To think helping one person out financially doesn't mean I have to help everyone?

[OreosAreLovely]

Hello, hoping for some advice.
My mum who lives in my home country (the uk) has struggled a fair bit recently.
Her income dropped considerably and she ended up in a big cycle of debt. She was forced to move due to bedroom tax and her new home was completely bare floored etc. she couldn't afford carpets and was already sinking because of everything (credit cards a catalogue etc) and moving costs.
So I helped her out, ordered her a few bits and pieces and paid someone to carpet her bedroom, put Lino down in the living room and bathroom.
I'm about to finish this off for her by paying for her hallway carpet and my young siblings bedroom carpet and buying him some new sensory things (he has ASD).
On top of this I pay her (very low) weekly rent, chunks off the biggest of her 3 debts and a monthly shop so all she has to buy is bread/milk and fresh things.

I'm not looking for criticism on what I do for my mum she is an amazing woman and I wouldn't be where I am today without her help... she is hardworking and generous and has helped me in the past too. I consider her my best friend.
My sister on the other hand... well we'll see what you think.
Works 15-30hrs per week her partner works full time, 1DC. No childcare costs and as far as I'm aware they're ticking along nicely.
Today she messages me and says the following (copied and pasted but names removed)
"Hello Oreos.
I'm really unhappy about something...
you offer all this help to mum but none to me!
We'd like to come out and see you but can't really afford that what with (dh expensive hobby) and saving for a holiday for ourselves. Offering to pay for this would be nice but no you don't offer anything! Mums told me all about the things you do for her, my carpet is almost 8 years old I could do with a replacement too but yet again you don't offer this. Why do you want to see me struggling?"...
was I justified in my response of
"Hi sister name.
It's difficult for me to see where you're coming from.
I'd be happy to consider helping you if you asked for my help or were indeed in need of it.
I think having extreme financial difficulties cannot be compared to saving for a holiday or (her dh name) spending x amount on (hobby). Rest assured that if you had lost 25%+ of your income and was forced into spending £1000 on moving into a home you couldn't afford to furnish I'd be the first person there to help, but you're not, so I don't get where you're coming from"

Sister has always been quite entitled (think asking for £7000, which is a lot to me, for Christmas ) and when I gave her young son a birthday card with £200 she questioned why I couldn't afford/didn't spend more... so this may colour my opinions drastically.

So was i being unreasonable in my response and would you be bothered if your sister or brother was helping out a relative a lot but didn't offer you help?

I have nothing helpful to add except that your mum is lucky to have you and you don't need to justify why your help her. I really hope she finds her feet and gets settled in her life. She deserves happiness and stability.

As for your sister, she's quite something else. How did your mother end up with daughters like you both - one selfish and grabby and one caring and generous? Total polar opposites. Please don't cave in. You owe her nothing.

Play the guilt card. "So after mum has raised us and been there always for both of us and is going through all these financial difficulties. Don't you think its good way of showing appreciation for all shes done for us?"

She cant then compare herself to your mum. Maybe itl shut her up.

You are doing such a nice thing for your mum, and I know it must stop some of the worries your mum has, as to your sister just tell her that your sorry she can't manage on her income, but she choose her life and partner and it is not up to you to bankroll her.
And no don't ever pay her deposit or for a carpet, that is not your job, it's hers and her husbands.

My ex's mum had a teenager who was essentially an 18 month old. He sounds so very similar to your brother and they really are a black hole for money. Not their fault. But my god do they require a lot.

I think your mum must have been and still must be a fantastic mum, and the fact that you are in a position to help her and your brother out, is amazing. Your sister is a grabby, entitled douche.

I would definitely reply with asking her to split the costs with you for all the financial help your mother and brother need.

Watch her run.

Honestly, your mum is lucky you can help as it is such a difficult thing, needing something, properly needing something, and having to buy it on credit card/finance at an extortionate interest rate.

Your sister needs to go back to cheeky fucker land.

Omg this is my brother LOL.

I think you should pull back from being so generous - with your sister these gifts seem to now be 'an entitlement' rather than a generous gesture. I've seen that happen before and it takes all the good out of doing something nice.

Tell your grabby sister if she is "struggling" that maybe she should try and make her carpets last longer than 8 years, and when they need to be replaced her DH uses his expensive hobby money.

eyes my perfectly servicable 12 year old carpets

A few years ago my parents had major financial problems. My sister was able to help when I couldn't. All I ever felt was relief that she could do it, plus a little disappointment that I couldn't. I certainly never wondered where my new carpet was.

Op yanbu, your sister is a cheeky cow. It's lovely to hear of someone helping out a parent so much when they're in need, you've clearly been raised well - god knows what happened to your sister!!

Oreo - I'm lovely and my carpet is bare.... Can you send me £3000...

See I'm not even asking for £7000!

:)

Wow, your sister is an awful woman.

£20 is more standard for gifts for children here - £200 is extremely generous.

You are s great daughter helping your mum and brother like that

Your sis is an entitled child I'd be giving her a really wide berth from now on

Waa if I knew you I'd happily oblige,
Alas I do not and I'm not in the habit of gifting money to strangers.

You sound like a fantastic woman OP. I feel so sorry for you that you have such a rude and thoughtless sister.

By having a go at you, she really has just shown her true colours.

I think what you're doing for your mum is great.

Ive been in a similar situation to you - cant go into details as very outing but lets just say that experience has shown me that the friends and family who truly love you will be the ones who give you love and kindness and expect nothing in return.

The ones who ask and expect the most will be the ones less likely to help you if you ever found yourself in need.

My family is the same. I'm a SAHM but OH has a very good job and earns a lot. I get texts from aunts uncles etc asking if I could pay for them to have a tattoo or their cars mot. I mean I wouldn't mind it so much if it was my siblings (still wouldn't give it) but the fact it's my aunts and uncles people who I'm not even that close to. People just think when you have a bit of money then they're entitled to it