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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Seriously, how do you cope??

68 replies

TipsNotHacks · 17/07/2017 21:58

Currently in the throes of another dark week (seems to follow a monthly cycle of grief, next week I'll start meds again and will be hopeful and life will be easier).

Been TTC now for 4 years. Problems are with me, not DH. I had a failed IVF cycle two months ago and have no other free NHS cycles. We can self fund at a push but I am utterly panicked that we now must pursue our fertility treatment alone now that there is nothing more the NHS can do for us. That was our safety net somehow and now that's been shattered.

I am constantly panicky and feel exhausted with it all. My utter desperation for a baby is at an all time high and consumes my every waking moment. I am a very happy go lucky person but I no longer recognise myself. I am able to put on a brace face with friends and although they know our situation is not good, I am sure they think we are otherwise coping really well and have somehow just accepted that we may never be parents. As if we ever could!

My husband is an unbelieveable man. Kind, patient and never cracks under the pressure. But he is obviously suffering as I am. I have no idea how our marriage will stand this pressure long term. How do people do it??

I have a family 60th in early Aug (DH's side) and they have been useless in all this and I am dreading putting on a front.

On the surface, we have it all - nice house, both have interesting jobs and no money worries but my life is empty and meaningless. The only positives in my life are my DH and incredible family but I feel like I've reached a crossroads where I need to be honest with myself that I am not coping.

I am desperately seeking coping strategies, tips etc on how to stop this constant gut wrenching feeling and empty aching sadness. I feel like I'm living a lie and it's tearing me apart.

OP posts:

Original poster

TipsNotHacks · 18/07/2017 11:05

Overwhelmed by the kindness on here. Thank you so much

OP posts:

Iikkiilloo · 18/07/2017 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iikkiilloo · 18/07/2017 13:13

Also not sure why the guy calling himself a Doctor. I can't see anywhere that he is qualified as a medical or academic Doctor 🤷🏻‍♀️
He is a Master of Acupunture but not sure what else. I do understand that a lot of people think acupuncture has done benefits.

Original poster

TipsNotHacks · 18/07/2017 14:39

Personally I tried acupuncture (gave it the benefit of the doubt and 6 months of my time for £££) but nada. I don't think it had any impact whatsoever (I wasn't expecting miracles, but at least some kind of hormonal shift at least) but fair enough if it was helpful for others.

OP posts:

delftblue · 18/07/2017 15:22

Have you discovered Gateway women? It's a wonderful orhanisation which has helped me a lot.

I find not being able to have children devastating. But the way I cope is above all being kind to myself, keeping busy and trying to feel gratitude for what I have. Not in a flippant way that dismisses my suffering but actually sitting down and looking in great detail at all the ways I'm lucky and feeling as deeply as I can the ways in which I'm lucky. Through all our suffering there is always someone who looks at you and wishes they were in your shoes.

I'm neglecting to mention my ebay habit. Feeling sad? Buy some new stuff! Works like a gem when i need a small pick me up. It's the little things that get you through the day. I don't have a pet at present and an animal is in no way a baby but dogs and cats bring so much comfort to so many people who can't have children.

requestingsunshine · 18/07/2017 15:30

Bless you, I understand where you are with it consuming every moment of your life. i was the same. It took us 5 years to become pregant and in those 5 years I would have done anything, anything to become pregnant. It completely took over my thoughts and my life really. I functioned on the outside but on the inside I had this intense longing that I never knew could exist. I am so blessed that after 5 years we had a beautiful perfect little baby. And I am also pleased to tell you that I then fell pregnant and carried to term 3 babies after that naturally and with no intervention. So miracles do happen, just try and keep strong your time will come.

Absofrigginlootly · 18/07/2017 15:44

I also didn't like th fertility forums. I found the desperation of others on there just added to my stress. It can make you feel it's all insurmountable - afterall, "just look at all the things people are going through?!" I thought.

But then I realized it was a massively skewed 'sample' and that - as my obgyn consultant told me - the vast majority of people get there in the end. The stats are on your side.

I also found the core forum users quite 'aggressive' for want of a better word, in their approach and not actually that supportive.

I agree that somewhere like MN where people have come out the other side so to speak, is actually a lot more positive and affirming.

Fertility problems are a very specific level of shitness. I don't think anyone can fully appreciate it unless they've been through it. I once read a sentence that summed up the mark it leaves on you.

A poster was saying how, even when she had had children infertility was like when you move the sofa and there's a dent in the carpet, that it stays with you.

I know what she means. We have our precious DD who will soon be 3 and we just cannot decide whether to ttc for a sibling. In all likelihood we would eventually be successful, but I just don't know if I have it in me to open that door again.....

Original poster

TipsNotHacks · 18/07/2017 16:42

Def going to look at Gateway, I've seen that mentioned a lot lately. Thanks to recent posters, v kind

OP posts:

Grenoble124 · 18/07/2017 16:53

When I found out about my fertility issues I decided to skip IVF and went straight to donor IVF. It worked first time and I have no regrets. I can't imagine the pain of failed IVF. For me coping meant having a plan. What to do if procedure failed.

lanouvelleheloise · 18/07/2017 16:57

There is no reason to despair just yet in your case, but I am going to post this anyway, from the 'other' side. I understand the desperation you feel right now, I really have lived it. But please try to remember that if it doesn't happen, you WILL handle it. Life won't be the same as it would have been with kids, but there's no reason it can't be equally wonderful in a different way. Speaking as someone who has come through infertility without children, and embraced a different kind of life as a result. One of the worst things is the lack of this perspective that the desperation brings. I hope this helps.

Original poster

TipsNotHacks · 18/07/2017 17:58

lanouvelleheloise - more than you can imagine. Your post is courage personified and I so appreciate you taking the time to write.

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Kirst205 · 18/07/2017 19:55

Me and DH were trying to conceive for 8 years with no success. We had 2 failed ivf's and other tests. We were considering going abroad for treatment and using someone elses eggs seeing as i had the problems. The doctors said i would never concieve naturally. Before we started treatment i had given up.
We had a holiday before we started treatment and when we came back i didn't get my period. I am now sitting here with my beautiful 4 month old girl sleeping in my arms.
Give your body a rest and just relax. Anything can happen. If i can get a miracle baby so can you :)

missmapp · 18/07/2017 20:10

We had many years TTC and completely understand your despair. I even ( this is shameful) was jealous of those who had had a miscarriage because they could at least get pregnant. That just shows how out of control the desperation makes you.

Be kind to yourself. Avoid any social situations you can and don't expect too much when a cycle fails. Treat you and your DH to a weekend away, we went on city breaks a lot when TTC!

Original poster

TipsNotHacks · 19/07/2017 10:04

Thank you both.

OP posts:

rainbowbreeze123 · 19/07/2017 15:24

Ive been where you are, 7 years TTC and nothing. We went through IVF and failed its been a very dark time.

We had couples counselling which really helped after 1 failed cycle however I feel like im a changed person with all weve been through - ive lost confidence and shy away from certain situations

Were currrently waiting to go through the adoption process for the 2nd time and it still feels really unfair and like it will never happen

Youll get through it be kind to yourself and your hubby, I also recommend gateway women

Maryz · 19/07/2017 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alltoomuchrightnow · 19/07/2017 16:36

To be honest, I don't, some of the time (like today - trigger)
Other days are ok especially if I'm busy and doing things I like.
Gateway Women as mentioned earlier, is a good site.

Today particularly bad, trigger I realise is pathetic or rather I'm pathetic to have sat in tears for hours.
As I'm of a certain age, the average stranger will assume I'm a mother (some of my friends are already grandmas). I had a job interview today and she fitted it around her school run 'well you know what it's like I'm sure,'' she said. No , I really, really don't. I had to go through all the school run traffic to get there anyway as interview was not at all local.
In the interview she keeps talking about personal life and how she wants to cut down hours to spend more time at home with son.(again 'you know what it's like')... I could do without all that in a job interview. I am pathetic I know. It's just the assumption I have kids. She never asked.
I'm fine with friends kids although only one is tiny. I find it easier with older kids. I don't avoid anyone .. my friends are a mix of childless and parents. However if they started moaning or saying they wish they never had them, I'd get upset.
I get really upset/ bitter /angry on MN etc when I read posts complaining about school holidays, or cost of kids. That can be a real trigger that winds me up for days.

alltoomuchrightnow · 19/07/2017 16:37

Missmap, me too re the jealousy. This is the first time I've ever, ever admitted that. I was ashamed of it.

eubyru · 19/07/2017 16:42

I would take some time for you and dp to get back to yourselves and become a better couple for it. If so plan a nice get away for you and dp to focus on and let your hair down, then when you come back look into the private ivf

QuiteLikely5 · 19/07/2017 16:46

Have you considered a clinic abroad - Spain I think had a high success rate. You will have to google though

UnaOfStormhold · 19/07/2017 16:54

I would really recommend the book "Fertile Thinking" - it's full of tips on how to cope emotionally and still be yourself through infertility. I found "it will be alright in the end, and if it isn't alright, it isn't the end' to be a very helpful mantra, helping me fight that feeling that only a BFP would ever make me happy again.

PercyPeanuts · 26/07/2017 15:37

Tips - was just wondering how you are doing? I hope things are a little easier for you now

Babyroobs · 26/07/2017 15:46

I really feel for you op. We were once in this position of thinking we would never conceive but only for a short time maybe a year then we got lucky. But yes it's a horrible feeling. Don't lose hope. I have 2 close family members going through IVF and one is now pregnant but it's so hard. Good luck.

Original poster

TipsNotHacks · 26/07/2017 16:13

Bless you both. Thank you . Yes doing better now thanks, started a fresh round of Gonal F injections this week so I'm feeling nice an 'proactive' and will likely have another go at IVF in a few months if not successful.

Thanks again

OP posts:

Sillysausages007 · 26/07/2017 16:18

Don't want to read and run. TTC 8 years, pg on final ICSI. Our one miracle. But for those 8 years my entire world fell apart.

Your lovely DH sounds a lot like my own - and so I think that you will cope - together. You will laugh, and cry, together. I truly, truly hope you have your own miracle, but a kind and loving partner makes the world of difference. Talk to each other and pursue private tx if and when you feel ready. Huge hugs.

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