Seriously, how do you cope??

[TipsNotHacks]

Currently in the throes of another dark week (seems to follow a monthly cycle of grief, next week I'll start meds again and will be hopeful and life will be easier).

Been TTC now for 4 years. Problems are with me, not DH. I had a failed IVF cycle two months ago and have no other free NHS cycles. We can self fund at a push but I am utterly panicked that we now must pursue our fertility treatment alone now that there is nothing more the NHS can do for us. That was our safety net somehow and now that's been shattered.

I am constantly panicky and feel exhausted with it all. My utter desperation for a baby is at an all time high and consumes my every waking moment. I am a very happy go lucky person but I no longer recognise myself. I am able to put on a brace face with friends and although they know our situation is not good, I am sure they think we are otherwise coping really well and have somehow just accepted that we may never be parents. As if we ever could!

My husband is an unbelieveable man. Kind, patient and never cracks under the pressure. But he is obviously suffering as I am. I have no idea how our marriage will stand this pressure long term. How do people do it??

I have a family 60th in early Aug (DH's side) and they have been useless in all this and I am dreading putting on a front.

On the surface, we have it all - nice house, both have interesting jobs and no money worries but my life is empty and meaningless. The only positives in my life are my DH and incredible family but I feel like I've reached a crossroads where I need to be honest with myself that I am not coping.

I am desperately seeking coping strategies, tips etc on how to stop this constant gut wrenching feeling and empty aching sadness. I feel like I'm living a lie and it's tearing me apart.

Hey op, I probably can't offer any more advice than what's been given already. But what I do know is that however shit it is at the moment, you will get through it....we struggled for 3 years but did eventually conceive naturally twice (after being told after a failed ivf my eggs were crap and we'd need to go down the donor route next time...) it's all so bloody hard, and people can be so insensitive. It seems there are pregnant people and babies everywhere but I bet so many of them went through heartache to get there (infertlity is still such a taboo subject eh?) I found the fertility friends website amazing for support. Best of luck with it all.

I've bookmarked this thread for when the struggle feels overwhelming, From five years into the future, thank you all for your advice, and to the OP for posting x

my life is empty and meaningless I completely understood where you were coming from until I got to this part. I think if this is seriously where you are at, then some sort of coaching or mental health support is important. Even just chatting to someone who's outside of your situation on betterhelp/morehappi might help. Kids only bring additional stress and pressure, if you aren't happy where you are now, kids won't change that, just distract you from it.

How old are you OP? (I'm asking because if you can afford to take a year or two off before trying again without radically lowering your chances even further, then that might help. It did for me.)

We had some unsuccessful cycles and a miscarriage which absolutely broke me. I then had a couple of years off and didn't exactly forget about it (it's always there) but I allowed myself to focus on other things - changed to a job I really loved, got very slim and fit. Then had one final round which was successful. I was almost forty when I finally conceived.

Also, if you are self funding, check the success rates of all hospitals within your reach and go with the one that has the best odds for your specific issue. You don't have to stay with the one you know.

I fully empathise with how you are feeling. We had years of TTC misery following a MMC. SIL was pregnant at the time too so it hit extra hard when her baby was born and we had nothing.

I paid for private blood tests, found I had crazy high prolactin that the GP hadn't tested for. Paid for an MRI to check for any pituitary gland tumors, paid for a reproductive endocrinologist to look at my hormones etc. I downloaded "it starts with the egg" and followed the supplement guide, diet, environment etc. Then finally had IVF after all the prep from the book.

We're very lucky to now have a DD.

Please don't lose hope. As PPs have said try and have a TTC holiday, get drunk, go away, compartmentalise all the shit until you are back.

I don't know if this will help but I hope so. I was diagnosed with pcos at 18. I don't want to sound glib or clichéd but if you'll forgive and take my comment in the spirit it's meant I coped by embracing the ethos that there's nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. That not having kids isn't half so bad as all that. And I'd rather not have kids and be happy and fulfilled without them than love my life defined by the quest to have them. When we got to a stage where we would have wanted a baby I came off contraception and tried to neither worry or hope but just love the best life we could.

It is just so shit.

Hope the counselling helps. Also consider couple's counselling.

No help on the emotional side, but just from looking into it myself A LOT, I had pretty much decided to use either Reprofit in Czechia (Czech Republic) or ABC who's main clinic is London, but also have a clinic near Manchester. ABC have cheaper options for 'straight forward' IVF but frozen rounds would add up quite a bit.

The above options were based purely on cost factor+ recommendations / outcomes. I'm not sure what your financial situation is, I know you say you can afford it. So could we, but it's so hard putting that money into something that may come to nothing, or may take multiple rounds. So I found the cheapest options available, without compromising on the quality of the clinic, so that we could give ourselves the chance of as many rounds as possible.

It really is such an individual thing.
Do what works for you. I know some people who talk openly about it just as another topic in chatting, others who keep it private. For some it helps to have an exact plan: E.G. We'll allow ourselves 2 fresh cycles, then look into other options. Or they know they'll do 1x own egg cycle, then try donor egg, then adoption. For me, I just took each step as it came and reassessed. You may learn more about what works and doesn't in a future a cycle so then decide to try again differently. I still have no idea if I would have adopted, because I never had to face the reality of it, so you don't need to have all the the answers now. I know some people who tried to be at peace with never having children right from the start even whilst continuing IVF, and others who never let themselves consider that as a thought.

It can be completely all consuming. Let yourself feel how you feel. Keep communication up with your partner. Don't look to social media for all the perfect people with their perfect happy families. It's not real. Tackle and get support for each of your small steps. So if you need practical support in your next cycle, get that from everywhere you can. If in the future you need support in accepting being childless, then search that out at that point.

Good luck

Usually set my goals for each day, then just focus on the day then the next day, I found if I thought too far ahead, it is unmanageable, but if I focus on each day at a time, it makes it manageable.

One of my close friends is adoptive mum to two girls, now late teens, adopted at 2 weeks and the second one a day old. They are a wonderful family. The girls know they are adopted but it makes no difference, they say 'we are special and wanted because you chose us'. The youngest ironically looks a bit like her husband.
She is MUM. She just didn't give birth. Nothing will change that. Please consider your options OP.

Zombie.

Hugs. Are you and husband in a position to take a short absence from work and go on a fabulous, exciting, exotic holiday? Physical distance often allows for emotional distance and it will give you time to reconnect with your husband and fill the days? Travelling isn't everyone's thing but I find it hugely enriching and it might be helpful for you to find something, even short term, that gives you some sense of purpose and fulfilment. Other commenters have some fabulous suggestions for your next move when you get back!

Didn’t want to read and run - so sorry you are goinn through this, it’s heartbreaking and there is no easy answer. I would suggest dealing with it like grief ( as you are grieving for the life you want to have) and get some individual or couples counselling ❤️

ITS A ZOMBIE THREAD

You said you feel your lives are meaningless. Please believe that no one else thinks that . Yours lives are worthwhile irrespective of children.
I know you feel how you feel. I hope you get the family you crave or find peace

I don't know whether this is helpful or not. A decade ago i was where you are. I had a friend who was going through the same. Then our paths diverged - I was one of the lucky ones, but it never happened for her. A decade later we are still friends, and we were talking about how it all worked out. She told me that she's got to the point where she no longer feels sad about being child free. She has so much going on in her life and is happy. She does things I could never dream of. She said she no longer considers it better or worse, just different.

@TipsNotHacks A baby is a baby for such a fleeting second..and before you know it they are flying off to leave the nest.
I do know two couples that were ''Desperate'' for a baby, and then when the children arrived, {Via IVF } their apparently solid marriages broke down.

Kid/s do put a huge pressure on a partnership..But I do think that 'Yearning' is hormonally driven in women.

It's probably how the human race keeps itself going.

Never give up hope, though.

Who resurrects the ZOMBIES!

I went through it for 9 years and never found a coping method.

I was fine for the first 3 years, a bit stressed wanting to try EVERYTHING (accupuncture, pre-seed, clomid, temping... the obsession) for the next 3 years then, after clomid I got pregnant but suffered a MMC and fell apart for the 3 years after that.

We never got any help from the NHS (beyond basic blood tests and STD test... they missed that BOTH me and dh where infertile... PCOS and 0% morphology) so went abroard and paid out of pocket, we only had 1 shot and only got 1 embryo but it was successful.

We hoped to save up and try again and then as if in an Alanis Morissette song I fell pregnant with a suprise baby - you wait a decade and 2 come along in 2 years.

The only thing that stopped the obsession for me was getting to the end and having my DS. I wish I had a magic answer for you but I dont and studies have shown infertility to have higher levels of depression and mental health impacts than cancer (I actually got cancer year 4 of my fertility journey and had a mastectomy, granted I know some people have far worse cancer journeys than me but in comparison to infertility it was a breeze), fertility just really fucks with your mind.