Seriously, how do you cope??

[TipsNotHacks]

Currently in the throes of another dark week (seems to follow a monthly cycle of grief, next week I'll start meds again and will be hopeful and life will be easier).

Been TTC now for 4 years. Problems are with me, not DH. I had a failed IVF cycle two months ago and have no other free NHS cycles. We can self fund at a push but I am utterly panicked that we now must pursue our fertility treatment alone now that there is nothing more the NHS can do for us. That was our safety net somehow and now that's been shattered.

I am constantly panicky and feel exhausted with it all. My utter desperation for a baby is at an all time high and consumes my every waking moment. I am a very happy go lucky person but I no longer recognise myself. I am able to put on a brace face with friends and although they know our situation is not good, I am sure they think we are otherwise coping really well and have somehow just accepted that we may never be parents. As if we ever could!

My husband is an unbelieveable man. Kind, patient and never cracks under the pressure. But he is obviously suffering as I am. I have no idea how our marriage will stand this pressure long term. How do people do it??

I have a family 60th in early Aug (DH's side) and they have been useless in all this and I am dreading putting on a front.

On the surface, we have it all - nice house, both have interesting jobs and no money worries but my life is empty and meaningless. The only positives in my life are my DH and incredible family but I feel like I've reached a crossroads where I need to be honest with myself that I am not coping.

I am desperately seeking coping strategies, tips etc on how to stop this constant gut wrenching feeling and empty aching sadness. I feel like I'm living a lie and it's tearing me apart.

I wish I knew the answer, but I can only sympathise. It is a very dark experience.

Couldn't read and run. Hugs.

So sorry.

OP, I feel for you. I experienced secondary infertility and it was unbelievably painful. I've accepted it now, but it wasn't an easy road.

I had three years of this. No ivf but ttc with various tests and medical support. Every period was about deep grief, it felt like I had lost someone close. Followed by hope and then loss/grief again. A never ending cycle. At the time some councelling would have really helped me. Things have changed now. I was lucky. I think eventually I would have looked at fostering or adoption though.

Take 6 months off ttc. Go on holiday, get drunk. Make some new friends, try a stupid new hobby.
And I'm not saying relaxation will help you conceive, I'm saying use contraceptives or avoid sex altogether in your fertile weeks.
Have a proper break, you need to recover physically and emotionally.

I did this twice when we were ttc. A month off was never enough, we did that often. A proper 6 months or so was really beneficial.
We ttc for 6/7 years and never conceived, the last break we took has not ended. We decided to pursue adoption. We are happy and excited and our marriage is rock solid.

You need to get off that treadmill for a bit. It's exhausting and all consuming.

It is so so hard, and anyone who has ever experienced this will recognise exactly what you are describing.

That said please try and view private IVF as a positive thing. You've said you can afford to self-fund which is a huge bonus. I know from personal experience that there is a marked difference in success rates amongst private clinics (which also in general have much higher success rates than the NHS clinics) so it is definitely worth doing your research and not necessarily going for the nearest or cheapest clinic. That could be a false economy in the long run.

I found trying to channel my energy into treatment seemed to help in a strange way. It gave me back a bit of control. It took us three attempts and we got lucky.

One doc said to me (following a miscarriage pre starting IVF) that in his experience most people got there in the end with IVF but the two real stress points were financial and/or pressure on the relationship. I thought it was a massively insensitive thing for him to say at the time, I was just about to have a DNC, but I think it was probably meant in the right way i.e. that there was everything to keep fighting for...

That said it is also very important to be able to express your sadness and grief at the situation you find yourself in. Can you confide in a friend/family member? I found DH and I came at it differently and I needed to be able to talk openly to close family too.

Wishing you much strength in the journey ahead...

I had big fertility problems. I hated those perfect couples who were expecting DC4 while I was freezing my piss for the third time because the hospital kept losing it. And my shit house mother who couldn't understand what the problem was because she and my sister were so fertile. And then there was the enormous anger that my sister used terminations as a form of contraception in her twenties and only kept her (unwanted) daughter because it was all getting a bit embarrassing.

It's shit. It's just awful. And no amount of hobbies or holidays or fecking craft gin will change that. You're grieving for a life you'd envisaged and it's going to take a lot of time to heal. Actually you're not grieving because you're keeping up the front. Stop doing that. Give yourself time and space to cry, scream, punch a teddy bear.. whatever it takes. So many people brush the pain of infertility under the rug but we should all acknowledge how gut wrenching it is.
I'm so very sorry that you've got that hole in your life and I hope that it will eventually be easier to live with.

Your DH sounds lovely

Not for everyone, but we took time to grieve and then applied to adopt. Best decision ever, for us. Can honestly say we feel as fulfilled and happy as if he were our birth child. In fact, I often forget he is adopted eg. GP asked about a possible allergy and I replied, ' Well I have that allergy and so does DP, so DS probably does as well'. Took a moment to click. Our only regret is we didn't consider it sooner.

Oh and go for the IVF if you can afford it - but only after you've punched a soft toy.

Please get couples counseling. Not because your husband is awful, which clearly he is NOT, but I think you need help to deal with the awful emotions you are suffering with. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Don't know where to start in thankingbyou all for such amazing, thoughtful replies. So sorry for all those above who have experienced this. I am actually booked in to see a counsellor next week. Never done this before but willing to try anything.

True.

I'm so sad for you. But there are lots of babies who need loving homes. My colleague even gave birth to her sister's son. There are ways

Trouble is MumsonCrack, I respect anyone who pursues adoption but I'm not ready to give up on treatment just yet. I haven't ruled it out in future but not there yet. I've only recently (last year or so) stopped buying baby clothes! That was an unhealthy habit that spiralled out of control very quickly, but I always maintained that I did this because I WAS hopeful. Only he knows about this. They're just stuffed in an unused wardrobe and I never look at them.

I mean this very, very kindly, but is this the right website for you? Most people on here are parents. Not all, but most. There are some regulars who aren't, there are people TTC, there are people who TriedTC and did.

Isn't posting on here a bit like poking yourself with a sharp stick?

If it helps, it took us 6 years to conceive, but although we had help, we didn't have IVF.

I've also been a foster parent, and that has been amazing, for utterly selfish reasons.

So sorry for how hard this is for you

Oh and go for the IVF if you can afford it - but only after you've punched a soft toy.

Such a brilliant reply 😂

OP, Ive no advice but just wanted to send a virtual hug

If you have hopes to conceive, and you SHOULD, you need to eliminate any and all extraneous forms of stress and mindfuckery that you can. It is a proven fact that excessive stress impedes conception, so make your life as Zen af. Ditch Facebook!

and

I really feel for you OP. Fertility issues are so all consuming.

I found this book so helpful to read

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1905410883/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1500339845&sr=8-2&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=the+a+to+z+of+trying+to+get+pregnant&dpPl=1&dpID=51Utrz%2BAV2L&ref=plSrch&tag=mumsnetforum-21

I also spent some time looking at the website 'more to life' and spent a fair amount of time reflecting about what our future without children might look like. I did this during a 4 month break (voluntary) between jobs. For me I find it helpful to confront worst case scenario and find my peace with it. But that's just my coping strategy.

The work break was incredibly healing. It was over the summer and I spent my days having lie ins, gardening, cycling into town, having lunch out or sitting in the park reading.

I found that time out from life and the daily grind really helped my mental state.

Just be kind to yourself OP. It really Fucking Sucks

Thanks everyone, makes a lot of sense.

Keepservingthedeinks - I suppose I chose this site because infertility forums have driven me insane. Everyone is as desperate as I am and I steer clear of them.

I've been where you are and it's a shit, horrible horrible time.

After our NHS attempts failed I was ready to give up but DH convinced me to try a private clinic and honestly I've never felt so looked after - so much better than anything the NHS ever offered. I also received counselling which did help too. I'm a very private person and wouldn't talk to anyone about what was going on so having an independent outlet for it all was amazing. I hope the counselling helps you too.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, a one step at a time approach worked in keeping me in check. Adoption was never the route for me either, not until all our money had run out. It took 5 years and 5 attempts at ivf for us but in the end it did work. But my god they were 5 lonely, sad, dark and depressing years.

Sending you

KeepServingTheDrinks yes most on here are parents but many only so after also enduring many long, hard, emotional journeys to get there. OP is (I'm assuming) hoping people share this and can keep some hope alive knowing there can be happiness after such a long battle to get there. As she said the infertility forums are full of panic and misery as everyone is on the same journey- at least on here many have reached the end of their journey with a great outcome. Nothing wrong with that.

OP know its probably not that helpful but a very good friend has just had a baby as a result of her 5th IVF. They maxed out their NHS cycles and had to self fund the rest, with much financial struggle as they are both pretty low earners, but it was worth it. It was St Heliers in Sutton in end that had the positive result, she said she knew instantly it all felt very different there. All the best x