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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Give me a slap please.... DS not invited to party

55 replies

HTKB · 17/07/2017 12:52

DS is 5, just finishing Reception. He seems to have made plenty of friends and has had lots of party invites and play dates. Teachers comment that he is popular with good friendships.

There have been issues with 1 particular boy, G. G became quite possessive over DS back after Christmas and it was flagged by the teacher and sorted. Since then they do play together every day at some point but G is often unkind to DS after a while. DS often talks about G in a puzzling way, trying to figure him out and why he says this and that and does this and that but is then nice again etc. DS seems intimidated by G too and is still under the impression he has ask G for permission to play with other kids etc. Having said that he's become much more assertive with G.

The parents are lovely and I often socialise with the mum. The boys also go to the same childminder once a week.

Anyway, you can see where this is going.... G teasing DS a lot at the weekend at a party, that G was having a party and DS wasn't invited. Wasn't sure if this was true but confirmed with a few discreet texts to some other mums. DS is sad but mainly puzzled as to why "they can't find room for me Mummy". I've been breezy, and we are busy anyway AND I suspect the friendship is toxic anyway and I don't particularly want to encourage it..... so why do I feel so upset?

OP posts:

Figgygal · 17/07/2017 12:56

You feel sad for him missing out I have a 5 yr old boy finishing reception too and it stings sometimes even if he doesn't really play with the child in question. The fact he was teasing your little boy over it is just horrible

I just try to remember next year it'll be smaller bday celebrations more likely than huge class full party's and so he will have to get used to not being invited to everything.

It's what you said about socialising with the mum that winds me up why has she tried to hide it.

stella23 · 17/07/2017 13:05

Because she's meant to be your friend, he's meant to be ds's friend. It's shitty behaviour. It's ok to be upset. Tell your ds to go and play with other children, help him to realise that he is not your ds's friend. Invite other children to play dates and park trips and things like that. She could have told you.

putdownyourphone · 17/07/2017 13:10

Well when it's your DS' party invite everyone but G. I wouldn't care if it's petty - G and his dont seem to.

putdownyourphone · 17/07/2017 13:10

*g and his parents

drayday · 17/07/2017 13:10

I'm going through almost exactly the same thing. It's a horrible feeling. I'm trying to do what stella23 has said.

ingeniusnonsense · 17/07/2017 13:15

The mum is a bitch.

KC225 · 17/07/2017 13:22

It's difficult as you don't know what G is saying at home. Could he be saying your little boy is leaving him out, hurting his feelings. It sounds as if the mother wants to cool the friendship too. But I agree, the mother should have had a word and pre-warned you.

Can you arrange something fun for the afternoon of the party for your DS and perhaps a friend so he has something to look forward to.

JessieMcJessie · 17/07/2017 13:23

Would the taunting about not being invited not be classed as bullying? If so, the school may have a zero-tolerance policy on bullying and this should be raised with the class teacher.

And the Mum sure as hell is not lovely if she has allowed her son not to invite yours.

Gemini69 · 17/07/2017 13:30

the Party is not the issue OP....

what's bothering you is that this Kid is manipulating controlling and no excluding your little boy and playing mind games... it's not healthy and its not fair... however I'd be happy he's not invited... saves you inviting him to you DS's party next time ...

try to create a non spoken distance between them....

Good luck OP xx

MrsOverTheRoad · 17/07/2017 13:31

Don't get into the habit of making "discrete enquiries" really don't. It will be bad for you in the long term.

It's understandable that you'd be upset...the woman is someone you socialise with. Having said that, if the party is a smaller affair..under ten say...for an organised activity, she's probably asked her son for a list of who he'd like...and your son wasn't one of them.

That's probably all it is.

Enourage DS to have more playdates with different boys.

BenLui · 17/07/2017 13:34

I'd be thrilled, it means that you don't have to invite G to your party.

I agree with KC you have no idea what is being said at home. The mother of my DD's bully blanked me in the playground for 6 months. I'm pretty sure her DD had been laying groundwork at home in case I spoke to her Mother about it.

BenLui · 17/07/2017 13:35

Just tell your DS that you can't attend every party and that there isn't always space/sometimes it's too expensive to invite everyone. It's a good lesson to learn early on anyway.

There will be other parties.

chameleon71 · 17/07/2017 13:39

gah- have the same thing with dd just finishing y6.

just ridiculous behaviour on the part of the other mother IMO - and I have had to sit on my hands not to write a passive aggressive email. But it's not worth it.

Rise above rise above.

Sounds like it's a toxic friendship anyway?

Nikephorus · 17/07/2017 13:42

Was DS the only one not invited though? If several others weren't either then I don't see the problem (taunting aside).

nachogazpacho · 17/07/2017 13:44

I'd tell him the boy was being unkind teasing him and he was better off not going to someone's party who was being unkind to him. Tell him that places usually only let a certain amount of children go to parties.

twotwofour · 17/07/2017 13:48

This is such cuntish behaviour.

It's frowned upon on MN but when your DS next has a party I'd be inviting the whole class apart from this kid. Fuck it.

Original poster

HTKB · 17/07/2017 13:48

Thanks everyone for your advice..... I agree I don't know what's being said at his house. His parents don't do drop off or pick up so I don't know how much they are involved in the day to day. I think it would perhaps be Mum recognising the friendship doesn't bring out the best in the boys, if anything.

MrsOverTheRoad it won't be as benign as that, I don't think. I doubt G could name ten other classmates. DS and G are so involved with each other that no invite has got to be deliberate, either from G so he can upset DS with it or from the mum for some reason.

Of course I have been breezy and actually we are off camping with a huge gang of mates anyway on the day.

I think it's that DS, whilst no angel, is so sweet and kind when it comes to friendships. He is always striving to be friends, have fun, be inclusive, and I think that's why he keeps going back to G.....essentially he just doesn't believe that G will be nasty to him this time. And to see him keep getting rejected/upset, then pulled back in.... honestly it makes me want to weep sometimes

OP posts:

lanouvelleheloise · 17/07/2017 13:49

I think you're upset because it's odd. This child is possessive over your son, to the point it's had to be raised by the school, and yet he doesn't invite him to a birthday party? It sounds as though the parents may have got the hump because your DS (understandably) wants to play with other children as well as G, and G doesn't take well to this. Perhaps it's best for everyone if G's friendship circle is widened, however.

Original poster

HTKB · 17/07/2017 13:51

I suppose I'm watching DSs innocence and faith in people be bought down to earth by the real world and it's making me feel sad as my baby is growing up.

OP posts:

RedSkyAtNight · 17/07/2017 13:51

You already have the reason he's not invited "they can't find room for him". If they've invited the rest of the class, this clearly is awful behaviour, but if they've only invited 3 other friends, and frankly it sounds as though OP's DS and G are best kept apart ...

I totally agree that you need to practice on the "you can't be invited to every party" line. This won't be the first party he's not invited to.

I disagree that this is anything to do with the other mother - I always gave my DC a number of friends they could invite and let them pick whoever ... and it really doesn't sound as though they are best buddies.

I agree you need to focus on the controlling behavior and teasing in school.

drspouse · 17/07/2017 13:56

My DS has a friendship a little like this in that he has had a very hard time being friends with anyone other than C, who is nice enough but we kind of prefer that he isn't just friends with C, for several reasons.

School have got involved and have introduced a friendship club - for a few children who have problems making friends, where they do a variety of fun activities and talk about sharing and how you are good friends (e.g. you do not hit your friend if they play with someone else .

If DS (who is a Jan birthday) was having his birthday now, I would be in two minds about inviting C, as DS might act out his jealousy.

But they are only 5 and honestly, it's not bullying, at this stage. It's just immaturity.

If you feel that G is jealous/possessive of your son maybe the DM is avoiding asking your son to pre-empt this behaviour.

I would be asking school if there is anything they can do to encourage more mature behaviour in both boys. They may well say that they have the situation in hand and your DS is doing fine. In our case that would have been the outcome had the other parents enquired about C and my DS.

Your DS won't know which afternoon the party is, especially not if it's over the summer.

Theonethingididntwant · 17/07/2017 13:57

Haven't read all the other comments but if you have been told then no doubt the other parents have also been told about Gs possessive behaviour. They probably missed him out not to be unkind but to stop G from being a shit to him on the day (although they've probably sugar coated it more than I have). Something along the lines of well they clearly don't get on regardless of who's fault that is.
It's sad but your DS will have fun with you and he'll remember that over any party.

Justhadmyhaircut · 17/07/2017 14:00

Fab camping pics sent into school -
Bet his dm is the sort to make sure he wins all the games. .

Great excuse to encourage other friendships though. . .

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/07/2017 14:01

Well when it's your DS' party invite everyone but G. I wouldn't care if it's petty - G and his dont seem toO

THIS, X 1000000

and if they mention it, say airily "oh we are mainly doing this to return hospitality"

anyway he needs a break from the toxic little fucker

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/07/2017 14:03

I also think its time to sit him down and teach him that some people unfortunately are toxic cunts not very kind and that going into September you are going to help him make some new and kinder friends. onwards OP!

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