Hi all
I have two children (aged 2 and 13 months) I am a full-time uni student (about to enter my final year in September) so currently I am on my summer break until the end of September. During term time, I am in uni 4 days a week (2 of them are half days) the 2 full days they go to a childminder and the 2 half days they're looked after by my mum then I am home by around 2PM.
My childminder is amazing, I was so lucky to have found her. She is rated outstanding by ofsted and really loves her job and the children she cares for. Everyday they're doing something different from baby groups to the beach to play farms. She is very active in comparison to a lot of other childminders.
I have bipolar and anxiety, it wasn't really affecting me at the moment (controlled my medication) until a couple of weeks ago the doctor identified me as being in a depressive episode of the bipolar and my anxiety is through the roof as a result too. This weather makes it no better, I wish it was dark or raining/gloomy like how I feel. I just want to lie in bed and sleep the day away (the doctor has switched my medication due to the depressive episode and it makes me feel like a zombie). During the day, I shut myself and the kids away, shut the curtains and they sit playing with their toys. Its got to the point I feel as though I don't want to be a mum anymore because I can't handle any of the things I "should" be doing, like going to the park, beach etc. I know it would be better for them and they deserve to be going out or playing in the garden but I just really am not up to it, everytime one of them makes a fuss I feel like crying.
My mums on holiday for 6 weeks (shes a teacher) so she is going to Australia to visit family, so she can't have the kids. Their dad works and lives in a different country. He has however offered to pay for the kids to go to the childminder four days a week (9-4) for the duration of the summer holidays or atleast till I feel I can cope a bit better.
Is it unreasonable for me to send my kids to the childminder when I "could" look after them (ie not working or studying, just staying at home) I really feel crap and I feel they deserve better and to go out and explore but I am really not up to it, I want to get better and focus on that and focus on going back to uni this year, as in the mindset I am in I will end up dropping out. I have worked so hard for my degree, I am only 21 and went despite having children so it would be a wasted effort to improve my children future)
I just feel sort of "mean" that I would be sending them off to the childminders despite them being well looked after and loved and get to do everything during the day. None of them complain or kick off a fuss when I drop them, they're excited.
I just don't know, AIBU if I send them?