to be pissed off with sick dh

[oneleggedfatbird]

Just need a rant. I've mentioned dh and brain tumour before. He's moved out to a flat that is better for his needs; we're still 'together' though. It's over the other side of town, half an hour if there's no traffic (there is ALWAYS traffic). Yesterday he told me that he thought i don't give a shit. I nearly exploded. I have four children, two dogs, work part time, have a home to run etcetc. I'm run ragged. He says I'm not doing enough for him. AIBU to want to tell him to fuck right off? This is while I'm pushing a trolley round Morrison's doing his shopping for him having been at work all day. Yet to feed kids and walk dogs. Last week i spent two days sorting out his paperwork. Three hour phone call to DWP. Tedious shit. I've had enough. Sorry to rant.

I don't believe the reasons you give for him living elsewhere, bug man in a small house?? C'mon!!! Get the kids to care for and walk the dogs, lower your housekeeping standards for now. Get your H to move back in. Be there for him.

I remember your previous post op.

He was abusive before the tumour wasn't he? And continues to be abusive.

Before everyone starts condemning the op remember she has 2 young dcs at home too. My stepfather was mentally ill and abused my mum for years. The fact he was mentally ill doesn't make it easier for children to deal with.

for you op. If he doesn't need to be seen until next year he is well enough to live independently unless his condition changes. And that means doing his own shopping cleaning etc.

He wasn't abusive, he swore at her like she swears at him but HE has a brain tumour which kind of gives him a bit of a pass?

I'd love to see the MN reaction to a man who walked out on his wife while she was in for surgery on a brain tumour them told her 'not to expect me to be your unpaid housekeeper' when they needed care, prioritised the dogs above them and told them to fuck off when they complained.

Put it this way, the woman wouldn't be called a piss taker and posters wouldn't be agonising over his financial situation.

Only on MN could someone dying of a brain tumour be taking the piss by expecting their spouse to care for them.

And Frouby, he's not well enough to look after himself. He spends a day a week in a hospice plus he has a Macmillan carer according to the OPs own posts.

I'm living this just now. Nothing is ever good enough. No one cares. I don't visit often enough. I'm late when I get there. Why am I leaving so early? My Dsis is now in a care home 200 miles away and I get that and more three times a week when I visit. 5 hours round trip to drive or 8 hours on public transport. And yes, sometimes my love and compassion go right out of the window and I just snap or dissolve into tears. OP, it is so tough for you.

I find the McMillan nurse incredibly supportive, as is the neuroncology nurse. I find the care workers less so, as they have less understanding of the condition (and for minimum wage why they put up with such unreasonable behaviour I don't know). Just like several posters here, friends and family have no insight. There are relatives support groups but with FT job, visiting and travelling I just can't find the space to attend. Guess you would be the same, OP.

I don't think it's helpful that people who don't have brain tumours pile in criticising the OP or the OP's DH. Brain tumours profoundly affect the patients' personality. It's the largest cause of death from cancer yet only attracts less than 2% of funding. BTW, apparently irrelevant whether tumour grows, the patient's psychological and physical condition still deteriorates. Depends on type of tumour but generally two thirds don't make it past five years.

Bloody horrible situation to be in, OP.

sorry - that should be experience of brain tumours

Wish there was an edit function!

Just popping in to tell you, if you're in England and Wales, you're not legally separated unless you've done it officially. You'd know about it if you had. And the two posts about him dying and assets are completely nonsensical. Please don't pay any attention at all to them.

Margaret if the OP and her dh are swearing at each other then surely they are better off living apart for the sake of the dcs? I can't remember the exact details of the last thread but remember it striking a chord with me. I think the general view was that they should live apart but may be mistaken.

Either way the OP only has so many hours in the day. Only so much to give. Her dcs and dogs are utterly dependent on her. She needs to work. In a normal, loving relationship the DH would be at home. But it wasn't a normal relationship. An illness of whatever type doesn't mean that the ill person gets a free pass to be abusive. And it doesn't mean that the dcs have to suffer or even the OP.

It's much more complicated than 'he has a brain tumour and I couldn't be arsed to have him at home so he is in a flat out of the way'.

It may well be that they are better off living apart. But come on, the OP needs to give her head a wobble about who is the terminally ill one here. The kids aren't babies, the youngest is at the end of primary and the two eldest don't even live with her. And quite frankly fuck the dogs, if your spouse is terminally ill they come above the dogs every time.

I care for a family member and it's a hard and thankless task and it's easy to get frustrated and I could understand if it was a vent on here. But to complain to a terminally ill spouse about what a burden they are and tell them to fuck off and make their illness all about you and the stress it causes you is really, really not on.

Absolutely agree with Margaret. Abusive doesn't quite cover it when it's aggression caused by a brain tumour, at least not in the LTB sense that's seen here on a regular basis. And I say that as someone who has had a relative die of a brain tumour recently, so I have a good idea of what I'm talking about. Unless there is more to the backstory that isn't in your other post, OP, I think you're being incredibly cruel.

To all the posters saying there are only so many hours in the day, the OP has to look after herself etc, yes, she does, but this is a terminally ill man we're talking about! I hope you're never in this position, cast aside as a burden because you're unwell.