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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD

59 replies

Alexkate2468 · 17/07/2017 12:45

I have a really lovely friend who really enjoy spending time with. She has a DS who is a year older than my DD. The problem is, when we meet up, her DS is really awful to my DD. Last time we met, he pushed her off a chair, pulled a drink out of her hand and threw it on the floor, threw a ball in her face and burst her nose and kept calling her names. My DH and I kept trying to be firm with him and telling him to stop but there is only so much you can do when it's not your child. My friend kept laughing it off as him being a 'typical boy' winding up her up. In the end, she spent the afternoon sitting on my knee as she'd had enough. I tried talking to my friend about it but she thinks DS is just trying to be funny and showing off. Friend has sent a message today to ask to meet in the holidays with kids. I'd love to see her but just can't face another afternoon like that. I know boys (well, all children) can be rough but I don't think behaviour like that should be excused. Surely he needs to learn not to hurt and to respect other children. What is my next step here? Do I try talking again? Do I go and just keep intervening? Do I decline the invitation?

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 17/07/2017 13:30

For whose benefit would you be meeting up? If it's supposed to be the kids then it's not working any more and should stop. If it's for you and your friend then meet up without the kids. One of my friendships is now quite awkward because I won't have my DF over with her 2 kids because my 4 year old DD doesn't enjoy playing with her kids, and I respect that.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 17/07/2017 13:34

No idea what he's like in school. I've just responded saying that last time we met was too upsetting for DD and that I don't want her to go through that again. I asked her to talk to DS and make him aware of what he'd done and that I want willing to do that to her. I said if she couldn't guarantee a total change in behaviour from DS, we could meet without kids. Let's see how that goes.

OP posts:
Inertia · 17/07/2017 13:38

Think you are right to insist on an adult only meeting - it isn't acceptable to tolerate your child being attacked like that.

NellieFiveBellies · 17/07/2017 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fairypuff · 17/07/2017 13:52

Agree with PPs - it bugs me when bad behaviour is minimised by saying "it's just boys being boys". I have 2 boys and no way either of them would get away with that type of behaviour. Not acceptable, don't put your DD through it again. At 7yrs old he needs to know better.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 17/07/2017 13:52

This is not 'typical boy behaviour'. I have boys and wouldn't have tolerated this behaviour at any age. Certainly not at 7!

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 17/07/2017 14:12

Well, I got a response basically making a whole bunch of excuses for his behaviour but saying she would speak to him but then asking if I ' wouldn't mind also having a word with DD to ask her to see it as a joke and toughen up a bit'

I lost it at that and replied: "Toughen up for what? A good kicking? An abusive relationship when she's older? That behaviour is not 'boy' behaviour - it is UNACCEPTABLE to hurt another child intentionally. dD has many greetings that are boys that have never touched her in that way and there really is no excuse"

I really won't be seeing them with my DD again.

OP posts:
EllaHen · 17/07/2017 14:16

Well done op. I ended a friendship for similar.

NellieFiveBellies · 17/07/2017 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 17/07/2017 14:30

It's a shame because our friendship goes back years. We struggled through miscarriage and infertility together, both had IVF and supported each other. We've been through a lot together and she is genuinely a lovely person... Other than on this issue. I do think that the difficulty she had having him contributes to (but doesn't excuse) her attitude. I hope we can salvage something.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 17/07/2017 14:53

Got to admit OP I was expecting both DCs to be toddlers. Was shocked when you said he was 7. Boys will be boys is a shit excuse for bullying behaviour at any age (and I've got 2 boys and a girl - eldest ADHD/ASD with horrible physical behaviour when younger and I never once thought it was acceptable to allow him to think it was ok to hurt other children- even if it meant leaving/stopping what we were doing etc).
Your friend seems to be in a state of denial but what her son is doing IS NOT 'boy behaviour'. It's bullying and at 7 he is old enough to understand that. Such a shame for all concerned. I do hope she is able to understand your perspective and help salvage your friendship x

RiverTam · 17/07/2017 15:01

Bloody good for you, OP. Toughen up a bit? She can fuck right off.

Funnyface1 · 17/07/2017 15:03

I'm glad you were straight with her, I was going to suggest that. I can't believe she shrugged it off again and asked you to speak to dd! What a joke! His behavior sounds horrible and it's not just 'boys will be boys'. My ds is coming up to 7 and has never ever behaved that way.

It sounds like she's never going to take real responsibility for it and ensure your dd is safe so that would be the end for me. It's a shame, but your dd is more important.

Peachyking000 · 17/07/2017 15:12

I think it's best to meet without kids, and it's good that you are able to be honest with her re the reasons.

I had to stop meeting up with my friend with our children. There was no outright bullying but her daughters kept doing this annoying smirking and giggling/pulling faces to each other when looking at my DS, which made him feel uncomfortable (they were all a similar age - between 8 and 10). We now meet up when the kids are at school, much better.

RelaxMax · 17/07/2017 15:23

Well done OP, agree with you completely.

ohfourfoxache · 17/07/2017 15:29

Fucking hell, is she for real? Shock

How dare she say your dd needs to "toughen up"?

She's setting her DS up to be abusive in the future. DS isn't even 2.5 yet and he knows it's not acceptable to behave like that

Kintan · 17/07/2017 15:38

Good for you, that was a good response. Did she reply? Can't believe she excused it as normal
'boy' behaviour. If I was her I'd be so ashamed that I'd raised a nasty bully.

everythingissoblinkinrosie · 17/07/2017 15:40

You need to show your dd that you won't let people hurt her. If your friend thinks it's ok, your friend has got a long hard road ahead of her. He does this in school, he should find himself in serious trouble.
If my best friend's son made my daughter's nose bleed, I would expect at the very least an apology and acknowledgement that he was wrong. Without it, the son cannot be in the same space as my daughter. And if that cools the friendship between us, so be it.

Mummymummyme · 17/07/2017 15:41

Utterly flabbergastered that she would say that to you. Good on you for responding the way you did i'd have been livid too. I can't imagine any sane person telling someone to toughen up and effectively accept having their nose bust and drinks thrown at them.
I wouldn't see her again until she accepts that it's her son and not your daughter that needs to modify her behavior. Perhaps link her to this thread if she still believes your dd needs to toughen up?

everythingissoblinkinrosie · 17/07/2017 15:41

And you have. Well done.

Mummymummyme · 17/07/2017 15:42

his*sorry, baby brain

HazelBite · 17/07/2017 15:43

Op I am in my 60's and could show you a scar on my leg caused by the son of some close friends of my parents on one of our visits there.
the friends had a DD a year younger than D sis and a son a year younger than me and I was expected to go and play with the son who would take great delight in throwing all manner of things at me ramming me with his bike and stabbing me with pencils. I used to beg my Mum and Dad to not take me but they wouldn't believe that having nice parents he could be such an evil little so-and-so.
At least the Op has had the benefit of witnessing the bad behaviour.

Op I would be straight with her and say "your son upsets DD he is far too rough and she is not happy when he is around, can we meet up just us until such time as your Ds has got over his boisterous stage"

Original poster
Alexkate2468 · 17/07/2017 15:47

There only response I keep getting is that "He really is a good boy and that he's just boisterous and a boy"
It's going round in circles but I've made it clear we aren't meeting with kids and he isn't going to get the chance to behave like that again. She's not happy, thinks I'm harsh and being critical of her parenting. Can't say that I don't care and that I'm enjoying this conversation with her but the scale of denial is unreal. Think I'm going to stop with the messages, leave some time and meet face to face when we are both a bit less wound up. I'm too old for drama 😞

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 17/07/2017 15:50

Good for you OP. Your poor daughter - she gets bullied and a bloody nose and your 'friend' asks her to toughen up? That's quite shocking. As is the crass 'boys will be boys' comment. I don't have children but my friends who do would never have let their offspring, no matter the age, get away with behaviour like this.

Some friends are for a period of time, some are for life. Doesn't sound like this one falls into the first camp!

NellieFiveBellies · 17/07/2017 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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