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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is she?

87 replies

Twilight05 · 17/07/2017 23:03

My husband is working overseas just now so I visited my sister and her husband for a few days. On one of the evenings, they invited some friends round for a small get together. These are also people I have known for years through my sister. One of the girls there has a particularly attractive husband and (please don't flame me for saying this) he is significantly better looking than his partner at first glance although I've always found his wife very warm to people, she has a lovely smile and she's very confident and so becomes someone that you'd be quite drawn to. Once getting to know them both, it's easy to see why there would be a strong mutual attraction between them.

Anyway. At the gathering I sat down at the table where a few others were sitting and was opposite her dh. He started up conversation and it moved onto sport. I love sport and have a few brothers who always had me out playing football, tennis and god knows what with them. Anyway, we were having a bit of sport related banter and his wife came over and basically stood behind him and started rubbing her hands all over his shoulders whilst staring at me. I feel this doesn't sound so bad and could have been innocent but I am confident this was her way of saying "he's mine". Now, I'm happily married and a mother of two young boys and have absolutely no interest in any other person, let alone her husband. They are quite a few years older and I found the situation intimidating. I'm visiting my sister again soon and dreading seeing her friend's because I now feel very awkward. Like I can't talk to him at all or she's going to have an issue.

Am I being too touchy with this? I have in some way done something wrong here without realising it? How should I react when I next see them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 10:05

There is nothing strange of 'intimidating' by her behaviour. She stroked HER husband's shoulders.

Yes... while staring at me with a blatantly raging face.

I'm struggling to see how people can't understand that this was uncomfortable for me.

OP posts:
WonderLime · 18/07/2017 10:05

Her face seems to be getting more aggressive and distorted by each post.

Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 10:07

^Her face seems to be getting more aggressive and distorted by each post.

Yawn!

OP posts:
Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 10:11

For what it's worth, I hate the term tom boy but I've been called it so many times, hence the reason I said I'm what many would describe as a "tom boy". I only elaborated and said about getting mucky as a child when a previous poster was making faces about the fact I also like makeup and clothes. Your right, a lot of the info on this thread is irrelevant. I've been drawn into unnecessary exchanges with people who want to paint me out to be a flirt, a bitch and an attention seeker. I'm none of those things but I suppose everyone's entitled to their opinion and I shouldn't have risen to those comments.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 18/07/2017 10:15

I've been drawn into unnecessary exchanges with people who want to paint me out to be a flirt, a bitch and an attention seeker
You've also been drawn into unnecessary angst over this non-situation.

Be yourself next time you see them.

WonderLime · 18/07/2017 10:18

Here's the thing about the AIBU board.
You will post something, people will decide YABU or YANBU. Others will pick away at facts to make their judgement. Your post will always be biased (it can't be avoided - we only have your side), so we can never get a fair representation.

But ultimately no one else was there so we could all be completely wrong. And even if we were their, our point of views will be subjective.

If you think she was being territorial, then engage her more in conversation. If you think she was being tactile, then continue as you were doing. That's it really.

WonderLime · 18/07/2017 10:19

there*

CherriesInTheSnow · 18/07/2017 10:20

I fucking hate that as a woman you are unable to post about another woman possibly being worried about her husband potentially flirting with you/finding you atractive without it being YOUR fault.

It's not even the main issue of the post.

Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 10:26

Thanks cherries, maybe I'm wrong but I feel I've been unfairly targeted here by some on this thread. Wish I'd never posted it now Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 10:28

wonder I understand what you're saying about you not being there and posts being biased, but why is that a reason to assume I must have been flirting and attention seeking and that his wife did nothing wrong? Seems unfair.

OP posts:
Tofutti · 18/07/2017 10:29

Yes... while staring at me with a blatantly raging face.

I'm struggling to see how people can't understand that this was uncomfortable for me.

You're drip feeding, OP. First she was staring, then she was glaring, now she was blatantly raging.

CherriesInTheSnow · 18/07/2017 10:33

No I don't think you're wrong, I feel like some posters are projecting certain assumptions (the underlying logic of which is insidious - attention seeking, must be being flirtatious by simply talking to an old friend) onto your post when at the very worst you are reading too much into a situation when there is no issue there - and FWIW I don't think your perceptions are off, body language speaks volumes and I'm sure it conveyed the situtation more accurately than your post can to an outsider.

If I were you I would just carry on as normal with them unless it becomes very obvious the wife has developed a problem with you :)

Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 10:33

I don't mean to drip feed. She was staring. In a way in which made me feel very uncomfortable. She had a look of disapproval on her face. I've said it quite bluntly in the most recent post because people kept telling me she was just rubbing her husband's shoulders but to be honest, the stare was what made me feel most uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 10:35

Thanks Cherries, you're more articulate than me so you've worded it much better than I could have but yes, the body language spoke volumes to me and hence why I felt uncomfortable and intimidated. I'll take your advice and act as normal and see how that goes. Thank you.

OP posts:
lanouvelleheloise · 18/07/2017 10:36

If she was actually being passive-aggressive, that's totally different! But these things are really quite subjective. She may just have been looking for an 'in' into the conversation. Or she may have been willing you to STFU for a second because she needs to say something unrelated - I've stood by my DH when he's been in the middle of a conversation and willed the other person to stop for a second because I need to tell him something or deliver a message (e.g 'So-and-so is going now, didn't you want to speak to them about X' or 'Sweetie I think I left the gas on and the house has probably blown up by now'). However, if she really was being unmistakable aggressive, that's her insecurity not your problem.

catbasilio · 18/07/2017 10:38

Next time you see her OP try to make friends with her. Not everyone's that confident and maybe it was her insecure moment. And to be fair, she has no idea what's in your mind. Show some sensitivity!

Ebaygum · 18/07/2017 12:17

Blimey poor OP being given an unnecessarily hard time here.

Bottom line: it is weird and insecure to go and stand behind someone while they are having a conversation in public WITH SOMEONE ELSE and start rubbing their shoulders in a proprietorial manner. I suppose maybe unless they have a shoulder problem, are in pain and have specifically request a massage -but even then that's still weird to do while a conversation is going on.

The staring/raging face is neither here nor there - save that it makes it worse.

Adults "staking a physical claim" on someone in front of a member of the gender their partner is attracted to is highly insecure, immature and a bit weird. This isn't hand holding type affection; it is - as some one else said, like pissing on a lamp post marking your turf.

OP to answer your question - put it out of your mind and if anything like that happens again - make a joke of it.

[I'd also add to all the people being so sanctimonious about comments in disparity in the levels of attractiveness that you are being naive. If there is a big difference in attractiveness, don't think the wife (a) won't have noticed it and (B) had "well meaning" people comment on it ("aren't you the lucky one"). Only the most hardened self confident people wouldn't have a shred of insecurity in that situation. It's naive to think that it's not likely there is a bit of insecurity there. Of course, there may not be but it's daft to pretend it's not likely. ]

Ebaygum · 18/07/2017 12:19

Sorry when I said "make a joke of it" - I didn't mean publicly make a joke of it or say anything. I meant "mentally to yourself treat it as a bit of a joke" - think of the dog pissing on the lamp post and it may help to relax you.

Littlechocola · 18/07/2017 12:27

Maybe she was fed up with sport talk?

I think how you are feeling says more about your insecurities than hers.

Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 12:34

Thanks ebay appreciate your advice :)

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 18/07/2017 12:37

YABU for what you said about his wife

Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 12:38

littlechocola - she was in a room full of her best friends and their partners. I am merely a sibling of one of the group so a bit of a tag along I suppose. He sparked up conversation and it moved on to sport. She made a point of walking over from where she was chatting with her closest friends to rub his shoulders and stare at me. there were many conversations going on in the room, i wasnt forcing her to be in the conversation. As I said, I cut it short once she came over anyway as I felt uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 12:45

Also, can I just ask. If I described a couple and said that the wife was absolutely gorgeous and the husband, although not quite so attractive at first, had a wonderful personality and became very attractive once you got to know him, would people think I shouldn't have said that? Or is it because I'm female and I'm describing another female? I don't get it? I obviously wouldn't have said this to their faces or to anyone I know but I thought it might be relevant in this instance as I know he probably gets a lot of female attention which could possibly be an issue to her.

For example, id say Orlando Bloom is better looking than Ed Sheehan at first glance but there's something I find very attractive about Ed Sheehan having watched various documentaries about him and programmes with him on. I think it's his personality that I'm drawn to. Am I really not allowed to say that?

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 18/07/2017 12:53

One of the girls there has a particularly attractive husband...
...and he probably gets a lot of female attention
Would have sufficed.

Amd724 · 18/07/2017 12:54

I can see both sides. Whenever my husband is talking to people, and if I walk up to it, I usually touch him on the arm to let him know its me without interrupting the conversation. If we're there a while, and we're both seated, I'll rub his back or continue to touch him. I don't consciously do it, but sometimes I just can't help myself. If I don't understand the conversation, or if its boring, I may not have a smile on my face, but may be looking at the person speaking with a bit of a bored or straight face. It could look like I'm staring or glaring but I'm really not. I indeed have a resting bitch face. Grin

But to those people it could be really disconcerting, if they don't know me very well. Although you've known them for years, it may take a bit to fully understand what their actions mean. Especially if its so different from your own relationship with your husband.

I'd just ignore/forget it and the next time you see them just pretend nothing happened. If she comes up to you and says something, then you can tell her that you really didn't know, but also explain to her that she's being a bit unreasonable to be so jealous. If she's worried about her husbands behaviour, she should speak to her husband. I think you're being slightly unreasonable in making this a thing, when the best/easiest thing is to just ignore it.

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