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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sending my children to childcare even though I am not doing anything

84 replies

Porsche23 · 17/07/2017 14:57

Hi all
I have two children (aged 2 and 13 months) I am a full-time uni student (about to enter my final year in September) so currently I am on my summer break until the end of September. During term time, I am in uni 4 days a week (2 of them are half days) the 2 full days they go to a childminder and the 2 half days they're looked after by my mum then I am home by around 2PM.

My childminder is amazing, I was so lucky to have found her. She is rated outstanding by ofsted and really loves her job and the children she cares for. Everyday they're doing something different from baby groups to the beach to play farms. She is very active in comparison to a lot of other childminders.

I have bipolar and anxiety, it wasn't really affecting me at the moment (controlled my medication) until a couple of weeks ago the doctor identified me as being in a depressive episode of the bipolar and my anxiety is through the roof as a result too. This weather makes it no better, I wish it was dark or raining/gloomy like how I feel. I just want to lie in bed and sleep the day away (the doctor has switched my medication due to the depressive episode and it makes me feel like a zombie). During the day, I shut myself and the kids away, shut the curtains and they sit playing with their toys. Its got to the point I feel as though I don't want to be a mum anymore because I can't handle any of the things I "should" be doing, like going to the park, beach etc. I know it would be better for them and they deserve to be going out or playing in the garden but I just really am not up to it, everytime one of them makes a fuss I feel like crying.

My mums on holiday for 6 weeks (shes a teacher) so she is going to Australia to visit family, so she can't have the kids. Their dad works and lives in a different country. He has however offered to pay for the kids to go to the childminder four days a week (9-4) for the duration of the summer holidays or atleast till I feel I can cope a bit better.

Is it unreasonable for me to send my kids to the childminder when I "could" look after them (ie not working or studying, just staying at home) I really feel crap and I feel they deserve better and to go out and explore but I am really not up to it, I want to get better and focus on that and focus on going back to uni this year, as in the mindset I am in I will end up dropping out. I have worked so hard for my degree, I am only 21 and went despite having children so it would be a wasted effort to improve my children future)

I just feel sort of "mean" that I would be sending them off to the childminders despite them being well looked after and loved and get to do everything during the day. None of them complain or kick off a fuss when I drop them, they're excited.

I just don't know, AIBU if I send them?

OP posts:
Lifeofpies · 17/07/2017 15:30

Gosh of course YANBU. It's a fantastic idea. Like Nippey I have a day a week with DS in childcare when I'm 'free' and this is so important to my well being, it's probably the most important part of my self care.

Just please don't spend the time feeling guilty, there's absolutely no need.

StinkyMcgrinky · 17/07/2017 15:32

YADNBU

I do the same. I have anxiety and depression as well as a long term pain condition - I love my two children (2 and 13 months also!) to the ends of the earth but sometimes I need a break! We also love our childminder and to me, them spending a day with her at a museum, painting, dancing, singing etc... is much better for them than staying home with me while I'm trying to do washing, hoovering, ironing etc...it also gives me chance to do all the household chores in half the time and maybe get to sit down for an hour in the afternoon.

IMO it makes me a better parent as I am recharged and more patient with them and enjoy my time with them more!

Do not feel guilty about this, they are having fun and being cared for while you care for yourself. Flowers

ConstanceCraving · 17/07/2017 15:34

It's fab that you have such a wonderful CM that you trust so much. I'd definitely send them in your shoes. They'll be well looked after and will have fun while you concentrate on looking after yourself and getting better.

Hope things improve for you soon OP. Best of luck.

ipswichwitch · 17/07/2017 15:34

Do it and don't feel guilty in the slightest. You clearly need the time for your own health and wellbeing, and even if you didn't it will do them no harm. They're being well looked after and obviously love going to the childminder.

You've done so well getting this far with your degree, and to drop out now would be such a shame. Focus on getting in a better place, being able to continue your studies because it'll be better for you and your DC all round if you can.

When I was off work with insomnia and stress my DC still went to nursery. I was a better parent when they were back home because if had time to rest and get myself functional again, than if I'd been struggling along trying to cope.

putdownyourphone · 17/07/2017 15:36

Yanbu. I send mine to nursery a couple of times a week while I look for a job. You need time out and if they love it then what's the problem?

user1498911470 · 17/07/2017 15:36

YANBU, quite the opposite.

RebelRogue · 17/07/2017 15:37

I was a SAHM and sent DD to nursery from 2 and a half. Two days a week first,then 3 ,then 5. She loved it and I thoroughly enjoyed my free time.

OpalIridescence · 17/07/2017 15:37

Yanbu at all

TheABC · 17/07/2017 15:39

Sending them sounds like an excellent idea to me. If you feel like you should be doing more, aim for a standard scheduled activity such as swimming or the park at weekends. Taking care of yourself now is a long term investment into all your futures.

gooseygander88 · 17/07/2017 15:40

You've got to focus on you as well, and the children will be having lots of fun so try not to worry! Try and get the rest you need, and when you feel better you can make it up to your children! Flowers

mygorgeousmilo · 17/07/2017 15:40

YANBU and out previous childminder was like yours, just wonderful, and I don't regret any minute that they were with her. I think you're amazing to be studying while having two young children and battling health problems. Give yourself the break that you deserve Flowers

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 17/07/2017 15:41

Absolutely do it. You'll have more energy to do things with them when you do have them at home.

If I didn't work full time I would absolutely do this for MH reasons.

Lifeofpies · 17/07/2017 15:43

Please keep this thread and if you're ever feeling wobbly read through the replies Flowers

AtomHeart · 17/07/2017 15:45

Do it. You are ill. But for goodness sake, open those curtains! Easter Smile

Glumglowworm · 17/07/2017 15:46

Yadnbu

They're with an excellent child minder who they love. They're safe and happy.

You need some time to yourself to recharge so you can be the mum you want to be when you do have them.

panad317 · 17/07/2017 15:47

Yanbu. You have recognised your needs and what's best for all of you. Your children will have a fantastic Summer and you can concentrate on yourself which is well needed.
I am a strong believer of "you can't pour from an empty jug", it's so true.
I hope you'll start feeling better soon.

rightwhine · 17/07/2017 15:51

Another go for it.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 17/07/2017 15:51

I've always used childcare in the holidays. I need a break and the DCs need company of their own age group too. At nursery I had to pay usual rates anyway (teacher) so I kept them in for part of those days. This year DS2 is moving up to reception and I'm keeping him in part time until term starts. I'll book some sessions at a sports club for him and DS1 too.

You've got a health condition with will be benefited by rest, and your DCs enjoy the childcare setting. It's a win, win for you both.

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 17/07/2017 15:57

Just do it, don't even stop to ponder about it. If you were convalescing from a physical illness no one would bat an eyelid. When you are starting to feel better you could cut back on the hours at the childminders bit by bit. By the end of the summer hols you will be back to something like full strength and will have had a lovely few weeks with the children, ready to go back for your final year.
Is your Uni aware of your mental health problems? Having worked in pastoral care at a Uni, I know that they will do everything they can to help you out, but they have to know first and an incredible number of students don't disclose mental health issues.
Good luck for your final year!

sticklebrix · 17/07/2017 16:01

Don't even think twice about this OP. You are prioritising the wellbeing of your kids, your family's long term future and your health. All of which are really important! It sounds like a very responsible choice to me.

You have a lot on your plate and sound like a great mum. Hope you are feeling recharged soon Flowers

cjt110 · 17/07/2017 16:06

YA definitely NBU. You are giving yourself some you time when you most need it, and the kids some fun and routine whilst you get yourself back on an even keel.

Do it and don't have another thought about it. Afterall, when you are happy, they are happy too.

Daisy17 · 17/07/2017 16:06

Yes. You need to recharge. BrewCake

user1495025590 · 17/07/2017 16:09

who pays for this childminder if you have no job and no partmer?

DotForShort · 17/07/2017 16:09

Just to add another voice to the chorus: YANBU. Take care of yourself. Flowers

sticklebrix · 17/07/2017 16:09

user OP said that the DC's father has offered to pay.