To think helping one person out financially doesn't mean I have to help everyone?

[OreosAreLovely]

Hello, hoping for some advice.
My mum who lives in my home country (the uk) has struggled a fair bit recently.
Her income dropped considerably and she ended up in a big cycle of debt. She was forced to move due to bedroom tax and her new home was completely bare floored etc. she couldn't afford carpets and was already sinking because of everything (credit cards a catalogue etc) and moving costs.
So I helped her out, ordered her a few bits and pieces and paid someone to carpet her bedroom, put Lino down in the living room and bathroom.
I'm about to finish this off for her by paying for her hallway carpet and my young siblings bedroom carpet and buying him some new sensory things (he has ASD).
On top of this I pay her (very low) weekly rent, chunks off the biggest of her 3 debts and a monthly shop so all she has to buy is bread/milk and fresh things.

I'm not looking for criticism on what I do for my mum she is an amazing woman and I wouldn't be where I am today without her help... she is hardworking and generous and has helped me in the past too. I consider her my best friend.
My sister on the other hand... well we'll see what you think.
Works 15-30hrs per week her partner works full time, 1DC. No childcare costs and as far as I'm aware they're ticking along nicely.
Today she messages me and says the following (copied and pasted but names removed)
"Hello Oreos.
I'm really unhappy about something...
you offer all this help to mum but none to me!
We'd like to come out and see you but can't really afford that what with (dh expensive hobby) and saving for a holiday for ourselves. Offering to pay for this would be nice but no you don't offer anything! Mums told me all about the things you do for her, my carpet is almost 8 years old I could do with a replacement too but yet again you don't offer this. Why do you want to see me struggling?"...
was I justified in my response of
"Hi sister name.
It's difficult for me to see where you're coming from.
I'd be happy to consider helping you if you asked for my help or were indeed in need of it.
I think having extreme financial difficulties cannot be compared to saving for a holiday or (her dh name) spending x amount on (hobby). Rest assured that if you had lost 25%+ of your income and was forced into spending £1000 on moving into a home you couldn't afford to furnish I'd be the first person there to help, but you're not, so I don't get where you're coming from"

Sister has always been quite entitled (think asking for £7000, which is a lot to me, for Christmas ) and when I gave her young son a birthday card with £200 she questioned why I couldn't afford/didn't spend more... so this may colour my opinions drastically.

So was i being unreasonable in my response and would you be bothered if your sister or brother was helping out a relative a lot but didn't offer you help?

@Oreos - Speak to Hargreaves Lansdown for some investment ideas. They were super helpful when we wanted to set up regular investments for DNe & Dni.

I'd be happy to consider helping you if you asked for my help or were indeed in need of it

I really, really wouldn't have included that sentence personally ... isn't it positively inviting her to create even more sob stories?

WOW
Keep helping your mother
The sister - just wow!

Entitled much. Spend your money on your mum and what you want - I would be less likely to spend on sister with that attitude!

Some people will never be happy. MrZippy gave his brother a house (after his hideous wife and her kids moved into ours and refused to shift) and rather than being grateful for a free house and 10 acres of land, he moaned that we didn't also give him our barn.
Whatever you do for her will never be enough, so the best thing to give her is nothing.

WTF is she on? Glue most likely.

Pleeease tell us what she said back if you can change a few details or anon bits of it. We can outrage with you!

To open an account in trust you usually need the child's birth certificate or passport because you have to provide proof of the child's identity as well as your own.

You may be able to buy some Premium Bonds for him (I forget the rules) but if he had a child trust fund or Junior ISA already you can add to that with just the account details and your sister can't get her hands on the cash. I bet she would be keen to give you the details though. Just make sure it's a CTF or JISA and not a deposit account where she's the trustee if you get the details from her.

Oh my word.
A compelling example of 'no good deed goes unpunished'

I think you are doing too much for your mum actually. Sometimes people have to learn to fend for themselves and not run up large catalogue bills etc. but that's your business if you want to spend so much on her. However, you do not owe your sister anything. Don't be browbeaten into doing anything for her as she has prioritised her money elsewhere ( hobbies, holidays). Has she ever offered to do anything for her mum?

You don't need parental consent to open an account. You may need proof of the child's identity.

Copies of birth certificates can easily be ordered for a fee :)

I wouldn't make an account for him, are you mad? With a sister that grabby you should be distancing yourself financially not opening accounts for her children . Take a huge step back financially, start giving reasonable presents, say £50 across the board for the DC for any occasion (that's too much even but given what you have been giving) and tell her for the sake of your relationship that you will not now or ever discuss money with her and she can like it or lump it, cheeky bitch

Bloody hell, it seems to be The Fortnight of the Entitled Twats on here. You don't owe your sister anything. Tell her to bugger off you already have

o open an account in trust you usually need the child's birth certificate or passport because you have to provide proof of the child's identity as well as your own

Which anyone can get. It's about 16 quid the last time I checked.

OP she's a scrounger and I strongly suggest you tell her that and to back the fuck off.

You sound lovely.

I would be inclined to tell her to fuck off the cheeky mare.

If you ever feel yourself starting to waver then post here and we'll help you stiffen up that backbone.
I get you helping your Ma, but sis is an entitled grabby bitch, who's only going to get worse.
If she sends you a sob story next (rinsers usually do) then offer nothing. Nothing at all. Maybe time (if you're inclined) and a sympathetic ear (if you're inclined) but no financial help. If she can afford to save for a holiday/pay for DH's hobby, she can afford to carpet her house.
Besides, part of being a grown up is budgeting and not buying things you can't afford. Save up, go without luxuries etc etc (I don't mean people on extremely low wages/benefits before I get flamed, I know how hard life is then) but it doesn't sound like she's going without.

You are most certainly not being unreasonable (unless you recently had a large win on the lottery).

I have a vaguely similar issue, but to a much lesser extent. My sister's daughter has just completed her GCSEs and I intend to give her a treat when she gets her results. We're not really close, but I've known her all of her life.

Next year, my Sister's stepdaughter will be sitting her GCSEs, and my BIL seems to think it reasonable that I should give her a similar treat, despite only ever meeting her once.

Your sister sounds like an idiot, your Mum genuinely needed your help. Your sister just has a bee in her bonnet and wants her luxuries paid for!

What on earth did she want £7,000 for ? was it specific gift ?

What? Your sister is bonkers, grabby and very unreasonable.

Are you very well off in comparison to your family? (not that it should really matter) £200 is a very general birthday gift for a nephew.

I can only assume she thinks you are absolutely loaded and have money to chuck around (again not that this gives her to a right to any of it) . It seems extraordinary that she thinks her and your Mums situations are comparable.

Send your sister a bill for half of the costs you have incurred to help out your Mum.

Don't dream of paying for them to visit. That holiday would turn out to be an all expenses five star trip with all possible extras. All on you, naturally.

I wouldn't engage now. You've said your view. I also think your gifts to DN sound excessive. He sounds quite young so you have no way of knowing what that sort of money is spent on. How about investing in premium bonds or similar on his behalf and handing them over when he is 21? Obviously without mentioning it along the way.

It is strange that your sister hasn't herself felt the need to help your mother out in this time of need. She doesn't seem to feel any responsibility or connection here at all.

By your actions - you are family. Your sister doesn't seem to be.

When we suddenly lost our income - due to a hit and run accident - much of the rest of the family got together and shared our costs so that we didn't lose our home or get into debt. (They weren't rich and had differing incomes. My sis said it seemed right that everyone should be a little poorer but none of us needed to be poor!) It was a terrible time and saving us this additional strain was a wonderful thing to do.

Thankfully we were back up and running again after two years and were able to pay the money itself back. They didn't know that this would be the case though.

I think about this -with love and gratitude - most days. It is strange but lovely to have a debt that is a good thing. There should be another word for it.

I am just glad that your mother has you!

That's unbelievable. Apart from anything else, your mum sounds loving and supportive, and you have a disabled younger sib she cares for, too. ASD is bloody expensive - people have no idea the costs that can accrue in food and clothing alone if there are serious sensory issues. I think it's great you are helping your mum out and what a lovely, kind thing to do.

I also think £200 for a nephew is insanely generous. My in-laws are nicely off, though far from rich, and they each (they are divorced) give £50 per person at Christmas and birthdays, which is lovely and a nice sum in my view. FIL doubles it at Christmas as he wants to contribute to their day in terms of tree etc, which again is really generous. They have no nieces or nephews and DH is an only child, so the DC are their only GC. I'd be rather embarrassed, frankly, if they gave the kids that sort of money as spends and they are their grandparents. Your sister being dissatisfied with that... wow. That's the heights of obnoxious.

She's under the misapprehension, it seems, that your money should be her piggy bank. She needs to restrict her fantasies of free spending to lottery tickets, not her sister.

Make sure that anything you do for your mum - as you have already - is in the form of tangible goods, whether that's furniture or food, or paying her landlord directly.

If you give your mum cash, sister will be off like a rat up a drainpipe to get her mitts on it.

And to some extent I agree with a few PP about your mother learning to fend for herself. I know you've said her income dropped a lot and that's why she's struggling and by all means clear the existing catalogue and credit card debts, because that will take a huge weight off her mind when they're gone. But if her debts are so great it sounds like she wasn't being very financially responsible before her income fell, so don't let her keep ordering things whenever she wants just because she knows you'll pick up the tab.

some people on here live in LA LA Land........
'I gave them a house and not a barn'........
FFS

Oreos are you sure your Mum is getting all the benefits she is entitled too. Carers allowance and Dla or Pip for your sibling. There are also grants available from some of the autism charities too.

Personally I would look at opening an account for ASD sibling. If your nephew is NT he will be able to make his own way in the world. Much more difficult for ASD sibling.