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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a WWYD

59 replies

Alexkate2468 · 17/07/2017 12:45

I have a really lovely friend who really enjoy spending time with. She has a DS who is a year older than my DD. The problem is, when we meet up, her DS is really awful to my DD. Last time we met, he pushed her off a chair, pulled a drink out of her hand and threw it on the floor, threw a ball in her face and burst her nose and kept calling her names. My DH and I kept trying to be firm with him and telling him to stop but there is only so much you can do when it's not your child. My friend kept laughing it off as him being a 'typical boy' winding up her up. In the end, she spent the afternoon sitting on my knee as she'd had enough. I tried talking to my friend about it but she thinks DS is just trying to be funny and showing off. Friend has sent a message today to ask to meet in the holidays with kids. I'd love to see her but just can't face another afternoon like that. I know boys (well, all children) can be rough but I don't think behaviour like that should be excused. Surely he needs to learn not to hurt and to respect other children. What is my next step here? Do I try talking again? Do I go and just keep intervening? Do I decline the invitation?

OP posts:

Mummymummyme · 17/07/2017 12:50

Maybe you could try and be firmer with friend? Explain that what he does actually makes DD really upset and it's beyond a funny joke? Or maybe suggest meeting up without the children?

Either way she needs to have it drummed into her that that behaviour from any child isn't acceptable and that she needs to be the one to nip it in the bud

Moanyoldcow · 17/07/2017 12:52

How old are they?

kissmethere · 17/07/2017 12:52

I'd say exactly what you've said here. You have to be firmer about it. Why is she brushing it off and laughing about it? Those are pretty serious things to be upset about.

Original poster

Alexkate2468 · 17/07/2017 12:58

Moany, they're 7 and 6. I think I am going to have to be firmer. I don't think she thinks it's serious. I think she thinks my DD is being a typical 'soft girl' and telling tales. She's not. I'd be pretty upset if this was happening to me. I've seen it too - she isn't making it up. I don't let her out of my sight when we meet up now.

OP posts:

notanurse2017 · 17/07/2017 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

totallyliterally · 17/07/2017 13:00

Wow I was assuming they were 18 month toddlers.

Reality is it is unlikely to end well for the friendship. Can you meet up without the kids instead.

Finola1step · 17/07/2017 13:01

"burst her nose" - do you mean that he hit her so hard that she has a nose bleed?

Angelicinnocent · 17/07/2017 13:02

At 7 he should know not to hit, push, pull etc anyway. He should definitely know that boys do not physically hurt girls, no excuses.

Think your friend is completely wrong not to deal with her DS behaviour and I would definitely not put my DD in that situation. She should also know that boys do not physically hurt girls and there are no excuses.

MadamePomfrey · 17/07/2017 13:03

Honest reply is the only way forward! 7 is old enough to know what he shouldn't be doing

magoria · 17/07/2017 13:03

I would say don't meet up.

How much would your DD have to endure if your firmer doesn't work?

What if your firmer pisses your friend off?

Your DD doesn't deserve this. Put her before meeting up with with a friend.

2littlemoos · 17/07/2017 13:05

Wow! My friends DC who is 4 can be rather mean to my 2yo and even that can bother me... but 7 and 8?!

2littlemoos · 17/07/2017 13:05

6 and 7* !!

Groovee · 17/07/2017 13:05

I'd be texting and telling her that no you don't want to meet with kids due to the bullying behaviour of her son. To constantly hurt another child and not be told off is how bullies get away with it. Put your Dd first x

britespark1 · 17/07/2017 13:05

My eldest DS is 6 and he wouldn't dream of behaving like that towards another child - the mother should be told honestly what the issue is and that you are not prepared to put up with it.

SolomanDaisy · 17/07/2017 13:08

God, I thought they would be toddlers. She must know that's not acceptable behaviour, presumably he doesn't do it at school. If you want to go make it clear that if he hurts your daughter you'll be leaving.

Original poster

Alexkate2468 · 17/07/2017 13:10

Yes, he made her nose bleed. I think I'm going to be honest and say that meeting up isn't a good idea unless she has a serious word with her DS and can deal with his behaviour. I'll end the play date at the first sign of him going fory DD.

OP posts:

Marcipex · 17/07/2017 13:12

Is this for real? You let another child do all those things to your child and you didn't pick up your bag and go?

rightwhine · 17/07/2017 13:12

Just say

"Would love to meet up but perhaps it's best if we have an adult night out. I know your Ds didn't mean anything by it, but DD didn't really have a good time last time and really isn't keen to meet up at the moment"

magoria · 17/07/2017 13:14

Don't blame DD not being keen.

Say you are not happy for her to be subjected to that again.

PeteAndManu · 17/07/2017 13:15

I have two boys and a girl at similar ages to your DD and the friend's sun. They can all play boisterously but we have simple rules. If someone isn't enjoying it - you stop or don't even start it and play something else. If someone is hurt accidentally- you stop and apologise. If you are playing with other children you take it down a level as they don't know you as well. His boy isn't being boisterous his behaviour is out of order you don't push people off chairs, hurl drinks on the floor etc. It isn't because your DD is a 'soft girl' she doesn't like being hit and I don't blame her. I think it's a good rule of thumb that if you as a parent wouldn't take it from an adult why should your child?
This isn't typical boy behaviour it's someone being a bully.

I wouldn't meet up with them - maybe see her on her own.

BourbonMick · 17/07/2017 13:19

I'd just fuck her right off.

strawberrypenguin · 17/07/2017 13:20

That is not boy behaviour and I hate that people write off bad behaviour as 'being boys' I have 2 boys and there's no way either would be able to behave like that. Your friend is a shit parent who is doing her son no favours.

RelaxMax · 17/07/2017 13:20

Wow, I'd assumed from your OP that they were much younger. My 2.5 yr old knows not to behave that way.

I'm shocked you're considering subjecting your DD to that tbh.

Think you need to be really blunt here, as she'd obviously not getting it. Maybe arrange to meet without kids then when you're there talk about it.

RiverTam · 17/07/2017 13:25

Such ludicrous gender stereotyping isn't going to do her DS any favours.

I'd be pretty upfront about and, and rebuff any 'boys will be boys bollocks'.

God, I wonder what he's like in school.

emmyrose2000 · 17/07/2017 13:28

Is this for real? You let another child do all those things to your child and you didn't pick up your bag and go?

THIS! Why didn't you advocate for your child?!

Good grief - if some horrible kid bullied my child like this, especially causing a nose bleed, we'd have been out of there in two seconds flat. But not before I'd told both the mother and her child to never come near us again.

His behaviour is not normal, and it's not 'typical boy' behaviour. What a lazy cop out. How can you describe this other woman as 'lovely' when she has beliefs like this, and sits back and allows her child to attack other child(ren)?

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