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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sending my children to childcare even though I am not doing anything

84 replies

Porsche23 · 17/07/2017 14:57

Hi all
I have two children (aged 2 and 13 months) I am a full-time uni student (about to enter my final year in September) so currently I am on my summer break until the end of September. During term time, I am in uni 4 days a week (2 of them are half days) the 2 full days they go to a childminder and the 2 half days they're looked after by my mum then I am home by around 2PM.

My childminder is amazing, I was so lucky to have found her. She is rated outstanding by ofsted and really loves her job and the children she cares for. Everyday they're doing something different from baby groups to the beach to play farms. She is very active in comparison to a lot of other childminders.

I have bipolar and anxiety, it wasn't really affecting me at the moment (controlled my medication) until a couple of weeks ago the doctor identified me as being in a depressive episode of the bipolar and my anxiety is through the roof as a result too. This weather makes it no better, I wish it was dark or raining/gloomy like how I feel. I just want to lie in bed and sleep the day away (the doctor has switched my medication due to the depressive episode and it makes me feel like a zombie). During the day, I shut myself and the kids away, shut the curtains and they sit playing with their toys. Its got to the point I feel as though I don't want to be a mum anymore because I can't handle any of the things I "should" be doing, like going to the park, beach etc. I know it would be better for them and they deserve to be going out or playing in the garden but I just really am not up to it, everytime one of them makes a fuss I feel like crying.

My mums on holiday for 6 weeks (shes a teacher) so she is going to Australia to visit family, so she can't have the kids. Their dad works and lives in a different country. He has however offered to pay for the kids to go to the childminder four days a week (9-4) for the duration of the summer holidays or atleast till I feel I can cope a bit better.

Is it unreasonable for me to send my kids to the childminder when I "could" look after them (ie not working or studying, just staying at home) I really feel crap and I feel they deserve better and to go out and explore but I am really not up to it, I want to get better and focus on that and focus on going back to uni this year, as in the mindset I am in I will end up dropping out. I have worked so hard for my degree, I am only 21 and went despite having children so it would be a wasted effort to improve my children future)

I just feel sort of "mean" that I would be sending them off to the childminders despite them being well looked after and loved and get to do everything during the day. None of them complain or kick off a fuss when I drop them, they're excited.

I just don't know, AIBU if I send them?

OP posts:

putdownyourphone · 17/07/2017 16:12

User - their dad. It says in the OP

upperlimit · 17/07/2017 16:19

It sounds like a good idea to me. If your childminder were a favourite aunt you wouldn't think twice about taking up the offer of childcare - and it's not like your dc are going to care two hoots if money is exchanged in return for their fun days out.

redphonebox · 17/07/2017 16:22

YANBU. I would happily do this myself if I could and I don't have depression, anxiety etc. If they love it it's win win surely?

notafish · 17/07/2017 16:23

YANBU Use the time to focus on you feeling better. Good childminders are fantastic and it sounds like your children will have a great summer with them whilst also being able to come home to a refreshed mother. It might be lovely for you too to hear about the lovely things they have been up to. I love my children and enjoy being with them but I also enjoyed other people enjoying them and giving them different types of adventures and hearing about them afterwards.

BackforGood · 17/07/2017 16:28

Of course YANBU

I was going to say that before I even read all the detail of your opening thread, but, given that, you definitely should - can't see any reason to think otherwise.

thatdearoctopus · 17/07/2017 16:29

Why on earth wouldn't you? Dh and I used to send ours during the holidays (we were both teachers) and it gave us the opportunity to catch up on chores you don't want to be doing with toddlers about - emptying the loft/DIY/bits of decorating. We'd take them in late and collect early for the 2.5 days a week they were scheduled in anyway.
Win, win.

Lynnm63 · 17/07/2017 16:31

YANBU with bells on. In fact imo YWBU if you didn't send them. They love it, their dad is paying. It will help you both to recover and to be ready for your final year at Uni.

ShastaBeast · 17/07/2017 16:31

We were never meant to be on our own with kids, solely responsible. We need help and used to have a lot of family on hand - that's how we evolved. Sadly parenting is now something many of us do without support or at least much more alone. I paid for childcare as a sahm and it helped my mental state a lot. It's tough parenting even in good health so take all the help you can.

megletthesecond · 17/07/2017 16:33

Yanbu.

Dagnabit · 17/07/2017 16:42

Gosh no! YADNBU! You sound like you need this time to yourself because you have an illness. If you were having chemo treatment for cancer, you wouldn't think for a second about not using the childcare so this is no different imho.

And like many others, I'd use childcare for some of the time even if I were well if it were available! Kids enjoy different activities and different company anyway!

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 17/07/2017 16:44

This is a no-brainer for me...YANBU. I'm currently having a couple of days off work in the sunshine while my ds is with the childminder and I feel zero guilt. Sometimes you just have to look after yourself

chickhonhoneybabe · 17/07/2017 16:47

YANBU! Use the time to do things for you, and prep for going back to uni.

I still use childcare the days when I'm on holiday/reading weeks etc.

I'm in a similar position (single mum, full time student with mental health issues), it's exhausting!

Redtartanshoes · 17/07/2017 16:48

Could you maybe join the childminder on a day out once a week? Bit of company for you, and spending time with kids without so much pressure?

DeadGood · 17/07/2017 17:08

"We were never meant to be on our own with kids, solely responsible. We need help and used to have a lot of family on hand - that's how we evolved."

Could not agree more.

Good luck OP!

harshbuttrue1980 · 17/07/2017 17:41

Four full days is a lot, and I think you should be balancing your needs (to have me time) with the needs of your kids (who would naturally prefer to be with their mummy than with a childminder). All focus on the kids and having them with you 24/7 will drive you mad. However, all focus on you and putting yourself before the kids all the time isn't great either. You and your kids are equally important. Why not send them for a couple of mornings rather than 4 full days so you get some me time and your kids get some mummy time?

SkafaceClaw · 17/07/2017 17:43

YADNBU!

I used to feel bad as my nursery requested that my ds continued to go to twice per week in the school holidays - I'm a teacher. At first I was against the idea but I soon caught on.

I do any school work and chores when he is happily there and then when I'm with him he gets a more relaxed, happy me. Plus it keeps him in his routine there. Win-Win!

Dangermouse80 · 17/07/2017 17:49

Yanbu I'm currently on maternity leave and still sending my other two to nursery 2 yr old for 2 full days and my 4 yr old for 3 full days.

Kids love it and I enjoy the time we do spend together. I could not occupy them 24/7.
In your circumstances I would not hesitate to send them to childcare - sounds like they enjoy it and it will give you the time you need.

gamerwidow · 17/07/2017 17:52

I quite often send DD to the childminder even if I'm not working. Its great to get a whole day to myself. I don't have any long term health conditions either I just like a day off. I feel no guilt what so ever about this and OP you shouldn't feel guilty either.

Mothervulva · 17/07/2017 17:52

I'm at home with my two and they both go to nursery two days a week, both of them go on a Friday. Do it and don't think on it.

toastandbutterandjam · 17/07/2017 17:56

I'm young, i'm a carer to my sibling, I'm a student and I also have severe mental health issues (untreated, not through choice, but that's a different thread). I really feel for you. It is tough.

School holidays and after school is when I care. If I could send her to childcare, I would. Sadly I can't for various reasons.
Children can be tiring, without already being depressed. I'd send your children. They're loved, cared for and having a lovely time in a safe and secure enviroment.

Send your children and have the break you deserve.
Best of luck

Hammy12345 · 17/07/2017 17:56

Not unreasonable at all! I have Bipolar, one of my children is at school, the other does 6 hours at nursery twice a week. That time is essential to my wellbeing, which in turn benefits everyone else.

BelligerentGardenPixies · 17/07/2017 17:57

Excellent idea BUT only if you actually use the time to concentrate on yourself and get well. If you are spending 4 days a week mentally flagellating yourself about not being the mum you think you should be, then you are wasting the time.

You have to give yourself radical permission to use the time to focus solely on yourself and getting well and that means not guilt tripping yourself, not comparing yourself to Pintrest mum's, not lamenting the fact that your children don't have a different/better mum etc.

This is a great opportunity for you and your kids. A healthy and stable mum is a gift that will keep on giving well past the summer and the beach and parks will still be there next year.

upperlimit · 17/07/2017 18:07

Harshbuttrue I think you are wrong.

Firstly, you state that four days is a lot as though it were a matter of fact rather than opinion. 8 hours, four days is 32 hours, leaving the op and her children plenty of time to spend together in the week.

You talk about balancing the needs of the children against the needs of the Op as if this were a unnecessary extravagance. Having a mother who is able to find workarounds so that they are able to manage their mental illness is absolutely paramount for the children.

Fergus425 · 17/07/2017 18:11

Until last year I did 15 hrs a week at work (during school hours).

Coming up to the summer hols, I knew my hours were about to increase but I didn't know exactly how or when. So I reserved a space for DD and DS in the before and after school club, 5 days a week, in case my hours were increased over the 6 week summer holiday (I didn't want to have to wait until September to see if spaces were available before I could accept additional hours).

Turns out I only went back 9-5 x 4 days a week.

Figured I'd leave the kids in before and after school club for all 5 days for the first few weeks; give me the 5th day to recover and rest while I got used to the increased hours (and more stressful job)

A year later, they're still there and I wouldn't give up my 1 day a week to myself for all the tea in China.

Do what you need to do.

thepatchworkcat · 17/07/2017 18:16

Go for it and don't feel guilty, they'll have a fab time and it'll be good for you all. I'm a teacher but I'm still sending my DC to nursery for 1.5 days a week in the summer, can't face entertaining them on my own for 6 weeks!

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