Give me a slap please.... DS not invited to party

[HTKB]

DS is 5, just finishing Reception. He seems to have made plenty of friends and has had lots of party invites and play dates. Teachers comment that he is popular with good friendships.

There have been issues with 1 particular boy, G. G became quite possessive over DS back after Christmas and it was flagged by the teacher and sorted. Since then they do play together every day at some point but G is often unkind to DS after a while. DS often talks about G in a puzzling way, trying to figure him out and why he says this and that and does this and that but is then nice again etc. DS seems intimidated by G too and is still under the impression he has ask G for permission to play with other kids etc. Having said that he's become much more assertive with G.

The parents are lovely and I often socialise with the mum. The boys also go to the same childminder once a week.

Anyway, you can see where this is going.... G teasing DS a lot at the weekend at a party, that G was having a party and DS wasn't invited. Wasn't sure if this was true but confirmed with a few discreet texts to some other mums. DS is sad but mainly puzzled as to why "they can't find room for me Mummy". I've been breezy, and we are busy anyway AND I suspect the friendship is toxic anyway and I don't particularly want to encourage it..... so why do I feel so upset?

This could be your lucky day!

Consider this as your 'get out of jail card'. You can now firmly put a distance between your DS and G without second guessing your decision or having to take into consideration the social niceties concerned.

Its time like this that I am glad my two are now late teens. I can understand why you are upset but you don't deserve a slap!! But maybe a bit of a thicker skin might help as this is only the start of it - your DS will likely have more of this over the course of his early schooling and you will likely have to deal with the problems of not inviting other kids to your DS' parties for various reasons. Its a bloody minefield! Most important thing is to help your DS learn how to deal with this type of situation and not to get too upset yourself/"fall out" with parents. I made that mistake once when my DS (aged about 8) was being picked on by a boy in his class who lived nearby - tears every night, boy taking his snacks/treats/pencils etc. spoke to the mum who said her DS was telling her the same about my DS - we had words and fell out - the two boys were then best friends a couple of days after for about 2 years until the other family left the neighbourhood. Good luck.

Surely better than being mistaken for a member of The Kelly Family

When I visited Germany in the mid-90s, people kept mistaking me for one of them - I think the blonde one with mad hair.

Sorry wrong thread!!

You feel upset because it's shit. This first happened to my daughter at preschool and it was awful. You feel soooo bad for them. Just tell him you can't go anyway as you have way better things to do and take him to see cars3! Xx

What a horrible little boy G is. Tell your DS all about what a fantastic time he's going to have camping and limit your interaction with G's family moving forwards. Any chance you can find a new childminder?

Not inviting someone to your party is one thing. It's fine (as long as it is not 'everybody except x' or 'all boys except x'). Even if the children are supposedly friends (and especially if it is only the parents who are friends). DS is supposedly friends with pretty much the whole school and numerous other children as well, but parties for us mean 14 children max so he has to make a selection.

Taunting a child with 'I'm having a party and you're not invited' is NOT fine. It is excluding, and often used in conjunction with belittling and manipulating behaviour.
At DS' school in reception this happened a lot for a while and school came down quite forcefully - birthday parties became a taboo topic, were no longer allowed to be mentioned at school.

I would mention this to school. Be aware though that the focus may just shift to something else. The dynamic between your DS and G sounds very much like something that happened with my DS in reception. In the end we had to teach him to 'walk away' and 'find someone else to play with' and nearly three years later, the relationship between the two boys is still tense. (It's ok for a while but as soon as they spend a little more time together, the other boy starts his bullying behaviour again, just that now at 7 it is a bit more sophisticated and covert).

Of course you're feeling upset. Your child is being bullied and rejected and excluded. I shed many a late-night tear about this! And yes, we were sociable with the other boy's parents too, quite liked them.

Oh and when the birthday party thing was 'acute', we invented a reason why DS couldn't go anyway. So that he could say to the other boy whenever it came up, "oh I'll be going to Legoland that day anyway, sorry!'

And another PS, that boy's mum, being nice, did invite DS to her boy's party, against his protestations (it was a whole class party). And we ended up going - which was a mistake! Just to experience first hand how badly that boy treated DS. E.g. he shouted right in his face (with lots of people watching) "I didn't want you to come anyway! It is only my mum who made me invite you! Why did you make me invite him, mum?!'

The parents aren't lovely then are they?

My DS2 had similar - a very bright (well verbally advanced), confident little boy claimed him as his best friend on the first day and they were inseparable, it all seemed like a lovely little friendship. Then DS2 became unhappy, and it turned out the boy was bossing DS2 about daily and when DS2 had stood up for himself and said he should also get a chance to "be boss" (choose the game, choose who to be in the role play StarWars or NinjaGogame etc) the other boy had told DS2 he was a baby and no longer his friend.

Other boy then selected all the other boys on the perifery of their group and told them DS2 was a baby and none of them were "allowed" to play with him.

Went into school (kindergarten, but 4 year olds) at this point and started getting it sorted, but it took a long while. They had noticed the behaviour but not the extent.

The child was remarkably manipulative for 4! There followed a period where he invited DS2 back into the group for a day or two seemingly for the deliberate purpose of upsetting him by then"banning" the other boys from playing with him again.

Kindergarten implemented a conflict resolution project which all the kids did twice a week, which did help, but the most successful thing was DS2 striking up a new best friendship with a boy not "chosen" by the trouble maker as part of his inner circle. The other little boy is truly lovely, and dances this own drum, seemingly impervious to the proto alpha male

The trouble maker's parents appear very involved and articulate, well dressed, nice cars, all that - but they are not lovely, and being in the same room as the dad for more than couple of minutes a few times reveals what influences him...

I would use this to your DS's advantage...If it isn't a good friendship... Let him know this is why it is important he plays with other children. Encourage his friendships , playdates with others..

I would do everything for him to find another way..These hurt feelings are a good to build on something postive.

I also agree with the PP who said don't go asking other parents.. It won't help the situation

Yes to all that, drinkingtea!
I too was surprised at how manipulative 4/5 year olds can be. E.g. as DS was striking up a friendship with another boy, the bully would tell him he'd get his mum to buy him (DS) Lego but only if DS never sat next to his new friend. For a few days DS got up and moved away whenever the new friend sat down next to him! He clearly felt uncomfortable about it (and obviously no Lego was forthcoming) and told us about it at home and we were able to clear it all up.

And yes again, it was striking up new friendships with children who weren't drawn into any of those social hierarchy games that helped resolve the issue.

"They probably missed him out not to be unkind but to stop G from being a shit to him on the day (although they've probably sugar coated it more than I have)"

^^
This.

I honestly cannot comprehend why you're upset at your child not being invited to his bully's party.

Hi
speaking as a mum of older kids now, I can tell you from experience that this is not unusual. A bit of social engineering is called for - just gradually distance yourself from the mother, and find new friends for you and your son. Organise some play dates with other kids in the class - try to facilitate some other friendships for your DS by organising fun things to do / meet ups at soft play centres / play dates etc. You can do this while they are this young, you can exert real influence over who they are friends with. Unfortunately as they get older your influence diminishes, so now is a very good time to start helping your son broaden his horizons and make friends with other kids. The other child will soon lose interest and find someone else to bother. It is upsetting but life and friendships do move on and things will improve. xxx

I suspect it is less the lack of an invitation to a party that is upsetting the OP, and more the realisation that her child is being excluded and bullied.

What Stella said about finding other friends. Relationship sounds toxic and is unlikely to improve over time in my opinion.

I have an older dd and have been through a myriad of crappy issues surrounding parties - hopefully we're through the worst of that now she is going to secondary but have a young dc and preparing for it all over again. At the end of the day I will be holding a party for younger dc and am issuing a blanket invite to her year group at pre-school. Parties tend to get smaller as they get older anyway so hopefully this shouldn't be an issue shortly. But I have been through some rubbish times with dd over the party invite thing and have discovered that some children can be malicious to other children about not inviting them! Sometimes the parents are thoughtless too about issuing invites (not discreet). I am aware that my youngest dc has not had any party invites from pre-school but have chosen to totally ignore this and carry on with blanket invite anyhow - dc wants a party, she needs party goers, she is unlikely to go to school with these children so hopefully at her new school she will find children who value her friendship and get loads of invites! I am having to sanitize the whole thing for the sake of my sanity and make it a happy occasion for dc.

Sorry, shouldn't have veered off the subject but I know how emotionally charged the whole thing is. It is upsetting for you but it gives you a massive excuse to distance yourself from this friendship. It feels awful, but in a way you are fortunate that you have escaped this toxicity now rather than later.

Thank you everyone. DS has plenty of other and better friends.... not sure why he's so drawn to G. It's anxiety I think, never sure how G will be with him so he's drawn back to him to keep checking.

I'm not sure I would call it bullying, but this has definitely been a wake up call.

Not sure if it muddies the waters, but G spat at me whilst I was helping at school a few weeks ago. The mum texted apologising and I reassured her but thought perhaps it might be mixed up in embarrassment over that. Although we have seen each other socially since.

The more I read this the more I see my own DS in some way like G.
He is just a fairly immature 5 yo who at the start of the school year missed his friends from nursery so was trying to find a new best friend, but really didn't know how to do that.
And as I say we may well not have invited the new best friend if DS was having his party at this time of year - to encourage DS to be friends with a wider range of children.
My DS and his "BF" do have fun together. They both like to be silly. In fact now it's further on in the year they have both I think found other people to be silly with.

Can you explain this in terms of, G's mum and dad think he's behaving badly to you so he doesn't get to have you at his party?

The child spat at you?

Why on earth would you want your child to go to his party??

In our case it was DS who was spat at. In the face, as he was on the ground. In my view.

DS had zero reference points to understand that. OP if that child has spat at you, chances are he has spat at your DS as well. Your DS might never have told you due to not having understood/thinking this is obviously one of those things that children do to each other.

You and your son have good reason to feel sad but unfortunately the while birthday party thing with school friends is a bit of a minefield, and this is likely to not be the only time you or your son are sad about him not being invited to something. Reception is tough but after a few years both parent and child become resilient to it.

I expect you have explained to your DS that while not everyone can be invited to some parties, teasing and taunting people about it is not the sort of thing friends do. You can also point out the other things that G does that make him not a good friend. Hopefully your DS will use this event to realize that G is not anything close to a friend.

I would also keep an ear open for tales of how G is being sooo nice to your DS, then he's nasty, then he's nice. That's another classic - lure someone in with nice behavior, just to kick them in the teeth. Usually it's heard of in the Relationships section here, but I was surprised to find an 8 year old doing exactly that to my DD when she was a lot younger. Abusers have to start from somewhere I suppose.

X-post - He spat at you?

WTH?

There's something a bit wrong if he's spitting at random adults who are helping in the school. Normally when I've volunteered I get treated politely, even if the little ones do look at me as if I'm a serial killer with two heads.

I'm really glad your DS isn't going to that party. It sounds like a disaster just waiting to happen.

The kid spat at you? Fucking devil brat. The mum is a bitch, BTW

They're all toxic, I'd cut ties pretty much as non-noticeably as possible. Or I'd 'ghost' them, as the youngsters say. Tell the CM what the kid has been like at school so she knows to look out for it.

@HKTB

I suppose I'm watching DSs innocence and faith in people be bought down to earth by the real world and it's making me feel sad as my baby is growing up.

That right there explains it. It's not a boo hoo that this bully boy (and he is OP) has omitted DS from the party per se, it's like an infantilised version of what sounds like shit controlling behaviour that would set me right on edge.

Nothing else to add OP but YANBU feeling upset. My DD is only 18mo and I'm dreading dealing with this shit as she grows up x