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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is she?

87 replies

Twilight05 · 17/07/2017 23:03

My husband is working overseas just now so I visited my sister and her husband for a few days. On one of the evenings, they invited some friends round for a small get together. These are also people I have known for years through my sister. One of the girls there has a particularly attractive husband and (please don't flame me for saying this) he is significantly better looking than his partner at first glance although I've always found his wife very warm to people, she has a lovely smile and she's very confident and so becomes someone that you'd be quite drawn to. Once getting to know them both, it's easy to see why there would be a strong mutual attraction between them.

Anyway. At the gathering I sat down at the table where a few others were sitting and was opposite her dh. He started up conversation and it moved onto sport. I love sport and have a few brothers who always had me out playing football, tennis and god knows what with them. Anyway, we were having a bit of sport related banter and his wife came over and basically stood behind him and started rubbing her hands all over his shoulders whilst staring at me. I feel this doesn't sound so bad and could have been innocent but I am confident this was her way of saying "he's mine". Now, I'm happily married and a mother of two young boys and have absolutely no interest in any other person, let alone her husband. They are quite a few years older and I found the situation intimidating. I'm visiting my sister again soon and dreading seeing her friend's because I now feel very awkward. Like I can't talk to him at all or she's going to have an issue.

Am I being too touchy with this? I have in some way done something wrong here without realising it? How should I react when I next see them?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 18/07/2017 07:27

the Wife is a fruitloop.... the discomfort is hers

m0therofdragons · 18/07/2017 07:28

Maybe she came over to join in the conversation. She may have been marking her territory or she finished speaking to whoever she was and turned to dh to include her. It's really not a big issue imo.

coddiwomple · 18/07/2017 07:34

If you feel the need to write he is significantly better looking than his partner at first glance, you don't sound that friendly or neutral.

You are a "tomboy" who loves make up and clothes Hmm

Get over yourself OP. Even if you were flirting with the DH, most women would just take the piss of someone like you. I love makeup and clothes, we are in groups of sporty people so I have nothing against very attractive and fit women chatting with my DH, don't get me wrong, you just sound like a complete nightmare. It's only the way you write about yourself, but it doesn't come across in a positive light.

MsWanaBanana · 18/07/2017 07:36

Coddiwomple - it's really not that serious. I think you need to get over yourself. Got up on the wrong side of he bed?!?

CherriesInTheSnow · 18/07/2017 07:38

Bluntness

his wife came over and basically stood behind him and started rubbing her hands all over his shoulders whilst staring at me

I wouldn't say that was a drip feed, she mentioned all this in the OP!

OP you don't have to justify to people why it made you feel intimidated, if you felt that way, then that's what you felt.

I would agree not to take it too personally as maybe in the course of their relationship something has happened to make her worried about his behaviour, maybe she is going through a period of low confidence about herself for some reason, basically there are lots of reasons why she could be feeling insecure. "Marking" him was a stupid thing to do but it doesn't give her any right or you any obligation to treat him any differently than you have always done.

Next time you see them, just relax into the group setting and be your normal self. Was it awkward after this happened at all, I'm curious? Or did she leave it at that?

ptumbi · 18/07/2017 07:38

How should you react ]next time you see them? Well, obviously you should cringe and cast your eyes downward, saying things in a little voice and be very meek and uninteresting Hmm Make sure you don't make eye contact, and don't spend more than 5 minutes with anyone person...

OR - you know, you could talk to them both, talk to everyone, as if you are not sexually interested, as I'm sure you were doing. Act normally, in other words.

If she has a problem with her husband talking to other women, that is her problem and not yours to fix.

sonjadog · 18/07/2017 07:41

You are BU by turning this into a "thing". Woman comes over and touches her husband while he is talking to someone. She looks at the person he is talking to. The rest is an interpretation you have decided to give the situation. Forget about it and move on with your day.

MiddleClassProblem · 18/07/2017 07:45

I'm don't think it's a dripfeed when op said rubbing her hands all over his shoulders whilst staring at me. in OP.

Anyway, I think you are making a bigger deal when it's still manageable at the mo. She hasn't pulled you to one side telling you to
back off or publicly put you down.

As PP said, give her a bit more attention next time. Be self deprecating about something she's good at. You can drop in a little something about your husband but it shouldn't be ott. Sometimes just mentioning his name around her or the husband shows that you are thinking of him and he's not forgotten. Just one "oh yeah, DH has one of those" or "likes that". It sounds contrived but sometimes you do have to do subtle things like this to deal with situations without confrontation.

Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 07:46

coddiwomble what does Hmm mean?

When I was younger, my interests were all the same as my brothers. I played sport day in day out. I got mucky all the time, I lived in football strips and tracksuits. As I grew up, I realised I also liked makeup and overtime, began wearing dresses etc although I do live in my jeans a large part of the time. Any my interests from childhood remain the same. What's wrong with that? I find your post insulting.

OP posts:
lanouvelleheloise · 18/07/2017 07:47

I would just ignore it and chalk it up to her inelegance and insecurity, not yours. But I'd avoid putting myself in a position where I could trigger the same behaviour.

It is excruciating when these things happen. I was out with a bunch of colleagues one night in a club. One of them, who is really pretty and vivacious, was messing around pretending to dance seductively and another of them, a really unattractive bloke, got the wrong idea and waved his wedding ring in her face as if to say "thanks but no thanks". She was absolutely mortified, as were all the rest of us witnessing the horror from the sidelines!

Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 07:48

Thanks middleclass

cherries I didn't talk to either of them 1 to 1 after that happened.

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 18/07/2017 07:50

""It's hard for anyone to guess here if you're over reacting, if she has self esteem issues, or if he has form, I suspect the former.""

I don't know how you could assume that, tbh.

When you get older, you realise that a lot of interest given by older (in particular) men was because they wanted the attention of a younger woman.

My ex and a lot of his circle was dismissive of Women who were knowledgeable about sport, but at times, if they were younger, attractive etc, then they'd engage with them.

So she might of known that he he wasn't speaking to the OP because he wanted a conversation about sport.

Jupitar · 18/07/2017 08:01

I would find it funny, if I liked the wife I would make more of an effort to speak to her in future and drop into the conversation my husbands name every 5 minutes. If I thought she was horrible and her husband good fun then I'd carry on talking to him as before.

Tofutti · 18/07/2017 08:23

I don't understand why you felt the need to point out he is significantly better looking than her?

Even beautiful women can be insecure about their husbands.

Do you look at her and think how on earth she managed to land him? It comes across a bit like this.

RedStripeIassie · 18/07/2017 08:28

The problem is theirs. Not yours. I wouldn't do anything and I wouldn't modify my behaviour if it was just friendly and not flirty.

coddiwomple · 18/07/2017 08:41

It's the OP who is writing about it, why is everybody assuming it's a problem for the couple? Like I can't talk to him at all or she's going to have an issue. I haven't read anything stating that the wife is threatened by the OP, she was just affectionate towards her husband. I don't know her, but it's the OP who described her as I've always found his wife very warm to people, so she was warm towards her own DH. Big deal !

If a wife coming over when you are chatting with her DH is making you uncomfortable, I am afraid you are the one with the problem. I seriously doubt she was afraid you would start shagging in the middle of the room.

AppleSales · 18/07/2017 08:43

To me the fact that you are posting tells me that you are too invested and enjoyed his attention. Also quite childish to point who is better looking (is there such a thing?). As for feeling intimidated? Grow up. When is your husband coming back?

Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 09:37

To me the fact that you are posting tells me that you are too invested and enjoyed his attention.

The fact that I am posting is because I'm due to be seeing them in the next week so I wanted some advice on how best to handle it, whether that be to act normal or to minimise conversation with him or to try to talk to her more. Some posters have kindly helped with this.

I don't care for attention from any other men, I'm perfectly happy with the attention I get from my husband thank you very much. And when my husband's not here, I'm too preoccupied being a lone parent to even notice any lack of attention.

OP posts:
coddiwomple · 18/07/2017 09:45

You wrote that they are people you have known for years. If the wife is suddenly "staring" at you (allegedly Hmm ) maybe she's heard about your bitchy comments about her partner being significantly better looking and the rest.

Maybe avoid this high school nonsense in the future, and stop looking for attention from other men who are just being polite to you Grin

You can't have it both ways: either the wife was perfectly innocent and behaving like any wife would do with her DH, then your problem is completely in your head because you are miffed by the lack of attention.
Or the wife did "stare at you", then your behaviour and gossips are probably the reason, so stop. Easy. (reading your posts, I would vote for the first option, but I wasn't there).

Devilishpyjamas · 18/07/2017 09:49

This sounds like your issue rather than hers? I would just assume they were a touchy feely couple & include her in the conversation. It wouldn't occur to me that she might be marking territory.

Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 09:58

Your post is laughable. As I said, I was setting the scene and trying to give a full picture. I've always found his wife to be lovely and someone who's character is such that I can see her being very attractive to men. Likewise, I've known many people who are absolutely gorgeous on first impressions but their nature and personality is such that their attractiveness lessens when you get to know them. I've known this couple for years but don't see them all that often and always in a group scenario. I simply talked to her husband and she came over and looked at me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable and started rubbing his arms and it really seemed as though she was telling me to back off when all I had done was be polite and chat to someone who sparked up conversation with me.

If that makes me someone who is "bitchy" and "looking for attention" coddiwomble then so be it,

OP posts:
Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 09:59

devil they have never been a touchy feely couple in all the years I've known them.

OP posts:
WonderLime · 18/07/2017 10:02

YANU. There is nothing strange of 'intimidating' by her behaviour. She stroked HER husband's shoulders. My DP is a very tactile her and does this when we are in the company of others (including his family) and when we are alone. It's just the type of person he is.

As an aside, it is incredibly cringey seeing grown women give themselves labels like 'Tomboy', as if that somehow that defines them as person. What difference does you get muddy when you were a child make to this post?

Original poster
Twilight05 · 18/07/2017 10:03

Also, I tried making her part of the conversation but she isn't into sport and just continued staring at me. Surely you guys can appreciate that a look on someone's face can say an awful lot. I obviously didn't get my phone out and take a picture of it so can only describe to you all. But if someone was looking at you with an unhappy expression, would you just carry on as normal and include them in the conversation and you wouldn't assume they were upset about something? I find that hard to believe.

OP posts:
WonderLime · 18/07/2017 10:03

YABU*