To think helping one person out financially doesn't mean I have to help everyone?

[OreosAreLovely]

Hello, hoping for some advice.
My mum who lives in my home country (the uk) has struggled a fair bit recently.
Her income dropped considerably and she ended up in a big cycle of debt. She was forced to move due to bedroom tax and her new home was completely bare floored etc. she couldn't afford carpets and was already sinking because of everything (credit cards a catalogue etc) and moving costs.
So I helped her out, ordered her a few bits and pieces and paid someone to carpet her bedroom, put Lino down in the living room and bathroom.
I'm about to finish this off for her by paying for her hallway carpet and my young siblings bedroom carpet and buying him some new sensory things (he has ASD).
On top of this I pay her (very low) weekly rent, chunks off the biggest of her 3 debts and a monthly shop so all she has to buy is bread/milk and fresh things.

I'm not looking for criticism on what I do for my mum she is an amazing woman and I wouldn't be where I am today without her help... she is hardworking and generous and has helped me in the past too. I consider her my best friend.
My sister on the other hand... well we'll see what you think.
Works 15-30hrs per week her partner works full time, 1DC. No childcare costs and as far as I'm aware they're ticking along nicely.
Today she messages me and says the following (copied and pasted but names removed)
"Hello Oreos.
I'm really unhappy about something...
you offer all this help to mum but none to me!
We'd like to come out and see you but can't really afford that what with (dh expensive hobby) and saving for a holiday for ourselves. Offering to pay for this would be nice but no you don't offer anything! Mums told me all about the things you do for her, my carpet is almost 8 years old I could do with a replacement too but yet again you don't offer this. Why do you want to see me struggling?"...
was I justified in my response of
"Hi sister name.
It's difficult for me to see where you're coming from.
I'd be happy to consider helping you if you asked for my help or were indeed in need of it.
I think having extreme financial difficulties cannot be compared to saving for a holiday or (her dh name) spending x amount on (hobby). Rest assured that if you had lost 25%+ of your income and was forced into spending £1000 on moving into a home you couldn't afford to furnish I'd be the first person there to help, but you're not, so I don't get where you're coming from"

Sister has always been quite entitled (think asking for £7000, which is a lot to me, for Christmas ) and when I gave her young son a birthday card with £200 she questioned why I couldn't afford/didn't spend more... so this may colour my opinions drastically.

So was i being unreasonable in my response and would you be bothered if your sister or brother was helping out a relative a lot but didn't offer you help?

I am offended on your behalf by the belligerent, entitled tone of your sister's message!

It's a shame she and Zippy's BIL are both taken, btw - match made in heaven, right there!

You what, £7000? Or even £200? I give birthday gifts to my DNieces worth about £25-30.

Agreed with a PP that autism charities can be very supportive for low income families. Additionally, if your sib is in receipt of DLA/PIP at middle or higher rate it entitles her to Carers Allowance and all the thresholds for other benefits rise, plus she is exempt from the benefit cap (not bedroom tax, sadly, given that the house move may have been very hard on your sibling - seems a bit unfair that elderly people are exempt, when disabled people are not, but that's the case).

She could make a free appointment with the CAB for a welfare check. They will ensure that she gets her full entitlements.

Dear sis,
Actually I'm glad you contacted me. I paid X amount getting mum sorted out. I'll expect you to send your contribution of 50% within the month.

Love you!
OP"

That should make her bugger off?

Linda - GENIUS!!!!

OP, please send that! Please please please please please!!!!!!!!

Maybe message back to suggest that your mum still needs xyz but you have already given what you can so maybe she could help out.

I presume your sister didn't raise you and put herself last for you? Tell her to sling her hook. I think you are lovely helping your mum out like you do. Your sister on the other hand.....

£200 for a nephew is mad, unless you are super rich. Going rate is more like £20.

Also, while I am sure you love your nephew very much, he is being brought up by your sister. You need to avoid falling into the trap of him expecting £200 type gifts every single time - or your sister teaching him to ask you for mega expensive gifts while she doesn't bother to get them for him as she knows you will be suckered in as you can't bear to say no to him.

Cut out the gift giving a lot or you will love him very much and he will just love your money and presents. You need a relationship with him that is not based on you much stuff you provide him. Sadly, this may not turn out to be possible given who is mother is, but you have to try.

"The situation between your mother and sister are totally different."

This is true, of course, but also: your sister and your parent are totally different kinds of relations! I would be far more likely to offer help to a parent than I would to a sibling. And my parent would be far more likely to accept it.

OPs mother clearly looked after her and brought her up. I'm not saying that people "owe" their parents, but they certainly benefit from them and there is an expectation that people start to reciprocate and look after their own parents as they age.

A sister who just fancies some extra cash? No! Why?!

I can't quite get past you giving your nephew £200.
There's kindness and then there's asking for trouble.

"I wouldn't make an account for him, are you mad? With a sister that grabby you should be distancing yourself financially not opening accounts for her children"

Um, the OP would be taking a step back. She would ensure that the money went to her nephew, not the mother. Right now that £200 is probably going right into dear sister's pocket.

If you make an account, for heaven's sake make sure neither your nephew or your sister know anything about it.

You really will be seen as the magic money tree of your family.

Personally I wouldn't do the account. You have no idea what he or your relationship with him will be like by the time he is 18. You likely will have kids of your own to soak up your funds too.

Focus on things that don't involve money.

I'd reply saying I'm glad you mentioned money, it's a bit of a stretch helping mum out so next time she needs something, you can pitch in as well.

"Fuck off you grabby selfish bitch"

My mother can't claim carers allowance (she used to, but when the DWP decided to cut siblings dla down to lower rate she lost that too) but this is currently being appealed with the help of a charity (cerebra is how you spell it I believe, they've been very good thus far so if you're in a similar situation I'd recommend them) which is part of the reason she has started to struggle, its lots of little things (like needing an oven when yours is broken, or needing to spend £80-£100 a month on nappies for a pre teen/recently teen child that is in nappies 24/7) compounded plus huge chunks of income going through one way or another be it cuts or a prolonged expense.

Credit card debt started when sibling needed a wheelchair that my mum couldn't get funded, as he can walk but needs restraint (due to the risk of him dropping on the floor in roads, having a meltdown and attacking strangers as well as other things that have happened) nhs funding wouldn't cover this rightly or wrongly.
Again with the help of a charity mum was able to source one at a heavily discounted rate of £280. These wheelchairs are sold for £800-£1500 dependant on model/size/weight. £280 was still more than her weekly income, so it's a lot to spend but in that situation it's that or you never take your child anywhere.

Catalogue debt includes the aforementioned broken oven and a bed after sibling kicked the headboard so hard during a meltdown that it came off and the wood snapped. Mum fixed this with no nails glue and some screws. When he kicked it again during yet another meltdown the headboard snapped in multiple places and was not repairable. So he had to be bought another.
he repeatedly spits and regurgitates down himself often staining his clothing repeatedly and due to his sensory issues will rub himself on floors and walls breaking his clothing which even at charity shops and primark prices still costs money and if the material is too thin/too thick or there's anything else wrong with it it'll be taken back to the shop as he will rip it off and refuse to wear it.
He is like a monetary black hole.
She coped just fine with us as children, we were comfortable and she worked as much as she could.
She's not a feckless fool who's spent herself into a ruin. She spread herself too thinly trying to provide for a high needs child and living on next to fuck all, can anyone here honestly tell me that when charities turn you away or have high waiting lists, you can't afford to provide what your child NEEDS to be able to function at some kind of level, you wouldn't be in a similar situation?
The only thing I hold any annoyance over in her situation is that she didn't come to me before going to studio, capital one and Vanquis.

I won't be leaving the woman who brought me into the world and has sacrificed so much for me in the shit with the condescending aim of "teaching her to live within her means"

My sister may be a grabby twat, my mother however is not.

I would tell your sister, that you pay mum and siblings rent and food bills etc to ensure they have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies and that takes all your otherwise "free" money, leaving none left over for your own carpeting/holidays let alone hers and perhaps if she maybe worked a few more hours she too can have all the good things in life ( some of those things im sure you are denying yourself while helping keep your mother and sibling fed and housed) and in fact if she did take on more work maybe she could contribute and send mum some cash for new clothes ( or whatever could be needed) for her and sibling ( and each time she emails tell her to pull her head out her ass and help rather than think of herself)

... I got £20 at birthdays from Auntie/uncle couples and was very happy with that.
She's insane.... selfish and manipulative and has 0 respect for you!!!!

FUCK HER

i just read your update, with tears in my eyes, your mother sounds like an incredibly strong woman, that has to deal with a lot of stuff and most likely in the " keep calm and carry on " manner too. You being there for her must go along way to keep her from giving up as im sure with all she has to go thru with your brother, the money issues and lack of government help and im sure lack of respite from the endless daily cycle there are times she will be at the end of her tether.
If your sister is not helping too then i would be very angry and most likely i wouldnt be holding back on telling her where she could stick her carpet and holiday requests!
Stand firm with her and remember you are a good person, daughter and yes sister ( even if she doesnt think it)
If you feel you are weakening with her remind your self that mum might need a new winter coat or boots etc soon so say NO!

Sweetheart she's financially abusing you.
Next time she asks for something i'd just roll out the line "What have you bought for ME lately?"

I can't quite get past a sibling asking for £7k for Christmas, nor your relatively low-key response to it!

My partner and I would be in the top 1-2 percent of earners, and I wouldn't spend £700 altogether on my brother, his wife and their 2 kids at Christmas. If he suggested £7k as a gift, I'd think he must have a Mob debt. How are you even questioning whether this is reasonable or not?!

Also £7k would pay for my entire Master degree and is more than I earned last year ( p/t) that's an insane amount of money!

Bye you are a wonderful daughter and it sounds like your mum is doing her utter best for your sibling in a really tough situation. I commend you both.

OP, you are just lovely.

Your sister, not lovely.

£200 way too much for a nephew. Generally entitled parents produce entitled children.

Not sure I could be in contact with a sister like that though. She sounds awful.

Also, my sympathies for your mums situation. My dad is my full time carer and he gets £50 a week total. I'm in the process of having my PIP claim decided on (had my assessment last thursday) and i'm not hopeful. Currently on middle rate care and low rate mobility, but because i have severe OCD and thats classed as an anxiety disorder the new policy brought in in May means i wont get mobility at all, despite being housebound without my dad taking me out in the car due to also having bladder/bowel illnesses that clash with my OCD. I'm also not hopeful i'll get the care component and will lose half my income having to appeal, we already live on credit.

Parents like your mum are genuine superheroes, who give up everything for their kids, and i really hope something changes to give her more support that she needs. People shouldn't be reduced to getting in to debt just to care for a disabled/sick family member, not everyone is in a position that theres a parent available to work and one to do the caring.

Re the 7k I told her to fuck off at the time, this isn't recent and I didn't go into it in my post I just wanted to make it clear that I may have a bias towards her due to things like that. I was not at all casual about it at the time.
I don't want to disclose my income here but my sister knows roughly what I earn and I am in a very fortunate position. I could've gifted the 7,000 and probably would've if she wanted it towards a house deposit and had been nice about it, but the fact it was asked for as a random gift and she was very insistent/entitled in her asking is what led to me saying no fuck off are you joking
I'm generous towards my family and friends just not those who act as though I owe them generosity. I can't take it with me when I'm dead and I'm secure as I am