusions.

Groupie123 is harsh too.

All so easy to speculate and jump right in with judgements, eh?

OP - you sound overwhelmed. So sorry you are going through all this.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/07/2017 05:24

My mum died of a brain tumour, she changed so much in the 2 months between diagnosis and her death. She was never affectionate before but she was insistent on repeatedly telling you she loved you after diagnosis, and wanted lots of hugs, which freaked me out as for the previous 20 years of my life i'd had to beg her for even a half assed hug back or a returned "i love you".

It makes no sense to me how you could let him move out tbh. My dad cared for my mum, as well as me and my sister who were both crippled by MH issues at the time and were dependent like young kids. No help and no complaints he'd be horrified at the very idea of leaving my mum or having her move out or go to a hospice etc. He cared for her in her own home as long as he possibly could until she got too ill, needed emergency hospital treatment and was released to a hospice on her discharge just 5 days prior to her death. I honestly cannot begin to understand how you walked out on him when he was diagnosed and aren't more sympathetic to him when he is clearly terrified and knows he's dying.

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